KT's Blog

One step forward . . . ten steps back. I'm so sick of this shit!

Let me preface this by saying that this has nothing to do directly with MG. I have no angry feelings towards her at all. This is about issues/problems in our marriage - not about MG or poly.


I write something positive on here - and I'm called a hypocrite. All because I wrote on MY blog that 2rings and I snuggled (NOT that we had hot, heavy sex or anything like that) but that we snuggled and he "calmly points out" that if MG wrote that, that I would be angry. When I try to point out that this was MY blog - all of a sudden I'm defensive and crazy. Again - MG can write WHATEVER she wants on HER blog and it's not a big deal because I'm not reading it. She has the right to write what she wants - as should I. But I write on my blog that my husband and I snuggled (for the first time in over a month I might add) and he makes it an issue AND - when I point that out - he instantly gets defensive of MG and says not to bring her into this and not to accuse her. I didn't accuse her of anything! Six months to a year ago - I was hurt by her writing something about them having sex on the "How Are You Doing" thread - but that was a long time ago!!

•I WOULD be a hypocrite if I posted something similar on that thread - but I didn't! I posted it on MY blog - and it was harmless! Since then - I've not said a word about anything she's posted because for the most part - I don't read her posts on other threads and I don't read her blog.

•I WOULD be a hypocrite if I complained about her writing something hurtful about me on her blog, then turned around and wrote something hurtful about her on mine. But I didn't.

•I WOULD be a hypocrite if I made comments on MG's blog, because I have asked her not to comment on mine. But that's not the case! So am I a hypocrite?

Mind you - it was not MG who made it an issue - it was 2rings who thought I was being a hypocrite. All of these fights we have had, had nothing to do specifically with MG. My problems are NOT with MG. I have no angry feelings about her. Her and I have been texting a little bit concerning other non-poly related things. I actually had a long talk the other day with our children about being able to love two people etc (we recently found out that there is a poly family living near us in a "sister-wives" style house and the kids were asking about it and I was honest about what it was. I didn't use the term polyamory, but I did explain the concept of loving two people.) My daughter told me all about meeting MG's family the other night and we had a long talk about them. So let me make it clear that this has nothing to do with poly or MG. This is all about him and I. Its about his inability to not criticize every damn thing and my inability to not become defensive when he does.

I just feel like giving up. I'm tired of the fighting. I'm just worn out.
 
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bipolar

KT, your life is very hard right now. That's enough to make anyone crazy. Be a little cautious about accepting a diagnosis as set in stone for life. But do take advantage of support such as medicine or other therapy if you feel it would help. And your life will not always be this hard.

sage said:
I know a fair bit about bi-polar disorder as I suppose theoretically I have it. Does one ever not have it after diagnosis? That I don't know. I believe I have healed myself (no episodes in 7 years) and no medication but there is always the chance of a flare-up if I become stressed enough for a sustained period I suppose.

I believe bi-polar is a continuum and can be mixed up with a lot of different things.
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Beloved has the more severe bipolar diagnosis - more vicious swings, higher highs, lower lows, etc. I've learned from living with and loving her that bipolar is a disease that kills if it is not actively managed. It doesn't kill outright but rather through addictions caused by self-medicating, or impulsive, dangerous behavior (driving too fast, unprotected sex with lots of partners, etc.), or suicide (either by one's own hand or through 'death by cop'). Beloved has avoided these things for the most part but only by dealing with her disease every day. And I find her amazing for it.

Sage, I don't mean to discount your experiences in any way, but I urge you to be very, very careful in considering yourself healed. I've seen the disorder re-surge in vicious ways after years' absence.
 
NeonKaos said:
You keep writing whatever you want hon. It's all about YOU.
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:)

opalescent said:
KT, your life is very hard right now. That's enough to make anyone crazy. Be a little cautious about accepting a diagnosis as set in stone for life. But do take advantage of support such as medicine or other therapy if you feel it would help. And your life will not always be this hard.
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Thank you opal - I will. I need help but I will be cautious about how to get it. I'd rather not be diagnoses bipolar or ADD - but if doing so can get me on medication that will help me - then it would be worth it!
 
Bipolar - Seriously?

