Coming out

As someone who just recently discovered that this amazing poly world even existed, I would like to encourage you by emphasizing that there are so many people out there who have lived our whole lives by the prevailing ideal of monogamy, but will still embrace and respect you for your choice. I am biased, because I have had poly-leanings for a long time and am just recently realizing what they meant... that it's not because I am immoral, damaged, or desperate. That said, there will always be closed-minded fools out there who won't understand. That doesn't automatically mean they don't care about your welfare. Still, I can see how it would be difficult to discuss this sort of thing with co-workers, not to mention the boss.

As for your family, you must have some idea what they will say. Regardless, at some point they will have to adjust to it if they can. Hopefully they will come to accept it.
 
Coming out-- who to tell, who not to tell
I am in a fledgling relationship with a couple. We are falling in love hard and fast. The hard thing is that we all live in the same area. Pat goes to the same institution as me, where I work in an upper administration office. We attend university events together, and meet at the library. I want so badly to express myself in public, how happy I am, how in love I am, to hold hands, and put our arms around one another, though this CANNOT happen. I am in a very public position in the school, and I work closely with a very broad section of the student body. I am not "out" as poly. The only people that know I am poly are my mom, my fiance, and my two best friends. It feels terrible being out in public and not being able to express myself with them. It hurts that I can't share my true source of my recent happiness with co-workers, friends, and classmates due to fears of being judged.

I guess my question is, how do you decide to come out? Have you come out? What are your experiences with coming out? Who do you come out to? What are the repercussions? Ok, that's a lot of questions, but I would love some feedback on this.

Thanks so much!
 
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polycouple said:
It hurts that I can't share my true source of my recent happiness with co-workers, friends, and classmates due to fears of being judged.
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Please know that MILLIONS of people in your country, and perhaps billions around the world, are suffering exactly this very same dilemma.

Things are inevitably moving toward what I think is necessary for change -- which would be an International Poly Coming Out Day. A day of celebration, courage, faith, solidarity, a day when we collectively unmask ourselves in public, proudly and without fear or shame. The meme has been planted and the Great Spirit (so to speak) is nourishing this in many hearts.
 
Speak Up Lurkers! We know you're here watching!
 
Well, my earlier post was on the task of telling friends and family. That alone is a big hurdle. Telling coworkers is a whole other ballgame. It took me years to admit to my coworkers that I was gay. Poly? Oy. That's scary and unpredictable. This is still the South here, after all. Most folks are religious in one way or another. So far, I think my coworkers have this sense, this feeling that they are enlightened moderate Christians who are tolerate or even accepting of gays. But polyamory would go over their thresholds, I'm afraid.
 
RfromRMC said:
My earlier post was on the task of telling friends and family. That alone is a big hurdle. Telling coworkers is a whole other ballgame. It took me years to admit to my coworkers about being gay. Poly? Oy. That's scary and unpredictable. This is still the South here, after all. Most folks are religious in one way or another. So far, I think my coworkers have this sense, this feeling like they are enlightened moderate Christians who are tolerate or even accepting of gays. But polyamory would go over their thresholds, I'm afraid.
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You may be selling them short. ;) I got to a point in my life where I just didn't care who knew. If people can't accept me for who I am, then so be it. Will I ever be in politics? GADS, no! Will I ever hold a public office or public-type job? Probably not. So do I have anything to lose by telling co-workers? Not really. I'm a mechanic. People have grown accustomed to to hearing odd things about mechanics. LOL

Of course, I live in Florida too. Pretty open here. I mean, it IS the swinger capitol of the world. So when I tell people, they automatically say, "Oh, so you're a swinger." LOL
 
This question is directed at everyone reading and/or participating in this thread. If millions and millions of people all over the world came out together, to friends/family/workplace/etc., and this were in the media, would you feel inclined to join in and come out on this one special day?

I'm convinced that such a day will arrive-- and it won't be long.
 
My answer?

Damn right I would!
 
I'm already out, as is my wife, to all of our family and my work. So it would serve no purpose other than to call attention to myself. Coming out has always been a bit of an issue to me. For someone to make a huge deal over it seems to make them out to be an attention grabber, of sorts.

When my wife and I came out, it was a gradual thing, and we didn't really make a big deal over it. I think it went something along the lines of casually mentioning to a coworker that I had a date one night. They asked if it was with my wife. I said no, it was with another woman. They asked me to elaborate, and insinuated that they thought I was cheating. I carefully explained to them I was not and that my wife knew, and blah blah blah.

