whatamIdoing
New member
Well, I can. But they can't handle it. I love my DH. I love J. Both DH and J have said they love me, and NEITHER wants to share. Damn it all to hell. I can do this and they can't.
Why can't I love both of them?
- Thread starter whatamIdoing
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lovemultiplied
New member
Hmm... Neither wants to share. So how does that work? Sounds frustratingly complex. I wish you luck!
MonoVCPHG
New member
It sounds like a clear case of choosing one or the other, or neither.
Maybe it's time to try to look at this with pure logic. Write it all down on paper. Two columns, one for each man. Write down the areas of your life they have influence in and the impact if they are no longer around.
One of them will have more impact. So "logically" one will be the choice. But, relationships defy logic quite often. Will you make a choice?
You are in the classic Hollywood situation: two men, one woman, one choice.
You are in two mono/poly relationships.
You have a "cowboy" in your midst, as well. J, who doesn't want to share with your primary, is a classic cowboy. Not a negative thing, just an observation.
Good luck, my friend.
Maybe it's time to try to look at this with pure logic. Write it all down on paper. Two columns, one for each man. Write down the areas of your life they have influence in and the impact if they are no longer around.
One of them will have more impact. So "logically" one will be the choice. But, relationships defy logic quite often. Will you make a choice?
You are in the classic Hollywood situation: two men, one woman, one choice.
You are in two mono/poly relationships.
You have a "cowboy" in your midst, as well. J, who doesn't want to share with your primary, is a classic cowboy. Not a negative thing, just an observation.
Good luck, my friend.
whatamIdoing
New member
It's not easy right now. I feel like Stretch Armstrong.
It's not working for DH. And J, well, he's taking what we can get, and letting me lead the way. He wants someone to come home to, and I can't be that person, even if I were not married to DH. We live in different states. I can't move. He won't move. So it's not even an option for us to be full time, at this point.
The truth is, DH says to me that he will not ask me to give up J, because he does not want to give up his "friend." So I'm basically being an evil bitch and doing what I want.
whatamIdoing
New member
It sounds like a clear case of choosing one or the other, or neither. Maybe it's time to try to look at this with pure logic. Write it all down on paper. Two columns, one for each man. Write down the areas of your life they have influence in and the impact if they are no longer around.
One of them will have more impact. So "logically" one will be the choice. But relationships defy logic quite often. Will you make a choice?
You are in the classic Hollywood situation: two men, one woman, one choice.
You are in two mono/poly relationships. You have a "cowboy" in your midst, as well. J, who doesn't want to share with your primary, is a classic cowboy. Not a negative thing. Just an observation.
Good luck, my friend.
Ah, if only it were logical. I am not Mr Spock, sadly.
I think I am going to let the choice be made. I am going to choose not to choose at this point.
J never set out to be a cowboy. DH never set out to be poly. I never thought I was, but clearly I am. I think if J had a primary he could do it, to some extent.
Thanks for the well wishes. I need all the help I can get.
whatamIdoing
New member
UPDATE:
My DH moved out last night, saying, "You can't love two people." I said, "I can and I do." DH said, "Well, I can't."
J and I tried to explain this to him. J told him, "I can easily understand how she can love two people. I can love more than one." So J clearly is on board with this. He and I are currently waiting to see what my DH does. We are hoping he will come around, but he says I am ripping his heart out and killing him, and he lost his marriage.
Yet he can't give up his lady friends.
And he called me a whore last night.
He was screaming at me, inches from my face.
He's always been a bit dramatic, and he's been manipulative.
I'm not backing down.
J is backing me, and we will continue on as a couple right now.
Should my DH wish to return to our life, we will welcome him back, and continue to seek a local partner for J to have, should this occur. Otherwise, J and I will be just us for a while.
My DH moved out last night, saying, "You can't love two people." I said, "I can and I do." DH said, "Well, I can't."
J and I tried to explain this to him. J told him, "I can easily understand how she can love two people. I can love more than one." So J clearly is on board with this. He and I are currently waiting to see what my DH does. We are hoping he will come around, but he says I am ripping his heart out and killing him, and he lost his marriage.
Yet he can't give up his lady friends.
And he called me a whore last night.
He was screaming at me, inches from my face.
He's always been a bit dramatic, and he's been manipulative.
I'm not backing down.
J is backing me, and we will continue on as a couple right now.
Should my DH wish to return to our life, we will welcome him back, and continue to seek a local partner for J to have, should this occur. Otherwise, J and I will be just us for a while.
