New, want it to work, but struggling at times

*hugs* Good luck with counseling and growing with your wife in whatever directions that takes you both. Sounds like you're both burnt out with jobs and kids.

There is a lot of talk about "hate" in your posts. She hates you for your job. You hate your job. She'll hate you if you tell her to break it off with Trent.

Perhaps you could find a job that leaves you closer to home... Be around to spend more time with the family, more time connecting with your wife.

No marriage is perfect. No couple is entirely stable, including primary poly couples. Her falling for Trent is clearly showing you there is something missing for her in her life that she'd probably rather you'd provide.
 
Thanks for the response. I have been looking for local employment but it has been challenging. I am an executive and my family is used to living on an executive's salary, so the number of open positions for me in the local area is limited. Nonetheless, I am trying.

So as she is miserable in her life taking care of the kids, she is driving the luxury SUV she wanted, going to her personal trainer 3x a week, getting all the possessions she ever wants, getting her nails done, etc.

Yes, her schedule is nuts. I get it. And I thank her for taking care of it all the time. And when I get home, I take over. I cook, shop, clean, do laundry, drive kids everywhere. And that's typically Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Again, I get that it's hard for her. I am not underestimating the effort and and annoyance of taking care of the kids. But we all have hard shit to do. And running from the one person who is willing to help in any way possible isn't the answer.

That's what really bugs me about the NRE. It's easy to have a new relationship with someone when you don't have real life to worry about. Let's see, she can drive to his apartment that he shares (single guy), talk about all the fun things, feel real good, make love and go home. And there I am with all the kids, all the bills, all the health issues with our parents, all the things that happen in real life. I wish I were in a fairy tale with a hot woman so we could talk about movies, music, love, and the pursuit of happiness too. But that's just not real.
 
I don't know if I agree with you that polyamory cannot work where one relationship is "fucked up." But I can feel the pain in your latest posts. I read your post a few days ago, when you were feeling really good, and I was tempted to post a cautionary one, but I thought, "Who am I to bring you down?"

The reason I say that about a poly relationship not being impossible when the relationship is troubled is because I was in a very similar situation to your wife. My marriage did end, because my husband couldn't handle me loving someone else, but looking back, I wonder if it could have worked. Not long term. Her relationship with him wouldn't last, I can practically guarantee that, but as an interim thing to help him through, maybe.

I know this sounds very strange, and you can call it bs and ignore it if you like, but I'm going to share it with you anyway. I had got to the point where I could no longer feel love for or from my husband. Too much crap had gone down between us. Our relationship was like a clogged up, polluted creek. The love I received from my bf, or kindness, attraction, whatever it was, fed me emotionally so that I had something to give back to my husband again. It got our emotions running again somehow, and began to show me what a healthy relationship looked like.

You would have to work at it really carefully, and she would have to be willing to try, but it could save your marriage. Marriages, especially where children are involved, are worth the work, I think. I'll tell you more if you're interested.

I also wouldn't be at all surprised if your wife agreed to give up her bf. Your financial responsibilities would make it very difficult for her to go solo, and you probably know that. When push came to shove I did jump the marriage ship, but my youngest was 17. It was still very hard.

My thoughts are with you, whatever you decide to do.
 
Thanks for your insights, Sage.

I am numb today. Just can't take it anymore. I am pulling way back and stopping my fight to keep her. I don't think it's going to work out for us and I think I will end up with a divorce... not just because of Trent, but because of the polluted creek you refer to. I don't think my wife has the capacity to be happy with me ever again. The baggage is too heavy.

What I don't know is what happens between now and the moment we decide to separate. Do I live in pain every day, all alone, wondering? I have kids to care for and I thank god for that, because if it weren't for them, I would probably just give up on everything.

I have been trying too hard for too long to make things right and good, and it's worn me down to nothing. When I am not in pain or pissed off I am starting to feel numb.
 
Your OP:

RobertCourage said:
... He is a nice guy and he makes her very happy. She insists she is totally in love with me and that she wants us to stay together forever... I believe her when she says everything is good with us... I fundamentally want this to work. She is happier than ever. He is a good guy. Our threesomes are fantastic..
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And now...
RobertCourage said:
... I am numb today. Just can't take it anymore. I am pulling way back and stopping my fight to keep her. I don't think it's going to work out for us. I think I will end up with a divorce... I have been trying too hard for too long to make things right and good, and it's worn me down to nothing.
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Note your mood swing from just three days ago to today. This is what we call the poly rollercoaster. All is not black or white. Of course we don't know the depth of problems you and your wife face, outside of polyamory, but I hope that with counseling and maybe a shift in your perspective around jobs that take you away from home, and her enjoyment of a materialistic lifestyle, you two can still make it.
 
