Proudly Poly (and would love some advice)

crzyboutfun

crzyboutfun

New member
Hey friends. I'm Brian. I've been in the ENM/Poly world for about 5 years now. My primary partner (who's AMAZING) and I have been together for the last 8 years. After years of research, I came to the conclusion I was poly. We've been working through it as she monogamous, but extremely supportive of me and my journey. Ive dated a couple people and it hasn't seemed to worked out. Why, you ask? Simply because they haven't been all the way honest with their partners.

Recently was with a couple (somewhat of a throuple except him and I are both heterosexual) for about a year and a half. We met on a swingers site and it started that way. Fun. Swinging. Play times. Etc. I made it very clear I was/am poly and not a swinger. The three of us got really close and they ingratiated me into their everyday lives. The husband began to allow me to see his wife regularly; both sexually and other. We went on dates. I became her personal trainer. We met for coffee. Name it, we did it. It became a relationship and we fell madly in love. Madly in love. Unfortunately, there was some secretive "love chats" on WhatsApp (as that was the place we confessed our true love for each other). In March, he found a video of her confessing her love to me and told her she had to end it. I was (and to some capacity remain) devastated. We have "BIG LOVE" for one another.

I was very honest with him and told him I loved his wife months before. I was honest with her and honest with my partner. Yes, we shouldn't have been on WhatsApp and I tried to get off. She insisted we kept it as it was a way for her to "stay connected to me" so I obliged. The last three months, we've seen each other a hand full of times.. in secret. No, we haven't been physical, but loving and "checking in" on one another. She states she loves me and misses me a great deal and is doing "everything she can to get back to me." They remain in the Swinging Lifestyle and I'm struggling with the fact she (and him) moved on so fast.

She keeps up on me via social media, has her best friend reach out to me (to check in) from time to time and insists she's madly in love with me. I never wanted her to leave her husband, but I hope(d) we could love her together. When she told him we'd seen each other since our break up, he stated he'd file a "cease and desist" if it happened again. Yes, he's kinda controlling. Long story short, I'm doing my best to work through it, but I'm struggling.

Struggling with the fact their back in the lifestyle and moved on so quickly. Struggling to understand if she really cares about me at all. Struggling to understand how my friend (the husband) could cut me off so easily. Has anyone else dealt with anything like this?

Thanks, friends.
 
This is playing with fire. You're involved in a secret affair with a woman whose husband is threatening legal action, and he doesn't know even know that she's cheating yet. (Emotional cheating is still cheating.) If he finds out, he may seek out revenge against you, whether legally or physically. She is mistreating her husband by lying and cheating, and you are complicit. This is not ENM because there is nothing ethical about it. They are not poly and I doubt they ever will be.
 
My own bf is polyamorous, but dabbles in the swinging world. I still don't understand why. The two communities have very different expectations and guidelines. He falls in love with swinger women who are not interested in polyamorous-style relationships, or are only somewhat interested in them, but not committed to it. They are (ahem) "polysexual," meaning, capable of having sex with more than one person, without being in love, or wanting to be seriously in love.

(Please see the current thread on the use of the word "polysexual" if necessary.)

That grey area (between swinger and polyamorist) is a killer! I would never play in that area. My bf and I are currently having a big ongoing conversation around this. It has caused him trouble multiple times.

Also, mixing polyamory with group sex (eg. gangbangs, orgies), cuckoldry, stag/vixen or other kinks/fetishes (DD/lg, etc., etc.) can lead to confusion and hurt.

I am sorry you are hurting. There are few things more painful than unrequited love. But I'd recommend stepping back, unless your beloved were to get a divorce.

I don't know if it's possible for a husband to legally file a cease and desist order against another man who is in love with his wife! Is that even a thing? Seems kinda crazy. Isn't that her choice, legally, as an autonomous individual, to have a bf or not, married or not? He doesn't own his wife. Marriage doesn't make him her legal guardian, as if she were a minor. She is not his property. Adultery is not illegal or a crime in and of itself, though it can be grounds for a divorce.

