Looking for mono-poly honest but gentle support!

[littlelaguna]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and new to all of this and feeling quite vulnerable at the moment which is not at all in my nature.

I (39f) met someone new (44m) in the autumn and started dating him in November last year. He was transparent from the top about being poly and demi. (I had spent a couple of years single after leaving an 8 year long abusive relationship ending in police intervention.) I felt quite comfortable with both of those things. I was certainly in no rush to jump into anything strong, so his demisexuality wasnt a problem and although I've only ever been in monogamous relationships up to now, I'm not a naturally jealous or possessive person and I dont base my worth on or feel love through exclusivity.

He already had a LD relationship of a number of years with a woman who had recently had a child with her husband, and was unable to see much of her due to those logistics. I am respectful of and unphased by this, often listening and supporting as objectively as i can when he needs to vent about how tough it is on them both right now.

We've had a great 6 months, seeing each other once or twice a month, but with full weekend sleepovers. We've been intimate and he has suggested things for us to do over the summer. And this week asked me to meet his children during the school holidays (8 and 10).

Other than these signs that I am reading positively into, he doesnt say how he feels about me.

I am guilty of letting my heart run away with itself the last few days, buying tickets for shows next month that he invited me to, and researching how best to approach meeting his children, given the situation, and trying to learn correct etiquette.

Then this morning my bubble burst when he text to say he has met a third and is starting to date her. It doesnt feel like jealousy, it feels like a disconnect, with only a few hours between kissing him goodbye and planning to meet his children, and him telling me he has someone new, but either way it hurts.

He jokes about his past life as a "f*ckboy" all the time. Am I dealing with normal poly behaviour here and I need to unlearn some things myself, or am I going to be made a fool of because I'm a devoted person with high empathy?

My main concern is he has told me a number of times he is at capacity with me and his other partner, but now seems OK to add a third. Will my routine with him change now? Is that to be expected?

TIA x

 

[kdt26417]

Hello littlelaguna,

It is hard enough to have two partners and give both a fair shake, three partners is even harder. I would expect things to change with your routine with him, you were getting half of his time, now you will get one third. You have to decide if that is something you can live with, some people can accept one third of their partner's time, but it's not right for everyone. This man isn't necessarily using you, or making a fool of you, but he has a hefty appetite and wants more than two partners. You have to figure out whether you are okay with that. Maybe this man just isn't a good match for you.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps you any.

He already had a LD relationship of a number of years with a woman who had recently had a child with her husband. He was unable to see much of her due to those logistics. I am respectful of and unphased by this, often listening and supporting as objectively as I can when he needs to vent about how tough it is on them both right now.

You don't have to do this much emotional labor. He's oversharing.

It's one thing to mention people in his life briefly, but if he's making dates be [you sitting around listening to him go on and on about (him + her) problems] then that's not a fun date for you. Dates with you could be about (you + him.)

We've had a great 6 months, seeing each other once or twice a month, but with full weekend sleepovers. We've been intimate. He has suggested things for us to do over the summer, and this week asked me to meet his children during the school holidays (8 and 10).

Why does he want you to meet them? Do you even want to do that? It's ok to pass if you do not.

A lot of people would find you meeting his kids 6 months into poly dating too soon. How's the coparent feel about you meeting the kids this early? Does he usually have his dating partners meet this kids this soon? Are they still together?

Or is it that he doesn't want to deal with them alone over school holidays and is recruiting you so he doesn't have to deal with his kids on his own?

He doesn't say how he feels about me.

I find that odd. He spends lots of time venting about his problems with his other relationship and doesn't tell you how he feels about you?

Have you asked him how he feels about you?

I am guilty of letting my heart run away with itself the last few days, buying tickets for shows next month that he invited me to, and researching how best to approach meeting his children, given the situation and trying to learn correct etiquette.

Why are you buying them if he's the one who invited you? Do you take turns paying for dates? Could it be each one of you buying your own ticket?

There is no "standard etiquette" for meeting kids. You get to decide what YOU feel ok with, and if you don't want to meet them or find it too early to meet them, you can pass.

This morning my bubble burst when he texted to say he had met a third and was starting to date her. It doesn't feel like jealousy. It feels like a disconnect, with only a few hours between kissing him goodbye, and planning to meet his children, and him telling me he has someone new. But either way, it hurts.

Is this the first person he's dated after starting to date you? Wasn't he dating others all along? How about you?

He jokes about his past life as a "f*ckboy" all the time.

That's not a joke, to me. Why would he joke about that now to you? For what purpose? Why would you be laughing about it? It makes him sound like he still is one.

Am I dealing with normal poly behaviour here? Do I need to unlearn some things myself? Or am I going to be made a fool of because I'm a devoted person with high empathy?

