Telling husband I'm poly, need advice

Erin

Erin

New member
Hi all,

I'm female, in my early 30s, bisexual and have been married to a man for almost 10 years. I think I have always been polyamorous, but didn't know it had a name until recently. I hope to meet people here, preferably from the Chicagoland area (future events?), and get advice from those around the country/world.

I haven't come out to my husband yet, as he is obnoxiously traditional. I don't know how to approach the subject. How did you work through your struggles? I fear admitting my desires will land me a divorce. I'm not kidding. I'd like to know what you did to survive.

Deeply isolated with confusion,
Erin
 
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The threat of his being very not into it is very real for a lot of married couples. Eventually you will have to decide to tell him. I suggest you do that before getting involved in the poly community, as you could find someone interesting and fall into a situation that might make you lose your integrity.

Integrity is very important, as are respect, honesty and empathy. You don't sound like you have built on these foundations yet, and that could lead you to unwanted trouble, I think.

I suggest you get some books (see our resources in Golden Nuggets) and begin reading them. He could notice this and ask what they are. You could talk about this site too, or other things you find online. That could be a segue into asking him what he thinks. If he says it's bullshit, that is where you get to say, "Actually, it makes sense to me, and here's why."

Starting with questions is sometimes easier than coming out.
 
He knows

Okay, so we talked for the last two nights about what I want. He won't have it. He thinks I've cheated on him already.

He retorted that I've gained too much weight. This was like a blow to my heart, because my dad's side is overweight. In the last 10 years with my husband, I've gone from a size 10 to a size 12, but I've also gained a BA and MA in Education. What a jerk!! He didn't regret what he said until the 3rd hr of talking last night.

This has set me back months, because now I won't feel comfortable showing him my body until I'm "in shape" again. Here I thought I was going to get MORE sex, but now the sex is dead until I improve. What a crock of...!

He absolutely hates the idea of me being bisexual. I told him after three months of dating and he almost broke up with me. I tucked away my feelings so I could be with him. But now I feel they can't be hidden anymore. What I really want more, though, is to date other men. He also refuses to discuss the idea of exploring polyamory options for either of us. So, here's the outcome of last night's three hour discussion.

1) I need to lose weight
2) He will take a better interest in my sexual needs
3) If both improve, then we will try for a child next fall
4) If 1 or 2 don't improve, then we'll divorce, and I'll move to Florida as planned.

So, now I will be:
1) Exercising to please my husband
2) Not be allowed to explore my sexuality with others

I feel as if I've gone mad accepting these terms. :(
 
Well, that's a shame. How's that for three nights work? He's done, because cause he's an asshole that doesn't love and appreciate you.

I once had a boyfriend who I was monogamous with for three years, and he told me if I ever got as fat as a friend of ours, he would leave me. It took a year, but in that year that thought whittled away at me and I cheated on him, stopped having sex with him, and ended up having absolutely no respect for him at all. I hurt him pretty bad, and by the end he was begging me to stay. I ended up playing around with our roommate, and he threw all my stuff out on the lawn when I was away. (A whole bunch of my paintings were stolen.)

If I had gone with my gut much earlier, and realized that I was done, things would not have looked like it was I who was the asshole. I wanted compassion, understanding, undying love and acceptance, someone who would stand by me when I was at my lowest. Someone who would love me up no matter what I turn out to look like.

Your husband is not worth it. Really, he isn't. We all grow old, and many of us get fat. If he is going to judge you now, then you will both be miserable.

Another note: don't buy into this bullshit: "If I lose weight, he will love me." Women are fed such crocks of shit. My partners love me regardless. I stay healthy for myself.
 
My last posting makes me sound silly. I am an educated woman stuck in a exhausted marriage that should've ended a long time ago, but the housing market prevents us from selling the house. Sadly, we both know it. I know if things were different, I would've broke it off years ago. I'd be living in a relative's basement if this ends. Ugh. I need to start seriously saving.

I'm fed up. The joke is on him. I'm going out to the club tonight with my girlfriends. Ha!
 
Erin, your story resonates with me right down to the ground. I am older than you, 55, and now divorcing a man who is so similar to yours! A straight vanilla white man.

