Opinions please-- meeting bf's other gf

[BaconWrappedCupcakes]

Okay. I am mono. I met my partner, Jesse, who is polyamorous. I am fine with this, really, I promise. However, recently (we've been seeing each other for about 6 months) his gf, Blossom, has been wanting to meet me. She is poly too, and has been for a long time. She's actually very nice. I knew from the very beginning that they were together, and have respected that, so it wasn't an issue. I didn't ask about them, and frankly, I expected the same.

I don't want to meet her. Not because I don't like her (we spoke in early stages of this relationship), but I feel blindsided, almost. I'm not polyamorous; I don't want to be poly. I have never asked Jesse to be monogamous with only me. Up until this point, I didn't even bring her up. I almost feel like I'm being forced to be okay with this meeting.

Ugh. I don't know. I'm trying to be open-minded about things. I feel like it will be harder for me to handle if, say, I see them kiss or embrace. I don't know. This is all new. I don't feel like I am being heard when I express my concerns.

 

[brainfreezy]

Disclaimer: I'm hella new at this, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Shooting from the hip, I think you have every right not to meet Blossom, but only if Jesse gets that. Being that you don't think your voice is being heard, you and Jesse need to talk again, because there is a hitch somewhere in your communication together. Assuming you told him that you like the V the way it is, I think he has to respect your wishes.

From his perspective, I would imagine that he's happy with her and wants to share that with you. It's only natural for him to want the two loves in his life to be friends, especially if she wants to meet you. It almost seems rude to deny meeting someone that enthusiastically wants to get to know you, so you'll need to reassert that it is nothing against her personally, just that you're not comfortable with that (and may never be).

I'm guessing that having the PDA shoved in your face is different in a V than in a triad, especially since you're mono and Blossom is poly and is probably more comfortable with it. Ultimately, I would talk with Jesse again, ask him to please cancel the meeting, and respect your boundaries. You may be okay with it in the future, but for right now you feel blindsided, especially after having expressed your wishes.

By the way: flawless screenname.

 

[bella123456]

I've been in a situation similar, except it was I that wanted to meet (also at about the 6-month mark), and his 2-year gf didn't want to meet me.

The reason I wanted to meet her was because I wanted to make sure she was okay. I really felt I needed to sit with her face-to-face to be able to feel she was okay with things, and with my relationship with him progressing and continuing.

So, her wanting to meet you is very likely coming from a positive place. At the 6-month mark in your relationship with him, see's probably starting to see you as part of his life, and she's interested in his life, and therefore you.

I probably wouldn't have felt comfortable seeing them being affectionate initially. No, not at that early point, so had we had the chance to meet I would have discussed that prior to the meeting.

Do you think communicating with her via email to get an idea of where she's coming from could help? Perhaps it could break the ice.

If the communication regarding the potential meeting is coming from him, it's a bit difficult to assess her tone. She's more than likely very warm and considerate of how you may be feeling.

And you are trying to be open-minded. Good for you!

You're not polyamorous, and that's fine, but you'll need to deal with poly-type issues and dynamics, as you are dating a poly person. Talking about how you are trying to be open-minded, but how you find the idea of meeting a bit scary and confronting is great. I hope you begin to feel heard!

 

[IndieSolo]

I almost feel like I'm being forced to be okay with this meeting.

Well, I hope they didn't just set it up already and expect you to be there!

Just keep expressing your reservations about it and ask for time to process the request. Make it clear that you're uncomfortable with it, not because you're a cowgirl, or anything like that, but because it's just not in your mono makeup to have such a meeting and see him being affectionate with someone else.

Maybe you'll be willing to meet her someday, maybe not, but I don't think you should feel coerced into doing something before you are ready.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm all for partners meeting when there is depth forming, and any sense of commitment to multiple relationships, but I wonder if there is any consideration for the "bursting-bubble potential" forcing a meeting might cause. I'm not saying this is the case, but if the boat isn't rocking, perhaps it might be better to stay in calm seas.

What happens if a new vision of your reality crashes down when you see her? Is he prepared for the possible negatives of you meeting?

It might be very hard for them both to understand that this could be a negative event for you, because perhaps they are caught up in poly-euphoria that wouldn't be shared by a mono person.

What sounds like closeness, fun and exciting to them could be the exact opposite for you. You need to express yourself firmly.

