Broken trust, opportunity, or both?

YGirl said:
That has been tried and it didn't work out.

But since it is mentioned above, I would like to point out that Mono said it wasn't a TYPICAL polyamorous relationship. While I have been arguing that terminology is a GOOD thing, the rest of you have been arguing "Do we have the right to tell the OP that his relationship "is" or "is not" poly"? That stemmed from Mono's response in search of clarification. If you READ Mono's POST, the word "typical" qualifies that statement.

Mono says it's not a TYPICAL poly relationship. He did not say "You DO NOT HAVE a poly relationship." That's when the OP got all "Maybe I'm not on YOUR LEVEL, snark snark," and started with the Wiki definitions. Then he says he's not the one who started discussing terminology. Of course, this is his thread, so he can throw out anything for discussion, but if someone else chooses to run with it, it's somehow not acceptable?

I swear, sometimes people don't realize that what was written by others is STILL UP THERE for reference.
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But prior to this post he already apologized for the miscommunication, so why drag it out?
 
Ceoli said:
The flaw is not in the term itself. It's in trying to apply a very broad umbrella term to define very specific relationship structures. The problem is in using the term to make assumptions. Which is why people shouldn't take such stock in calling or judging someone else's relationship as poly or not or even saying that their relationship is a "typical poly relationship" (which can fairly be interpreted as a judgement even if the intention wasn't to judge). Simply because two different kinds of relationships are being described under the same broad umbrella term, that doesn't automatically mean they should be compared to each other.

It's like saying a person who's married is more monogamous than a person who's dating. And then the married person taking offense or being hurt that the dating person is also describing their relationship as monogamous. And then a bunch of people jumping down that dating person's throat for bringing up that definitions can be broad. At least that's how I see it.
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Funny you should say that. I was thinking it as I read the posts. On another board I've frequented for years, this comes up every few months in exactly that way and it really does leave me rolling my eyes.

Mono, your relationship is poly, just not the same as some other poly people. Just like I am married, even though I have a boyfriend too. My sister is married, even though she is monogamous, as is her husband.

It's all good. We just have to all take a breath and use the chance to learn about someone else's experience, ideas, life, instead of worrying that an unknow stranger online and their different ideas might be a threat to us.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
LovingRadiance said:
Mono, your relationship is poly, just not the same as some other poly people.[/ QUOTE]

I'm black and white. One night stands are not poly. There's no give in this for me. But again, I digress. It's just a word.
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Just to put this in perspective (not to attack you) there are a lot of monogamous people with their black-and-white definitions out there who would also say you're not monogamous in your current relationship structure.

This is where it's great to add the qualifier, "for myself" when using such definitions.
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Ceoli said:
MonoVCPHG said:
Just to put this in perspective (not to attack you) there are a lot of monogamous people with their black and white definitions out there who would also say you're not monogamous in your current relationship structure.

This is where it's great to add the qualifier, "for myself" when using such definitions.
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Fair enough...One night stands are not poly...for myself...you win.
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Mono, they aren't to me, either. But love to me, and love to Maca have different definitions. Heck, we have different definitions of good/bad, right/wrong, friendship, forever, all sorts of things.

In real life, I tend to be pretty anal-retentive about definitions. But what do I care if all of you disagree with me? I have enough to contend with in real life, you know?

Really Mono, you remind me so much of C that I imagine in real life we would agree very much on many points. But for the purpose of the board, I let myself go with my innate natural enjoyment of debating many options/possibilities. I find that helps me to more concretely decide what I do/don't believe, because I get a fuller idea of each topic.
 
I think I love all of you guys!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sorry, but it's so entertaining to read through all the different thoughts and ideas and perspectives!
 
LovingRadiance said:
I find that helps me to more concretely decide what I do/don't believe, because I get a fuller idea of each topic.
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This is very true!

And as a side note, I'd like to congratulate esedkudiln on creating one of the most active threads in a long time! Wow!
 
No kidding, Mono. He got everyone's mind working today and personally I like a good mind! Much more intoxicating than dumb ones.
 
I love you too, Lovingradiance! *hugs* And all of you, actually. I needed support and you gave it to me. I'm very grateful. I need my opinions pushed and you all do that. I'm grateful for that, too.
 
RP, your story has been so reassuring. I'm sure that sounds wrong. But sometimes it feels like I live in a world other than the one I think I see around me! Hearing you and Mono talk about the good things and the bad things you are dealing with has really helped me put some perspective on my own life!

:D;)
 
Ceoli said:
All of these things could very well be poly. It may not be HEALTHY, but it can still be poly. Poly people cheat. Poly people sometimes don't communicate well. Poly people screw up. Being poly isn't about subscribing to a set of prerequisites or rules or standards. It's about a certain structure of relationships. There are lots of ideals that are held up as poly ideals- open communication, loving connections, radical honesty etc. These are not ideals exclusive to poly relationships. These are ideals to healthy relationships. Not all healthy relationships are poly and not all poly relationships are healthy.

<snip>

Poly is just a word, not a religion.
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My poly is not your poly. Amen Sista!