He knew I was bisexual from the start, but didn't accept it for 20 years! He used to say stupid things like, "What are you? A fucking lesbian?" Um, no, how could I be a lesbian when I was so obviously also attracted to men? Finally he did accept my bisexual nature. We also opened our marriage at that time, and tried things with a unicorn. But that didn't work out, as she was actually only attracted to him. She was more of what I now know as a "cowgirl," interested in taking him away from me.

We attempted polyamory for those 10 years, in theory more than in practice. We had three young children, and I really had no interest in seeing others, as I was too busy raising and homeschooling our kids. Our sex life amazingly improved as our love grew less, which was weird.

Finally, for that and other reasons, we split. I am so much happier now, even though my financial situation is less comfortable. I'm in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful woman. She and I are both bi/pansexual, and see others, mostly men. I hope you can spare yourself the pain and get out now. I take it you don't have children? That makes things much less complicated.

The weight comment is also a really low blow. Going from a size 10 to a 12 is what? A 10 lb weight gain? For goodness' sakes. What a douche nozzle.
 
redpepper said:
Another note; don't buy into the "if I lose weight he will love me" bullshit. Women are fed such crocks of shit. My partners love me regardless and I stay healthy for me.
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Two words come to mind after reading your posts (not redpepper's, the OP's):

CONDITIONAL LOVE


Magdlyn said:
The weight comment is also a really low blow. Going from a size 10 to a 12 is what? A 10 lb weight gain? For goodness' sakes. What a douchenozzle.
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I was a size 12 when I met my husband and I'm a 16-18 now. My husband is still attracted to me and I don't FEEL fat, either. Yes I would like it if 50 pounds just went away, but I don't worry about my body-image.

If he thinks you're fat now, what will he think if you "try for a child" and gain a lot of weight from that?
 
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Okay. There is just so much to say about this situation, I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just throw out some thoughts.

First off, please please please do not bring a child into this situation. If you and your husband decide to work all these huge issues out and work together to create a stable, happy home, that's one thing. But it is so unfair to bring a child into a home where the members make one another miserable. Seriously, please do not inflict that kind of damage on an innocent child.

Next, the fact that your husband took a cheap shot at your weight shows he fights dirty. That's poor form, shows poor character and a lack of love and respect for you. The fact that such a cheap shot hit a nerve shows that you have work to do on your self-esteem.

And before we go further into that, let me say my father's family also has a tendency toward being overweight. And I am so very much my father's daughter, both for better and for worse. So I feel your pain on that front. Very much so. In fact, I think I'll start a thread on the topic. But in dealing with the issues before you, you, and you alone must deal with your self-esteem and self-image.

One final thought: when my brother and his wife of almost 20 years divorced, they shared the house until they could sell it. Took almost two years. Yes, there was some wailing and gnashing of teeth on both sides, but they're both smart, strong people, and they worked through it, and in the end they came out the other side as friends. Now they have a much healthier relationship than most ex-spouses.
 
Grrr! The whole losing weight thing really chaps my ass! He wants you to exercise and get down one dress size, then he'll deign to fuck you and knock you up? What's he gonna think when you're pregnant with swollen breasts, swollen ankles and huge belly? What's he gonna be like when you're post partum, leaking milk, with stretch marks here and there, and loose skin on your belly?

At least my ex liked my body no matter what size I was. In fact, he used to praise me for giving him "two women," the slender small-breasted maiden figure I had for the first 10 yrs, and the full-breasted, round-bellied goddess figure I developed after kids came along.

Run! Get out while you can!
 
Let me start off by saying that, as a man, I'm sorry you have to go through something like this. My wife and I were in a similar situation last year. We both sat down and talk about it. It was I who suggested polyamory Let me say that you are not weird in your feelings.

I believe that your husband is trying to confuse you and make you believe that you are the problem in the marriage. I'm not a counselor, but it was the 6 months of counseling that led us to this juncture. From that, we found that we both had a part in the way our marriage was going. Your husband needs to man up and accept responsibility for his part, I think.

Now, concerning losing weight, and getting pregnant (gaining weight that will need to be lost again)-- please, please, please do not have a baby with this man. This will not help the situation; it will only make it worse. Furthermore, there are a lot of guys out their that like full-figured women. To me, a size 12 is not big at all. You are probably more attractive than he realizes. I believe he said this to make you doubt yourself and believe that no one will want you at that size. Well, he is flat-out wrong. You have to feel good about yourself. If you are happy at a size 12, then stay a size 12. Erin, whatever you do, do it because you want to, not because he says you should.

