Coming out

My biggest problem at this point is NOT telling people. I'm dying to tell people that my husband and I are in love with our girlfriend! :)

The thing with my son, he's 15 and at this point I would give him the choice of where he wanted to be. I think he would get over it pretty quick and love her to death, as I know she will him. I guess that part is something I'll have to deal with as it comes.

I really wonder how my friends are going to react when I tell them that "we" as a couple have a woman that we both love and want in our family.

I'm seriously about to test it out on someone just to see how it unfolds!! Maybe a online friend, to start... lol
 
Each state is different in how it could be handled. Within a state, such an issue might depend on which judge you get. However, for a 15 year old, I think it would be less of an issue than if the child were younger (and considered more impressionable). If you have a good relationship with your ex (he won't try to dick you over), then you will probably be ok.

When you tell someone, let the excitement come through and I think people will not react too negatively. They may be concerned and try to give you some advice. But you can counter with stuff like "living life to the fullest" or "taking the path less traveled" or "We are all happy, so what's the problem?"

Let us know how it goes when you tell someone. I am curious to see what reactions you get.
 
One bit of advice-- hold off on telling anyone until things settle. There are way too many stories of people rushing into things during the euphoric age of relationships, which results in complete implosion. Be patient, let the foundation of your relationship solidify. This will cause ripples, so make sure it is strong enough to ride them out. :)
 
I would encourage telling an online friend first, to help build up that courage :) and hopefully they'll be supportive. Telling strangers is usually the easy part (hence you telling us ;) ). But if it's really serious and you see her in your lives forever (like moving-in serious) I'd highly suggest the first "real" person you tell be your son. That way when you tell friends and family, and they all ask the inevitable "What does your son think?" or "How will this affect him?" questions, you can answer completely and honestly. And I'm sure he'll support you anyway. :)

Just a tad bit more advice-- coworkers are last on the totem pole to know (if they need to know at all). Letting coworkers know too much about your personal life often leads to unnecessary drama... Good luck!! ^_^
 
We generally DON'T tell people. Close friends know about our relationship, but we don't advertise nor make mention of things. Family knows A2 as a 'roomate' and 'close friend.' (Well, except for my mother, who's remarkably tolerant of anything that isn't in public and doesn't scare the horses.) If A's family knows or suspects that there's more, they don't ask, and we don't volunteer.

Legally it gets trickier... another reason NOT to say anything. Having a roommate who's not related/married is more common these days than you'd think. (This rotten economy is good for something...) Without actual statements of a relationship, making a judgement solely on basic living arrangements is venturing into speculation, something MOST judges tend to avoid.

As for children, they are far more aware of things than most adults give them credit for. You're not going to be able to keep your relationship secret from your son, so don't try. (Not that I think you would.) Children also tend to be more accepting of things; if everyone's happy, that's all that really matters to them (emotionally).
 
I'm a member of a group online and have been for over 3 years. I told them all about what we're planning. Everyone was very understanding. Not one person said anything negative at all. The ones who weren't too sure about it just said, "Hey, it's your life" kind of thing. But I was asked a lot of questions, which I expected.

It felt so GOOD to say it to people that I know in RL. One of the girls I came out to is someone that lives semi-close and we've been to visit! She is totally understanding and actually excited for us. She said something so nice: "Most people are lucky if they find one person in the world to love. You guys found two. How lucky is that?" That just touched my heart.

I'm really surprised, I thought there would be some backlash, but not at all. I'm so happy!
 
mellsey said:
My boss has noticed a change in me. He says I am under a lot of stress and he is worried about me. How do I explain to him, yes there is more stress, but worth every minute of it because I am happy with what I have? He won't understand or agree with the lifestyle we have. My job won't suffer, but his view towards me could change.
Click to expand...

Honestly, I would say that it's not his business, specifically, what the details of your relationship(s) are. I know a lot of bosses try to make out "I want to know so I can help," but if you're not comfortable, even if he reacted well to it, then you don't have to share. It's your choice. If you're confident, and loud and proud about coming out as poly, then more power to you. Just remember that even though people shouldn't judge, they are usually just frightened of things which are new and strange to them and don't really mean you harm.

mellsey said:
Also, our families would not understand, but it is so hard each day not to tell them, look, this is what I have and I am happy with it. I just want to shout it from the mountaintop, but know that we would be frowned upon.
Click to expand...

Every family is different. I was blessed with a very loving, open and understanding family. I thought I would be judged harshly, especially by my mother, if I told them I was poly. I've talked to them about it, not all of them, but those I was comfortable with, one-on-one and actually sought guidance around it. Maybe it helps that I am one of the younger siblings in the family, but they have shown me nothing but love and support.

If it's really important to you to tell your family, then maybe try gently talking to the one member you are closest to first? You can always branch out or shut out depending on how you feel after you tell them.

Good luck!
 
I am not good at living a double life. I'm not going out of my way to tell people, but as it comes up, it comes up, and I'm not going to lie about it. My younger daughter (19) just had a fit when I told her a couple of hours ago. She wouldn't have been someone I would have told by choice, but she saw this forum on my computer and asked about it. I tried to distract her, but she insisted and insisted.

She went right off, tears, melodrama the lot. I find it hard to believe I have raised such conservative kids.
 
Sage, don't be disheartened. Give her some time to get used to the idea.
 
For many teenagers, it's all melodrama in their lives. (Remember Romeo and Julet?) And they're trying to develop their own identity, which for some unfortunately means finding faults with their parents. (Mark Twain: "When I was 18, I thought my father was completely uneducated. But I was amazed when I turned 21 at how much the old man had learned.")

And your daughter has learned an important lesson: sometimes you REALLY don't want to know the answer. This will serve her well later in life.
 