If you were to ask 1000 people off the street right outside your door if they thought your ups and downs were caused by being bipolar, I highly doubt the majority would say yes. What they would likely say is that your situation is causing it. They would probably empathize totally as well. I'll even hazard a guess that 1000 psychologists would feel the same. Almost any one in your situation, (who didn't want it), would react the same way...they might be able to hide or suppress it better, but their internal emotional response would probably be just like yours.


KT, I think you are an absolutely balanced and healthy person in an unbalanced and unhealthy situation.....but I'm no doctor. The only thing I think you might be lacking is confidence that there is any other way to achieve a consistently happy and healthy love life.

Sorry to be such a downer...I'll shut up now.
 
^^ What the smart guy said.


Also, reading this, prompts a question..

If you are bi-polar, wouldn't a therapist/Dr. of mentioned it to you by now ? Even the worst therapist is usually very good at seeing signs of various problems. Usually over diagnosis is a bigger problem, then under.

Another thought,... Lets say you are 'acting' bi-polar. You can be thrown into a manner of behaviour, due to circumstances, without actually 'being' that. Maybe you are, maybe you aren`t,..I`m no doc, just a broad on a messageboard,....but I would think with the various avenues of support you have been seeking, it would of been mentioned to you ( via professionally) by now.

Final thought : Careful at adopting some self-issue to 'fix' things. I truly understand the way things can go, when you have hit what seems to be a dead-end. It can be almost as if you would happily love to know something is your fault, because then you have the power to fix it. It feels horrible when we try and try, and keep meeting the same wall.

So,..if you truly feel bi-polar, and look forward to a diagnosis that makes sense, and stabilizes you, I wish you that peace. Just be sure you aren`t 'hoping' to have found a solution to your problem via self-blame.

Don`t seek to be bi-polar in order to live up to someone else's low expectations.
 
Geez, I don't think that what you're going through has anything to do with being bi-polar or ADD or what-have-you. Meltdowns? How could anyone not melt down with what you've been put through?

I'll just say it point blank: woman, it looks like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.
 
Be happy, but don't STFU.

And don't be happy about things that you're not happy about, but find some time to focus on something that makes you happy even if it's only for a few moments.

You know, like the Almond Joy/Mounds commercial says, "It's a five-minute vacation!"
 
I certainly would hope that no one would think a mature woman would take opinions of faceless, nameless strangers on the internet as gospel, or that she couldn't come to her own conclusions and know her own mind. This forum is just a place to learn, find connections with others, and vent when necessary. So who the fuck am I to even say what I said? She or anyone else can choose to pay credence to me or not, but from where I sit, that was my observation. Oh well, if he uses that as an excuse to fly off the handle, would it really be my fault? Hmmm...

I won't say any more on that. Kat, I hope you are doing well!
 
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No need to take anything back!! You are all allowed to have and express your opinions here!

Yes - there are times when I have felt emotionally abused. 2rings and I are in a VERY bad place right now. Emotions are heightened, resentment is strong, sensitivity is high. We are both acting in ways that we normally wouldn't otherwise.

Sometimes I need a place to vent and get my frustrations out. This is that place. Unfortunately 2rings and MG both check in to see what I'm saying. That's their right. I had a long talk with MG tonight and I think I was able to get her to understand where my frustration and emotions are coming from and that they are mostly about our marriage and have very little to do with her personally. Overall - I think it was a productive talk.

I think BOTH 2rings and I need to STFU - until we are able to sit down with the marriage counselor together. Any thing having to do with poly, this site or MG turns into a huge fight. We are both worn out from it.

BTW - I do have my own mind and can make my own decisions. I read what everyone says, think about it, then make my own conclusion and choices. Everyone here is unique and individual - and so are the opinions and suggestions. Everyday, I read something that makes me think.

I'm stressed and frustrated - but my depression has lifted slightly. Do I think I am bipolar? No - but I do feel like my depression has gotten a lot worse. I'll see what the psychiatrist says on Friday.

Can't keep my eyes open so I'm going to go. Sorry I didn't have time to respond to everyone individually. Maybe tomorrow.

