Poly and Pregnant - issue solved. Thank you to everyone who commented!

[CanadianPoly64]

Hiya! New to this forum. Hope I'm doing this correctly. Thought I'd go on here and ask some advice. I've been Poly for a long time but only recently truly explored it. I have a nesting partner who is my fiance and we have been together for 8 years. My second relationship I've been in for about a year and a half. They recently moved out of their parents place and into our building (seperate apartment).

Issue is, I've recently found out I'm pregnant. I'm currently 8 weeks. I unfortunately had three miscarriages in 2024 and it has caused a lot of challenges for me mentally. This new pregnancy was not planned and came as a welcome suprise. It is my fiance's child as my second partner is ace.

With this being my fourth pregnancy and it being high risk... I am so friggin stressed. There's a lot going on in my mind, and this first trimester is kicking my arse. I'm exhausted, nauseous all the time (morning sickness is a lie), and the changes in my body are making me very uncomfortable and sore.

This has caused me to want to be left alone, and honestly have lost interest in my second relationship right now. I know I've heard poly people pause relationships while they are going through pregnancy and postpartum. I have tried to communicate to my second partner that I do not have the bandwidth for our relationship like it was before, and really need space. I'm not sure they fully understand the gravity of what is going on in my life right now. I feel guilty as they just moved into the building to be closer. But I also want to listen to myself and it's needs and make sure I am doing what's right for my well-being and the baby.

How do I navigate this dilemma and be clear and concise with my second partner that I probably need to pause until further notice? I don't want to break up, but I also don't feel like I can be in another relationship right now.

Any advice is welcome! If you've been in a similar situation is love to hear how you managed. Thanks!

 

[Evie]

I have tried to communicate to my second partner that I do not have the bandwidth for our relationship like it was before, and really need space. I'm not sure they fully understand the gravity of what is going on in my life right now.

I'm just going to dive right in here...

I'm guessing you're trying to phrase this as softly as possible because you don't want to hurt them. But it's too soft because the message just isn't landing. You may just have to bite the bullet and be blunt and make it extremely clear what you do and don't want/can and can't give.

Do you have any time you want to spend with them in person, to watch a shared TV show or something? Or do you want no in person time with them now?

Be honest, it will hurt less in the long run.

 

[Tinwen]

I don't think relationships have a "pause" button, not serious ones. Be honest with yourself that if you propose a pause, it's likely a break-up. They will have to arrange their life differently.

Do you really need to push them away all the way? Isn't there room for change of parameters?
Like maybe for now, you can't go out twice a week or at all. Maybe you need them to cook you dinner (so that you don't have to touch meat) and take a nap in their arms.

Maybe you need more understanding, and a heart to heart about your previous pregnancies and what this one means to you.

Maybe you also need sick leave from work if possible.

What was the vision for this relationship going forward? Was it supposed to become co-primary, with both partners receiving equal tome and attention?
Maybe that is something that does not feel realistic now?

8 weeks is so early. If I were in a committed relationship, I would not break up right now. I'd talk to my partner about scaling way down on demanding activities and try to find some ways we can still connect.
Wait with a final decision if things do or don't improve mid-pregnancy.

 

[Dagferi]

As someone who has 3 grown kids and has been pregnant 6 times. I wouldn’t end the relationship yet.

Right now you feel like shit. You body is going through a lot. In a few weeks or months that may change.

Good poly relationships have the ability to go with the ebbs and flows of life. Mine wouldn’t made it 14 years without it.

 

[CanadianPoly64]

I don't think relationships have a "pause" button, not serious ones. Be honest with yourself that if you propose a pause, it's likely a break-up. They will have to arrange their life differently.

Do you really need to push them away all the way? Isn't there room for change of parameters?
Like maybe for now, you can't go out twice a week or at all. Maybe you need them to cook you dinner (so that you don't have to touch meat) and take a nap in their arms.

Maybe you need more understanding, and a heart to heart about your previous pregnancies and what this one means to you.

Maybe you also need sick leave from work if possible.

What was the vision for this relationship going forward? Was it supposed to become co-primary, with both partners receiving equal tome and attention?
Maybe that is something that does not feel realistic now?

8 weeks is so early. If I were in a committed relationship, I would not break up right now. I'd talk to my partner about scaling way down on demanding activities and try to find some ways we can still connect.
Wait with a final decision if things do or don't improve mid-pregnancy.