My acceptance of this was based on her ability to provide equal love to both of us. Today she is spending the day with him. She complains I am never home. Then I come home and she wants to be with him. She is not showing me she's willing to make sacrifices to make this work, and it's killing me. She is choosing to do what she wants without any consideration of my feelings.

I am 100% convinced that my marriage is over. I am struggling to define what my new life looks like--

- I don't want a relationship with anyone.

- I don't want to hate my wife, but I do have feelings of resentment.

- I need to be with my kids.

- I am fucking scared of what's to come, but I will face it and deal with it like an adult.
 
It will be a hard road whichever option you take, but I do agree with Magdlyn that there is often a rollercoaster ride at the beginning of something like this. It is helpful for you to remember the love that you were feeling just a few days ago.

I'm not perhaps the right person to advise on getting through. I didn't do a good job of it. I went into self-preservation mode. If I could do it all again, I would do things very differently. All I can suggest is that you try very hard to love yourself and your children. Be as kind and loving to your wife as you can, and find another outlet for all your pain. You may need some anti-depressants for a while, to get through.

The pattern you and your wife have is not pleasant. You both have done what you think will make everyone happy, and you end up making yourselves miserable. If you act too quickly, you run the risk of forcing each other's hand.

My husband thought I would take him back if he made things as difficult financially for me as possible. That just strengthened my belief that he was a controlling bastard. I moved in with someone else. If, instead of doing that, he'd told me how much he still loved me (he admitted this later) and had just given me some space, we might still be together.
 
Sage, I am trying so hard to do all the right things. She asks for space, and I give it to her, but then she says I am being cold. All I did was tell her last night that I would be downstairs with the kids, instead of lying in bed with her watching TV. I didn't want her to think I was avoiding her, just trying to give her that space. But she interpreted that as being cold. I can't win.

Today she said she wants to spend the day with Trent, and said she hopes that I am okay with that. In the spirit of honesty, I told her that I understand she wants to go; I won't stop her from going; but that it hurts me a lot to just let her walk out the door knowing where she is going. And she says that makes her feel like I am smothering her. Shit, can't I have feelings, too?

I am on Xanax now to calm down. I am seeing a counselor today. Her counselor told her the threesome thing is fine, but the issue really lies in her finding her true happiness. I agree, but not sure I am prepared to sit back and let her push me away, and run to Trent while she searches for it.

And I am an even bigger idiot, because I had a good relationship going with a woman (not physical) who was helping me. My wife got so mad when she saw the texting we were doing. So I broke off that communication because of my wife! (See, people can make hard decisions based on other people's feelings.) So, now I have all of you to talk to, and my new counselor, and that's it. You are all amazing, but a real-life friend would be so good right now.
 
RC, from the way you come across in your posts, you seem like a very good man, and if you were my husband, I'd be treating you extra special to let you know I appreciate you "allowing" me to have additional relationships. I say "allow" like that, because we all allow whatever happens in our relationships, or we get out of them.

However, it would be great to hear your wife's side of the story, because she doesn't sound like a terrible person either. Maybe she's just being stupid at this because it's her first time.
 
Thanks, Neon. I would love for her to post her side of the story here, but she is very private and would probably be completely pissed at me if she saw what I was posting.

To your point, she is not a bad person. I would not be married for so long to a bad person. I think she is lost and struggling with her mid-life identify crisis. And I understand that and appreciate it. I really do. I just wish she had the ability to better deal with crisis. Maybe it is because after all these years, I am the only one she had to dump on when things get rough. And I am an exceptionally easy target since I am not home enough, and, in fact, it is my children who are driving her nuts.

I am just in so much emotional pain. More than ever in my life. I am a very fair and honest person, and this just doesn't seem fair. I know life isn't always fair, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept that I am not good enough for her and that she needs time to 'figure out her happiness'. I don't get that opportunity! I have to go to work, make the money, and support the family. Period. I don't have the luxury of asking the world to stop while I figure out my happiness. But you know what? As this thing eventually comes to an end, whatever end that may be, I will be changing my perspective on my happiness and will be more selfish about what I want in the future.

Regarding the 'allow' word, I agree I am allowing her to do this. Some may say that is too possessive a word. But she made a commitment to me and it didn't include loving someone else. And when I started to make a connection with someone else, she 'disallowed' it. So, yes, I am allowing this for the time being, until the dust settles, and we make our final decision.

I am convinced the decision will be to divorce. She is far too unhappy with the life I have given her. I am hopeful she comes to that conclusion sooner than later, so that we can get though the pain as quickly as possible, and I can start the rest of my life.

Again, thanks for posting. It is very much appreciated.
 
Yeah, I think it's premature to give up already. I wish there was something you could do to make her come around, though.

