Thanks, everyone, for your responses. Unfortunately for now, I'm doing all the posting, as S and D have not done so for weeks now, although S checks in regularly on my posts. I'm active on this thread because, as I said, the matter of the long-term discussion in our situation was put on hold. Yet I needed to put my thoughts out on it somehow: hence the solo posting.
This thread has sparked some tension between us, because when D read it, she said she was hurt by discussions. We planned to talk about it today, but she does not want to. I asked her to read more on polyamory to help her deal with situation, as I have done, but she sees no point in it.
Neonkaos, yes, I suppose S was hoping I would come around after all of us put effort into making it work. S was hoping that too, because he loves D. She will be happy with S until such a time when she decides to move on to a partner who will provide the marriage and kids. I would have been comfortable if S were clear right from the start, and if D were okay with it.
Mags, everything you just said I was also wondering. However, I assumed from the tone of the OP's posts that she and her husband had already considered all that and decided not to proceed along those lines.
True. We did not want to go down the polygamous route. S had the idea that polyamory was a better way of life, because it entailed sharing, and was more fulfilling than polygamy, where there would be separate homes, with the man dividing his time between the homes. Please note that S is not Ugandan and therefore does not subscribe to polygamy.
Magdlyn:
My take is that it's common for a man to have two wives, yet this guy cheated on his wife and told the gf he'd divorce the wife and marry gf and give her babies. Why, when its acceptable and legal for him to just add a wife, you know?
Polygamy is widely practised (openly and hidden), but we both did not want to have this kind of life. Also, S did not promise to divorce, but because he mentioned marriage without explaining polyamory, D assumed our marriage would end in any case after I found out about the affair. Instead, we resolved to work on the marriage, and one way was to deal with the reason why it happened in the first place, i.e., S loving the both of us. That is why we decided to try polyamory out.
Since S cheated for 9 months, and also has his eyes on a couple other women, I'd proceed with greatest caution. This all sounds a bit sketchy to me. Might just be a case of testosterone overload, and the wimminfolk just have to pick up the pieces.
No testosterone overload, but since after the affair, he has been more open about us interacting with other women and sharing this together. I just thought that we needed to be open about this to D, and as such, define our polyamorous life along these lines (no long-term ties).
Now he is dealing with two women and proving to be unable to get a grasp on how to manage to make promises to one and stay true to the other.
.......
I think he needs a whole lot of patience. The women need firmly asserted boundaries from his women... They need to know what his boundaries are too. Where are his boundaries? I would be very uncomfortable not knowing...
Indeed. He is new to this and learning on the job, so to speak. I hope he will post soon and give you more insight on his POV, but I realised that half the time, he is busy trying to make either one of us happy, albeit at the expense of his own needs. Sometimes, I get the sense that because he started this, he will shoulder the lion's share of the burden. That open talk between us still eludes... Red flag? Let's see.
