I had a newbie meltdown this weekend

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Tinyblu

New member
I will try to keep this short, but I wanted to provide some background...

After numerous failed attempts at monogamous relationships, I decided to just take care of myself for a while and not date anyone. Along comes the most wonderful man I have ever met, Dion. He is attentive, sweet, kind, intelligent, and did I mention attractive? By far, this is the most amazing man I have ever been with.

He was honest with me during our first phone conversation a few months ago, and told me where he stood on open relationships.

I didn't know much about it, so I decided to read up on it and give it a try. Since then, he has been honest with me about what he's been doing, and surprisingly, I have been accepting. He told me about one other woman that he was dating seriously, Aster, and mentioned her quite often. I was OK with that. I am even OK with him talking about her and showing me pictures, etc. He has even told me when they've been together sexually (without details) and I have been fine with that. But...

This weekend was a "game changer" for me. I don't live in the same state as Dion and Aster, but he flies me in every couple of weeks and we always have a great time together. He most recently took me on an amazing vacation (which he admitted made Aster uneasy).

Anyway, as I am preparing to get ready to visit him this weekend, he calls me the night before, with Aster on three-way (no pun intended). First, I was blindsided by this, but I was cordial. Aster did seem really nice. Dion then proceeded to tell us that he would like us to meet face to face. I think I was OK with that as well. But then he sent out a two-day itinerary for the weekend, complete with movie dates, dinners, etc., for ALL THREE OF US!! That made me uneasy, but I made the mistake of not saying anything about it. First, I didn't want to seem like a whiny brat, plus I am still afraid of abandonment. I felt like if I would have expressed discomfort with the situation, I would have been dismissed.

Sorry this is long, but I need help.

So I got there Friday and they picked me up together. Even though I was not the most comfortable, I really tried to get to know Aster, and bond with her and have a good time. I'm not gonna even talk about how awkward it was to be prancing around the streets holding hands, with Dion in the middle... But I digress.

I was really trying, guys, but by the end of the day, I was ready for Aster to go home and give us some alone time. After all, she gets him all the time by being in the same state. She could have let me have some time with him for a weekend.

So after an ENTIRE day as a triad, he invited us back to his place, and wanted to have a long, deep conversation about the "relationship," complete with questions. Remember, I just met this woman and didn't really know her, so my answers were totally different than if it would have been me and Dion one-on-one.

Fast forward to bedtime... I'm sure you can guess what happened. Of course, he wanted us to have this amazing threesome. That didn't happen. In fact, both of us women were uncomfortable.

Here comes the meltdown part. Again, I am so new to this whole polyamory thing. I have admitted to Dion that I have always been bicurious and wanted to try sleeping with a woman. During our vacation, that became clear, as we had an exhilarating experience with a woman we met and both liked.

However, I was not comfortable sleeping with Aster. She's totally beautiful, but I find it hard to be sexually attracted to someone Dion has feelings for.

So initially, he tried to start having sex with me, and get her involved. She stopped and proceeded to tell us to continue. That was awkward for me. I thought she was uncomfortable with it, so I passed him off to her. Though it was less than favorable for me to be in the same bed with him having sex with someone he has feelings for, I really tried to go along with it, because I knew that was what he wanted. So they finished and he decided it was my turn. I could not climax because I was very uncomfortable. I tried my best, but it was totally different than it ever has been, and I'm sure he sensed it.

So after that "escapade," they were dozing off. I went to the bathroom. I came back to him fucking her again and REALLY enjoying it. I don't know if she got turned on watching us, or if she was competing, but they both were obviously having a good time. It absolutely gutted me. To watch him having so much pleasure with someone else he cared about made me weak in the knees. At one point, I felt like I was going to throw up from the emotional impact of it.

So, to deal with it, I did what comes naturally to me in tough emotional situations. I totally detached. I honestly had to put myself in a different headspace in order to cope, because I was stuck. It was heart wrenching.

I FINALLY went to sleep on the far end of the bed, with my back turned to them. They were snuggled up anyway. It was like I wasn't there. I fought back tears until morning.