I guess the thing is right now, my body is going through so many hormone changes that it literally just has no interest. Idk if it's a mammal thing but all of a sudden I don't like their smell, it made me vomit last week. I don't care about what they have to say about their interests, it all just feels so trivial to me currently. Because I'm so stressed, and just want to focus on what I can do to give this pregnancy the best shot. It's all I can think about. I haven't just pushed them away. It's been almost everyone in my life so I can just focus on me.

They are younger than me. They have a very "no worries/golden retriever" type demeanor. Which in normal circumstance that would be fine. In serious ones, I've been finding not so much. They can't cook. They just moved out of their parents place and are kind of learning how to "adult" on their own right now. I mentally don't have the ability to juggle that, plus trying to be pregnant.

I am currently unemployed/self employed due to what happened in 2024. So there's also that stress of having only one income earner. Thankfully my fiance earns a decent wage for where we live.

In the past I was hoping that it would be more of a kitchen table type dynamic. But now that I'm in it, I literally just want to nest and be alone and only be with my fiance. As they are the second parent I feel it necessary to deepen that relationship and make sure we are both on the same page.

 

[Magdlyn]

I don't know what you think the responsibilities of a relationship are, but for me personally, partners are meant to care for you when you are pregnant. Family and friends are too.

Even if you have to scale way back to completely platonic with both partners, is there really a need not to see one of them at all? It sounds like you're fine being with your nesting partner, but somehow the other person would exhaust you? Are they just really bubbly and energetic or something? What makes their presence unbearable?

I agree they could be doing everything around your house so you can rest and try to eat and drink and nothing else. They could be helping you get through these early weeks as comfortably as possible. If you were seeing them every day, maybe you could scale back to a couple short visits a week or something.

I am very sorry for your recent losses and wish for a great outcome this time!

Edit: sorry, we posted at the same time. I got it right about them being bubbly and energetic I guess! But the body odor smell, that's tough. You could wear a mask. If they can't cook, they can put that energy to work washing floors, changing linens, going to get your groceries, filling your water cups and then leaving. And as I said, just seem them much less often. If they know nothing about pregnancy, shove a book in their face and send them home to read it!

 

[CanadianPoly64]

As someone who has 3 grown kids and has been pregnant 6 times. I wouldn’t end the relationship yet.

Right now you feel like shit. You body is going through a lot. In a few weeks or months that may change.

Good poly relationships have the ability to go with the ebbs and flows of life. Mine wouldn’t made it 14 years without it.

This is what I'm hoping they will understand. I don't want to end the relationship. However, I'm just not in a good head or physical state to properly be there as a partner.

Ive already told them that maybe down the line in the pregnancy I'll feel better and more open to hanging out. Right now though I'm just not okay.

 

[Magdlyn]

This is what I'm hoping they will understand. I don't want to end the relationship. However, I'm just not in a good head or physical state to properly be there as a partner.

Ive already told them that maybe down the line in the pregnancy I'll feel better and more open to hanging out. Right now though I'm just not okay.

That's all totally understandable. Be completely clear with stating your needs. You can be kind and clear at the same time.

 

[CanadianPoly64]

I don't know what you think the responsibilities of a relationship are, but for me personally, partners are meant to care for you when you are pregnant. Family and friends are too.

Even if you have to scale way back to completely platonic with both partners, is there really a need not to see one of them at all? It sounds like you're fine being with your nesting partner, but somehow the other person would exhaust you? Are they just really bubbly and energetic or something? What makes their presence unbearable?

I agree they could be doing everything around your house so you can rest and try to eat and drink and nothing else. They could be helping you get through these early weeks as comfortably as possible. If you were seeing them every day, maybe you could scale back to a couple short visits a week or something.

I am very sorry for your recent losses and wish for a great outcome this time!

Edit: sorry, we posted at the same time. I got it right about them being bubbly and energetic I guess! But the body odor smell, that's tough. You could wear a mask. If they can't cook, they can put that energy to work washing floors, changing linens, going to get your groceries, filling your water cups and then leaving. And as I said, just seem them much less often. If they know nothing about pregnancy, shove a book in their face and send them home to read it!

They are very bubbly. I replied to someone above that because my nose has super powers now their smell literally repels me. I can't stand it. I barfed the last time they were in my space. I know that's not permanent but right now..... It's a lot.

Also, as much as I'd like to rely on someone else to clean and cook, they are not really that type of person. I'm that person. I'm the one that does all the cooking and cleaning . At least in my home. They can't cook. Are young and still learning how to be an adult. They just moved out of their parents place... So they are learning how to be independent and a literal adult. The last time I went up to their apartment it was very messy, and smelled pretty bad. Not to say I don't struggle with cleaning but... Just trying to paint more of a picture.

