FNG with questions

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dingedheart

Well-known member
Hello, I'm just another FNG with roughly 1000 questions. Back story is married 15 yrs, 2 kids, house, dog, etc. About 7-8 months ago I was reluctantly pushed into this lifestyle. It seems I was sold one thing and I really haven't realized the benefits yet. Like I said, I have lots of questions.

1. About how long down this path will I see something positive for me and the rest of the family?
2. Have you seen situations where someone really likes aspects of their life, and instead of ending a relationship and starting over, which may be hard, they use poly as a way to transition to something else? I not sure I trust what I'm being told. At the very least, her actions are somewhat disconnected from her words.

Well, 997 to go. Thanks for giving us a place to at least organize our thoughts, let alone draw from each other's experiences.
 
dingedheart said:
Hello, I'm just another FNG.... Back story is married 15 yrs 2 kids, house, dog, etc. I was reluctantly pushed into this lifestyle. I was sold one thing and I haven't realized the benefits yet. 1. About how long down this path will I see something positive for me and the rest of the family? 2. Have you seen situations where someone really likes aspects of their life, and instead of ending a relationship and starting over, which may be hard, they use poly as a way to transition to something else? I not sure I trust what I'm being told. At the very leastn her actions are somewhat disconnected from her words.
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Hi, dinged. I can only say that there are benefits. My situation at the beginning was much like yours. Not knowing much about your situation, it is hard to comment in a vacuum about what your wife is thinking/doing. Are you able to talk much without arguing? That's the way forward. This has all happened for a reason. But she is still with you for a reason too. I would not assume that she has not left you, because that would be more difficult. This is harder.
 
My wife says she didn't want things to change. It was more of an addition. However, our dates, sex, plain time spent together, feel like it's out of fairness and or obligation. Not the type of thing that brings people together. Trust me, I have plenty of friends and activities to keep me more than busy. Don't do me any favors by spending time with me.

It's a lot of little things. I've told her it's like death by a thousand paper cuts. The first fifty you can handle. It's the last hundred that kill you.

I'm not just new to this forum, but to forums in general. I pay people to do things on computers. But because of the private nature of this, it's back to school. This could be the first benefit, me being able to use these machines better.
 
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Hi dinged,

Sorry for your troubles. Welcome to the forum.

Like vodkafan, I also believe there are plenty of benefits to polyamory, enough to have agreed to make the transition from traditional monogamy. But it certainly is not for everyone, not by a long shot. The only person who can decide for you is YOU.

Not knowing any more about your situation, I can only offer some generalizations that I have found to be true. So, in no particular order:
  • When a person's actions do not agree with his/her words, trust what s/he DOES. Words can be just so much hot air; actions reveal the heart.
  • Polyamory is a lot of hard work for everyone involved.
  • If a polyamorous situation is not working for everyone concerned, IT'S NOT WORKING and needs to be fixed.
 
Vodkafan and Fidelia, thanks for your responses. I think the trust issue hits the nail on the head. I'm having trouble trusting 100% what I'm told, but that's because of shading of the truth omission of facts.

I don't trust the bf. We had two face-to-face meetings, both unplanned, on my part. For the first meeting, they showed up at my office saying they wanted to park wife's car. No big deal. But after more conversation, things they said didn't add up. If it had been me, I just would have said something like, might as well get this out of the way. Overall, weird, but I wrote it off to the situation. Later I viewed it as some sort of recon mission.

Second meeting was at a party at a friend's home, which I had no idea he and his wife were going to be there until I was walking up to the house. This event started off harmless enough, until I made a joke about myself and he thought it would be funny to pile on. Now, I have extremely thick skin, so any one of my friends, or even my employee, could have said the same thing and I would have laughed. I didn't. I guess I shot him a look that scared my wife into jumping in and changing the topic. I did say something like, "That's a little personal for somebody I just met." The vibe I got is he had read my file, so to speak, and I was flying blind.

Bottom line, nothing to date has significantly changed my mind.
 
I would suggest that you (and your wife) do a whole lot of reading and searching on here. It sounds like she is going in relatively blind also. There are definite tried and true ways to go about doing things that you can try and see if they work for you. Others have gone before you.

It all does get easier, more grounded and eventually normalized. You have just started. (I have been doing this for 12 years.) Take it slow, realize there is a big learning curve, and start learning and educating others. You have come to a great place to get advice, support and to eventually give support to others, if you like. Telling your story as it pans out can be really beneficial and rewarding. We are all in this together and all here to help.