The next day, Dion wanted us to go through our second day of the itinerary, but I couldn't do it. When I was FINALLY able to get him alone for a moment, I asked him to get me a flight back early. I also admitted to him that the night before was more than I could take and that I didn't think I would be able to handle this whole polyamory thing. Of course, I didn't get a chance to go into detail because Aster came back around.

He begged me not to leave, and apologized for putting me in the situation, but I couldn't be around it anymore. Before THEY dropped me off at the airport, he took me aside and asked me to think about things before I made any rash decisions to cut him out of my life. By then, the floodgates had opened and I was bawling my eyes out.

I don't know what to do. Even an entire day later, if I think about the sights and sounds of him fucking her that second time, I get totally emotional. It's like that image is burned in my brain, and it's killing me.

I really do have feelings for this man, but don't know if I could even sleep with him again one-on-one without that image coming to haunt me.

I asked him to give me a couple of days to process everything and we would talk later. Since then, he has been reaching out to me via text telling me to relax and that he wants me in his life...

I am so confused. I'm not angry with him or her. I am just devastated by my reaction to the weekend. Am I not cut out for this? I don't want to lose him, and I am still okay with him dating Aster... I just don't understand why I have to fuck her and hang out with her to make this work.

I really need help!!! What should I do?
 
Oh, poor baby. This isn't right.

What was he thinking?! Honestly, things like "Honey, I think it's about time we tried a threesome," should be talked about in advance and not just dropped on your lap in a hotel room in a place where you either have to get out and get a room for yourself, or just go along with it, regardless of your feelings. I do realize that you agreeing to go on a weekend trip and getting rooms together, to his mind, amounted to consent, but he should have asked anyway.

The most important thing: you don't need to be involved with her to be involved with him. It is helpful if you know and like her, but even that is not an absolute necessity (especially not if you love drama :D). Triads are an ideal many aspire to in the world of poly, but hard to come by in real life.

It seems that having met you, his fantasy life just got a hold over his real-life sensibilities, and he envisioned this full-blown three-way honeymoon that took both you and Aster by complete surprise. Being bi-curious, or even bisexual, doesn't make you automatically interested in any member of any sex, as I am sure you know (he might not, though). Many bi-curious women aren't really interested in having sex with another woman in real life, much less having a full-blown relationship with one. So telling him that you are interested in maybe exploring this side of yourself doesn't make it okay for him to start living out his own fantasies without prior negotiation with the two of you.

Put some distance between him and you. And when you feel ready (i.e., when the mental image isn't an acute source of emotional agony anymore), sit down with him and make some boundaries, if you still feel like you can, should, and want to.
 
I would note a couple of things.

1. Not everyone is cut out for group stuff. It's not natural for everyone, with everyone. In some cases, the person with the supposed reins needs to give up the control. Dion's attempt at scheduling a threesome would be annoying, at best, especially since it's all so new. How many people plan and itemiz the losing of their virginity? Not too many. There has to be a natural flow and connection, FOR EVERYONE.

2. Polyamory isn't about threesomes. It could be, it can be, and it is fun (imo), but you don't have to do threesomes to be poly.

Your meltdown, the way you describe it, seems warranted. His itinerary showed a very naive view on sex. Shockingly immature.

I have to admit I am kind of chuckling. If I'd ever tried that, in any of the situations I've been in, they never would have happened, AND I likely would have ended up slapped. :)
 
I have to admit, I am kind of chuckling. If I'd ever tried that, in any of the situations I've been in, they never would have happened, AND I likely would have ended up slapped. :)
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;) That's what my best friend said! He was like, "If this would have been ten years ago, I would be looking for bail money!!!"

I am so glad age has calmed my fiery temper!!!
 
BlackUnicorn said:
Oh poor baby. This isn't right.

What was he thinking?! Honestly, things like, "Honey, I think it's about time we tried a threesome," should be talked about in advance, not just dropped on your lap in a hotel room, in a place where you either have to get out and get a room for yourself, or just go along with it, regardless of your feelings. I do realize that you agreeing to go on a weekend trip, and getting rooms together, to his mind, amounted to consent, but he should have asked anyway.

The most important thing: you don't need to be involved with her to be involved with him. It is helpful if you know and like her, but even that is not an absolute necessity (especially not if you love drama :D). Triads are an ideal many aspire to in the world of poly, but hard to come by in real life.