Goodnight - and thanks! Kat
 
KatTails said:
BTW - I do have my own mind and can make my own decisions. I read what everyone says, think about it, then make my own conclusion and choices. Everyone here is unique and individual - and so are the opinions and suggestions. Everyday, I read something that makes me think.
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Oh, I know! - that's what I was saying. Maybe it didn't come out right. I think you are awesome, Kat.
 
SourGirl said:
^^ What the smart guy said.


Also, reading this, prompts a question..

If you are bi-polar, wouldn't a therapist/Dr. of mentioned it to you by now ? Even the worst therapist is usually very good at seeing signs of various problems. Usually over diagnosis is a bigger problem, then under.

Another thought,... Lets say you are 'acting' bi-polar. You can be thrown into a manner of behaviour, due to circumstances, without actually 'being' that. Maybe you are, maybe you aren`t,..I`m no doc, just a broad on a messageboard,....but I would think with the various avenues of support you have been seeking, it would of been mentioned to you ( via professionally) by now.

Final thought : Careful at adopting some self-issue to 'fix' things. I truly understand the way things can go, when you have hit what seems to be a dead-end. It can be almost as if you would happily love to know something is your fault, because then you have the power to fix it. It feels horrible when we try and try, and keep meeting the same wall.

So,..if you truly feel bi-polar, and look forward to a diagnosis that makes sense, and stabilizes you, I wish you that peace. Just be sure you aren`t 'hoping' to have found a solution to your problem via self-blame.

Don`t seek to be bi-polar in order to live up to someone else's low expectations.
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Ditto... Coming from a family of some .. Fucked up roots... This type of post can't be repeated enough.
 
KatTails said:
... turns into a huge fight. We are both worn out from it.
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For a while the fighting in my marriage got so bad that it was physically affecting us.

In retrospect - the whole disaster was not about his relationship, but about how he treated me and how he justified other people's treatment of me/our relationship.

Its beyond hard to get any perspective when you're living in it. Its like trying to dodge raindrops.

A physical, real seperation may be what you need to get perspective on your life. Determine what is healthy for YOU.

I want to reach out and hug you - I wish I were closer :(
 
marksbabygirl said:
For a while the fighting in my marriage got so bad that it was physically affecting us.

In retrospect - the whole disaster was not about his relationship, but about how he treated me and how he justified other people's treatment of me/our relationship.

Its beyond hard to get any perspective when you're living in it. Its like trying to dodge raindrops.

A physical, real seperation may be what you need to get perspective on your life. Determine what is healthy for YOU.

I want to reach out and hug you - I wish I were closer :(
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Thanks - I wish you were closer too - I could use a hug. You're right - this IS really taking a physical toll on both of us. 2rings has had chest pains, headaches, and has said he feels like he's having a stroke. I do really worry about him. I've had an upset stomach for several weeks, headaches, body aches etc. It's been extremely stressful.

We had a talk yesterday that ended in a fight. We ignored each other the rest of the night. I even texted a friend that I thought we were done for good. This morning, after I took the kids to school, we spent some time talking and for the first time in a long time no fighting. :)

He went with me to my appointment with the psychiatrist. However - her and I spent the whole time talking and he just stayed in the waiting room. We have another appointment next week. She suggested that I try taking Celexa again and to cut my Wellbutrin dosage in half. So I started that today so we'll see.

Afterwards we went to dinner with the kids and did some shopping
(bought myself some jewelry for Mothers Day!) It was nice spending the day together with no fighting. :). The kids enjoyed it too!

Tonight he is on a date with MG and I'm doing fine. Looking forward to spending the morning with my MIL and the afternoon with my family tomorrow for an early Mothers Day, then sleeping in Sunday morning and spending the day with 2rings and the kids.

I'm feeling optimistic.
 
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There was a point, in the after, that W and I were fighting yet again (the end of the relationship didn't end the problems) and it got so intense - his blood pressure dropped or went up to such a level that he lost conciousness and collapsed.

That was about the point where we both realized that what was happening was unworkable. Things had to change.

I'm so glad you're feeling optimistic.... Hold on to that.

Happy Mother's Day (a day early) to you!!
 
Thanks Jane! I hope you had a nice Mother's Day too!

I'm feeling positive and optimistic about the future. :) Will update soon.

Good night all!

:)Kat:)
 
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