I suggest that you start with a tag search of "lessons," and "foundations," and read some of the blogs that people have written. Mine is about my life with my husband, child, and live-in boyfriend, among other partners. There are many others with similar stories.
 
dingedheart said:
I think the trust issue hits the nail on the head. I'm having trouble trusting 100% what I'm told. I don't trust the bf.
No big deal but after more conversation things they said didn't add up. Overall weird, but I wrote it off to the situation. Later I viewed it as some sort of recon mission. Second meeting was at a party... This event started off harmless enough, until... I guess I shot him a look that scared my wife into jumping in and changing the topic. I did say, "That's a little personal for somebody I just met." The vibe I got is he had read my file, and I was flying blind.
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Can you talk to your wife about all of this? This business of just showing up at your office sounds hinky to me. And about his being at the party: did your wife know and just not tell you until you were walking up, or was it something else? Because I know that in those same circumstances my Fidelio would have been none too pleased. And for the iffy bf to crack wise at Fidelio's expense? That would have gone over like a fart in church.

Can you tell your wife about your feeling he had read your file? I assume she's the one who would've filled him in.

And where does his wife stand in all of this?

The more I learn about your situation, the more I lean toward thinking you all need to work on communication, especially you and your wife. Since you feel the trust between you has been undermined, the two of you together need to come up with a plan to fix that, and asap. If it were me, I would ask that we put further poly explorations on hold for a time so that we could concentrate on repairing our marriage, which would be my top priority.
 
dingedheart, my story is much like yours. I've been married 16 years and have two children.

We explored with a threesome about a year ago, with the rule being that it was for sexual gratification only. After 2 months, my wife told me she had feelings for the other man. I was in shock and didn't know how to cope. We did more talking then we ever have in our marriage. After getting all of our concerns on the table, we were able to come to a mutual respect for the other's needs.

Through this process, I will say that my wife never lied or kept anything from me. You must have this to make this work. We have learned that trust is everything in making poly work. We have also read the book "The Ethical Slut." This helped us set boundaries for our relationship. We are now a little over a year into this. We both feel as though our marriage is stronger than ever. At times, we even go on dates with all three of us.

If you take the time and effort to communicate it will get easier to accept and will start to pay dividends to your marriage in the long run.
 
SNeacail, thanks for the resource threads. It was a little overwhelming try to understand all the back stories. The one seemed to deal with NRE and the neglect or possible feeling of being an obligation. What I took away is, it's not unheard of, and others have same feelings and thoughts. That doesn't really make me feel a whole lot better. The Sage post was something I may have go back and break down in pieces.

Redpepper, thanks for the suggestions and the reading assignment. Wow, 12 yrs. If you haven't done so, you should write one of those yellow books "POLY FOR DUMMIES." I'd buy one. Hell, you should do just for the humor of having it on your coffee table. I'm beginning to feel like if I can figure out how to post reply and not double post, clearly poly is way over my skis. Anyway, thanks again.
 
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dingedheart said:
Thanks for the suggestions. If you haven't done so you should write one of those yellow books "POLY FOR DUMMIES" hey I'd buy one. Hell you should do just for the humor of having it on your coffee table.
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The only problem with a Poly for Dummies book is that there are so many different approaches to polyamory. It would be a heck of a long book with many many subsections and footnotes! <sigh> If only there was a Cole's notes version!
 
dingedheart said:
It was a little overwhelming try to understand all the back stories.
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It was just a start. Keep reading. If you click on a person's name, a drop down will appear and you can see what else that person has written in other threads. Warning, some have thousands of posts, like Mono and Sage, but are well worth reading. You can also send a person a PM (private message) if you have something specific to ask them.

Here is a link to the "Golden Nuggets" section. It might be helpful.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=26
 
This morning I wrote a long post replying to all, and again it was lost due to incompetence. That's why I'm trying to answer in order. However, I have go on a boy scout out camp out. Temps right now are -15 with wind chills somewhere -20 and -30. Should be fun. See what these guys are made of. Already hearing from the moms. I won't be able to post again till Monday or later. Thanks again everyone. Hope you all have a great weekend.
 
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This forum is the closest I would get to my Poly for Dummies. :D It's riddled with posts by me, after being here pretty much from the start and being here every day. I blog most of the big stuff now in the blog section.