It seems that having met you, his fantasy life just got a hold over his real life sensibilities and he envisioned this full-blown three-way honeymoon that took both you and Aster by complete surprise. Being bi-curious, or even bisexual, doesn't make you automatically interested in any member of any sex, as I am sure you know (he might not, though). Many bi-curious women aren't really interested in having sex with another woman in real life, much less having a full-blown relationship with one. So telling him that you are interested in maybe exploring this side of yourself doesn't make it okay for him to start living out his own fantasies without prior negotiation with the two of you.

Put some distance between him and you. And when you feel ready (i.e., when the mental image isn't an acute source of emotional agony any more), sit down with him and make some boundaries, if you still feel like you can, you want to, or you should.
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This was really helpful. I definitely still have to wrap my head around the whole situation. Unfortunately, he keeps reaching out to me and I have to keep reminding him that I need some time. Jeez, this happened Friday night! Can't I just breathe for a minute?

I do think a conversation is in order, and I have decided that I probably do want to try to work things out. Outside of this weekend's incident, this has been the most drama-free relationship I've ever been in. I think his persistence is a sign that he does at least care. He could have just dropped me off at the airport and said "To hell with it", but I do get a sense that he is genuinely apologetic and wants to work things out...
 
So, when does he ever think of you as a person and *ask* you if you'd like to try something? His hamhanded scheduling of events for you suggest he thinks of you as an accessory to his life, a toy or pet of some sort, instead of a person with the authority to make choices for yourself based on your thoughts and feelings. What an insensitive clod!

This may be a teachable moment for him. I don't see anything useful coming of it until you've had time to process and recover. I'll suggest simply telling him to back off and wait for you to contact him to discuss it. Once you're ready, then you can explain all the ways in which what he did was wrong.
 
Wow honey! This is unbeivable. He should consider himself lucky that all you did was cry. (I would have beat him upside the head)

Reading this kind of post makes me angry for two reasons. First, his whole attitude about sex seems very misogynistic. Why does he automatically assume that two women who love him are ready to a) love each other or b) do anything to please him, up to and including having a three way they didn't agree to?

The other reason is that it really sounds like this man has a very poor understanding of polyamory. Poly is about love. And how can he possibly expect you to fall head over heels in love with his OSO in less than 24 hrs?
 
I agree with all of the above.

You didn't overreact at all. You reacted to being put in a ridiculous situation.

I would definitely tell him you need a day or two to process WITHOUT contact. Set a time, if you need to, when you will call him to discuss it. Frankly, if he can't respect those wishes, there are deeper issues of control (his) lurking.

The fact that he didn't ask you about any of this is a big worry, and I would discuss this with him. Also, the fact that just because you're bicurious, or even if you're bisexual (I am), does not mean you want to have sex with every woman, and definitely doesn't mean you want to have sex with someone you JUST MET.

I'm thinking perhaps there was some concern and weirdness on her part, and in order to make things "one big family" he thought that if the two of you met and hit it off it might resolve those feelings. Misguided, definitely.

My advice would definitely be to take a couple of days, then talk with him about all of your concerns. Write them down, discuss each of them and see what he says. Then you can decide how you'd like to progress.

But definitely don't beat yourself up AT ALL about your reaction. :)
 
Wow. Seriously, polyamory does not work without a LOT of open communication, and it was unfair for Dion to attempt to spring a surprise threesome on you both, without talking to you about it in advance, without letting you have a chance to get to know Aster first. He obviously had this as his agenda as he planned your trip, but chose not to divulge his intentions. That would be a big red flag for me. At the least, he should have mentioned that he'd be interested in a triad situation, allowed you to react, and if you were amenable, perhaps just making this first trip a chance for you all to see if there was threeway chemistry.

I don't think your reaction is extreme at ALL. I would definitely take some time to process and decide whether or not you wish to continue seeing him. I think, were that to have happened to me, I would have a difficult time feeling the same way about him after that.
 
Phew. Well. I don't need to go on about how fucked up that situation was.

I am going to say, whether this relationship works out or not, you need to get a handle on some serious communication skills. Especially as you said the answers you gave to questions Dion asked were different because it wasn't just you and him talking, as Aster was present. I think poly success really needs people to give the same (honest) responses about what you think, no matter the situation, or people present.

