Very non-monogamous sexually, but mono-amorous emotionally — can this work with a polyamorous partner?

[karl.190]

I’m trying to understand a painful mismatch in my relationship of seven years. I feel some shame that I am only now seeing this clearly. For a long time, I think I understood the problem mainly as jealousy or insecurity, but I’m starting to think the deeper issue may be different.

I am very non-monogamous sexually. I sleep with other people, and my partner does not really have an issue with that. So the problem is not simple sexual exclusivity.

The difference seems to be emotional. My partner is genuinely polyamorous: she may sleep with fewer people than I do, but she seems able to divide love, intimacy, and emotional needs among more than one person. I, on the other hand, seem mono-amorous: I may be sexually open, but emotionally I attach very centrally to her. I love her deeply and I know she loves me similarily deep as well.

My main struggle is not only jealousy, but comparison and ranking. When she has a vivid life, deep connections, or possible other loves, I collapse into feeling replaceable, less important, or somehow “less.” I can have sex with others without it threatening my love for her, but when I imagine her loving others, it hits something much deeper in me.

This has caused a lot of pain for me. I think I am successul in not controlling her or making her smaller. But I fear to force myself into a relationship structure that destroys me. I am trying to understand the difference between growth and self-abandonment.

So my questions are:

Have others here experienced this kind of asymmetry — sexually non-monogamous, but emotionally mono-amorous, with a genuinely polyamorous partner?

Can emotional polyamory be learned, or is that the wrong way to think about it?

What helped you become less threatened by your partner’s other emotional bonds?

What were signs that you were growing?

And what were signs that you were trying to override your own limits?

I would be grateful for perspectives, especially from people who have lived through similar mono/poly or emotionally asymmetric dynamics.

 

[Tinwen]

I don't know if you can "learn" polyamory, but I can attest sometimes the quest of discovering one's capacities and how to work with them is a very long-term process. Have you ever in your life had the experience of being in love with two people at once?

12 years ago I fell in love with Idealist while already being in a long-term (sadly, monogamous) relationship. The relationship didn't survive and the dragged-out break-up wasn't nice at all. But there and then I already had one experience of experiencing NRE and still loving my original partner - which, I think, is a capacity many people have, and which sits at the bottom of being able to maintain polyamorous relationships.

In the first two years of my relationship with Idealist I tried dating a bit but was very unsuccessful, partly because I didn't know how to arrange my life if I was successful. I also fixated on Idealist very much and eventually I was satisfied having just him - although still curious about intimacy/kink with others, not much happened with others.
Then I had a huge crush on a rope teacher! "Luckily" he was from another country, I don't know, how I'd manage otherwise
Then our relationship became significantly less stable and I during the times I contemplated breaking up I paradoxically stayed very far away from everyone else. I don't think I have the capacity you seem to have to not fall in love with intimate partners, and I was not sure how I'd handle a new crush temptation... It wasn't until I recommited that I could finally seek a kink partner, and it was at that point I fell in love (although unrequited) and could see that while the craving for the new person was super strong and perhaps overshadowed my intimacy with Idealist for a few minths, my underlying feelings for him didn't change one bit.

So during 10 years of my "polyamorous" (on his side) relationship, I myself did NOT consider myself polyamorous. I had zero experience really having two stable relationships at once, and I was not sure a new love wouldn't cause me to fall out of love with Idealist... and felt very attached to him at the same time.
It's only after I have made the experience of having a parallel loving relationship - although a very restricted one - that I can, cautiously, self-identify as polyamorous. I didn't "become" polyamoroys, but I learned that I do have the capacity and how to use it, and my self-discovery took twelwe years and isn't finished yet.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello karl.190,

It sounds like your problem is that you do not want to share your partner emotionally. If this is the case, I am inclined to venture that polysexual/polyamorous will not work for you. However, maybe you can get some sessions with a poly-friendly therapist, and you may be able that way to learn to share. Just a thought.

In theory, any combination of relationship style can work, as long as all of the involved parties consent to it. In your case, I think that you are struggling to consent, which is a definite road block. Are you in poly hell? Maybe there are things your partner can do to make you feel more valued.

At a deep-down level, it all depends on whether you can believe that emotional involvement can be had with multiple lovers, even when you yourself only have emotional involvement with one lover. It is a mind stretch, I don't know if you can do it. I do think reading and posting on this forum can eventually help. Right now, polyamory is the fear of the unknown.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.