Have fun camping. I used to camp like that with the Pathfinders in Northwestern Ontario. I hated it, but now have fond memories of warm snow caves. I think they were called quincies (sp?). There were fires, where we stunk, but our feet were getting dry and warm. I also remember warm drinks and digging in the snow.

Bah, who am I kidding? I actually loved it. It was the team dynamics I hated. It was a group with elitists in it that thought I was incompetent. They never took the time to really get to know me. I was terribly shy and lacked confidence. I just didn't fit in. Never have, really. Oh to be young again, with what I know now about myself.
 
redpepper said:
This forum is the closest I would get to my Poly for Dummies ;):D It's riddled with posts by me after being here pretty much from the start and being here every day... I blog most of the big stuff now in the blog section.

Have fun camping. I used to camp like that with the pathfinders... North western Ontario. I hated it... but now have fond memories of warm snow caves. I think they were called quincies (sp?) and fires where we stunk but our feet were getting dry and warm... also of warm drinks and digging in the snow.

Bah, who am I kidding, I actually loved it. It was the team dynamics I hated. Oh to be young again with what I know now about myself.
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Winter camping is awful. I used to do it too, in Alberta, also with the Pathfinders. We'd show up, set up camp, and then I'd get cold and wouldn't warm up until I was home again. :D Hope you have a better time than I did, dinged!

RP, it sounds to me like you were with the wrong group. As a child, the guiding world was one of the only places that I did feel confident!

Sorry for the hijack.
 
Derbylicious said:
Winter camping is awful. I used to do it too, with the Pathfinders. We'd show up set up camp and then I'd get cold and wouldn't warm up until I was home again. :D Hope you have a better time than I did, dinged!
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Oh, I love winter camping, and backpacking is even better. Then again, snow camping in Southern CA is a little different. I've never seen it go below 10F (normally between 20-40F). Most people go to Palm Springs to sit by the pool or play golf. I go to catch a tram and backpack in the snow.
 
Fidelia said:
the party: did your wife know, and just not tell you until you were walking up, or was it something else? In those same circumstances, my Fidelio would have been none too pleased. And for the iffy bf to crack wise at Fidelio's expense? That would have gone over like a fart in church.

Can you tell your wife about your feeling he had read your file? I assume she's the one who would've filled him in.

Where does his wife stand in all of this?

The more I learn about your situation, the more I lean toward thinking you all need to work on communication. Especially between you and your wife. Since you feel the trust between you has been undermined, the two of you together need to come up with a plan to fix that, and asap. If it were me, I would ask that we put further poly explorations on hold for a time so that we could concentrate on repairing our marriage, which would be my top priority.
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Fidelia, thanks for your kind words. Yes, I have expressed my thoughts and views. Not sure what gets in. Showing up at my business just knocked me off balance a little bit.

I own a contracting business. We build things, mostly high-end homes. Or should I say, we did. There's a lobby, showroom-display area, offices, conference rooms, wood shop, storage buildings, etc.

They came in. I offered them each a beer. He accepted, she declined. She then took him on a little tour... more weird feelings. This happened 7:30 or 8pm on a Friday, no one but me in the place. Not unusual to see our cars there at all different times, day or night.
Yes, I was told as I was getting out of the car, "By the way, Dick is going to be here." After many months and careful thought, he is a perfect example of Nature Vs Nurture. Is he a Dick because people have been calling him that for years, or upon his birth his parents stared lovingly into his eyes, turned to each other and said, "That's a Dick"? Now I'm pissed I didn't think of this at the party. That may have changed the mood. I wouldn't have used it, even if I had thought of it, because didn't know the guy.
 
How does he treat your wife? If he is treating her well, it might just be a case of the 2 of you just aren't meant to get along. There isn't anything saying that you have to be friends with the boyfriend. Some people just don't mesh well.

Your wife is responsible for her relationship with you though, and just because she has something shiny and new in her life doesn't mean that she gets to neglect you. She should be putting some effort into carving out time to do special things with you that the both of you enjoy together. As for how long it takes to see the positives, that can vary from person to person. Are there things she enjoys doing that you have no interest in? Is there something that you would like to do, but have been feeling guilty about asking for the time to do it?

It sounds to me like you and your wife need to work on being connected again. Sex shouldn't just happen out of "fairness," it should happen because you both want it to happen.

Relationships have their ebbs and flows. If you're both willing to put in the time to reconnect, and find why you fell in love in the first place, hopefully you'll find the spark again.
 
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