Obviously you needed the braveness and boldness to say, "HEY, wait a minute. I'd like to talk to you in private. This 24-7 itinerary for the three of us isn't going to work. I would like some time alone with you, which is why I am here."

Of course hindsight being 20-20 and all, it sounds like a lot of honest communication really needs to happen here. I don't blame you for having the emotional reaction you did to walking in on them having great sex, but your reaction might have been just as much about the emotional roller coaster the whole thing was causing.

It is a shitty thing that they had thought about it and talked about it and had an itinerary planned, but you were left out of this and surprised with it. You didn't fly out that weekend to be invited to be in a relationship with both of them. I am guessing in general you probably can deal with their sexual relationship much more objectively, but some people don't want it in their faces, and it sounds like you need to let him know that is the case for you now.

I wouldn't say that means that polyamory is not right for you at all. I'd say being thrown into group sex with a stranger when you had no clue Dion was interested in that happening, or bothered to mention, hoping that would happen on your visit, isn't right for you.

Again, to beat a dead horse, there seem to be a dozen times in your story where you would have benefited from being honest and upfront and saying you didn't like the situation, weren't comfortable, that things were moving too fast, that you wanted to spend some time alone with him to discuss what was happening... But that is a hard thing to do for some people, especially in the middle of a tornado like that.

I don't know if you didn't speak up because the situation was SO crazy and overwhelming, because you wanted to make a good impression on her, if you were worried about not being liked if you didn't go along with the plan, if you had some sort of obligation to go along with it since he paid your way there, or what. If you are going to keep on with this relationship, I'd suggest you sit down and write down some of these things you need to say ahead of time, so you will be prepared to stick to the script, and get the difficult things said. Ask for what you want. Speak up if somebody is trampling on your boundaries or feelings.

Wishing you luck. It sounds like you have something with him you hope is working out, so I hope you're able to sort this all out.
 
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Anneintherain said:
You needed the braveness and boldness to say, "HEY, wait a minute, I'd like to talk to you in private. This 24-7 itinerary for the three of us isn't going to work, I would like some time alone with you, which is why I am here." Of course hindsight being 20-20 and all, it sounds like a lot of honest communication really needs to happen here. I don't blame you for having the emotional reaction you did to walking in on them having great sex, but your reaction might have been just as much about the emotional roller coaster the whole thing was causing.
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You're absolutely right. I should have spoken up way before I let things progress that far. The OSO seemed to be uncomfortable as well (this is her first attempt at poly as well), but neither of us said anything. Honestly, I would have been OK with meeting her and spending the day together, but would have preferred to have the nights with him. After all, she has him all the time... is that selfish?
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Anneintherain said:
Again, to beat a dead horse - there seem to be a dozen times in your story where you would have benefited from being honest and upfront and saying you didn't like the situation, weren't comfortable, that things were moving too fast, that you wanted to spend some time alone with him to discuss what was happening... Hard thing to do for some people, especially in the middle of a tornado like that.

I don't know if you didn't speak up because the situation was SO crazy and overwhelming, because you wanted to make a good impression on her, if you were worried about not being liked if you didn't go along with the plan,
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All true here. I was concerned that me voicing my discomfort would be an indication that I am not open minded enough for the relationship which is not the case. I just need time to process things...
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Anneintherain said:
If you are going to keep on with this relationship, I'd suggest you write down some of these things you need to say ahead of time, so you will be prepared to stick to the script, and get the difficult things said. Ask for what you want. Speak up if somebody is trampling on your boundaries or feelings. It sounds like you have something with him you hope are working out, so I hope you're able to sort this all out.
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This was such good advice! He has backed off and let me have my time to think. In the meantime, I am sure he has spoken with Aster about the situation.

I have realized that:

1) If I am going to travel to see him, I will NEED one-on-one time with him. If he wants to have dinner or something with all three of us from time to time, that's fine, but I don't see why we have to be bosom buddies.

2) I am not opposed to exploring my curiosity about women with someone he is not emotionally attached to. I already know that I can't deal with watching him have sex with Aster in my presence. I am aware of it, but I don't need to see it. Does that go against "true polyamory"?

