enigmastag
New member
Me and my wife have been on quite the journey and has led us to a place where she has told me she believes she is either poly or demi sexual. We have been in a cuck or stag/vixen lifestyle the last few years, which I initially asked to share her. We started online for a few years and then moved to in person. I always had concerns, because she leaned very emotional and that was always somewhat of a boundary for me, but I still moved forward in the lifestyle. As we moved forward we tried to compromise and she required more contact than I initially expected and there was a lot of emotional connection. There began to be breaking of rules and boundary crossing such as giving of phone numbers, or secret phone calls and other types of things that happened. We always chose the guys together and some guys made effort to cause issues in our relationships, and I would tell her these people made me uncomfortable and many of our boundaries were crossed and we needed to move on from these people. These caused a lot of conflict in our relationship as she was very into the connections she made and just wanted to "have fun" and moving on from people seemed heartless and came off like I was the bad guy in this situation. From my viewpoint, my wife was hiding communicatoin, lying to me at times about what was happening, and this was unsafe for our relationship.
Fast forward to the last situation. She found a guy that she liked and she went and hooked up with him with everyone on board. In hindsight our vetting could be better but we were probably overexcited. The hookup went great, but in the days afterwards, I asked to see her messages. We have always shared messages and went over updates with these guys. He had actually been telling her to delete the messages and doing a "cheating kink" thing with her and she deleted their messages. She apologized and said she wouldn't anymore. I reached out to him and told him it made me uncomforable. He ignored my message which was weird as we had talked well in the past. Over the next few days he continued to tell her to delete messages which she told me. At this point I told her I felt uncomfortable moving forward with him as I felt he had bad motives and was trying to get her to do things behind my back. Per her request I reached out to him and the conversation with him went nowhere. He told me after I explained how I felt "im not going to beg you to fuck your wife. We know she wants it. and youre just getting in the way" He dropped her on tinder where they were talking and she had a very emotional reaction and went and cried in the bedroom closet for 30 minutes.
She literally asked me every day to hook up with this guy again for almost 2 weeks. I told her I could not go down this road and it did not make me feel uncomfortable. This was an ongoing fight for us. Every date it was discussed to the point she was talking about breaking up over this guy. The discussion now came up that she was now poly, or demi sexual and she realized she now needs a deep emotional connection and she wants to pick her partners now and not have them taken away. She told me I am controlling. I dont want to be a controlling partner, but if we agree to rules and they are broken I dont see how its fair to continue with those people and it feels unsafe to our relationship. I stood my ground and though she would be upset but we would move on eventually.
Come to find out later that she made a secret chat account and started talking to him again. they talked for two weeks and eventually he wanted to see her again. She told him she couldnt because of me but he offered to get a hotel and she went and met him one day when I was at work and spent hours with him. I found out she wasnt where she was supposed to be and confronted her the next day. She lied about her whereabouts but eventually confessed. she confessed with a smile on her face and told me she was going to keep fucking this guy. I told her she wasnt or we couldnt continue. She never let me see another message between them and she continued talking to him for weeks. Sex between us stopped for a while and she still asked several times to go see him again. I told her the guy she cheated on I would never be ok with coming back into the fold.
We are now in marriage counseling and on a full break from all of this. She has finally broken off communication with him, but says that she is poly/demi and needs only 1 person to play with, while I have always wanted to have her play w/ multiple people. I have wanted this so her attention is split but I understand she needs to be herself. Maybe ENM is not for us but I'm torn as to whether I can truly give her what she wants. I always told her that I couldn't do poly because her being emotionally connected was way too hard for me. These guys shes finding are just hookup buddies too so its a very one sides emotional connection. Maybe thats not my resposniblity as to whether they truly care about her, but I love her and dont want to see her hurt. I just feel torn in the middle and I really enjoy the part of sharing her. I have tried to give her more of what she needs, more solo hookups, more communcation and more freedom. She believes I have dictated every step of the way so I'm not sure what to do at this point, and if giving her a hotwife/poly lifestyle is good or if it will sign the death certificate for our marriage.
Thanks for listening.
Fast forward to the last situation. She found a guy that she liked and she went and hooked up with him with everyone on board. In hindsight our vetting could be better but we were probably overexcited. The hookup went great, but in the days afterwards, I asked to see her messages. We have always shared messages and went over updates with these guys. He had actually been telling her to delete the messages and doing a "cheating kink" thing with her and she deleted their messages. She apologized and said she wouldn't anymore. I reached out to him and told him it made me uncomforable. He ignored my message which was weird as we had talked well in the past. Over the next few days he continued to tell her to delete messages which she told me. At this point I told her I felt uncomfortable moving forward with him as I felt he had bad motives and was trying to get her to do things behind my back. Per her request I reached out to him and the conversation with him went nowhere. He told me after I explained how I felt "im not going to beg you to fuck your wife. We know she wants it. and youre just getting in the way" He dropped her on tinder where they were talking and she had a very emotional reaction and went and cried in the bedroom closet for 30 minutes.
She literally asked me every day to hook up with this guy again for almost 2 weeks. I told her I could not go down this road and it did not make me feel uncomfortable. This was an ongoing fight for us. Every date it was discussed to the point she was talking about breaking up over this guy. The discussion now came up that she was now poly, or demi sexual and she realized she now needs a deep emotional connection and she wants to pick her partners now and not have them taken away. She told me I am controlling. I dont want to be a controlling partner, but if we agree to rules and they are broken I dont see how its fair to continue with those people and it feels unsafe to our relationship. I stood my ground and though she would be upset but we would move on eventually.
Come to find out later that she made a secret chat account and started talking to him again. they talked for two weeks and eventually he wanted to see her again. She told him she couldnt because of me but he offered to get a hotel and she went and met him one day when I was at work and spent hours with him. I found out she wasnt where she was supposed to be and confronted her the next day. She lied about her whereabouts but eventually confessed. she confessed with a smile on her face and told me she was going to keep fucking this guy. I told her she wasnt or we couldnt continue. She never let me see another message between them and she continued talking to him for weeks. Sex between us stopped for a while and she still asked several times to go see him again. I told her the guy she cheated on I would never be ok with coming back into the fold.
We are now in marriage counseling and on a full break from all of this. She has finally broken off communication with him, but says that she is poly/demi and needs only 1 person to play with, while I have always wanted to have her play w/ multiple people. I have wanted this so her attention is split but I understand she needs to be herself. Maybe ENM is not for us but I'm torn as to whether I can truly give her what she wants. I always told her that I couldn't do poly because her being emotionally connected was way too hard for me. These guys shes finding are just hookup buddies too so its a very one sides emotional connection. Maybe thats not my resposniblity as to whether they truly care about her, but I love her and dont want to see her hurt. I just feel torn in the middle and I really enjoy the part of sharing her. I have tried to give her more of what she needs, more solo hookups, more communcation and more freedom. She believes I have dictated every step of the way so I'm not sure what to do at this point, and if giving her a hotwife/poly lifestyle is good or if it will sign the death certificate for our marriage.
Thanks for listening.
