Peace and joy and love

MonoVCPHG said:
Hair shirt and crusader furry!
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Ummm fury perhaps? Crusader furry though would be all kinds of kinky ;) But thanks to the internet there is a picture for everything!
 

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Wow, what a weekend. It's been a busy one but somehow I've come out of it completely refreshed and ready to take on everything that needs taking on. I think maybe it has come from taking the weekend to do things that I really wanted to do. I think it's also helped that for the most part I've only had to be responsible for myself this weekend. It was a much needed break from being the caregiver.

I got to spend the night with RP last night. She is such a wonderful, beautiful and caring person. (Mental note: I must tell her things like that more often :)) I feel so fortunate to have her in my life. I'm also very fortunate to be completly at ease with Mono and PN. Everything is just comfortable in their house. How did I get so lucky?

I had a couple of hours of quiet time with my husband this afternoon before he headed out for work again and now I'm by myself in the house taking care of me (which tonight consisted of hot tub time and some ice cream). The hot tub was to help ease some sore muscles from a couple of pretty intense derby games yesterday and the ice cream is just because I like ice cream. I think I might actually be ready to go back to work in the morning. :D
 
I've been so overwhelmed with life lately that I'm sucking at connecting with my partners. I don't like feeling this way. I want to be engaged and fun and fun to be with. It's just one more area of my life that I don't feel like I'm measuring up in. I can't stay on top of everything at work that I'm asked to do and do a good job of it. I can't stay on top of the housework and be a good housekeeper and now my relationships are suffering too because I don't have it in me lately to give 100%.

For the last couple of weeks I've just felt all used up. I'm trying to be kind to myself and to take care of myself but it keeps falling to the bottom of the list. I know that I can't take care of other people properly unless I take care of myself first. I'm just not sure what taking care of myself looks like at the moment.

On the bright side RP took me to a play this afternoon. It was good for my soul to sit and hold hands and have a laugh. I love live theater. I wish our time together had been longer though. (But then again I always wish our time together was longer).

It's going to be vacation time soon. I think that while I'm on vacation I'm going to do something everyday for me, by myself. Once we work out what we're doing in general I'll work on my game plan :).

This too shall pass...
 
I'm working on self care. Yesterday I kept the sitter for an extra hour when I got home so that I could get some things done around the house without interruption. Today I had derby and then came home and had a bath and a bowl of fresh fruit. I'm feeling better today in general. There's still too much to do and to little time but taking care of myself is important too.
 
I went to our local poly camp this past weekend. It's the third one I've been to. This year it was a lot different than it has been in previous years. In the past it has been a very family friendly event with families of all shapes and sizes and all ages of children attending. It's one of the few events in the year that facilitate the kids meeting each other and developing their own support group.

This year it was very much about the adults. There was a large clothing optional area where some of the workshops (not with adult content) were held. So for the 2 families with small children we were unable to attend those workshops at the risk of having our children come and find us and making the people who were undressed uncomfortable because there were children around.

I totally understand having workshops of an adult nature (such as BDSM) in the adults only area but workshops on crafting and dating should really have been held somewhere that everyone could comfortably attend.

ETA a bit about what the previous years of camping were like. The last 2 camps that we went on had both adult and child components. There were things planned for the kids during the workshop times so that the adults could attend the workshops. It was also just one big camp, with no segregation of clothed and unclothed. It felt much more like a cohesive community than the camp this time around.

Another thing that I would like to add is that if there is going to be a clothing optional area that it should be in an area that is fenced off in some way from the rest of the campers. There were members of the general public who just happened to pass through the camp on their way to a trail and they got an eyeful of something they weren't expecting. It also goes for anyone else who happens to be there though, clothing optional should be a choice to partake in and to witness. END EDIT

I have to be honest and say that the vibe this year was very much geared towards the single dating poly side of things. It made me feel a little like an outsider and that my way of living poly isn't the right way. I'm not terribly free with my body, never have been, likely never will be and I don't want to feel that to fit in and socialize that I have to be ready to disrobe and available to hook up with someone if the situation happens to present it's self. Maybe that makes me a prude I don't know.

I wrote a letter to one of the organizers because she asked for feedback. The letter has pretty much what I've said here in it. I'm worried that because of feeling this way I will be ostracized by the community. I felt that I had to speak though. Sometimes it feels like if you don't want to date/sleep with everyone in the core organizational crowd that you're not worth socializing with. In some ways it feels a lot like high school.

I do realize that a lot of this is my own stuff that I'm carrying around left over from wanting to fit in in school. I need to change my focus now and focus on all the positive in my life. I'm not willing to compromise myself and who I am at the core to fit in. It would leave me empty and I would regret it. There are plenty of people in my life who do enjoy being around me and who do want to know me simply to know me and not just because they might get into my pants!
 
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Derbylicious said:
Sometimes it feels like if you don't want to date/sleep with everyone in the core organizational crowd that you're not worth socializing with.
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This seems to be a trait that a lot of large groups have. It's sad and annoying and I've left a lot of things I enjoy because I wasn't listened to because I wasn't screwing those in charge.

And while I love nudity in the privacy of my own home, I can't blame you or anyone else for being uncomfortable. Karma and I warn new friends to not just drop by without calling cuz they may be seeing more than they want to.

It's good you wrote to the organizors and I hope it does make some sense to people and some changes are made. We've talked about going to something like this on and off, but like Karma just said to me-"I'd rather go to a group camp with the people we talk on here, where we can meet the people we've come to care about and not have to worry about who's trying to hook up with who." I want to go because I want to explore topics further, learn more, meet the people behind the computer screen. I'm not interested in an orgy or being made to feel bad because that's not how I poly. I'm sorry you were, and I really hope they take what you had to say into consideration.
 
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My guess is that you are left with residual psychic sludge that was just "in the air" there. There were probably a lot of people there who didn't feel like they fit in, and didn't want to get undressed, but who did it anyway because they thought that they would then feel like they fit in. Likely lots of uncomfortable folks comparing themselves, hoping to be seen as "open-minded," and seeking approval. When people who flaunt that kind of stuff create an energy that leaves others around them feeling icky about themselves or the situation, it usually means that those people are more insecure and unsure of themselves than everyone else. I get the sense that before you were kind of immersed in that environment, you were perfectly fine with yourself. Shake it off, it isn't your stuff! If you're into smudging or some other way to get rid of toxic energy, I bet you'd feel a lot better. How about treating yourself to a nice herbal face mask, foot scrub, or bubble bath!
 
Derbylicious said:
I'm worried that because of feeling this way I will be ostracized by the community. I felt that I had to speak though. Sometimes it feels like if you don't want to date/sleep with everyone in the core organizational crowd that you're not worth socializing with. In some ways it feels a lot like high school.

!
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Our community is full of such diversity that I think the idea of us all "cliqueing" for lack of a real term is very unlikely. The important thing is that there are times and values that bind us in one common fundamental thought - people should be free to be themselves.

It is important to realize that this type of "different groups" is everywhere in society. Jocks and Geeks, new parents and child free couples, speed bike riders and cruiser dudes etc, etc. We're not all going to want to talk about or behave the same way...that doesn't have to translate into permanent segregation.

I agree, things should have been clearer regarding some aspects of the camp (keeping in mind my observations were only for the time we presented our workshop). This is a learning experience for all of us to build a better community I think. Does that mean the community will be all inclusive all the time? Nope. But there will be times when less frequent acquaintances meet and, through acceptance, should feel united if only for short times.
 
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