Hotwife to poly

[crzyboutfun]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, man. I have to admit I'm in a similar situation except I'm the other guy. My girlfriend was forced to break up with me after her husband learned we were in love and developed feelings after a "swinger/threesome" relationship started. He didn't want "feelings" to get involved but they did. We also had a secret WhatsApp conversation we shared (per her request) and since our break up, we've seen one another a few times. Not sexually, but to check in and such. It's been very hard for us both to break it off. They're back to swinging and she's working to commit to distance between us.

Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I truly am. I just wanted to give a different perspective as I understand how difficult it is to just "cut it off." I hope you guys don't judge me here. I just hope to deliver some understanding that "feelings" are somewhat out of our control; especially in a physical, sexual, emotional setting. Good luck and we're here to help.

- B.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, man. I have to admit I'm in a similar situation except I'm the other guy. My girlfriend was forced to break up with me after her husband learned we were in love and developed feelings after a "swinger/threesome" relationship started. He didn't want "feelings" to get involved but they did. We also had a secret WhatsApp conversation we shared (per her request) and since our break up, we've seen one another a few times. Not sexually, but to check in and such. It's been very hard for us both to break it off. They're back to swinging and she's working to commit to distance between us.

Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I truly am. I just wanted to give a different perspective as I understand how difficult it is to just "cut it off." I hope you guys don't judge me here. I just hope to deliver some understanding that "feelings" are somewhat out of our control; especially in a physical, sexual, emotional setting. Good luck and we're here to help.

- B.

I don't judge you.
NRE is so strong. Twelve years ago I broke my monogamous relationship because I could not let go of it (I fell in love before anything really happened, the potential was enough).

 

[Magdlyn]

This all makes sense. We have closed the relationship for now while we make sense of everything and fix our boundaries. We started reading some books together too and have started with Polysecure. In her effort to make me happy I think she has agreed to lots of boundaries, such as communication and privacy things, but as she has gotten deeper with her partners and the emotional bonds she seems to regret or want more freedom now. She hasn’t came out and said this, but these are the areas we fight over and where she has been secretive. I think in a perfect world she would love her own individual dating life. I have freedom to see other women as well. I had a online girlfriend for a little bit but it doesn’t really interest me at all.

Good. Keep reading. If all you want to do is use your wife as a sex object for your own pleasure, while she wants to actually romantically love others, I think you are intrinsically incompatible. We can't change each other. We can only change ourselves.

 

[crzyboutfun]

I don't judge you.
NRE is so strong. Twelve years ago I broke my monogamous relationship because I could not let go of it (I fell in love before anything really happened, the potential was enough).

thank you for your feedback and lack of judgment. it's really difficult to be honest about this, BUT it's the truth!!!! I commend you for falling in love and realizing that was enough)...

 

[enigmastag]

I'm so sorry this happened to you, man. I have to admit I'm in a similar situation except I'm the other guy. My girlfriend was forced to break up with me after her husband learned we were in love and developed feelings after a "swinger/threesome" relationship started. He didn't want "feelings" to get involved but they did. We also had a secret WhatsApp conversation we shared (per her request) and since our break up, we've seen one another a few times. Not sexually, but to check in and such. It's been very hard for us both to break it off. They're back to swinging and she's working to commit to distance between us.

Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I truly am. I just wanted to give a different perspective as I understand how difficult it is to just "cut it off." I hope you guys don't judge me here. I just hope to deliver some understanding that "feelings" are somewhat out of our control; especially in a physical, sexual, emotional setting. Good luck and we're here to help.

- B.

I really appreciate that and know it’s not easy to cut it off. I’m trying to be understanding of that since I know my wife connects and is very easily attached to people. We’ve seen guys say they need to step away cuz the emotional load was too much, but I have never seen her pull off of anyone for the same. I’m sure her feelings have probably been more intense that she lets on. I really need open communication on what she needs before it reaches that point. She never tried to renegotiate the boundary she agreed to but just broke them. The realization that she may be poly or demi-sexual only came up in this last situation, so it’s hard to know if it was genuine or a way to make this one work.

 

[enigmastag]

Good. Keep reading. If all you want to do is use your wife as a sex object for your own pleasure, while she wants to actually romantically love others, I think you are intrinsically incompatible. We can't change each other. We can only change ourselves.

She’s not sure if she is actually poly she said she just wants a hotwife relationship w poly elements. She likes the idea of dealing w one person at a time and meeting weekly for sex. She said she doesn’t wanna fall in love but be a fwb. So she wants to operate physically like a hotwife still and emotionally have the freedom of poly. She said the sexual aspect appeals to her and she like to do taboo things

 

[Tinwen]

I'm thinking for some people it might be better to cut off communication cold turkey, but for some people, even if they don't hookup or do a "relationship" anymore, it may be helpful to just check in from time to time when they miss each other too badly. [Probably not a good idea with that "cheating kink" going on here, but still might give additional insight to both of yours situations.]

I was in love with a man in another city which I visited for work every now and then last spring (all consensual). It was not something to last, he was not in love and our time together was very limited, but he was always kind and caring in the evenings we got. Then my work visits stopped, so our dates stopped too - I've gone there once since and don't plan to anytime soon. But I still seriously missed him half a year later and sometimes I still do. It's great comfort that we can just have chat conversation once a month or so when there's something to catch up on!

 

[Tinwen]

She’s not sure if she is actually poly she said she just wants a hotwife relationship w poly elements. She likes the idea of dealing w one person at a time and meeting weekly for sex. She said she doesn’t wanna fall in love but be a fwb. So she wants to operate physically like a hotwife still and emotionally have the freedom of poly. She said the sexual aspect appeals to her and she like to do taboo things

Sounds kinda viable. Feelings may easily develop in a fwb situation, but with personal integrity and the understanding that "falling in love" is not fate, a signal to rush action (such as leaving the primary relationship), or a personal offence to the original partner, and that the hormons will go down in a few months, it's very possible to work through that.
To me, poly with a date roughly once a week and feelings allowed is still very legitimate poly, or at least something sitting on the intersection between just "open" and "poly". If the secondary relationship is not allowed to become co-primary over time, we would call the structure "hierarchical". Hierarchical poly can be deeply hurtful to the third person if they want more, but plenty of people live those relationships quite successfully, choosing compatible partners (such as those who also have committed primary relationships). In my opinion, it is the most sustainable ENM structure for anyone with many commitments.
There's no fool-proof tool to prevent one of the secondary relationships from deepening to the point where they want to let it grow further (as it has happened in our situation). But being deeply rooted in a happy marriage and "family first" values certainly helps - but this can't come from outside, it has to be an inner conviction of the "hinge".

Is your marriage otherwise secure? Do you think your wife could develop that kind of personal integrity? Can you imagine being happy for her feeling love and arousal instead of feeling betrayed?