Showing affection in front of other partners

SomeGeezer, think of it this way. It's like watching straight porn. Millions of men watch porn. They see a man and a woman fuck, and even though they see a naked man, they aren`t watching HIM. A man being in the porno doesn`t mean the guy watching is attracted to or sexual with other males. They are focused on the ACT, and the pleasure the WOMAN receives.

Ditto a MMF featuring 2 straight males. They sure aren`t interested in each other. The woman is the focus.

Hope that clarifies.
 
SourGirl said:
Millions of men watch porn. They see a man and a woman fuck, and even though they see a naked man, they aren`t watching HIM. The man being in the porno, doesn`t mean the guy watching is attracted or sexual with other males. They are focused on the ACT, and the pleasure the WOMAN receives. Ditto a MMF featuring 2 straight males. They sure aren`t interested in each other. The woman is the focus.
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Yes. Which is why I would not exactly mind if they wanted me there to watch. But I would not join in, just as I would never film my own porn. Even then, I'd just prefer not to watch either porn or other people fucking. I'm not saying nobody should do it. I just don't want to. It's not for me. I wasn't confused about anything, just saying it isn't something I would be interested in, and wondering who else feels the same way. Who else would leave them to it, who would stay in the same bed, or even, who would join in?
 
Somegeezer said:
In the privacy of your own home, when 2 are doing their thing in the bedroom, would most people sleep on the sofa or the spare room instead?
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That's a good question... I don't really know. If I'm in the mood I'd probably want to join or do it with someone else (in the event of 4+ people being there). Otherwise I'd want to be alone. But to be fair, my ideal house configuration would have a bedroom for each person, and this way anyone can just go to theirs if they want some alone time. And I assume A and B wouldn't decide to go at it in C's bed. They'd use one of their own.
 
Somegeezer said:
Yes. Which is why I would not exactly mind if they wanted me there to watch. But I would not join in, just as I would never film my own porn. Even then, I'd just prefer not to watch either porn or other people fucking. I'm not saying nobody should do it. I just don't want to. It's not for me. =]
So I wasn't confused about anything. Just saying it isn't something I would be interested in and wondering who else feels the same way. Who else would leave them to it, or who would stay in the same bed, or even, who would join in?
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Ahh... ok. That makes sense.

You most certainly don't have to change your mind, nor was that my intent.

Your sentence about BEING sexual with the other man is what confused me, especially with the remarks about 'I can enjoy looking at another man,' etc. It read to me like you assumed 2 men on the same bed automatically meant bi action between the two. Which I now understand isn`t the case in a 'general' POV, just your POV. So now I`m not confused over your non-confusion. ;)

*** back to topic ***

I find it interesting too, the differences between us all. I am not afraid of intimacy, but the idea of cuddle parties or cuddle piles makes me want to jet from the room. I am finding I like to keep my intimacies separate.

When I want to snuggle with my husband, I want to snuggle him alone. When I want to snuggle with my boyfriend, I snuggle him alone. Snuggling both is not up my alley, at all.
 
Tonberry said:
That's a good question... I don't really know. If I'm in the mood, I'd probably want to join or do it with someone else (in the event of 4+ people being there). Otherwise I'd want to be alone. But my ideal house configuration would have a bedroom for each person, and this way anyone can just go to theirs if they want some alone time. And I assume A and B wouldn't decide to go at it in C's bed. They'd use one of their own.
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See, my house on has 2 bedrooms. Plus, I'd most likely end up renting the 2nd room out once everyone already here moves out and it becomes my house.
Though I suppose with other partners living there, I'd have no need to rent it. Still, only 2 bedrooms between 3 or more people. At least 2 would have to share a bedroom at one time. I couldn't imagine a separate bedroom for every individual. That would be an expensive house.

But I do understand. If you're being left out, you'd rather be completely out of the way. Which is how I feel about it too.

SourGirl said:
Your sentence about BEING sexual with the other man is what confused me. Especially with the remarks about 'I can enjoy looking at another man' etc.
It read to me, like you assumed 2 men on the same bed automatically meant bi action between the two. Which I now understand isn`t the case in a 'general' pov, just your pov. So now I'm not confused over your non-confusion.


I find it interesting, too, the differences between us all. I am not afraid of intimacy, but the idea of cuddle parties, or cuddle piles makes me want to jet from the room. I am finding I like to keep my intimacies separate.

When I want to snuggle with my husband, I want to snuggle him alone. When I want to snuggle with my boyfriend, I snuggle him alone. Snuggling both is not up my alley at all.
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Sorry for confusing you. I have a habit of doing that. I don't always choose the best words to get out what I'm trying to say.

Why does the idea of a cuddle pile make you want to "jet from the room"? I could understand not wanting to participate, but that sounds like a serious phobia or something. Are your husband and boyfriend separate from each other too? Do they also enjoy they get you alone from each other when snuggling? Have you ever snuggled one in front of the other? What was the other's reaction if so?
 
I don't snuggle PN or Mono in front of the other. I will snuggle them both if we are watching a movie or something, but that came in time, with built-up comfort.

