I think I'm being targeted as a blue unicorn!

[MerryMuse]

Hello! This is my first post.

I apologize up front for being a little vague. In the past, I have been spied upon on forums by people I was dating, so I want to keep this pretty generic to prevent that kind of thing from happening again. I have nothing to hide, but I would like to have a place to talk about this without just anyone associating it with me. I'm sure you all understand.

OK, so here's my situation:

I have had a few poly friends over the years, but have never been involved in a poly relationship. However, the idea of participating in a threesome is intriguing to me (especially MFM, with goddess treatment), and though I have had opportunities to do that, the time and circumstances were never just right for me, so I passed. Also, though I am definitely straight, I have some curiosity about being sensual with a woman who appeals to me.

Right now, I think that I am being targeted as a "blue unicorn." (I think that is the term.) I am on only friendly terms with the couple right now, but the guy is kind of putting on a full-court press and seems to really want to get closer. Actually, they both are being super sweet and excited to spend more time with me. At this point, I feel attracted to them both. They have not really been flirty yet, but this is a brand-new friendship.

At this point, I guess I just want to know how to prepare myself for an advance, should they make one. My instincts tell me to just go with the flow and make decisions that are best for me as the moments arise.

Any other advice about how to prepare for and navigate this? Thank you!

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Ahead of the game

Hi MerryMuse,

I'm glad you found your way here before things got ahead of you.

There are a couple things I'd suggest. Start studying up now on a couple common bumps. The more knowledgeable you are before you get there, the better your chances of navigating smoothly. At least two major issues you will likely face are:

1. Jealousy
2. Being in the role (for a while) of secondary

There are endless discussions here and other polyamory sites regarding these issues. Start reading now, and thinking through how each of them might play out with you three-- personalities, lifestyles, insecurities, etc.

Practice up on your communication skills. Learn to practice non-confrontational ways of approaching 'sticky' (delicate) subjects. And practice asking for clarification on words/terms/phrases. Often we discover we aren't speaking the same language and a lot of complications arise just over misunderstanding what we all really are saying !

You have a head start. Polyamory is really not all that difficult if you have some of these foundational pieces in place. It seem the people that struggle the most are those that either went in unprepared or lacking in some of these skills. They have to deal with climbing multiple hills at the same time.

Good luck. We're all here to help any way we can.

 

[redpepper]

Sounds exciting and fun! I agree that reading up on some possible dynamics that could occur would be a good idea.. Check our Golden Nuggets section. You can do a search to see what interests you and might be helpful.

I have never heard of the term "blue unicorn." Please say more on that.

 

[Breathesgirl]

I'm not trying to be flip, just trying to clarify a little. "Blue unicorn"=more rare than the standard "unicorn"?

Go with your instincts. They are telling you to go with the flow so do so. I have learned that if I listen to what my own body/mind/gut is telling me, it will invariably be the right choice.

There are lots of knowledgeable people here, some have even been where you are, or where you hope to be some day.

 

[Jodi]

I would think about what it is that you want from the couple, such as a try at a long-term relationship, or if you are okay with sexual encounters once in a while. If I were in your shoes, I would be curious to know if the couple were interested in using me ("using me" is not such a great-sounding term) for sex, or if they wanted a relationship.

I hope that it turns out to be a special experience for all involved.

 

[MerryMuse]

Thanks for the ideas! Responses:

1. Jealousy: Like I said, I've never been in a poly situation, but I imagine one of the benefits of being the outsider/guest star is that because you're outside the relationship, you are unfettered and more likely to be free of jealousy. I would not let this involvement stop me from meeting new men and considering a potential long-term, probably monogamous relationship with someone else. I see this as something fun and pleasurable to do while I am single and not bound to anyone. I also imagine this would give me a sense of being "the other woman" without any lying or deception. I would not be the other woman in secret, but out in the open. I imagine it could be a lot of fun.

2. Secondary: I imagine I would want to be the outsider/visitor/guest star rather than "secondary." Secondary sounds like crumbs to me! But guest star sounds like fun.

3. Blue unicorn: I found this term on some blog or discussion thread, but in looking around, I see that the term is simply "unicorn," not "blue unicorn."

4. Sex vs. relationship: I imagine it as a friendship with sensual/sexual fun, if we want. I have a hard time imagining getting serious with them. I have only ever been in monogamous relationships, and if I were going to do poly, I'd probably want things open to new/different men and women. I'm too much of an alpha female to get into the "two women for one man" thing exclusively. I'd rather have two men catering to me, or at least I'd want to have the balance of both scenarios.

5. Preparing: I am totally "virgin" in this domain, so if we did decide to walk this path, I'd want to start out really slowly, like, just making out a little the first time. Then I'd want to step away from it and see how I feel. I'm sensitive, and I can't just dive into something like this. I would have to enter this slowly.

All this said, I don't even know if I want to get involved sexually with this couple. My reservation right now is that the guy strikes me as a bit of an egomaniac who uses women to puff himself up, and the woman seems kind of passive and doormat, which isn't attractive to me. But at this point, I barely know them, so maybe I'm being judgmental.

Thanks for all the good advice. I'll let you know how things develop.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

1. Jealousy: like I said, I've never been in a poly situation, but I imagine one of the benefits of being the outsider/guest star is that because you're outside the relationship, you are unfettered and more likely to be free of jealousy.

Okay, but you are looking at jealousy only from your perspective. You aren't the only one involved here. There are (at least) two others. Be prepared on all fronts. Get a good understanding of the emotion, its roots and solutions. Even if you never go far enough with this couple for it to become an issue, eventually you will have to deal with it in some other setting. Here's your chance to be the master of it now rather than have it master you in the future.

