Husband crossed boundary and now I'm hurt and don't know what to do

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Overthinker

New member
Hi,

Just like a lot of others here, I have been lurking for a while but have never posted. But of course I have a dilemma and would like some other opinions on it.

Let's begin with some background. My husband Bob and I have been in a quad relationship for about 7 months now with another married couple that we have been friends with for almost 2 years (Ted and Alice). Of course, we have had ups and downs. We are just trying to live this day by day.

My issue today is that I found out that Bob broke a boundary we had, and I feel very hurt by it. We had agreed specifically that neither one of us would send any sexual pics to our OSO's unless we had sent them already to each other (spouses first), and at least asked or notified each other when we do send something like that. Well, I found out today that he sent a very explicit video to Alice yesterday and never sent it to me. And to top things off, it was a type of video that he hasn't sent to me EVER, even though I have asked him to in the past and recently.

I sent him a general text today asking if we still had the boundary about the pics and he called me shortly later. I asked him about the boundary, and he told me that he would just like to know if I send Ted a sexual pic, but he didn't care about it. I asked him if he would keep his part of the bargain. He said of course. He had just been too busy lately to send me anything, when I commented I haven't gotten anything fun from him in a while. So I feel that I gave him a way to admit that he sent her that video, but he didn't.

I found out that this happened from doing little snooping, which I know I shouldn't be doing. I should just trust whatever their relationship is, and that it is theirs.

Bob would flip out if he knew how I found out. I haven't told him that I know about it. I also discovered that before he called me about it he called Alice, for whatever reason, but it was probably to tell her what I texted and asking her what to do about it.

Bob and I have been doing a lot of talking about eliminating some boundaries and letting things just evolve on their own, little things, like we don't have to ask permission to go to lunch with our OSO's, and don't necessarily have to mention if we have a drink with them after work, or if they stop by the house for a few while the other spouse isn't home. So I don't know if I am just being petty about this or not.

I just feel hurt that he didn't 'fess up, and that he didn't send it to me, and he sent it to Alice, when he has never done anything like that before. I want to trust him and not be snooping around, but finding things like this don't help out at all.

Any ideas or advice would help out a lot. Thanks.
 
Hi Overthinker,

I'm an overthinker too.

It's getting messy, isn't it? Any relationship is only as good as the honesty that holds it up, and that's even more true of polyamorous relationships. How can you release boundaries if you're both lying to each other? If you want this relationship to work moving forward, it will have to be squeaky clean.

I don't believe there is anything wrong with checking up on partners from time to time. I use my partner's iPad for research and will sometimes scroll through his emails. I told him I do it. He was initially a bit surprised. But if he has nothing to hide, he has nothing to hide.

I have nothing to hide, and it feels very liberating after a very dishonest marriage. If he asked me not to for any particular reason, we would discuss it, and if his reasons were valid I would respect his wishes. I have only arrived at this point, however, because he has proved himself very, very trustworthy. Trust doesn't just happen. It is earned, especially after previous dishonesty.

These things that come up are opportunities for your relationship to grow, but they are more than that. They are the things that will make or break your relationship in the end.
 
Thanks, Sage. I really wish I didn't have the urge to check in on him, but I do. When he has found out about it in the past, he has became very very angry. Although I want to bring this up with him, and let him know how much I do know, I really don't want to rock the boat. There have been some stressful things about our situation. I think if he found out I'd been snooping, he would just throw in the towel and say he is done with the relationships; which is something I don't want to have happen.

When it comes down to it, if he would have only sent it to me too, then I wouldn't be feeling this way at all. But now it makes me think that they are being sneaky and makes me wonder what other boundaries or things they are doing, or have done, behind my back.
 
It sounds like you are in a quad relationship to try and make an otherwise struggling relationship work. Good luck with that. Sorry if that sounds harsh. My heart goes out to you. I can't even suggest where to start. Can you see that this issue is like the tip of the iceberg?
 