The bottom line is, I think-- move to Florida and leave the idiot. You probably will be better off.

My wife and I are from Chicago. We both grew up on the South Side. We both read this. We feel your pain.

Stay strong and know that it's all about you.
 
Erin, I have been thinking about control lately, and your thread touched a big nerve for me. What your man is doing is attempting to control you by making you feel worthless and unlovable. Please get out, if not physically, then mentally.

It is simply wrong, in my opinion, to allow anyone to control our right for freedom, expression and to be exactly who we are. Your marriage is not a dictatorial state. It is a shared experience that is meant to be about love, respect, acceptance and common appreciation for who each other are. This is not the 1950s, when women were shackled to their homes and roles as housewives and mothers, and all the cultural rules that went along with that.

I suggest you have a good long talk with him and give him a reality check pretty soon. He deserves this, at least, as he is a product of his upbringing. In that reality check, I do hope that you encourage him to learn and grow beyond his mindset, as he is operating from old programming and will end up lonely and abandoned, as not many women will stay with an asshole like him, and he will wonder why and be angry. We don't need people like him taking that out on the world, and women, in particular.

I believe it's our job as women to knock some sense into some men, or at least attempt it before we move on.
 
Thank you!!!

I am so overwhelmed with comfort to read all of your comments. Your shared experiences makes me feel that I'm not crazy or alone. I have only been able to read these on my iPhone and planned to quote all of you with responses. My husband and I share a computer, and I believe he is leaving for the store soon. I will share my thoughts soon. I am so very grateful to have discovered this forum and hear your thoughts. You are my only positive source of input.
 
Updates

Everyone’s comments have been so wonderful. This has been so confusing for me, so I enjoy reading what you say! I can tell this is a safe community to draw advice from.

To be clear, I have been working on fixing this relationship for years, but my frustrations grew out of control in the last few months. This weekend, I had again asked for marriage counseling, but he denied it. He also denied my bisexuality, any possibility of polyamory, or the inclusion of a third person to spice up our non-existent sex life. So just when I thought we could move forward, we instead took five steps backward. We get along as friends, so after three hrs of talking this weekend, it was easier for me to make peace with the terms listed above than storm out and move into a relative’s basement. He did, however, have no qualms with me going out to the clubs and dancing on the weekends with friends. He knows dancing is a form of music therapy and exercise for me. (I gave that up for him when I met him. too.)

Damn, I sound so dumb.

So, after our talk, he was flirty and cheerful all day yesterday, until I went out dancing last night. Today, he was much more quiet and reserved. He hasn’t really talked to or touched me all day. If he does, he’s critical and sarcastic. This is so typical of our relationship. One day we’re up, the next we’re down. He’s mean to me, but makes me dinner. It’s exhausting.

I do not feel weird in wanting to share myself with others (and to share him with others).

I know I look nice. I dress well and take care of myself. When he told me I was overweight, I knew he was just being an asshole in retaliation for me wanting to date others while remaining married. I never cried or anything. I just stopped talking to him. However, he made me feel bad for telling him I have these thoughts.

Basically, now I’m not allowed to talk about it. He says it is dirty and immoral. I feel it is human nature to share love with more than one person in a responsible way.

I actually have a new man in mind, as we are both spiritually and sexually connected, but my new guy won’t take it any further unless I leave my husband. So as it stands, both men are not in my life. I feel so very alone and sad! What the hell do I do now?!

Despite the bad stuff I’m telling everyone, my husband is a good, moral person who definitely provides for me. I wouldn’t mind staying with him if he were more open-minded to my sexual needs, but this will never be so. I’m tired of trying. The sex and sexual favors effectively stop immediately. I am saving as much money as possible so that when the separation does occur, I’ll be ready.

I am so thankful to hear from everyone, and even a man’s perspective – so appreciated!

I am not sure what to do next. Do I continue to keep things to myself as he wishes? Do I allow myself to meet new men or women, despite what he will allow in the marriage? I fear the threat of infidelity is all too real, at this point. What do you all do when your partner says no? How do you cope?
 
