Coming out

Poly lifestyle within a monogamous world

I'm just curious how many of you communicate about your lifestyle with your mono friends and how you incorporated your partners into your circle of friends?

Have you had instances of being judged, criticised, shunned, general acceptance?

Do you keep it from your friends? From family?

I guess I'm just looking for general experiences. Thank you all.
 
julanders said:
I'm just curious how many of you communicate about your lifestyle with your mono friends and how you incorporated your partners into your circle of friends/family.
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The worst reaction I had was from a former friend who is in an open relationship with her spouse. Apparently it's okay for them to screw other people, but when we got feelings involved, well that was just "unfair" to Indigo and he didn't even realize he was being "used."

My immediate family knows. Indigo's does not. Mr. A's does not, and won't for the foreseeable future. Friends know as needed. A few of my coworkers know. Most reactions have been positive to indifferent. Lots of "I couldn't do that, but if it makes you happy, then that's all that matters."

Mr. A was grilled by his coworkers, but it was in a "concerned for his well-being" sort of way. Once they had more info on how things worked, they backed off and were supportive.

I don't really have to choose partners when going out with friends, as Mr. A's job is so demanding that he often doesn't have the time/energy.

I think we've got it easy, compared to some situations I've read about here. We're all happy with our roles in each other's lives and are getting our needs met. :)
 
julanders said:
How many of you communicate about your lifestyle with your mono friends and how have you incorporated your partners into your circle of family/friends?
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Our family has been accepting of our being poly. We have only had one friend who could not handle it. She SAID she could... because... of all things... her brother was gay. :rolleyes: Whatever. Then, when we opened up on Facebook. She was one of our friends on there. She got upset, and thought we were possibly damaging our children by being so open with our 13 y/o and our 19 y/o. :rolleyes: Again... whatever!

When L told her mom, her mom told her, that they (her parents) were in a similar relationship when she (my wife) was younger. :eek:

My mom had no problems with it. Neither have any of our other friends. Just the one.

I have told several co-workers. Why? Because I don't want V to come to the shop, and be kissing me, then they feel like they have to keep quiet around my wife. LOL So, I let them know that V is our girlfriend, and my wife knows about her, and she knows about my wife, and that we are ALL, in fact, seeing each other! :eek: The guys all ask: "WOW! How did you get your wife to go for that, and how can I get in on the action????" And the women all ask: "And your wife is ok with this? Sounds pretty cool to me and it looks like it works. You've really been married for 20 years?"

So yeah, the men generally want to know how they can hook up with my wife, since we must be "swingers"... while the women want to know more about how it works. ;)
 
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Our friends have been completely amazing, very supportive and accepting of our partners. Our families have ranged in reaction from indifference to hostility. I find that the best advice in coming out is to be prepared to answer questions and address genuine concerns. But unless you're very confident and comfortable, it's not worth getting into a debate over. I've repeated some of the same answers to the same questions over and over again with some people. They "just can't believe" what I tell them. It's like they have to "win" the discussion somehow, and need me to admit, "Oh, you're right, I do love my husband MORE than my boyfriend," which is totally untrue.

One more piece of advice: those that do support you in coming out are an invaluable part of the process. I don't think we could have done it without them. <3
 
booklady78 said:
Our friends have been completely amazing, very supportive and accepting of our partners. Our families have ranged in reaction from indifference to hostility. I find that the best advice in coming out is to be prepared to answer questions and address genuine concerns, but unless you're very confident and comfortable, it's not worth getting into a debate over. I've repeated some of the same answers to the same questions over and over again with some people. They "Just can't believe" what I tell them. It's like they have to "win" the discussion somehow, and need me to admit, "Oh, you're right, I do love my husband MORE than my boyfriend," which is totally untrue. One more piece of advice: those that do support you in coming out are an invaluable part of the process. I don't think we could have done it without them <3
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This is the best coming out post I have seen! There are some really good thoughts and advice in here. Thanks, booklady, you put words to my thoughts and I am grateful for that. The only thing I would add is to be empathetic to those you come out to, and patient.
 