I'd suggest worrying more about your snooping, and the issues driving it. And then figure out how to apologize to him. Then you can worry about him sending videos to his OSO. Were my wife to go snooping in my emails, phone, whatever, that's when I'd know it was time to leave.
 
lol AT's response just shows how different relationships are and how they are reflections of the people in them. I wouldn't want to be with someone who needed to keep secrets and had parts of his life closed off to me. Of course, I would respect specific sensitive issues. But generally for me, having parts of his life where I was excluded would be like living in a house that had locked rooms.

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
 
I never snooped until I realised Karma was hiding things. I have never had an issue with privacy. He's my husband and I hide nothing from him. He knows all my passwords and knows he can look whenever. My big red flag was when his passwords changed and he had issues with giving me the new ones. To me, that means there was something to hide. Which there was.

Now that everything is in the open, I have all his passwords again. He still has privacy triggers from how he was raised, so we agreed I can look whenever I want, I just need to ask first.

I think you and your hubby need to have a serious talk about the boundaries and why they were set. Let him know what you found and why it upset you.

Most likely he doesn't see the boundary as an issue, so instead of causing drama, he went ahead and did it and didn't say anything to you.

I don't think what he did was right, but you two need to figure out what to do about it and why it was done.
 
Wow, this is a tough situation overall.

I think that first thing that really stands out to me in your post is that you didn't state why you went snooping in the first place. What triggered that?

It sounds like there are already underlying trust issues on your part, which means there are likely similar issues on his side, which is probably why he didn't tell you about the video or admit to having sent it in the first place.

May I ask how your relationship was doing prior to starting a quad?

In no way do I mean to sound judgmental, but I do know that many people turn to poly relationships when their own mono relationship is falling apart or seriously damaged in some area.

Poly is not a band-aid. If anything, it is a higher-stress environment. So if your relationship with your hubby wasn't already strong and stable when you entered into the quad, then what's happening is likely just a reemerging of pre-existing issues.

Even if that isn't the case, however, I think it might be time for you and your husband to take a "just us" month or two and make sure you have worked out every aspect of your own relationship. The danger in not doing that is that if this situation isn't dealt with in honest, open, heartfelt communication, then it may get worse. And if it does that, it will almost certainly drag the other half of your quad into the tangle, and that is not fair to them, nor healthy for all the interconnected relationships.
 
All issues about trust and snooping aside, just wanted to add my initial reaction to emailing sexually explicit pics and videos. I don't think this is ever a good idea. No matter what the relationship, you never know if someone somewhere who shouldn't have access somehow finds a way, and then that shit winds up all over the internet. Just sayin'. Be very careful of what you send to anyone!
 
nycindie said:
All issues about trust and snooping aside, just wanted to add my initial reaction to emailing sexually explicit pics and videos. I don't think this is ever a good idea. No matter what the relationship, you never know if someone somewhere who shouldn't have access somehow finds a way, and then that shit winds up all over the internet. Just sayin'. Be very careful of what you send to anyone!
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I agree; although I have sent some of those through email and cell-phone myself, I am aware of the possible repercussions. However I must say, I have very little to lose if the internet sees me naked!
 
To begin with, our marriage was actually at one of the best places it could be when we all started this and it has strengthened since. We've been married almost 12 years and together for 17. Even taking in consideration what this post is is all about, our communication and openness is the best it has ever been, and we feel that we can be more of who we truly are with each other. Since this is all still fairly new, we do have to work on jealousy issues from time to time, as well as all the other things that come with poly, such as-time management issues, etc.

I know I shouldn't snoop, but I did, and I can't take it back. There have been several triggers over the past couple months that make me think that Bob and Alice haven't been following some boundaries, and I have found some of my suspicions to be true. Simple things, such as Alice calling Bob while she was on vacation out of state with Ted and their family, even though Ted specifically asked her not to.