IndieSolo
Active member
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! At least you have J to help you through this, but I know it's rough. Your hubby has flip-flopped back and forth so many times, maybe he will come around again. But such a roller-coaster for you!
Odd that you two were swingers before, and he's got another squeeze, but now he calls you a whore for loving another beside him. I've never understood the swinger mindset, but something is not getting through to him. I don't recall if he's in therapy, but it might help to start that, if he's not. Maybe it would help you, too.
I hope you and DH keep talking and trying to work it out. Has he ever come here to read this forum? Might also be helpful for him.
((((HUGS))))
Odd that you two were swingers before, and he's got another squeeze, but now he calls you a whore for loving another beside him. I've never understood the swinger mindset, but something is not getting through to him. I don't recall if he's in therapy, but it might help to start that, if he's not. Maybe it would help you, too.
I hope you and DH keep talking and trying to work it out. Has he ever come here to read this forum? Might also be helpful for him.
((((HUGS))))
whatamIdoing
New member
Thank you, Indie.
I am in therapy, and it's not my first shot at it. He just started on his own for the first time ever.
I see him now for being that manipulative, angry man that hates himself. I can't fix that.
I realize that while I did not leave DH for J, and had DH dealt with the situation I would have stayed with both, J has given me the strength to be brave enough to hopefully make the bad behavior stop.
I can now let them both know about this forum, but I would prefer to move my blog. So I have to figure out how to get that done.
I am in therapy, and it's not my first shot at it. He just started on his own for the first time ever.
I see him now for being that manipulative, angry man that hates himself. I can't fix that.
I realize that while I did not leave DH for J, and had DH dealt with the situation I would have stayed with both, J has given me the strength to be brave enough to hopefully make the bad behavior stop.
I can now let them both know about this forum, but I would prefer to move my blog. So I have to figure out how to get that done.
I'm sorry that you're going through some rough stuff right now.
This is a classic example. You're not alone, by any stretch.
But what gets me is that for all the importance that people have attached to the relationship with their mate, child, whomever, that they have so much trouble tearing away from the ideal that they would rather sacrifice their loved one, especially when the ideal isn't one that needs to affect them.
If a child comes out as a homosexual/an atheist/a Habs fan, how does a parent choose some abstract principle/church/the Leafs over their blood (Canadian hockey joke), especially when the child isn't asking the parent to BE homosexual/etc., just accept them and love them?
If a mate comes out as polyamorous, and isn't necessarily asking the other spouse to follow suit, it baffles me that people can choose to cast aside a considerable portion of their lifetime so quickly, even if not easily. It shouldn't matter if he can't love more than one, if he still loves you. So much for the pipe dream.
I can understand the disbelief, hurt, feelings of betrayal, jealousy, threat of the unknown. I understand where they come from, and how they can make us all behave badly if we let them get the better of us. But today I just can't fathom why people would chose that angst/anger/negativity over those that we love.
Food for thought... Snack time.
This kind of thing is throwing my mind for a loop at the moment. I've seen it come up repeatedly. I suppose I can understand why people project their own views and opinions onto their mates, at least until there's a big enough disagreement to finally come to the realization that no matter how close a couple is, they are not the same people.
This is a classic example. You're not alone, by any stretch.
But what gets me is that for all the importance that people have attached to the relationship with their mate, child, whomever, that they have so much trouble tearing away from the ideal that they would rather sacrifice their loved one, especially when the ideal isn't one that needs to affect them.
If a child comes out as a homosexual/an atheist/a Habs fan, how does a parent choose some abstract principle/church/the Leafs over their blood (Canadian hockey joke), especially when the child isn't asking the parent to BE homosexual/etc., just accept them and love them?
If a mate comes out as polyamorous, and isn't necessarily asking the other spouse to follow suit, it baffles me that people can choose to cast aside a considerable portion of their lifetime so quickly, even if not easily. It shouldn't matter if he can't love more than one, if he still loves you. So much for the pipe dream.
I can understand the disbelief, hurt, feelings of betrayal, jealousy, threat of the unknown. I understand where they come from, and how they can make us all behave badly if we let them get the better of us. But today I just can't fathom why people would chose that angst/anger/negativity over those that we love.
Food for thought... Snack time.
whatamIdoing
New member
Thanks for the post. I'm not sure how to take it, but I feel like the bad guy here. I feel like the selfish one, being that I can't deny my feelings to keep my spouse happy.
