Very non-monogamous sexually, but mono-amorous emotionally — can this work with a polyamorous partner?

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karl.190

New member
I’m trying to understand a painful mismatch in my relationship of seven years. I feel some shame that I am only now seeing this clearly. For a long time, I think I understood the problem mainly as jealousy or insecurity, but I’m starting to think the deeper issue may be different.

I am very non-monogamous sexually. I sleep with other people, and my partner does not really have an issue with that. So the problem is not simple sexual exclusivity.

The difference seems to be emotional. My partner is genuinely polyamorous: she may sleep with fewer people than I do, but she seems able to divide love, intimacy, and emotional needs among more than one person. I, on the other hand, seem mono-amorous: I may be sexually open, but emotionally I attach very centrally to her. I love her deeply and I know she loves me similarily deep as well.

My main struggle is not only jealousy, but comparison and ranking. When she has a vivid life, deep connections, or possible other loves, I collapse into feeling replaceable, less important, or somehow “less.” I can have sex with others without it threatening my love for her, but when I imagine her loving others, it hits something much deeper in me.

This has caused a lot of pain for me. I think I am successul in not controlling her or making her smaller. But I fear to force myself into a relationship structure that destroys me. I am trying to understand the difference between growth and self-abandonment.

So my questions are:

Have others here experienced this kind of asymmetry — sexually non-monogamous, but emotionally mono-amorous, with a genuinely polyamorous partner?

Can emotional polyamory be learned, or is that the wrong way to think about it?

What helped you become less threatened by your partner’s other emotional bonds?

What were signs that you were growing?

And what were signs that you were trying to override your own limits?

I would be grateful for perspectives, especially from people who have lived through similar mono/poly or emotionally asymmetric dynamics.
 
I don't know if you can "learn" polyamory, but I can attest sometimes the quest of discovering one's capacities and how to work with them is a very long-term process. Have you ever in your life had the experience of being in love with two people at once?

12 years ago I fell in love with Idealist while already being in a long-term (sadly, monogamous) relationship. The relationship didn't survive and the dragged-out break-up wasn't nice at all. But there and then I already had one experience of experiencing NRE and still loving my original partner - which, I think, is a capacity many people have, and which sits at the bottom of being able to maintain polyamorous relationships.

In the first two years of my relationship with Idealist I tried dating a bit but was very unsuccessful, partly because I didn't know how to arrange my life if I did succeed. I also fixated on Idealist very much and eventually I was satisfied having just him - although still curious about intimacy/kink with others, not much happened with others.
Then I had a huge crush on a rope teacher! "Luckily" he was from another country, I don't know, how I'd manage otherwise 😅
Then our relationship became significantly less stable and I during the times I contemplated breaking up I paradoxically stayed very far away from everyone else. I don't think I have the capacity you seem to have to not fall in love with intimate partners, and I was not sure how I'd handle a new temptation... It wasn't until I recommited that I could finally seek a kink partner, and it was at that point I fell in love (although unrequited) and could see that while the craving for the new person was super strong and perhaps overshadowed my intimacy with Idealist for a few months, my underlying feelings for him didn't change one bit.

So during 10 years of my "polyamorous" (on his side) relationship, I myself did NOT consider myself polyamorous. I had zero experience really having two stable relationships at once, and I was not sure a new love wouldn't cause me to fall out of love with Idealist... and felt very attached to him at the same time.
It's only after I have made the experience of having a parallel loving relationship - although a very restricted one - that I can, cautiously, self-identify as polyamorous. I didn't "become" polyamorous, but I learned that I do have the capacity and how to use it, and my self-discovery took twelwe years and isn't finished yet.
 
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Hello karl.190,

It sounds like your problem is that you do not want to share your partner emotionally. If this is the case, I am inclined to venture that polysexual/polyamorous will not work for you. However, maybe you can get some sessions with a poly-friendly therapist, and you may be able that way to learn to share. Just a thought.