Now everyone at my work knows that I date openly, and my wife does also, and that we are ok with each other doing that. Some think it's cool, others think we're crazy. However, the proof is in the puddin.' We've been married for 20 years now. Obviously, it works for us. And every time I talk to someone about it, I explain to them that this lifestyle is NOT for everyone. Some can't handle it, but it works for my wife and me.

So, no, I would probably NOT attend or participate in a Coming Out Day, as we are already completely out.
 
A dream..

I would LOVE to be able to come out to everyone in my life. Those I consider important know and I think I'd be ok with coworkers knowing. However, it's not something that either of my guys could ever express at work. Because their work is more of a "community" then a job, staying under the radar is a must. Dealing with the idea of remaining "hidden" is something that greatly bothers me and Monster. For me, it's a big hit to my confidence and a struggle in my relationships. Maybe in another 13 years or so. Heavens, even that statement is depressing. :(
 
I came out and sometimes want back in. Sometimes the kinda "heuuh" grin I get, you know the one where they think you are a freak and a slut at the same time? Just makes me sigh... I get a little overloaded with explaining "What the fuck" every time I talk, like they know what I am talking about, like I am hanging out with poly friends, ya know? I forget the ignorance. It's fucking TIRING!
 
redpepper said:
I came out and sometimes want back in. Sometimes the kinda "heuuh" grin I get, you know the one where they think you are a freak and a slut at the same time?
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LOL Being a guy, I kinda LIKE that look. LOL:p
 
How does being out work?

I'm new to practicing poly (my wife started her first non-monogamous relationship about a week ago) but I've known for some time that something like that (didn't have the word poly or the full thought) would be a way I could see living my life.

While we're probably not going to be "out" about our poly relationship for some time. I live in the Midwest, and am about 80-90% sure my family would cut ties completely, and hers would have some big hurdles to get over before things could be ok. I also think we'd probably lose a good deal of friends. it's something that I want to actively consider for later, because I think it would be very liberating.

The one thing I'm not sure of is how it works, exactly. I can think of a million day-to-day situations where, with casual acquaintances, coworkers, etc. it seems like bringing up polyamory in an otherwise unrelated conversation ("What's your wife doing this weekend?" "Oh, she's visiting her lover" vs. "She's visiting a friend") is beating people over the head with information that they probably don't care to know, that would instantly and dramatically turn the conversation toward poly.

I don't want to spend my life lying about who I am, but I don't want to spend it explaining what I am to everyone I meet, either. For those of you who are already out, how does it work with those not so close to you? Obviously, my close friends and family would all know, or it wouldn't really be out.
 
I just tell everyone that Mono is my friend and that he lives with us. I took the lead from LB (our son), actually. He did an "about my life" project for school and added Mono's picture to the project. People asked who he was and he just said, "He is my best buddy that lives with us." There was some confusion, but people took it in and accepted it as LB's normal life, much like anyone else's family is normal to them. Mono goes to school functions, picks LB up sometimes. No one gives him a second glance, really. Or maybe I just shrug it off as not their business and them looking for gossip. :rolleyes:

Really, its all in the confidence and the normalcy of the presentation. It really isn't anyone's business until you decide to make yourself vulnerable by talking about it openly.

It's early days for you two. I would think that your partner is not about to want to invite the new love over for a family reunion or anything, anyway. When big family events come up, or holidays, if the relationship has reached the kind of depth that requires it, it can be important to negotiate who spends what time where and for how long. But it's early yet, so some wait and see is in order first, I think.
 
polynome said:
The one thing I'm not sure of is how does it work exactly? I can think of a million day-to-day situations where, with casual acquaintances, coworkers, etc. it seems like bringing up polyamory in an otherwise unrelated conversation ("what's your wife doing this weekend?" "Oh, she's visiting her lover" vs. "She's visiting a friend") is beating people over the head with information that they probably don't care to know and would instantly and dramatically turn the conversation toward poly.
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I actually find these to be the perfect opportunities. I don't look at it as beating someone over the head with too much information. Why should I have to have that twinge of guilt and discomfort about how I choose to live my life? Someone wants to ask what I'm doing, and that happens to be a boyfriend weekend? Well, I try to say, "I'm visiting my boyfriend," and then quickly move on to whatever plans we may have. I say "try." It's hard. :)
 
If you're relatively young, you can still get away with the "she/he is my room mate," at least from my experience. In this economy, people seem to more easily accept the fact you need to get someone in to help pay the rent/mortgage.

We'll have a large family get-together for me and the first gf later this year. Still not sure what we'll be calling the second gf by that stage. Some know, but most don't. Ah well, we don't _need_ any of them in our lives, if that's what they want. So it doesn't really matter in the end. People that are still dependent on their parents/family (whether financially, emotionally, etc.) probably have the hardest time of anyone coming out. All that fear.
 
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