Even my MIL, who was told the whole story by my DH, sees my POV, and is not taking sides.
B (my DH) and I are talking a lot and trying to figure this out. I think he left because he wants some time to himself to figure out what or who he wants.
We profess to love each other, and we do. So now I have to figure out how to cope with this.
I've cried many tears in the last few days.
To make it worse, my stepdaughter (whom I have raised for 8 years) has told me, "You know what to do to get Daddy back. Just do it," and she has no clue why I feel the way I do.
My husband says "he" can't be poly, but by that he means that "I" can't be poly, while he still wants his "friends." And that's not fair.
Even my MIL, who was told the whole story by my DH, sees my POV, and is not taking sides.
B (my DH) and I are talking a lot and trying to figure this out. I think he left because he wants some time to himself to figure out what or who he wants.
We profess to love each other, and we do. So now I have to figure out how to cope with this.
I've cried many tears in the last few days.
To make it worse, my stepdaughter (whom I have raised for 8 years) has told me, "You know what to do to get Daddy back. Just do it," and she has no clue why I feel the way I do.
My husband says "he" can't be poly, but by that he means that "I" can't be poly, while he still wants his "friends." And that's not fair.
I hope it wasn't anything I said. I was mostly reflecting on the dialog in general, not so much your specific circumstance.
That would be more what I was looking at. And I'd agree. It seems a little hypocritical, doesn't it?
Maybe your husband just needs to be by himself for a little while and figure things out. It's probably a good thing for you two to have a break from each other. Try not to feel as though the rest of your life has to be decided this weekend. Give things a chance to work themselves out. It's hard to see how things could do that when you're in the middle of it all. Don't make any decisions that you can't take back during this time.
whatamIdoing
New member
That's what I'm hoping, and what he thinks. Thankfully he can stay at his folks' house, at least through April, to figure out things. We are talking often.
We've set up Tuesday lunch dates so we can talk and work on the marriage.
He's offered to stay with my dogs when I go to visit J, which is above and beyond the call of duty in my eyes, but I appreciate it.
My daughter and I had it out this morning, so she and her bf packed up and left, as well. Now it's just me for a while.
My entire life since Thursday has changed.
I'm currently separated. @hile my state does not allow legal separations, we are apart.
I am currently childless.
I now have a long-distance boyfriend.
And to Mono-- I owe you an apology. It's rather clear now to me (and it was to B all along) that J is a cowboy. The minute DH was out of the house, he ramped up his behavior and declared us a couple.
IndieSolo
Active member
But you are a couple, aren't you? You're in two couples, one with B and one with J. Why does his having said that make him a cowboy? (He may be for other reasons, though; I don't know.)
whatamIdoing
New member
J is lonely and has no primary. The best I could do for him as a married woman long distance was be there part time, not full time, as he wants. He knew this, and part of our goal was to find him a primary. As things with B deteriorated, J ramped up his behavior (seeking me out more and more, impinging on my time at home, pushing B to the edge with his declarations of: "N and I are together, at least part time," and, "We care about each other"). The hot second B left the house, J immediately added all our mutual friends to his Skype account. He started talking about coming down here, taking me to the group events we go to as his partner, not as B's partner. The instantaneous feeling of "Now you are my responsibility, and I get to take care of you" was overwhelming.
He immediately contacted (with my knowledge) my best friend and said, "Since you are local, I need you to help me take care of her and make sure she eats enough." With my WLS I tend to eat very little and my weight is dropping too low.
His comments to me are, "I need to make lists of your friends and family so I can learn them. They are now part of my life now, too." He tells me he just was waiting to have a "real life" with me, and not just be on the fringes of my life.
His comment to me about what he did in January, the whole spontaneous "Get your ass up here Saturday night, please" statement was, "I knew I was going to lose you, and I could not risk that. I knew what I was doing," goes along with the comments about, "I knew there would be strings attached. There are always strings attached. I knew it from the beginning."
And then, he admitted he loved me. That was because he knew B has always said, "I will step aside for him if he ever says he loves you." He took advantage of B's inability to love himself.
whatamIdoing
New member
I know. Thanks.Oh dear...
I feel like all if it is my fault. It's not. But I still feel that way.
I feel hammered and beaten, and yet strangely relieved.
Sadly, most of our (mine and B's) close friends know J, and think I'm the evil one here. They ask, "Why can't I give J up and make B happy?" It's like a knife in my heart.