LovingRadiance said:
I appreciate your taking time to apologize for being taken wrong. I think that maybe with a little time and patience you will find that in fact the people who replied to you are very kind, considerate people. You just managed to find the exactly wrong button at the exactly wrong time.
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Nail...head...you know.


LovingRadiance said:
It's all good-we just have to all take a breath and use the chance to learn about someone else's experience, ideas, life-instead of worrying that an unknow stranger online and their different ideas might be a threat to ourselves. :)
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Fantastic plan...maybe a few hours overdue.


MonoVCPHG said:
And as a side note I'd like to congradulate esedkudiln on creating one of the most active threads in along time!!
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Yes...very active thread and mostly managed to entirely miss addressing his original question...which after everyone has had a chance to take a deep breath, maybe a nap or a good night's sleep, we'll be able to refocus on the issue he actually asked about...

If I paraphrase this properly, I think the questions were something to the effect of:
She broke with her intentions, but not the jointly agreed upon rules...is this a problem?
She did what she did for herself instead of him, she doesn't want to share the details. Did this affect the sex afterwards?
Should he be upset with her for any of it? Does she want him to be?

esedkudiln:
I don't have time to get into this in detail, nor do I have any great enlightenments in the matter, but I'll offer the following to add to the discussion, and hopefully put it back on track...

She doesn't want to share, and you acknowledge that she did it for herself and not you, and she's right to do so. I have had a similar conversation with my SO wrt her gf. I'd like to hear the details...but they're not for me. It's for them. Likewise, she doesn't share the details of us with the gf. If I ask for TMI she puts me in my place fairly quickly.

So, questions to possibly ask yourself, and her:
- Is her sexual freedom in the relationship for her pleasure/freedom? Or is it for your ego?
- Between the delays in telling you about the encounter, and possibly her reluctance to share...does she harbour some guilt or regret about the encounter? Where might that be coming from? Would it be easier for her if you were mad at her in a traditional jealous SO sense? (This is in terms of societies traditional scripts that most people have been conditioned with)

There is also the obeservation you made yourself where communication is difficult. I don't know about the LD, drunkeness, or any of the rest, but almost everyone here will generally agree on Communication, Communication, Communication! LD or not, work or not, you'll need to make the time to communicate about it and figure out the problem and the solution.

Frankly if you aren't upset about anything and there's no trust lost in the relationship, then it might just be that there isn't a problem to resolve. It could be that her reluctance to discuss is just the simple morning after regret some people have after spending a drunken evening making out with the wrong person on the dance floor.

Anyways, some stuff to chew on for a while.

Cheers.
 
Jesus H. Christ on a crutch and his Mother Mary-- what was all that about?!?!

Ceoli and others, thank you for saving me some typing. :)

To the OP (whose name does not come easily to mind and I don't want to page back for it, lol), welcome, and I hope you hang around a while and learn that those responses are not typical here.

Polyamory-- two roots (from different languages, lol) meaning "many loves." So there's no debate about what the WORD means.

There seems to be an issue with:
1. How it's used, and
2. The definition of love (as mentioned by another member previously).

Re 1) people in this community tend to be defensive of the use of the term we've adopted, because many of us who are not into the common definition of "open relationship" or "swinging" are tired of people assuming that's what we're about. Again, pointed out by a previous post. IMNSHO, that doesn't mean the application of the term is wrong when applied to those lifestyles as well, because 2 is a valid issue as well.

2) People think differently about love and about relationships. If two people get very close over the course of a one-night stand and it's not just a "fuck and chuck," is that not just a really short-term relationship? How about a long-term relationship that has almost no feeling in it, and is about exclusive fucking? Is that really a relationship, or an extended one-night stand? And so on.

And that's where the OP is CORRECT in telling Ygirl that they agree. Sorry, Ygirl, I love ya, but he's got you there. lol

There is no common definition; the Wiki or Webster (if it ever makes in there, lol) definition is loose and includes what many of the more "possessive" (of the term I mean) members here would call inaccurate inclusions. Yet jumping up someone's ass and saying they're inaccurate BECAUSE YOU FEEL IT IS SO does NOT make that true!

I propose a new term for our community-- poly-monogamous. lol We throw around "polyfidelitous," which hasn't been mentioned here, oddly enough, since the people "defending" polyamorous are using the "definition" of PF to decry the supposed misuse of PA.

This is fun. lol

On topic, though, OP, there are a lot of good recommendations and some good advice in all that mess. There are two likely reasons for her state of mind-- one being she is really uncomfortable with what happened, because to some extent she didn't like it, etc., and the other is that she is uncomfortable with it because she DID like it, and hasn't wrapped her head around the fact that she finds herself feeling differently than she thought. (You already covered that yourself, really.)

Ask her to talk about her feelings on what happened, and bring up exactly what I wrote above. You want to know if her discomfort is one or the other, and if it's the second, you want to help her understand what is a very confusing thing for her.

Best of luck, and again, welcome! I, for one, really hope you stick around! :)
 
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