Struggling with the fact that they're back in the lifestyle and moved on so quickly. Struggling to understand if she really cares about me at all. Struggling to understand how my friend (the husband) could cut me off so easily.
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Easy. In swinging, the (usually hetero, MF, married) couple comes first. Everyone else is supposed to be secondary, fucked but not loved romantically, in order to "protect" the original couple.

This is very unsatisfactory to many people, which is why polyamory is becoming much more popular in recent decades.
 
Magdlyn said:
My own bf is polyamorous, but dabbles in the swinging world. I still don't understand why. The two communities have very different expectations and guidelines. He falls in love with swinger women who are not interested in polyamorous-style relationships, or are only somewhat interested in them, but not committed to it. They are (ahem) "polysexual," meaning, capable of having sex with more than one person, without being in love, or wanting to be seriously in love.

(Please see the current thread on the use of the word "polysexual" if necessary.)

That grey area (between swinger and polyamorist) is a killer! I would never play in that area. My bf and I are currently having a big ongoing conversation around this. It has caused him trouble multiple times.

Also, mixing polyamory with group sex (eg. gangbangs, orgies), cuckoldry, stag/vixen or other kinks/fetishes (DD/lg, etc., etc.) can lead to confusion and hurt.

I am sorry you are hurting. There are few things more painful than unrequited love. But I'd recommend stepping back, unless your beloved were to get a divorce.

I don't know if it's possible for a husband to legally file a cease and desist order against another man who is in love with his wife! Is that even a thing? Seems kinda crazy. Isn't that her choice, legally, as an autonomous individual, to have a bf or not, married or not? He doesn't own his wife. Marriage doesn't make him her legal guardian, as if she were a minor. She is not his property. Adultery is not illegal or a crime in and of itself, though it can be grounds for a divorce.



Easy. In swinging, the (usually hetero, MF, married) couple comes first. Everyone else is supposed to be secondary, fucked but not loved romantically, in order to "protect" the original couple.

This is very unsatisfactory to many people, which is why polyamory is becoming much more popular in recent decades.
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thanks for your input and I mean that. I don't think a cease and assist is legally binding, but it's used as a "scare tactic." You're absolutely right. She's not his "property" so it's not an actual thing and she's come to see me on her own accord so how can you cease and desist me. HAHA. We very much agree there. You're right about the grey area as well. I love that they swing. Live your lives. I just wish he was more open to understanding our feelings for one another. I truly don't mind they swing. That's how I met them so how could I? I'm digging this "polysexual" word too. I'll look more into it!!!

Thank YOU!!
 
It's tough to move on with a broken heart. The pain of it came through your post loud and clear. But hearts do mend. You will get through this.

Her husband clearly feels that he is in charge of her heart as well as her body. It is absolutely cruel of him to demand that she drop you and continue sharing her body with other men in a purely physical way when she is in love with you, especially without any kind of "time out" from swinging for her to recover emotionally from the breakup. However, she has chosen to go along with it and honor his demands, so it is obvious she is putting her husband above all else, despite sneaking meetings and messages with you. At least you know that she loves you and that ending her relationship with you is not her first choice. I am very curious about what is the "everything" she's doing to "get back to" you, as she put it.

Who knows what will happen? Maybe she'll assert her autonomy and leave him, maybe she'll convince him that their relationship can survive her loving the two of you, or maybe she'll reluctantly let go of you and keep swinging and giving in to his demands, and you'll never see either of them again. I sincerely hope her husband can eventually see how much you and she are hurting, and that he will allow some room in their relationship for her to love you as well as him, and for him to resume his friendship with you. But that seems unlikely, given his obvious sense of entitlement and ownership over her. You cannot hang all your hopes on those kinds of wishes. You need to do what you can to get some distance on this, move on, and heal. I wish you the best, Brian!


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Hello Brian,

As painful as it is, my advice would be to let her go, so to speak. She isn't about to leave her husband, and he isn't about to let her have anything to do with you. The only way you will be able to associate with her, is to do it in secret. And not get caught. All of this together makes me think she is not a good match for you. I do believe she is sincere in professing her love to you, however there is a hierarchy here where she puts her husband first. Like I said, she might be willing to have a secret affair with you, but I would consider that a bad situation. It's hard to find love, and I do sympathize with you for the difficulty you have been having in finding a good match. It is tempting to resort to desperate measures.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
 
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