You need to decide if you can live with cutting off essential parts of yourself (the poly, the bisexuality) for the rest of your life.

He refuses counseling. He condemns you for being who you are. He views a part of you that is natural and loving as something dirty and sick.

He insults you to make you feel inadequate, in order to maintain control over you.

Lying to him and continuing to see others behind his back will eat away at your soul. It will cheapen you and cause you immeasurable harm.

Only you can decide if it is worth it to deny a beautiful, vital part of yourself in order to please him. But bear in mind that it's likely that he will never be pleased, no matter how badly you mutilate your essential self to suit his standards.

His unwillingness to seek counseling with you or to even try to understand your point of view should be a big red flag with flashing danger signals around it. And the flag is situated in the middle of a minefield littered with bear traps. And it's on fire.

But he pays the bills, so it's okay that he doesn't satisfy you emotionally or physically and thinks you are morally inferior.

Pardon the sarcasm there, but why are you staying? For the financial security? I know it's scary out there, but who you are is something worth fighting for. Who you are in your heart of hearts is all that you really have, in the end.
 
Penny said:
Pardon the sarcasm there, but why are you staying? For the financial security? I know it's scary out there, but who you are is something worth fighting for. Who you are in your heart of hearts is all that you really have in the end.
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This forum has helped me realize that I cannot remain with this man and ever be fully satisfied. He'll never be satisfied because he'll always be worried. His non-sex does not match my all-sex needs. (I feel like I'm the dude in the relationship!) Now I understand why men cheat on women who withhold. This is torture!

I can't leave this weekend. I'm not prepared. I need to save more, prepare by telling my family that trouble is brewing (lessening the blow now will make criticism on me disappear later). Also, I have a stressful job, and this would add to my anxiety right before the holidays.

Yeah, I agree staying with him right now is shit. I should leave. I should drive over to the other man's home and profess my interests in him. But I wont. Instead I'll keep my thoughts to myself, read from the book section, and talk with the wonderful people on this forum. My biggest challenge will be to remain monogamous in the meantime. It's killing me inside! :eek:
 
Erin, you have taken a very important step to your freedom. I like what someone said about him being controlling. I shared your story with my wife and first she thanked me for not being that way when she was discovered cheating.

We both feel that you should not cheat on him. That will just add more fuel to the fire. Also, the other guy you are with, who is asking you to leave your current husband, sounds controlling, as well. Plus that doesn't help you with being bisexual.

I think you should search for counselor on your own. If you start to go the counselor, it could help you sort this out. Plus once he sees that you are going, he may feel guilty and want to go.

My wife brought up a good point. She is wondering if your husband has another woman on the side, based off what he said in your discussion and you saying he was up and down with his moods. You might want to check into that.

Lastly, look at Illinois laws about divorce. Being from Illinois ourselves, we know they have an infidelity clause for divorces. Just something to think about.

Good luck. We will be thinking of you.

Kelvin and Jacqueline
 
Hmm... I'm scared of being unfaithful and then getting caught. He'd throw everything on the lawn. I used to think he had cheated as I am never able to really know the locations of his side jobs in construction. I doubt he is at the moment. He's always home, but definitely clears his internet history. I find it so odd that a grown man never asks for sex. Isn't that weird?

I know he is controlling-- mind controlling. When I call him out on it, he blames me, saying that I'm too sensitive. I'm more mindful of it now, more than ever, and it causes fights and tension.

The more I talk about the details, the more I realize I need to get out before it really turns ugly. The man I'm pursuing won't talk to me now. He insists I discover who I want to be before he lets me into his heart again. I don't think he's controlling. I think he doesn't want to be the rebound to spoil what could be a really good thing.
 
It sounds like your husband is manipulating you, Erin. Silence and then supper? No way! It's passive aggressive, if you ask me. He knows that he is confusing you, and is using it against you, I think. Don't buy into it.

Don't let him take your integrity by cheating or running off to other men. It sounds like saving money and thinking of a future without him in it is your best bet right now, so that you can feel confident and have a strong feeling of self worth, if/when it goes to shit entirely.

Keep strong and pleasant while you plan your escape, if it has come to that. Pack a few things, make a list of what you will take, save some money. Do things for yourself, not for anyone else, including cheating as a form of being rescued by another man. You are your best primary, so treat yourself that way.
 
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