For me, it's about respect. I cuddle Mono far more than PN, but we keep it private. Then, we are always on top of one another in a body pile. PN is an intermittent cuddler, so when we are together I like to keep space for hugs and kisses, gropes, but nothing prolonged. Neither man is concerned about the closeness with my other, though, they like to see that I am actively loved and enjoy seeing me being affectionate with the other. It just works better to have space. Mostly, I think, because *I* need it, not because of anything to do with them.

I have two partners and a child in my house. That is a whole lot of physical hands on attention. Plus I have a very touchy feely job. Most of the time I go to them, unless they specifically ask me because I am touched out.

When my gf Derby is with me, I am physically closer to her. That just seems fair, as we don't get alone time often, so we make up for touch time when the others are around.
 
Somegeezer said:
Why does the idea of a cuddle pile make you want to "jet from the room"?
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I'm similar to Sourgirl in this. There is just too much energy and physical intimacy in this for me. I can watch porn, strangers fucking, but I don't even want to see that kind of intimacy amongst my friends. I don't like that type of energy from anyone, except for Redpepper touching me. Maybe we're just weird. ;)
 
SourGirl said:
SomeGeezer, think of it this way.

It's like watching straight porn. Millions of men watch porn. They see a man and a woman fuck, and even though they see a naked man, they aren`t watching HIM. A man being in the porno doesn't mean the guy watching is attracted to or sexual with other males. They are focused on the ACT, and the pleasure the WOMAN receives. Ditto a MMF featuring 2 straight males. They sure aren`t interested in each other. The woman is the focus.
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That makes so much sense, SG. Can't wait to ask the guys about this and see what they have to say. Not to convince them, mind you, just to challenge them!
 
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Somegeezer said:
my house only has 2 bedrooms. Plus, I'd most likely end up renting the 2nd room out once everyone already here moves oot. I suppose with other partners living there, I'd have no need to rent it. Still, only 2 bedrooms between 3 or more people. At least 2 would have to share a bedroom at one time. I couldn't imagine a separate bedroom for every individual. Expensive house, that would be.

But I do understand. If you're being left out, you'd rather be completely out of the way, which is how I feel about it too.
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Well, it's a few things. One is practicality: right now it's just the V, with me at the hinge, but they're both poly. So, what if they both have another girlfriend and we all live together? Already that's five people. Who sleeps with whom? It would really depend on who feels like spending time with whom, right? And then, if their girlfriends also have someone else, boyfriend or girlfriend, whether that person lives with us too, or comes over, they'd want some privacy, as well.

In a mono relationship, one bed is fine, I guess, because there is only one possible sleeping configuration (or if you occasionally sleep separately usually one will use the couch). More people means more configuration.

Imagine my husband were dating. I wouldn't want his girlfriend's first night over to be sharing a bed not only with her boyfriend, but his wife and her boyfriend. Talk about awkward!

Then you have the privacy thing. I like the idea of everyone having their own space they can retreat to. It doesn't have to be just a bedroom; it can be each person's office that has a place in it where you can sleep, for instance.

And finally, while the sister-wife model works when only one person is poly (they sleep in a different bed, depending on who they feel like being with, or depending on a schedule-- each mono person has their own bedroom, the poly person has no bedroom) that doesn't work as well when everyone is poly. Imagine both my guys have a bedroom and I have none, going from one room to the next. What happens when they both have a girlfriend over, and want some private time? I'd have absolutely nowhere to go to!

I don't think it's necessarily an expensive house if the sleeping areas aren't too huge. And I like the idea of having my own space, anyway, be it for sleeping alone, if I need to, or for working, or just relaxing, knowing nobody will come and bother me.
 
Somegeezer said:
Why does the idea of a cuddle pile make you want to "jet from the room"? I could understand not wanting to participate, but that sounds like a serious phobia or something.
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Count me as another weird one. Cuddling with non-intimates makes me wanna gag. Its not a phobia, its just very intimate. I find cuddling a more intimate act then sex. I can cuddle with "some" of my friends. As in 2. But one is an ex of mine, and one is the closest female friend I have ever had, without sexual intimacy.

As the bf in this discussion, I wouldn't say what we have done is cuddling, but we don't have problems with PDA when in our midst. But in "cuddle" situations, we havent doubled her up, as it were. Our cuddling is separate, although it could be in the same room, I suppose.

SG's explanation of why a threesome would work with two guys best explains it. Having two guys there would be no different than using sex toys. It would be the guys trying to please and satisfy the woman. I imagine it could be a bonding experience for the men, but I haven't actually done a MMF yet.
 
I'm not into cuddle piles with strangers, either. I like cuddling only with people I'm intimate with (that is, partners). I can imagine being willing to cuddle with a female I'm very very close to, but I can't imagine that happening too often.

I agree that cuddling is the more intimate act. Sex has the option of being mechanical, loveless, without that much contact. Cuddling, not so much. By definition it's tender, deliberate, affectionate, slow, and there is a lot of contact.

Cuddling is an act that makes you vulnerable in front of other people, and I would need to really trust anyone I'm cuddling with. I think cuddle piles are a cool concept, and much better than a fighting pile or whatever, but they don't sound much like my thing. I think I'll stick to hugs and handshakes.
 