Thanks, guys. I was feeling disheartened. Still am really, I suppose. The irony in the situation is that she said she really, really, really values monogamy because her father and I were so bad at it while she was growing up. We both had affairs in what was a very rocky relationship. If we had been polyamorous, our marriage may have worked, and I wonder if it would have changed her point of view.

My other daughter is more accepting, but she still thinks we're "abnormal." She has also chosen a conservative Christian life.
 
Well, if she has faith in monogamy because she witnessed you struggling to keep a rocky relationship together, then maybe she will eventually accept and even embrace poly when she finds you to be happy and content in your choices. She cannot say you do not work on your relationships. There is something to be said for the journey and how you handle yourself. Perseverance, discovery, acceptance, openness and self-actualization are all things we experience in and out of relationships. Coming out about anything unorthodox isn't easy, but rest in the fact that you have the strength to do so. You are a hell of a woman! :)
 
Thanks MG. (You sent me off in tears, but in a good way.) You have been so helpful to me on this journey. I just need to get my head around the fact that it isn't always children trying to be accepted by disapproving parents. Sometimes it's the other way around, and that's OK, as well. I am trying to feel proud of myself that I'm still growing and not content to be the boring, invisible mother that I'm sure L would be much more comfortable with.
 
Sage, I am new here and don't know your relationship situation, but it's likely that your daughter sees "monogamy" as a synonym for "fidelity" or "commitment." If those are part of your lifestyle, it might be reassuring for her to hear that being polyamorous doesn't mean your love life is without stability, or that you are adding and subtracting partners on a whim. People tend to want to be able to count on their parents to keep being who they think they are. Help her understand what this really means. I've been reading this site for just a few days and it's changed a lot of what I thought I knew about love and about myself. She might have all sorts of horrifying misconceptions scaring the heck out of her. It's bound to get better for you both. Good luck.
 
Hi, thanks for your supportive advice. I really appreciate your taking the time to give my situation some thought. You are right in that she didn't realise that my partner Z doesn't just sleep around with people willy-nilly. She was cool with that after a time. I think at nineteen and in a 3 year relationship herself, she projects her emotions onto me.

It was when I tried to explain a triad relationship that she lost it. I hope I don't offend anyone when I say she screamed at me that she didn't want a "lesbo mother." I found this attitude disappointing in my own daughter as some of her best friends are lesbian and bi. She said that's fine for them, but not for me. I was initially upset, but now I see it as just another example of her wanting me to be something that I'm not. It has probably come from her father. He was very similar and it's interesting that these threads continue even after the marriage has ended.

Even though at the moment I'm pretty much on the mono side of poly, I find having polyamory in my life a great personal growth experience.
 
I was initially upset, but now I see it as just another example of her wanting me to be something that I'm not.
Click to expand...

I think teens would react this way to all sorts of things. You grow up with an image of who your parents are, and it shakes you up if that changes. It would probably be similar if she'd just learned that you wanted to spend winters in South America; or take up the accordion; or join a motorcycle club; or become a talk show host (assuming none of these fit in with your character before). I was about 19 when my mom decided to rent an apartment where she could spend time alone, and to join a New Age drumming group. I felt like she betrayed my image of who she was supposed to be, at home making dinner for Dad. But behind it all, daughters do want their moms to be happy. She'll come around.

As for the lesbian bit, no one likes to think of their parent having sex with anyone anyway! Grooossss! Again, I bet she'll come around, especially if she accepts it in her friends.
 
Yes (sigh) I agree with everything you say.

I used to encourage my own parents to get a divorce. I could see they weren't happy and I thought their marriage was pretty pointless. But I'm in the minority. I have two lovely, but conservative, daughters and so we have this very interesting dynamic, where they do the parent thing and I do the rebellion. I'm not trying to be rebellious. I'm just trying to be me.
 
Dropping the "P-Bomb"

I suppose this thread is a kin to the "Coming Out" thread; but I have searched the forum and not found what I was looking for. Now if someone out there has the magic touch with the search function and finds it, I apologize for the clutter.

My question that I am putting to the learned forum has to do with letting the person you are interested in on the fact that you are in a poly relationship. I have done this a couple times, and the reactions range from receiving hate mail, to more recently curiosity.

I want to be upfront and honest with all my interactions, so I have always framed any time I have outed myself in the context of not wanting to lead anyone on and not wanting to lie by omission. I've waffled about putting the fact that I am in a poly relationship in my POF profile because the reactions have been mixed. I want to be upfront, but not scare anyone off.

So I put it you: when's a good time to tell the person? Is it an organic benchmark in the budding relationship, or is it more static? (5 emails? 6?) How do you frame it? I'd like some advice from secondaries out there too: how did you have it framed for you? What was your reaction? What was said that helped you understand it?

IM
 
This response is about how I would want to be treated and is based on how I treated people during my short-lived online exploration.

It depends on the expectations of who you are talking to. If you are searching online, people generally include what they want in their profiles. If they are specifically looking for a deep relationship and looking to invest in you, than I would tell them right away. That way there is no big surprise two weeks down the road after a connection has formed online or in person. I would consider holding this type of information back as a passive form of deceit designed to "trap" me, because I am now emotionally involved and if I chose to walk away it would be more difficult.

I was very clear in my POF profile, "I barely want to know your name. I just want sex." Black and white. Those that contacted me understood 100% what I was looking for and I only got serious responses.

If you are completely upfront, you might not get as much activity, but those that are curious and interested will be genuine, at least in theory.

Now if someone is just looking to hook up for casual sex, then the importance of telling them becomes more a function of your expectations then theirs.

This is just how I would want to be treated, not necessarily what you should do.

Take care,
Mono
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top