I know that there are underlying issues. I've really had a hard time trusting Alice. Of course she influences Bob in their relationship and it just trickles down. Alice doesn't work in the summer, so she now has a lot of time on her hands. The other three of us work during the day, but Bob's schedule is pretty flexible. Needless to say, this happened the first day she was off. I have really tried to let their relationship go wherever they want it to go, and strive for compersion, but I have to admit I have good days and bad days.

I don't know what triggered me to look today. It was just a feeling. I try to respect Bob's privacy, but sometimes I just feel that he is hiding things from me. I have told him at any time that he can grab my cell phone and go through it because I have nothing to hide from him. But he refuses to let me to look at anything he may be sending or receiving. It just makes me very curious what he is hiding. He can be so honest most of the time, and with all of this, there is no reason to hide anything.

As for sending pics and whatnot, I am aware of what the consequences could be. We try not to make it a habit, and everything is done by cell. But sometimes it's a way to stay connected and keep things fun. ;)

Thanks again for all the input.
 
Overthinker said:
I have told Bob he can grab my cell phone anytime and go through it, because I have nothing to hide from him. But he refuses me to look at anything he may be sending or receiving. It just makes me very curious what he is hiding. He can be so honest most of the time, and with all of this, there is no reason to hide anything.
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I don't overstep any boundaries we have, but if Indigo asked to look through my correspondence, I would be annoyed and insulted.

So, that behaviour alone isn't necessarily reason for suspicion.
 
TruckerPete said:
I don't overstep any boundaries we have, but if Indigo asked to look through my correspondence, I would be annoyed and insulted.

So, that behaviour alone isn't necessarily reason for suspicion.
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I agree that it isn't in itself a reason to be suspicious. I haven't ever asked or demanded to see things. He has told me that he doesn't want me to see. But I wish he were more open and could just lay everything on the table. It's not like I want to know every little detail about their relationship. Believe me when I say that. I just don't want there to be secrets or boundaries crossed.

Thanks.
 
I have no issues with LT reading my texts or e-mails. Why? Because I have broken boundaries in the past. So I have a track record of being naughty. She is within her rights to be suspicious. It helps to keep me honest, and in MY mind, I deserve that. LT rarely ever checks up on me anymore, though. But I haven't given her any reason to, in the last few years, either. So I've learned my lesson and have kept EVERYTHING aboveboard.

So, did your hubby have a track record of breaking the boundaries? If not, then WHY were you snooping? (Not that it was "wrong" of you.)

Also, keep an open mind, and gently let him know that you know about it. You keeping silent about that is almost as bad as him doing it.

Just my 2 cents.
 
Overthinker said:
We had agreed specifically that neither one of us would send any sexual pics to our OSO's unless we had sent them already to each other (spouses first).

I found out that this happened from doing little snooping. Bob would flip out if he knew how I found out. I haven't told him that I know about it. Bob and I have been doing a lot of talking about eliminating some boundaries and letting things just evolve on their own. I don't know if I am just being petty about this or not. I want to trust him and not be snooping around, but finding things like this doesn't help.
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After some time in relationship dynamics that are about more than two people, having secondaries can get tiring. The rules and boundaries become a ball and chain, rather than a pillar of primary relationship strength. Actually, in cases like yours, they become a burden, and even damaging.

You shouldn't have snooped, but asked to see about changing the boundaries. Bob shouldn't have broken a boundary, but should have asked it to be changed. Really, all of you should have privacy within your relationships, by the sounds of it. It's time, I think.

He might've never sent you a video like that, but you have a different relationship with him. He feels comfortable sending stuff to her. Either you can snoop and pry and get your feelings hurt around that, but know about it, or leave it alone and build more trust and confidence that you like such videos. Which do you think is a better choice?

Yes, you are being petty, at least, that is how I would feel in your situation. Now Bob will be angry with you, and you are already hurt. I think you should keep it to yourself and not do it again. Let go of the "boundary." Actually it is more of a rule or an agreement, as there is no negotiating, you either do it or you don't. I suggest you tell him he can send all the dirty pictures he wants. Give him his freedom and likely you will have yours, as well.