There is nothing special about polyamory. It's just another relationship model. It does not mean good manners fly out the window.

Oversharing about his partner who is a new mom, wanting you to meet his kids this fast, saying he's at capacity but then wanting to date a new person... if it was one thing it would be one thing. But if he's building up a whole collection of problematic things... meh.

And then JOKING about being a fuckboy? I'm not keen on that. I'm not sure why he would think you'd laugh along with him, rather than taking it at face value.

My main concern is he has told me a number of times he is at capacity with me and his other partner, but now seems OK to add a third. Will my routine with him change now? Is that to be expected?

It's like you are worried about still making the cut with him, and are neglecting to vet him and see if HE makes the cut with you. Does he?

Galagirl

 

[silver-genie]

Hello littlelaguna,

It is hard enough to have two partners and give both a fair shake, three partners is even harder. I would expect things to change with your routine with him, you were getting half of his time, now you will get one third. You have to decide if that is something you can live with, some people can accept one third of their partner's time, but it's not right for everyone. This man isn't necessarily using you, or making a fool of you, but he has a hefty appetite and wants more than two partners. You have to figure out whether you are okay with that. Maybe this man just isn't a good match for you.

Regards,
Kevin T.

I disagree that having a new partner means existing partners get less time. They shouldn't get less time. And three partners doesn't mean someone's time is split in thirds. He can see each partner once a week, for example, and keep more than half of his time for himself and other commitments. I was dating someone a few years ago and seeing him once a week. I asked if he could see me twice a week, and he said he couldn't due to his schedule and existing poly commitments (he was seeing his other partner twice a week). It's a good thing he didn't give her less time to make more time with me, as that wouldn't have been fair to her.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm... feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, which is not at all in my nature.

I (39f) met someone new (44m) in the autumn and started dating him in November last year. He was transparent from the top about being poly and demi.

Demisexual? Meaning: experiencing sexual feelings and attraction only after developing a close emotional relationship, and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.?

How does this play out in your relationship? Are you assuming he feels he has a "close personal relationship" with you, or he wouldn't be having sex with you?

(I had spent a couple of years single after leaving an 8 year long abusive relationship ending in police intervention.)

I am sorry you went through that. It should make you wary of getting involved with another unsavory, indeed, criminal, person. Look for red flags here! Abusers are often, usually, narcissistic sociopaths. They prey on kind good normal people. They don't love their partners. They are incapable of love as most understand it. They see other people as narcissistic fuel, trophies, status symbols. They also tend to triangulate their partners.

https://www.google.com/search?q=nar...CBrACAfEF0V7xPGmlsTY&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Narcissistic triangulation is a manipulative tactic where a person with narcissistic traits brings a third person into a relationship or conflict to create chaos, control the narrative, and gain validation. It acts as a "divide and conquer" strategy to fuel insecurity in the target while boosting the narcissist's ego.
Common Examples and Tactics

• Romantic Rivalry: Bringing up ex-partners, friends, or strangers to provoke jealousy and insecurity.
• The Messenger: Using a third party to convey messages to avoid direct confrontation and distort information.
• Family Alliances: A parent favoring one child ("golden child") to bully another ("scapegoat"), causing conflict between siblings.
• • Workplace Rumors: A toxic employee or manager gossiping to divide coworkers and secure their own position.
  • The "Flying Monkeys": Utilizing friends or family to harass, monitor, or shame the target. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Signs of Triangulation

• Feeling Insecure/Jealous: You are made to feel that you are being compared to others, or that others agree with the narcissist.
• Information Filter: You find that the narcissist is the only source of information between you and the third party, leading to confusion.
• Constant Conflict: You feel forced to compete for the narcissist’s approval or attention.
• Exclusion: You are left out while the narcissist forms an instant, intense bond with someone else.

This tendency is harder to spot in so-called "polyamorous" people, since it's "okay" to have multiple partners. But "poly" sociopathic abusers only date multiple people in order to play them against each other, for their own entertainment. Your suffering is their entertainment.

I am speaking from experience. I dated one of these monsters before. I have been extremely wary and sensitive to red flags ever since. Narcissists love bomb new people in their lives. After they have you hooked with their charm, good or great sex, gifts, lavish attention, etc., making you feel oh so special, making you feel like you have a million things in common, you hit the lottery, they then pull away, put you in the corner, and start up with a new person. They then expect you to support their ups and downs with their other partner/s. I see this is already happening with you and this guy.

I felt quite comfortable with both of those things. I was certainly in no rush to jump into anything strong, so his demisexuality wasn't a problem.