All this being said, are you living in a bubble? I'm not judging. Bubbles look really fucking tempting sometimes. LOL!

 

[LovingRadiance]

I'm polyamorous, so take this with a grain of salt.

You say that she wants to meet you. You didn't say that they wanted to meet with you.

I understand not being up to seeing the affection. No problem. But why can't you meet her alone, for coffee/tea/whatever?

Furthermore, it sounds as though you are unsure why she wants to meet. Why not call her and ask her directly? Tell her honestly that you are nervous about "rocking the boat," that you totally want to respect her position and whatever in his life, that in light of your nervousness, you wanted to just ask her yourself what she's hoping for in meeting.

 

[BaconWrappedCupcakes]

I don't think I am living in a bubble, lol I known for five months they are seeing each other. In the last month, she has been apparently very forward about "having" to meet me.

As a submissive, I have tried to hear my Dom out. He has said, "It's really not that big of a deal." But to me, it is.

I want to do this "for me," but I feel like if I do, it will completely ruin everything we had.

 

[LovingRadiance]

No disrespect here. I'm seriously just looking to understand more clearly, in case I do have a good suggestion. Why do you feel that it would be a bad thing to meet her?

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I want to do this "for me," but I feel like if I do it will completely ruin everything we had.

Explain the risks. Make sure everyone accepts the possible consequences. Don't make any definite promises about your response. In theory, we can handle almost anything, but put that to the test and often emotions override choice, logic and reason.

 

[LovingRadiance]

(I'm a switch. Submissive in one relationship and Dominant in the other. I understand the difficulty of having differing opinions on something so serious to oneself from your Dom.)

 

[AutumnalTone]

I'm not poly. I don't want to be poly.

What does not being or wanting to be poly have to do with meeting her? It's not an infectious disease. Nobody gets a toaster oven for recruiting monos. Meeting her involves nothing more than meeting with somebody and having a discussion.

I'm wondering why you tossed that in your post. Your statement that you are mono covered that thoroughly, so why the reinforcement of the idea, especially directly after stating you didn't want to meet her?

 

[redpepper]

Can you ask for some stuff beforehand? Like:
Please don't show affection around each other the first time we meet.
Let me have my say when I need to go, or need to say something.
Respect that I am terrified that my relationship will end if I do this.
Show me that you love me. This is how.

All this seems negotiable to me. I think that in talking about your needs you might come to a place where you are ready and willing to move forward. Everything is possible if you decide it to be so. That's my philosophy, anyway.

 

[LovingRadiance]

FYI, being mono isn't a problem, and meeting her certainly won't change that. You know that, right?

I sense that there is something underlying your fears and concerns, but I'm not catching what it is.

I know that for GG (my boyfriend), he's mono, but he's very secure in our relationship and enjoys meeting people in my life.

On the other hand, Maca (my husband) is poly and he's so insecure that he can barely handle dealing with GG.

I'm still very curious as to exactly what it is about meeting her that upsets you. If it's them and their affection, it seems an easy solution to meet with her when he's not there.

Is it maybe something else?

 

[IndieSolo]

What does not being or wanting to be poly have to do with meeting her? I'm wondering why you tossed that in your post. Your statement that you are mono covered that thoroughly, so why the reinforcement of the idea, especially directly after stating you don't want to meet her?

Oh, I totally get it. I believe what she meant was that, to her, it seems that poly people think of meeting the mates and partners of their SOs as perfectly normal and natural. Doing so, however, is completely out of her reality, even though they have spoken. The idea of it makes her uncomfortable, and she sees no need for it herself. So therefore, she's saying, "I don't want to be poly," because she's associating such ease with a meeting like that as a natural part of being poly. And it's funny how many of the people who responded are like, "What's the problem?" which kind of illustrates her point (if I've interpreted it correctly).

As a monoamorous person, she prefers to simply enjoy her relationship without having to meet anyone else Jesse may be involved with, even though she's accepting of it. She appreciates what she has with him, doesn't ask questions about Blossom, and has no need to feel a part of a "network" or other poly configuration. Meeting Blossom just makes her feel more of a part of something she doesn't really want to think about.

Did I get that right, Bacon? (Love the username.)