In theory, any combination of relationship style can work, as long as all of the involved parties consent to it. In your case, I think that you are struggling to consent, which is a definite road block. Are you in poly hell? Maybe there are things your partner can do to make you feel more valued.

At a deep-down level, it all depends on whether you can believe that emotional involvement can be had with multiple lovers, even when you yourself only have emotional involvement with one lover. It is a mind stretch, I don't know if you can do it. I do think reading and posting on this forum can eventually help. Right now, polyamory is the fear of the unknown.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
There are many stories of people who discover polyamory after going their whole lives having never even heard about it and not knowing what it is, but then—for a variety of reasons—they choose to get onboard the polyamory train. They learn as they go and figure out through trial and error (and likely some heartbreak) whether it is for them or not. The only requirement is being open to it, really, but reading about it, researching, and talking with poly people does help. So, I do believe it can be learned.

Personally, my stance is that it's a practice and way of relating with which I can choose to engage or not. That's why I call myself a polyamorist and not polyamorous. In my view, it's something I do, not something I am. However, I do acknowledge that some people have more of an inclination towards it than others, and some people are just totally averse to it. But if you're curious and open to learning more about polyamory, and willing to very gently embrace it, then you absolutely can "become less threatened by your partner’s other emotional bonds." You absolutely can grow emotionally, and in many ways, by examining your beliefs about relationships and love, your ingrained patterns of being (we all have them), and your reactions to such (but you don't really need polyamory as the prompt to examine all that; doing so helps us grow no matter what prompted us to look more deeply at what makes us tick). Embarking on such a mission—albeit cautiously, gently, and respectfully—absolutely can be quite an adventure! And if it turns out to be more pain than adventure, it's not necessarily a failure; it just means you've found your hard limits and it's not for you.
 
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I don't know if this helps you any.

Some people make "mixed marriage" or "mixed relationship" work. Like a traveler with a homebody, a vegetarian with a non-vegetarian, one religion with another, dating for casual sex on your side and dating for polyamory on hers, and so on. They have enough in common to share with each other and then the other parts they do on their own. Like make separate entree but sharing the salad or dessert in the case of the vegetarian with the non-vegetarian. Or they attend different houses of worship and the rest of the week they live together.

Is she oversharing her NRE lalas at you about the new dating partner and that is what unsettles you?

Is this the first person she dated AFTER you? Because with the husband, you kind of had to accept she already came with one if you wanted to date her. She might have been well past the NRE phase with husband before you arrived so you didn't need to deal with that up close.

The NRE phase with you included YOU in it so that was nice.

But here's this new NRE that is between her and New Person. So maybe you feel left out or weird about it? Maybe miss the old NRE days with her? Could any of that be true?

My main struggle is not only jealousy, but comparison and ranking. When she has a vivid life, deep connections, or possible other loves, I collapse into feeling replaceable, less important, or somehow “less.”

Well, what do you need to stop "ranking" yourself against people in her life? It's been 7 years. How many years does it have to reach before you feel safe enough here as a permanent part of her life?

Does she overshare about her other loves and you'd like to hear less TMI details?

when I imagine her loving others, it hits something much deeper in me.

Since you are the one doing the imagining, could you imagine things being fine rather than doom things like imagining her loving others and you "falling down" in the ranks as a result?

What's your inner voice telling you? Do you have a harsh inner critic? Are you reacting or responding to the inner critic voice and not actual life? Because in actual life you just said you love her deeply and she also loves you deeply/similar. It doesn't sound like she's devaluing you. Kinda sounds like you devalue you.

What helped you become less threatened by your partner’s other emotional bonds?

What about the emotional bond with her husband was different that it didn't trip you up?

What is different about the emotional bond with NewPerson that does trip you up?

And what were signs that you were trying to override your own limits?