I use the word "allow" to refer to my relationship(s) too; it's not about possession, it's about what someone is or is not willing to have in their life. Such as when you allow someone into your home.
 
RobertCourage said:
I would love for her to post her side of the story here, but she is very private and would probably be completely pissed at me if she saw what I was posting.
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Too bad!

To your point, she is not a bad person. I would not be married for so long to a bad person. I think she is lost and struggling with her mid-life identify crisis. And I understand that and appreciate it. I just wish she had the ability to better deal with crisis. Maybe it is because, after all these years, I am the only one she had to dump on when things get rough. And I am an exceptionally easy target since I am not home enough and they are in fact, it is my children who are driving her nuts.
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Your (plural) children? Or your bio children?

Do you get babysitters and get out for dates much? It helps.

I am just in so much emotional pain, more than ever in my life.
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I understand completely. My first foray into poly was equally painful.

I am a very fair and honest person and this just doesn't seem fair. I know life isnt always fair, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept that I am not good enough for her and that she needs time to 'figure out her happiness'. I don't get that opportunity! I have to go to work, make the money, and support the family. Period. I don't have the luxury of asking the world to stop while I figure out my happiness.
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I'm sorry Robert, but that is a lame excuse. An unexamined life isn't worth living.

My ex used to hand me that bs. We broke up. Then he got laid off, and had a good year and a half to break down and start to rebuild, but not until circumstances forced it. There's no time like the present. It's all we've got.

As this thing eventually comes to an end, I will be changing my perspective on my happiness and will be more selfish about what I want in the future...

I am convinced the decision will be to divorce. She is far too unhappy with the life I have given her.
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That sounds sexist. You built your lives together. She made choices, and so did you.
 
Wow. That's the first time I have ever been called sexist! I don't get where that came from. The rest I do understand and I thank you for sharing.
 
"the life I have given her. "
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This sounds self-important and kind of victimy. It implies, to me, "I work 24/7 providing for her. I am A Man. I make big bucks. I do not have the luxury of time to look at my shit like my kept woman does, with her trainer and her fancy car."

Just a little tough love, Robert. As I said, my ex, also of your generation or near abouts, had the same attitude.
 
I don't think you meant it in a sexist way, but it is a curious choice of words for a marriage which is supposed to be a partnership, not one person making the life and giving it to the other.

However, it does seem that you two have taken each other for granted up till now, and possibly still do.
 
With all due respect, I am not buying it, Mags. Bottom line is we had an arrangement: I work, she watches kids. When I get home I help with kids. That was the deal. On any given day, her job (raising the kids) may suck. And the same for me. And as a team we support each other through those bad days. Nowhere in that deal did it say that when things get hard we take it out on the other person, blame them for everything wrong in the relationship, and ultimately pull away.

This is the second time I have had to hear that she is in love with someone else. The first time she realized after the fact that she was not in love; she was just infatuated. I stood by her that time (because there were a lot of issues with the other guy and his wife). And I defended her and protected her. I even helped her with her lawyer, because there were legal issues involved.

I apologize for seeming victimy. But how many times do I have to be the one taking all the heat? It's getting old. So call me whiny. Call me a victim. But I keep bending over and being asked to break. And I have been loyal the whole time and stuck to my end of the deal.
 
RC, please take some time to breathe deeply and sit with your feelings. What I have found is usually the case in man-woman relationships is this: although women are always considered to be very emotional and all about their feelings, women actually tend to think a lot. A lot, a lot. And what happens is we often verbalize what we're thinking as a way to work it all out. We're very mentally involved, and speaking about what's in our heads is a way for us to look at it, wrestle with it, feel like we're not alone, and come to terms with whatever we're dealing with.

Now, as someone mentioned earlier, men have a tendency to see themselves as rescuers, or "Mr. Fixits," and they often assume that when women start talking about what's going on with them, that some remedy must immediately be found.

I am writing this to tell you: NO-O-O-O-O!!! Nothing could be further from the truth. Oh, how many times I had to tell my ex to stop giving me feedback and just listen. I think, probably because men are usually such do-ers, women just want men to stop and hear them. Just hear them, understand what they are struggling with, and find some empathy. Then eventually discuss. But jumping to conclusions and thinking some rash action needs to mitigate disaster from the ramblings going on in a woman's head isn't exactly practical. It's reactionary and won't do anyone any good. Don't assume that because on one day she expresses certain reservations, discomforts, irritations, or annoyances with how the relationship is, that it's a death knell for your marriage. Everyone hits bumps in the road. Nothing can be hunky-dory all the time. Relationships and marriages are imperfect.

Now, it may be that she is not handling her NRE well, and if poly is to work, guidelines must be established and adhered to, but I don't believe that taking a divorce as the next step will really help anything. All it will do is mean that you won't have to listen to her anymore, and you will pay lawyers lots and lots of money for that. I think finding a counselor and going together is the best step.