A lot of interesting responses here. I'm not sure where to begin replying.

I now understand having different rooms for everyone. If the other two were poly and had someone over, you'd not have anywhere but maybe the sofa to sleep. (Thankfully, my sofa is rather comfortable!) But I think if they did have someone else, I'd rather they went to this other partner's house, instead of trying to cram into my tiny one. Not because I wouldn't want them there having their fun, but it isn't fair to have so many people in a small house. Someone would miss out on some sleep, possibly. Though if there were more people living together, all their funds could actually manage to get a bigger house together.

Everyone seems to have their own comfort level with cuddling, which isn't a surprise. Very interesting to read how everyone feels about that, though.
 
I was thinking "whom to reply to," as well!

I cuddle with Maca, GG or my kids. That's the limit. I don't like to cuddle with people I'm not intimate with. On the other hand, I also don't get intimate with people I'm not in long-term relationships with, as a rule of thumb, either. Just not my gig.

At the same time, to me, cuddling up to go to sleep is a comforting activity, like I would do with a sick child.

However, sex is play. Loving play, yes, but still play.

So, while I know that the guys have the "OMG, will he be touching me?" issue in cuddling up to go to sleep, and they don't have to worry about that during a threesome, because everyone is awake and that simply isn't going to happen, I wish we could cuddle, because that, to me, is a more romantic and loving sharing of me than sex is.
 
Lots of members of my community here cuddle each other or give massages and affection, especially when a person is hurting. I find it to be really admirable and loving of people. I just can't give in that way. I can listen and discuss and write on here to support, but I can't touch like that. I do that with some clients, but it is contrived and forced. I am good at that with them, but they usually go to others for that kind of thing, because I'm sure they can feel my energy isn't in it.

I'm not sure I get the benefit of cuddling strangers or semi-close friends... I guess it would be a matter of getting closeness when normally you might not. That makes sense to me.
 
I would love a big cuddle pile with my guys! We have a sectional couch and have, on occasion, watched movies with me in the middle, with my head on someone's lap and someone else gets my feet. I try to switch it up so no one gets stuck with my feet all the time. :p

I've been reading the "5 Love Languages" and I took an online quiz associated with it. Physical touch was the highest "expression of love" for me. I love hugs and holding hands. It's reassuring and comforting for me to be able to touch my guys, even if it's just toes touching under the table.

I do find that my boyfriend is a bit more cuddly than my husband. I think that's just a difference in personality between the two of them. Both are affectionate, in their own special ways. :love:
 
booklady78 said:
I would love a big cuddle pile with my guys! We have a sectional couch and have, on occasion, watched movies with me in the middle, with my head on someone's lap and someone else gets my feet. I try to switch it up so no one gets stuck with my feet all the time.

I've been reading the "5 Love Languages" and I took an online quiz associated with it. Physical touch was the highest "expression of love" for me. I love hugs and holding hands. It's reassuring and comforting for me to be able to touch my guys, even if it's just toes touching under the table.

I do find that my boyfriend is a bit more cuddly than my husband, I think that's just a difference in personality between the two of them. Both are affectionate, in their own special ways.
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That sounds sweet, a relationship I could be happy with, myself.
 
This thread is what made me sign up and pop a post in the introductions section, and now here. :)

I actually find that I am feeling better about things if my husband and his girlfriend (well, I should really call her 'our' girlfriend, I suppose), cuddle up together on the couch or the bed.

I had a brief encounter with another girl when I was in college (I suppose most people do something they would normally never do), and it never went beyond kissing, but I do not consider myself a lesbian because of it. Perhaps bi-curious would be a better term.

I actually really enjoy the intimacy of the cuddle pile of the three of us, and just being with my husband and our girlfriend.

I have no problem with them displaying affection for each other in front of me-- kissing, cuddling, etc. I am actually pleased to see them happy.

Yes, I do have a little stab of-- hmm... I don't know if jealousy is the word I am looking for... I probably feel a bit left out. And when I see them playing together outside, or inside, just roughhousing and romping around, nothing sexual, just fun stuff, I get sad because I cannot do this, due to my health condition. I want nothing more than to be healthy again, and be able to do all the things I so dearly want to do, but my stupid body doesn't want to play that game.

I do have to say that my husband is not the best kisser in the world. Don't get me wrong, he does kiss nicely, but I would like some long, slow, tender kisses from time to time.

I find I enjoy just the touching and cuddling more than anything else, as most other things cause me a great deal of pain, which in turn, takes the enjoyment out of it.

I do love it when my husband sits between me and our friend on the couch and we can both cuddle up to him, and she plays with my hair.
 
Are sectional L-shaped couches poly couches or something? :p We have one too. I love it. I love feeling like we are all together, even if someone is at the other end. I sit smack in the middle with PN on the left and Mono on the right, usually with my feet on PN and Mono snugged up to my shoulder. Sometimes PN sprawls out more, but he likes to sit upright. He isn't as much of a cuddler, so it suits me fine to just be touching him.
 
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