We normally only hang out 1-2 times a week. But lately I've been so so sick and tired I just can't.

 

[Tinwen]

I do believe our noses have intuition. [Still, check if it isn't a hair product or something making you sick, problem solved easier than expected ]
On the one hand, I don't like you ditching them because life gets tough, and I don't like making that decision on the span of weeks under pregnancy hormones.
On the other hand, it doesn't sound like they can be a great "partner" for this phase of your life right now, and frankly, the relationship doesn't sound super committed yet. I don't agree with some posters they are obliged to provide extra help just because they are labeled a poly partner, if they are just not there yet - it's not their kid, not an obligation they have chosen. Sure, they can help, make adjustments to dates etc., but it's not like they should be expected to care for your home too just like the nesting partner, especially if they have their own to manage and it still feels like a lot to them. They are young and they have the right to keep having fun with dating and not become caregivers just yet.
What they have to deal with is your changing bandwidth - if you can suddenly only offer little in terms of the kind of time and activities they want to do in a relationship, they may have to decide if that's enough for them to call this a relationship at all.
From this perspective, a break (or a breakup) can make sense to both of you.

What have been the best parts of your relationship with them?

 

[CanadianPoly64]

I do believe our noses have intuition. [Still, check if it isn't a hair product or something making you sick, problem solved easier than expected ]
On the one hand, I don't like you ditching them because life gets tough, and I don't like making that decision on the span of weeks under pregnancy hormones.
On the other hand, it doesn't sound like they can be a great "partner" for this phase of your life right now, and frankly, the relationship doesn't sound super committed yet. I don't agree with some posters they are obliged to provide extra help just because they are labeled a poly partner, if they are just not there yet - it's not their kid, not an obligation they have chosen. Sure, they can help, make adjustments to dates etc., but it's not like they should be expected to care for your home too just like the nesting partner, especially if they have their own to manage and it still feels like a lot to them. They are young and they have the right to keep having fun with dating and not become caregivers just yet.
What they have to deal with is your changing bandwidth - if you can suddenly only offer little in terms of the kind of time and activities they want to do in a relationship, they may have to decide if that's enough for them to call this a relationship at all.
From this perspective, a break (or a breakup) can make sense to both of you.

What have been the best parts of your relationship with them?

First, I appreciate your open and candid advice. Thank you.

I honestly feel guilty and bad for the way I feel. Because your right I have effectively been ditching them. Poly right now may not be in my life cards. I hate that. I do love them. They are a lovely human being. We get along really well normally and in the past have had fun just hanging out.

But your right, it's been more of a fun relationship kind of thing rather than a serious commitment type relationship. They haven't dated much. Very shy and gamer stay inside type.

I've communicated to them already that I encourage them to go out and date other people. I don't want them waiting around for me or pining after me if I'm not going to be there. If I can't be there.

The age thing is definitely also part of this struggle. I'm turning 31 this year and they are 27. Not a huge age gap but enough to notice. We come from VERY different upbringings so there's also an element of me being stubborn and trauma ridden vs. Naive and bright side type.

I guess I'm struggling a lot right now because I don't want it to be pregnancy hormones making the decisions and cutting off what has been a lovely relationship. At the same time, I don't want to ignore how I'm feeling. Or lack there of. Agh!

Ps: unfortunately the smell is BO...... Really intense BO. Sensitive topic.

 

[Magdlyn]

Okay, I am assuming this person is a young man to have that kind of issue with body odor. haha Lots of younger guys don't seem to understand that if they want to be a good partner, and get laid on a regular basis, they need to shower daily and use the right kind of deodorant!

Recently my own bf was smelling bad, even just a few hours after he showered, and I found out he had changed to one of those natural deodorants instead of an antiperspirant. He said his brother had recommended it. I said, "Please go back to the Old Spice!" And he did.

Even if you have 0 interest in sex now, I can see wanting to not spend time around this person at all if he smells intensely bad.

I have had three kids and I know how sensitive we get to smells. I had a weird aversion to vegetables when I was in my first trimesters. All I wanted was protein and carbs. I couldn't even walk through the produce department at the grocery store! Luckily this issue went away after three months each time.

Maybe you can take a break from this person during this trimester. Hold out hope you'll feel better after a while, but don't make any promises.