3) He should not have forced his fantasy on either of us so quickly. I am not saying that I may not grow to like, respect, maybe even love her at some point, but I need to do things on my own time.

Now my only concern is trying to get the images and sounds of them making love right next to me out of my brain. I think it's going to affect my sexual encounters with him in the future. The memories don't drive me to tears anymore, but they still sting. :eek:
 
Tinyblu said:
This was such good advice! He has backed off and let me have my time to think. In the meantime, I am sure he has spoken with his OSO about the situation.

I have realized that:

1) If I am going to travel to see him, I will NEED one on one time with him. If he wants to have a dinner or something with all three of us from time to time, that's fine, but I don't see why we have to be bosom buddies

2) I am not opposed to exploring my curiosity about women with someone he is not emotionally attached to. I already know that I can't deal with watching him have sex with his OSO in my presence. I am aware of it, but I don't need to see it (does that go against true polyamorism?)

3) He should not have forced his fantasy on either of us so quickly. I am not saying that I may not grow to like or respect (maybe love) her at some point, but I need to do things on my own time...

Now my only concern is trying to get the images and sounds of them making love right next to me out of my brain. I think it's going to effect my sexual encounters with him in the future. The memories don't drive me to tears anymore, but they still sting.
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It's good that you're getting some time. You seem to have figured out some of your needs in a very straightforward way! :) That's awesome.

Not being able to watch, hear and see them having sex does not mean you are not polyamorous. And there isn't a true polyamory. There is what works for the people involved in each individual relationship.

I have a hard time watching my baby with someone else, unless it's someone we are both involved with, and there's mutual affection and respect. This has only happened once. I've been in the same position with someone where there wasn't that mutual thing, and it sucked ass. I felt horrible, because I could sense that there was no attraction between us, and it wasn't handled honestly. It really depends on the situation, the timing, the people and your experience in general.

I think you have got a good plan, and really the only way to see if it passes, is... well, to wait and see if it passes! It's only been a few days, though. Perhaps after speaking with him about this and some time passing and another experience just with him, you can relegate this to bad judgment and learn and grow from it. If not, that's okay too.

Standing up for yourself, your wants, your needs and your limits by no means makes you not open-minded. It makes you a strong, independent human being. It's a good thing.
 
I've only really had time to skim these posts here, so I won't yet have much to say. What I did want to say is it's very nice to see the emotional intelligence reflected in some of the responses. There are a lot of folks "out there" who treat sex so very lightly. And it seems to me quite immature and irresponsible to treat it lightly. Not that it can't or shouldn't be light--it should. No one enjoys heavy in that arena. It is play. But it is serious play. Respect and kindness, and good timing, are called for.
 
Tinyblu said:
I already know that I can't deal with watching him have sex with Aster in my presence. I am aware of it, but I don't need to see it. Does that go against "true polyamory"?
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I consider myself somewhat kinky, but my husband isn't. The one "kink" he has enjoyed in his life happens to be group sex. I have no interest (at least not in the 8 years since trying any poly relationship in the first place) in group sex, except for fantasies.

I don't have any interest in watching him or anybody have sex, whether he loves them or not. No interest in having sex in front of others. I don't consider that stuff to have anything do with poly. I consider sex mostly a private thing. I also don't consider it non-poly of me to be consumed with jealousy now and again at the thought of him being intimate with somebody else, as long as I feel compersion other times.

I really think it's great you do have a clear idea what you want to ask him. I hope he's either realized, or will quickly realize, that everybody involved has needs they want met. I personally might start an email correspondence with Aster (though maybe you wouldn't think it's needed yet) and let HER know that she is nice and all, but you aren't interested in that now, that you'd love to spend time with her sometimes, but that, if possible, you'd like alone time with Dion.

If she is as uncomfortable as you think she was, she'd probably be grateful to know you're both on the same page, and maybe that will help everybody lay out their boundaries to Dion. I think his communication skills might need a lot of work. So in this case, if I were in your shoes, I would want to be making sure I communicated directly with Aster, to get information first hand, until I felt he was accurately aware of both of our wants and needs, so no situations like that occurred again. Normally I wouldn't do that, but I figured if I've been in bed naked with somebody, it's ok for me to email them. ;)
 
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