I don't know if you understand what "demisexuality" is normally defined as. How do you understand it? Why is it important here?

I'm not a naturally jealous or possessive person. I don't base my worth on or feel love through exclusivity.

Okay...

He already had a LD relationship of a number of years with a woman who had recently had a child with her husband, and was unable to see much of her due to those logistics. I am respectful of and unphased by this, often listening and supporting as objectively as I can when he needs to vent about how tough it is on them both right now.

As GG said, you don't have to be this guy's therapist. One partner of a "poly" person does not need to listen to what's going on in that person's other relationships.

We've had a great 6 months, seeing each other once or twice a month, but with full weekend sleepovers. We've been intimate. He has suggested things for us to do over the summer. This week asked me to meet his children during the school holidays (8 and 10).

Other than these signs that I am reading positively into, he doesn't say how he feels about me.

Because he's probably incapable of love, if I read him right from your descriptions. He's enjoying jerking your chain, giving you "love" and attention one moment, then ripping it away the next.

(All this is my opinion, based on your one post. I could be wrong, of course, but my Spidey senses are tingling, big time.)

I am guilty of letting my heart run away with itself the last few days, buying tickets for shows next month that he invited me to...

Normally the inviter buys the tickets. Does he financially abuse you?

... and researching how best to approach meeting his children, given the situation...

Unlike GG, I don't think 6 months is necessarily too soon to meet his kids, but don't let him force you into a stepmom or babysitter role.

... and trying to learn correct etiquette.

Correct polyamorous etiquette? Polyamorous relationships are just like mono ones. You treat people with respect, you communicate openly and honestly, etc. What "etiquette" are you unsure about?

This morning my bubble burst when he text to say he has met a third and is starting to date her. It doesn't feel like jealousy, it feels like a disconnect, with only a few hours between kissing him goodbye and planning to meet his children, and him telling me he has someone new, but either way it hurts.

Yes. He is lying to you. He is jerking your chain. Your instincts, your gut, are telling you something. Listen, please.

He jokes about his past life as a "f*ckboy" all the time.

Gross!

Am I dealing with normal poly behaviour here, and need to unlearn some things myself, or am I going to be made a fool of because I'm a devoted person with high empathy?

This is not "normal poly behavior," no. Run.

You were too devoted to your former abuser. Don't follow the same pattern.

My main concern is he has told me a number of times he is at capacity with me and his other partner, but now seems OK to add a third.

So... yeah. He's a lying liar who lies. Run.

Will my routine with him change now? Is that to be expected?

Hopefully your "routine will change" because you cut him out of your life.

 

[Magdlyn]

You asked for "gentle" support. This is me being gentle. I am on your side.

 

[Tinwen]

Hi there, unlike other posters I won't make a conclusion from what you have written. I think you should talk to him first about all you have written here - after all the news is very fresh. See what he has to say.

Am I dealing with normal poly behaviour here and I need to unlearn some things myself, or am I going to be made a fool of because I'm a devoted person with high empathy?

Is HE a devoted person with high empathy? It's important we seek people similar in nature in these characteristics.

 

[silver-genie]

I’m not seeing signs of abuse or lying.

The problems I see are:

-He is venting about his other partner to you. A hinge should not be sharing sexual details, intimate conversations, or relationship problems from one partner to the other.

-He doesn’t say how he feels about you. Some people don’t express that unless asked. It’s worth a conversation if you need more words of affirmation.

-I can’t tell from your post, but are you buying tickets for shows for both you and him? If he’s inviting you, you should each pay for your own ticket or he should pay for both.

-He jokes about his past life as a “fuckboy.” A fuckboy is someone who mistreats women. Is he using the term to mean that? Or is he using the term to just mean someone who sleeps around?

Re him dating a new person, I don’t see that as a problem, even if he’s previously said he’s at capacity. People are allowed to change their minds about that. I’m not sure why the amount of time between your date and him telling you he’s dating someone new matters. Perhaps you have some mononormative conditioning to unlearn? Mononormativity tells us lies like if someone truly loves us, then they won’t desire other people. If you like to read books, I’d recommend The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory or The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy.

 

[Tinwen]

Then this morning my bubble burst when he text to say he has met a third and is starting to date her.

Btw., rereading, is this his phrasing or yours?
Because relationship beginnings are rarely that formal. Usually you would invite someone out and see what happens and most connections don't make it past the first (or third) date.
So did he just say he's inviting someone out? Or is this a connection that somehow did make it past several dates already? Would you have prefered to know sooner? Is that part of the hurt? (There's no protocol for this - some experienced polyamorists would not worry about new connections until they have been firmly established, some people - especially nesting partners - just talk about everything they're doing, so it would be weird not to mention going out with someone).