If they are no good around the house, and you can't stand their smell, etc., I totally understand taking a break. Yes, Tinwen is right, they don't owe you care while you're feeling unwell, but it would be nice! However, if they are just the fun time good time kind of partner, see ya! You'll be feeling strung out once the baby comes too!

Lots of people don't do polyamory when their kids are young. You're just starting that early.

 

[CanadianPoly64]

Okay, I am assuming this person is a young man to have that kind of issue with body odor. haha Lots of younger guys don't seem to understand that if they want to be a good partner, and get laid on a regular basis, they need to shower daily and use the right kind of deodorant!

Recently my own bf was smelling bad, even just a few hours after he showered, and I found out he had changed to one of those natural deodorants instead of an antiperspirant. He said his brother had recommended it. I said, "Please go back to the Old Spice!" And he did.

Even if you have 0 interest in sex now, I can see wanting to not spend time around this person at all if he smells intensely bad.

I have had three kids and I know how sensitive we get to smells. I had a weird aversion to vegetables when I was in my first trimesters. All I wanted was protein and carbs. I couldn't even walk through the produce department at the grocery store! Luckily this issue went away after three months each time.

Maybe you can take a break from this person during this trimester. Hold out hope you'll feel better after a while, but don't make any promises.

If they are no good around the house, and you can't stand their smell, etc., I totally understand taking a break. Yes, Tinwen is right, they don't owe you care while you're feeling unwell, but it would be nice! However, if they are just the fun time good time kind of partner, see ya! You'll be feeling strung out once the baby comes too!

Lots of people don't do polyamory when their kids are young. You're just starting that early.

Very similar to me right now. Veggies and fish right now. EWWWE! Soup and carbs. Load me up! lol

A big element to my second relationship is that they are asexual. So sex isn't even on the mind. It's mainly been platonic with lots of cuddling. Hence why the body odor makes things way worse. I've always kind of noticed it but I could deal. His parents laundry detergent used to help cover it up. But now that he's on his own, and my having a pregnant bloodhound nose. Oh boy.

This is what I've been considering. I don't want to break up. However this trimester is being really hard on me and therefore feel like a "pause" or "break" is what's needed. Ultimately I can and have communicated this, but it's up to them if they are okay with this. I'm not going to force them to leave or stay. Just that right now I am not in a mental or physical state to be a good partner to them.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello CanadianPoly64,

From what little I know, as a naive man, pregnancy is a time of unpredictable hormone changes. Your worries about it being a high-risk pregnancy add to that. Your second partner needs to be more understanding, like you need them to just be a friend for now. Everything else is on hold until this pregnancy hopefully ends in the birth of a child. And even then, you will be swamped with the care of a newborn, so your time will be limited.

The fact that your second partner's smell is making you sick, is a very solid reason why you can't be around them right now. That shouldn't be hard for them to understand. It's a pregnancy, it won't last forever, but in the meantime things are going to be somewhat weird. You can't help the way you feel. It's a pregnancy. It's going to have huge and unpredictable effects on how you feel. It's not that you love them less, it's just that you are dealing with a lot right now.

Just tell your second partner you need a little distance for now, they do not need to understand, just trust and accept. Pregnancy is a BFD, not to be taken lightly. You have a child to think of now, everything can't revolve around your second partner. I know it's not easy and you don't know how they will react, but you just can't put them first in this situation. I'm sorry, I just hope everything works out for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ref2018]

Ps: unfortunately the smell is BO...... Really intense BO. Sensitive topic.

I'm a bit late to this discussion, so I don't really have anything that hasn't already been said except I am curious about something: This didn't bother you in any way at all *before* you became pregnant? Of course it's a sensitive topic, but if you could smell it, so can others, and it takes a *real* friend to inform someone that they smell, have a booger hanging out of their nose, etc. because maybe they'd want to know so they don't keep going around like that.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm a bit late to this discussion, so I don't really have anything that hasn't already been said except I am curious about something: This didn't bother you in any way at all *before* you became pregnant? Of course it's a sensitive topic, but if you could smell it, so can others, and it takes a *real* friend to inform someone that they smell, have a booger hanging out of their nose, etc. because maybe they'd want to know so they don't keep going around like that.

It's mainly been platonic with lots of cuddling. Hence why the body odor makes things way worse. I've always kind of noticed it but I could deal. His parents laundry detergent used to help cover it up. But now that he's on his own, and my having a pregnant bloodhound nose. Oh boy.

I agree a good friend should be able to tell their friend they stink or are otherwise appearing unhygienic. lol