 

[MonoVCPHG]

As a monoamorous person, she prefers to simply enjoy her relationship without having to meet anyone else Jesse may be involved with, even though she's accepting of it. She appreciates what she has with him, doesn't ask questions about Blossom, and has no need to feel a part of a "network" or other poly configuration. Meeting Blossom just makes her feel more of a part of something she doesn't really want to think about.

I would say this is the most likely scenario. Meeting Blossom could change a lot of things, in my opinion. Actually embracing a relationship is a lot different than "handling" it, or dealing with it.

If Bacon is happy with what she has, and everyone is satisfied that there is knowledge of each other, and this isn't moving towards something deeper or closer physically, why not just enjoy it and stop pushing the meeting? If they are wanting something closer, they should be upfront, so Bacon can decide if that is something she is even interested in.

She might be purely interested in Jesse, and want nothing to do with poly beyond that.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Different perspectives

This seems a difficult situation, at least for me, because I can understand both sides of the equation. It seems it's fear-driven from both sides.

The monoamorous person doesn't want to do anything that might threaten her self image and identity as mono. Must be really important, for some reason. Being forced to meet her metamour really drives home the fact that she is NOT, in fact, involved in a mono relationship, except in her own mind.

On the other hand, the poly GF Blossom likely needs to have a certain sense of security about whom she is indirectly involved with, and feel good about that, because, meet or not, they ARE involved! Can't change that fact. And your warning flags naturally go up when someone doesn't want to meet/acknowledge your existence. What are they hiding? How could that affect me, etc.? Natural and wise, in most cases.

I guess the only win/win I could see coming from this would rely on Jesse. Blossom would have to have such deep trust in her him that she could get comfortable with a total unknown being in the picture. Jesse would have to believe that, at least in this case, it's acceptable to nurture someone's else's fears of facing reality, and that that behavior won't have any further implications down the line.

That's a big leap, to me. My experience has been that people who insist on burying their heads in the sand end up with a mouthful, and often smothering to death, not a pleasant experience for the lover standing (or kneeling) beside them to live through, if you get my drift. Not a good situation, it seems.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

And your warning flags naturally go up when someone doesn't want to meet/acknowledge your existence. What are they hiding? How could that affect me?

Very true, GS. Sounds like logical insight into Blossom's mindset.

Maybe biting the bullet and just meeting her once would suffice to alleviate the issue-- temporary discomfort for a greater sense of calm.

 

[NeonKaos]

Temporary discomfort for a greater sense of calm.

I do not understand why the human condition seems to assume that discomfort or adversity is something to be avoided, instead of something to be confronted and moved past. It reminds me of when I was between the ages of 6 and 18, when I had a fear of vomiting and would do everything to avoid it; i think I must have only puked once or twice during that entire period of time. Now, when I feel sick, I try to get it over with as quickly as possible, or at least I don't try to fight it when it happens. It's not as though those few moments have to define the rest of your life. Maybe the fact that I've embraced my predisposition toward pessimism makes it easier for me to realize this kind of thing, because the purpose of looking for problems is to either deal with them or rule them out.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I do not understand why the human condition seems to assume that discomfort or adversity is something to be avoided,.

You said it yourself and already answered the question, I think. It's the human condition. I don't see why anyone wouldn't gravitate towards comfort. I know people find great payoffs at the other side of discomfort sometimes, but for others it's not worth it. It's not a matter of "not dealing with reality," it's a matter of creating a comfortable one. Keeping it simple and living in comfort isn't such a bad goal, in my opinion. To each their own, I guess.

 

[NeonKaos]

You said it yourself and already answered the question I think...it's the human condition.

I didn't say it "is" the human condition. I said it "seems to be" the human condition. If you don't get the difference between those two thiings, don't bother reading what I'm about to say next.

I don't see why anyone wouldn't gravitate towards comfort. I know people find great payoffs at the other side of discomfort sometimes but for others it's not worth it. It's not a matter of "not dealing with reality"...it's a matter of creating a comfortable one.
Keeping it simple and living in comfort isn't such a bad goal in my opinion.

Again, I didn't say people shouldn't "gravitate toward comfort" or that they shouldn't try to "create a comfortable reality". The "reality" IS that discomfort is a normal part of reality. Avoiding discomfort in the short term can lead to MORE discomfort over the long term. Deciding to be in denial never does anyone any good.

To each their own I guess

Yeah, I guess. Everyone's denial is their own