I have similar worries, mostly about people at work (since most of my friends and family know and are ok with it). My work issue involves both wanting to celebrate both of my wonderful boyfriends publicly (they know about my first bf, but not the one I started dating a few months ago) and not wanting to have to spend hours explaining the social, psychological and sexual structure of polyamory to confused, judgmental, lifelong monogamists.
 
TruckerPete said:
I think we've got it easy, compared to some situations I've read about here. We're all happy with our roles in each other's lives and are getting our needs met. :)
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Says YOU, Wife. You've got a new role. As the wife, please refer to this: http://www.j-walk.com/other/goodwife/index.htm for the job description. :p I kid, love.

TP is right about the mixed reactions. The worst I had was when a closer-than-close friend reacted badly. She went off about the sanctity of marriage, and what would we tell the as-yet-unconceived (or ill-conceived) children? Etc., etc. She calmed down in a day or so and went the "Whatever makes you happy" route.

booklady78 said:
I find that the best advice in coming out is to be prepared to answer questions and address genuine concerns, but unless you're very confident and comfortable, it's not worth getting into a debate over.
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I guess this is what I feel. I am not comfortable with the eventuality of having my family blow up. It's a response that isn't likely, but I really don't know. I have no issue with having friends blow up, but my family and I are close and I am petrified of their response, and possible rejection, because, at its heart, a bad response is a rejection of the life I lead.
 
Indigomontoya said:
I have no issue with having friends blow up, but my family and I are close and I am petrified of their response, and possible rejection, because at its heart, a bad response is a rejection of the life I lead.
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What if they reject the life you lead? Will they take their love away? I don't know you or them, but I doubt that. I read in your blog also how wrapped up in your fears you are now. This is something I am going through now, as well, trying to separate my feelings from what I need to do to take care of me. I mean, it's okay to be afraid. The hard part is not letting the fear dictate what you do, but rather allowing yourself to feel it, observe it, and then take a step back (somehow) and take care of your needs without getting swept away by the fear or whatever other emotions petrify you.

Good word, petrify. I was just telling my shrink how rejection is such a strong trigger that immobilizes me and makes me feel unable to function, or at least function well. He said I need to develop structure in my life that will make me stronger in myself, so that the acceptance or rejection of others does not have such a profound effect on me. (I tend to feel crushed and as if I am doomed when I sense rejection from people I care about.) He said that this structure I need (and I don't know what it is you need, but just sharing) will give me a foundation, so that when rejection or disappointment happens, it only "rattles the windows a little," rather than makes me feel like my world is crashing down. I like the phrase he used, because it's not like I have to be so strong that I don't feel the rejection at all, but I can handle the windows rattling.

Edit: I am not saying you should tell them or do anything differently, just to be clear. But I think there is value in examining the fear and finding a way to bump up against it without letting it knock you over. Then, decisions you make will be your own. You may very well choose not to come out to family, and be perfectly satisfied with that choice, but I think it won't be very satisfying if the decision is fear-based.

HTH
 
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I think we are currently operating under a "don't ask don't tell" policy with our families, both about our relationships and our religion. My siblings, husband, and father outed me as bisexual to my mom last Christmas Eve and the response was, "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." As for our friends, most everyone knows we have an "open marriage," but only a couple know who we're in a relationship with. And it's so much easier to just leave it at that most of the time. Although I really wish that my husband hadn't taken our request not to out us early on in the relationship, as don't talk about this to anyone or give yourself a place to vent your frustrations when you have them. I love that he's respected that request, but wish that he had someone outside the relationship to talk to when his bi-polar triggers negative feelings.
 
I'm trying hard to be thankful for the wonderful Christmas Eve I had with my husband, his girlfriend, and my boyfriend. It's hard though, accepting that my father has been ignoring me for a couple of months now. He's cut me out entirely. He refuses to have any discussions and has ignored letters I've sent.
Coming out to everyone else has been manageable, but not him. I don't even get the opportunity to find out what the hell he's so concerned about because he says the topic isn't open for discussion. I'm refusing to carry on as if nothing is wrong and omit the mere mention of people I care about. I'm not ashamed and I was getting tired of hiding it from him after I told him.