2. Secondary: I imagine I would want to be the outsider/visitor/guest star, rather than "secondary." Secondary sounds like crumbs to me, but guest star sounds like fun.

Yeah, it's a term most of us don't care for. But in a vast majority of cases, where a new person enters an existing relationship, it's pretty descriptive. There are histories, patterns, etc., that have been built over time, and you will be secondary to those patterns, for a while, at least. It doesn't seem like it will bother you now, but I'd love to hear from you three months down the road, if you chose to explore this opportunity.

When you have a date planned, and a kid gets sick, or a primary gets sick or hurt, guess what's going to happen to your date?

4. Sex vs. relationship: I imagine it as a friendship with sensual/sexual fun, if we want. I have a hard time imagining getting serious with them.

Lots of us have a hard time imagining a lot of things. But shit does happen, usually when we didn't imagine it. And when we do imagine it, often it doesn't turn up. Damn, life is strange, eh?

From your writing, it seems you picture this as primarily a sexual thing, like FWBs. Those situations can work out sometimes, but not a lot of people can keep truly good sex separate from their hearts. So it's best to be prepared. That's why cars have spare tires, right?

 

[IndieSolo]

My reservation right now is that the guy strikes me as a bit of an egomaniac who uses women to puff himself up. And the woman seems kind of passive and doormat, which isn't attractive to me. But at this point, I barely know them, so maybe I'm being judgmental.

All I have to say is: trust your intuition. Try not to let excitement overshadow common sense, if you get a feeling that something ain't right. Stay true to yourself. And keep us posted.

 

[MerryMuse]

Wow, you all are so incredibly sweet! I really appreciate how helpful and thoughtful you're all being.

GroundedSpirit, I will read about jealousy. You make an excellent point about gaining a better understanding of it in general, where it comes from and how it can be allayed.

I am still very resistant to the term "secondary", but I understand what you're saying. Having been single for a while now, I have adapted to making myself primary in my life, if that makes sense. One of the best things about being single, I'm discovering, is making my life all about me and what I want it to be, without trying to take care of anyone else's problems but my own. Of course, I am there for my friends, and am told that I help inspire them, help find solutions to their problems, and so on, and I love doing that. But my #1 imperative is to make decisions that are best for me. I will also read about the "secondary" idea and see what I can learn from it. A lot, I'm sure.

From your writing it seems you picture this as primarily a sexual thing, like FWBs. Those situations can work out sometimes, but not a lot of people can keep truly good sex separate from their heart. So it's best to be prepared. That's why cars have spare tires, right?

Again, you make a lot of sense! I have never in my life had a sex-only situation, so what makes me think I could start now? Maybe I could, but chances are high it wouldn't happen that way.

All I have to say is: trust your intuition and try not to let excitement overshadow common sense, if you get a feeling that something ain't right. Stay true to yourself. And keep us posted.

It is exciting! It's like the start of a crush, but in a totally different situation than I have ever experienced before. Many more things to think about.

Just one last question -- and maybe the best answer to this is to read up on another term. But just at my first few glances around this forum, it seems that MFF arrangements are much more common than FMM. This strikes me as unequal and unfair!

The two sets of friends I have who are poly have totally open relationships. Both the men and women are free to date and have sex with people outside the relationship. But looking around here, it seems that it's more often the case that the couple brings a woman in, or the man is free to go outside to other women, but rarely do they bring a man in, rarely is the woman free to go outside to other men. Any thoughts about that?

Thanks again for your help. You all are terrific!

 

[Laylah]

The two sets of friends I have who are poly have totally open relationships. Both the men and women are free to date and have sex with people outside the relationship. But looking around here, it seems that it's more often the case that the couple brings a woman in or the man is free to go outside to other women, but rarely do they bring a man in, rarely is the woman free to go outside to other men. Any thoughts about that?

Well, I can only speak for myself. Each family has their own dynamic they are comfortable with. I'll tell you why we are the way we are, in order to shed some light on it.

We are MFF, although as of right now there's no one else with us. Anyhow, the reason we don't have a MFM relationship is because, to me, the thought of another male being in the family is very very uncomfortable, and therefore will never happen. My hubby doesn't want a set-up like that either.

When I first met my hubby, it was like we'd known each other for years. My heart was taken at first sight, as was his. He is my best friend, my lover, the other side of me. If he hurts, I can actually feel it. If he's happy, I can feel that too. There is no other man for me except him.

He accepts me as I am, and that's rare these days. Likewise, I accept him for who he is, and don't try to change him. He accepted me when I told him I was bisexual. He accepts and wants a poly family, which is really rare.

So I suppose, while I can love another woman, as can he, I can never never love another man, because that's not where my heart is. Also, if we ever find another woman to join our family, and I loved her as I love my husband, I wouldn't look for another woman either, because I would see no need for it.

 

[redpepper]

Wow, that is very firm, Laylah. I get that, as I have thought that before, too. I identified as a lesbian for 10 years, and swore up and down that no cock would enter me, ever again. Ha! Am I ever eating my words!

It was true for who I was at the time. But now I realize that life is fluid, and so I just go with it. I make firm decisions in the moment, as I do with my boundaries in my relationships. It makes me be able to trust and have integrity, but I also keep in mind that things change as I learn and grow. I leave room for that more now.

It's great you have some boundaries. I only mention this as a consideration that they not become hard and fast rules for the rest of your life. Just a thought.