All the stuff about who is meeting when, and for how long or whatever, I would get that out too. They are more boundaries that are not functioning for you anymore. Time to spring clean, no? Renegotiate some new boundaries, and get on it quicker next time, before you feel forced to snoop. Boundaries are to be discussed, not policed, I think.

AutumnalTone said:
Were my wife to go snooping in my email/phone/whatever, that's when I know it would be time to leave.
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Yeah, me too. I would find it very hard to tolerate anyone that snoops on me. Even a partner. I have very little privacy as it is, and what is mine to keep as private, is mine. If I found out anyone was looking at my stuff, I would be very angry. I have nothing to hide, but it is a matter of principle. Everyone deserves privacy and the right to have their own things going on and own space.

If a partner, or anyone else, were interested in what goes on for me, I would expect them to ask and give me the courtesy of telling them everything. I like to show people my stuff. It makes me feel like they care about me and are interested in my life. If I knew they snooped, it would not equal caring; it would equal lack of trust.

I can understand your concern about him breaking boundaries and not telling you everything, but seriously, the boundaries you have would make me not be able to breathe at the point you all seem to be at. They are like a list of rules that suit you and not him.

Boundaries are better as an agreed-upon fluid list of general agreements that are not set in stone, but known and understood as common values, like, considering what the other's needs are before making plans together, considering what someone is doing before calling them, considering that the person might need a check-in. (Like, if you on holiday, make a call when you get a chance to let them know you care.) Let them know you care

Boundaries are not one-sided, to suit one person. Those are rules, I think. They are meant to be for everyone. If someone agrees to something that is not working for them, the negotiation needs to continue.
 
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redpepper said:
Yup, me too. I will no tolerate anyone that snoops on me. Even a partner. I have very little privacy as it is, and what is mine to keep as private, is mine. If I foundd out anyone was looking at my stuff, I would be very angry. I have nothing to hide, but it is a matter of principle. Everyone deserves privacy.
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Ditto.
 
My marriage was never perfect, but one thing we always gave each other was privacy. Even if I told my hubs to go into my handbag to get something out of it, he would bring it to me instead, because he didn't feel comfortable looking inside, even with my permission. He still has boxes of stuff here, which I know are old photographs, letters, and whatnot (only because I've seen him go through them), but I haven't ever snooped.

If I had issues with something, or suspected him of anything (which actually rarely happened after the first year), I would ask him what was going on. The only thing he ever hid from me, quite well I might add, was the depth of his unhappiness in the last two years of our marriage. And I think I must've known, because I would think about asking to talk to him, and then stop myself, I guess so I wouldn't have to hear the painful truth.

But I know he was trustworthy in so many ways, a stand-up guy, and therefore I also totally trusted that he never cheated on me or did anything dastardly. I know in my heart there was never any reason to distrust him. We communicated pretty well until the end.

My point is that there was never any need to snoop in over ten years because trust goes a long way. I think a lot of that went hand in hand with giving each other privacy and space.
 
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AutumnalTone said:
I'd suggest worrying more about your snooping and the issues driving it. And then figure out how to apologize to him. Then you can worry about him sending videos to his OSO.

Were my wife to go snooping in my emails, phone, that's when I know it would be time to leave.
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I agree with this. Everyone is entitled to feel like a free and private human being, regardless of whether they have something to hide or not.

Overthinker, I'm having a hard time empathizing with your being upset about the naughty video--that doesn't make it invalid, it's just that from my vantage point, the relationship Bob has with Alice is different from yours and therefore, the dynamic is arranged to satisfy different needs. If every relationship dynamic were the same, we'd all have few reasons to embrace poly and love would be fucking boring.

Maybe Bob just doesn't feel in the naughty video way with you. But YOU are sharing things that Alice can not.

I'm not you and I don't have a lot of experience, but I would let go of the "me first" video rule, and try to figure out how to satisfy or address whatever need you have that would alleviate your discomfort with letting it go.
 
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