I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait for him to come around. I don't know how much harder I'm supposed to try.
 
booklady78 said:
I'm trying hard to be thankful for the wonderful Christmas Eve I had with my husband, his girlfriend, and my boyfriend. It's hard though, accepting that my father has been ignoring me for a couple of months now. He's cut me out entirely. He refuses to have any discussions and has ignored letters I've sent.
Coming out to everyone else has been manageable, but not him. I don't even get the opportunity to find out what the hell he's so concerned about because he says the topic isn't open for discussion. I'm refusing to carry on as if nothing is wrong and omit the mere mention of people I care about. I'm not ashamed and I was getting tired of hiding it from him after I told him.

I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait for him to come around. I don't know how much harder I'm supposed to try.
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Oh BL, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'd be heartbroken if that happened. (((HUG)))
 
Booklady, I feel for you. It's tough, isn't it? I remember what it was like to not have my family talking with me. It was hard to know if I should ignore it and just be myself and carry on, business as usual, which would be hard, or suck it up and pretend like nothing is going on and hide it from them again, to protect them. I did the latter to begin with, and it go so hard lying again, and I felt like an idiot because they already knew, so why lie? I ended up just carrying on and being honest and myself. This was what turned them around, as much as their decision to accept.
 
Thanks, TruckerPete and Redpepper. :)

I had no idea where this journey was going to take me. This is a hard path right now, but I can get through it. Knowing that I'm not the first person to deal with difficult family gives me hope that they are going to come around.
 
booklady78 said:
I had no idea where this journey was going to take me, this is a hard path right now but I can get through it. Knowing that I'm not the first person to deal with difficult family gives me hope that they are going to come around.
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PM me if there's anything I can do. I'm a good listener. :)
 
We've recently come out to some family, mostly because we now have somewhat a successful triad going. Personally I don't care what they think. They can either accept it and still have me communicate to them, or not, and it stops. I'm rather independent from my family due to moving away from them all to another state, basically starting out anew with my own family.

Of course, to MY family, having two women in my life isn't exactly that negative a thing, and they just generally accept it like "Oh haha you're a Mormon now." My first girlfriend has more issues to contend with, because her family generally think I'm weird, and she's a woman being controlled if there's another woman in our relationship. However, if your family still thinks you're going to be supported, give them grandchildren/cousins/etc., then what do they really have to be upset about?

Triads/quads will be part of the standards in regards to relationships in the future, in my mind. Most people already seem to accept it on some level.
 
I've been "out" as gay to most of my family for approx 15 years. For the past two and a half, everyone has known me to be in a couple with M. Only our gay friends knew we were a triad, plus a few poly people we met locally here and there. Our gay friends have reacted mostly supportively, though there are a few who seem bitter, with that whole, "I can't even get ONE man, let alone two!!" thing. ;)

When C moved in, it was the "couple with best friend living in" thing to my family. (Though M told his family pretty early...brave boy!) I'll tell you from experience, the couple-plus-best-friend-roomie won't last long... People will begin to figure it out.

Boom... Christmas Day... Mom goes, "So what is really going on? This isn't some kinky Mormon thing you've got going, is it?!?"
:eek: :eek: :eek:

My appetite for Christmas dinner has never been so low. I just had to stress the word LOVE over and over, try to get her mind away from sex or anything like that. "It's about love, Mom. That's all you need to know."

Sigh...

Haven't had another discussion about it yet, but it was only five days ago, so we'll see.
 
We really aren't "out" with it all. We don't hide it, but don't tell, either. I personally don't care what people think, but realize at this point it's best for the kids' sake. They know my bf is and his kid are around. But I HS my kids, and well... around here, the last thing we need is someone starting something and it affecting the kids and our schooling choices, etc. I think sometimes when kids are involved it makes it a lil trickier.

Our relationship, while new now, isn't really so new. We are in our 30s, but hubs and bf have known each other since kindergarten, and I have known them both since we were 14. And well, we also had a small taste of this lifestyle when we were younger. So seeing us three together...well, it's like when we were younger, in a way. I think it's sad we can't just be who we are outside the house, because of other people's views and prejudices, because you never know what kinda crap they will bring down on you.
 
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