What ARE your limits? You don't seem to say clearly. Did you mean signs of self abandoning? You can google for articles. Here is some.

www.terricole.com

10 Signs You're Self-Abandoning + What To Do Instead - Terri Cole

Do you tend to lose yourself in relationships? Are you a people pleaser who prioritizes others above yourself? Do you look outside yourself for validation? If you answered yes and you’re tired of these relational dynamics, you’re in the right place because I’m talking all about self-abandonment...
www.terricole.com

heatherspurrell.com

Stop Self-Abandonment: How to Start Choosing Yourself in Relationships

Self-abandonment is costing you love, connection, and confidence. Here’s how to break the pattern and finally put yourself first.
heatherspurrell.com heatherspurrell.com

Galagirl
 
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karl.190 said:
The difference seems to be emotional. My partner is genuinely polyamorous: she may sleep with fewer people than I do, but she seems able to divide love, intimacy, and emotional needs among more than one person. I, on the other hand, seem mono-amorous: I may be sexually open, but emotionally I attach very centrally to her. I love her deeply and I know she loves me similarily deep as well.
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Somehow your use of the word "divide" sticks out. I wonder if this is your view or if it somehow corresponds to your partner's view/behavior.

Poly people tend to view love as abundant, indivisible or even "infinite" (I don't like that word). Sometimes we use analogies with kids or friends - having another child doesn't mean we love the first one any less. In the same way having multiple partners/lovers doesn't diminish the love people feel for any of them.
Attachment also feels more like attaching to multiples rather than 'dividing' your attachment need.

There are divisible resources though: time, attention and money. You can easily feel slighted on that front.

What is interesting is your notion of "dividing emotional needs". I've been contemplating many times whether people are replacable meeting our needs... What I found is yes and no, or sometimes. In my NRE I could totally be intimate with one partner and still crave intimacy with, or just miss, the other, so no, everyone is unique, not replacable. It's a common experience. Partners are NOT replaceable (which you also seem to point out talking about your sole attachment to her and not any of the sex partners).
At the same time, sometimes when I've got a physical craving pretty much anyone can scratch the itch.
 
Hi! I was never really in this non-monogamous sexually, but monogamous emotionally situation, but I kind of understand what you feel. The ranking part can be quite anxiety-inducing. It really depends on her and only time can tell if things work or not. The only thing I do know is that for me (and for some polyamorous people), the ranking is no longer a thing. What I mean is that if you only have one partner, then yeah you might compare and try to decide who is better for you. But when you are polyamorous and it really is about love, then you love someone as they are. One of them might be a very perfect looking person, while the other is a bit plain but very much your type. It is really not just about traditional ranking. You find reasons for loving someone and that's it. I understand that this is an idealized way of being polyamorous and many might not be like this, but perhaps this idea can help change your perspective.
 
I can totally relate to how you feel. My wife and I come from more of a swinger background but my wife is very connective and free emotionally and I am very monogamous is that manner which has been a big struggle for me as well. I know some people label it as how I want to see her sexually but from my perspective I hold the emotional part very sacred, probably due to my early trauma and how slow I am to open up to other people. I am trying not to project that onto my partner but its difficult. I think when we have an emotional boundary in that way its hard to see our partner opening up to others in that way and it feels very unsafe. I know others have mentioned about just getting less details about your partners adventures, that is honestly how my wife is with me. When I have explored with other people she doesnt want to know a thing, see a picture hear a detail anything. This seems to be a self preservation measure as Im sure going through the feelings of jealousy and insecurity she may not be able to handle. Sometimes I feel she doesn't care much or she has no compersion. On the other hand, its compounded for me because I always like to know everything that is going on, I really want to know the details. But I'd rather hear honesty about how my partner is emotionally connecting. I think being left in the dark and being left out would feel even worse.

Thank you for your post.
 
IndieSolo, they were posting about this on Reddit too. But you are right. They didn't post that detail here.

Karl, I get this feels hard. But it doesn't sound like she's the one "ranking" you.

What is your desired outcome? Do you want romantic exclusiveness? Want to stop doing this ranking thing? Something else?

But I fear to force myself into a relationship structure that destroys me.
Click to expand...

Are you forcing yourself into a relationship structure that is harming you? Are you happy here?

Only you can answer that. You are the one there.

GG
 
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