It sounds like communication is an issue between you. She is coming out with all this stuff, and perhaps not expressing herself in the most caring way, and when you feel shut down by her, you back away without fighting hard enough for your side. A third party could help. Please try that route before seriously considering separation or divorce. I tell you this as someone in the midst of divorce right now -- it takes an extremely heavy toll on a couple, and I don't even have kids, which would exacerbate the devastation.
 
As much as I hate to say it, I have just written my plan for separation which I plan to share with her whenever she decides to come home from playing with Trent. I cannot sit around and wait for her to figure out if I can make her happy. Her own counselor said it is up to her to define her happiness. So she is spending the entire day with Trent, instead of me searching for happiness while I sit here wondering. I can't wonder every day if I am on the good or the bad side of her happiness meter. It is killing me.

So I am going to lay down new rules that say:

1. The objective is to take a few months to let her figure out what she wants to do to be happy without me constantly in the way.
2. I will still live home. The kids will know nothing. But we are not operating as a couple any longer. This means she does not have to answer to me nor I to her.
3. We will not have sex. She can do what she wants and I will do what I want.
4. Again, the kids will know nothing.
5. We will assess progress at some point and determine if we extend the separation, eliminate the separation, or just divorce.

Thanks again to all who have tried to help. I just don't think I can live this way. It hurts too much. It's affecting my health, and it's affecting the ability for me to focus on my job.
 
Hello again, RC.

First off, *hug*.

Right now sucks. I've been in some sucky situations that were similar, both in poly relationships and mono ones. Relationships can suck like that. They also can get better, or they can end. With kids involved, your relationship will never really end, so much as change. Whatever your outcome, I hope everyone finds more happiness in the future.

As for the wife, even if she doesn't post her own story here, she might derive benefit from reading posts here. Some of what she sees in your posts may show her just how you feel and how you're trying to be a good man. She may see some things on dealing with poly life in general, and NRE in particular, that help her adapt. She doesn't need to post in order to benefit. As for her concern at you posting, you've shared no personal details that would identify you or her, so you're basically [mono guy Y] and [poly wife X] with [V partner "Trent"]. Even so, it's pretty clear that this group wants you all to be happier and healthier, so having a bunch of folks that want to help her help make things better isn't a bad thing.

That said, how do we deal with the present?

Everyone right now is likely in a heightened emotional state. Everything will be at extremes. You hurt more, you annoy her more, she annoys you more. Trent seems nicer to her, and he seems scary to you.

For those of us that have been there, these are true things. You're not alone in what you're feeling.

Probably the most important thing I can say is for you to focus on reducing your emotional level. You're an executive, so you know how to make tough calls. You work super hard, so hard work isn't too much for you. Right now, you're faced with a bunch of conflicting data, and you want to make a call and start to move forward, but you'll be okay if you let this call simmer for a while. No jokes. You can work on the relationship, or pull the plug in two weeks, just as much as right now. But you want to be in a better place when you do.

Your username is RobertCourage, dude. It takes a lot of courage to handle what you have in front of you. I don't think you picked that name by accident. Sometimes courage means standing there and facing a fear without flinching while the rest of the troops muster up.

In the meantime, what does RC really love to do? Part of reducing your heightened emotions and stress is finding things that you really enjoy. The weekend is almost here. What can you do this weekend that would be fun? Forget about the emotions, forget about the talking and the worry, forget about everything but having a god time. A strung-out RC isn't going to be as good a dad as a chill and happy RC.

Will you have a chance to do something with the kids? They're at the age where a day at the water park or similar might be a neat way for you to bond with them, get some sun, and decompress. Whether the wife comes along or not is not nearly as important as RC getting some RC time. If that means you send the wife and kids off the see Harry Potter (part #zillion) while you wear boxers around the house and sing show tunes, go for it. (But please wrap up the boxers and show tunes before the kids get home-- no need to scar them forever. :D)

You're super-focused on the family: the wife and the kids. What if you took care of just yourself and let everything else wait until you're in better shape? It's laudible that you're worried about everything, but sometimes worrying about everything undermines our operational effectiveness.

*hug*
 
What NYCindie said!

If you do start seeing a counselor together, you will very likely discover that there are some deep-seated resentments (for both of you), that go back many, many years. I have had to learn an entire new way to communicate with my husband and we've been married 20 years. Frankly, it pisses me off that we didn't get help sooner.

Go in with an open mind and no expectations. Tell the counselor where you are at and let your wife do the same, then let the counselor do their job. I had divorce paperwork filled out and ready to file the day I made the appointment with the counselor, and I told her as much at our first appointment.
 
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