Will you be my husband's girlfriend??

Thanks everyone! Just got home from work and I'm tired, so I'll make a better post later.

By biblical I was referring to, God doesn't say "No poly, only monogamy." It's nowhere in the Scriptures. That's where Ariel is having the hard time. The church always preaches monogamy, etc., but the teachings don't come from the Bible.

The church is the institution that mandated monogamy way back when, as a means for economical resource. Men just couldn't support more than one wife and the children they would have. So, the church stepped in and said "Monogamy only." Yes, there were certain cultures that were monogamous, but it wasn't a generalized practice until the economy got strained.

The only reason I talked Bible with her was because that's where she immediately took it. I didn't even ask her about joining us! I just presented it as a conversational topic that we are chewing on for ourselves, so I could get a feel for how she was taking it.

As soon as she cut me off last night, she texted Eric, saying, "Don't call or text me tonight." He asked, "Just tonight or ever?" "I'm not sure yet." :(
 
openbj said:
As soon as she cut me off last night, she text me husband saying, "Don't call or text me tonight."
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Everyone reacts to being faced with a real poly situation differently. She may be wrestling with feelings of guilt and self-image over the previous affair and not really understand how to process this new revelation.

Love and forgiveness, openbj. We can't push anybody through the door, but we can hold it open patiently with open arms and open hearts.
 
Okay, now I have a bit more time and energy. lol

The 3 angels' daddy is in and out. He wants visitation with the kiddos, but doesn't want to pay child support or be responsible in any other way.

Ariel has already told him that she's looking at moving with the kids to her mom's house, which is about 5-6 hours away from him, and he was okay with that. If things were to work out with her and she moved with us, he would not be told why or whom she is moving to be closer to.

Their divorce was caused by the straw that broke the camel's back-- her affair with Eric. They were headed there already and talking to attorneys and what not, but he really wrote her off after finding out about the affair. He made things very dirty for her, and still is at times. She has zero support from him so far and it's been 10 months. Even when she lets him have visitation, the angels are left with his parents and he spends very little time with them. It's really sad. :(

Sagency, I have read through that thread already. I've been through most of the posts in that forum since joining. Everyone seems to be trying to point people with questions to the Unitarian Church, which I'm really just not interested in. We are full Pentecostal Christians.

I really hope no one takes offense at this, but my husband was actually a pastor for about 8 years of our marriage. This has been one particular area that we have really struggled with (monogamy/polyamory/open marriage) and have really taken time to study and research in the Scriptures. The orders for monogamy just aren't there. The condemnation of more than one wife just isn't there. Some things are just left open in Scripture so that we may figure out our own salvation with fear and trembling.

I kinda wish this one was in there, though! It would save a lot of debate. lol

NYCindie, I have a feeling that her feelings of guilt have a lot to do with it right now. I know she has really beat herself up over it. That's why I really wish I was where I am now, then. It would have saved so much heartache!

Mono, Eric is struggling with being poly vs. having the affair, as well. He just finds it really difficult to explain to a girl he likes that we are open. We've been open since January, so this is not a new conversation for us. Only now are we looking at polyamory, because he is just too relational for the random sex of an open marriage.

He would like to have me and a girlfriend, which is fine with me. That's why we're moving forward. He is afraid that explaining polyamory will be even more difficult than explaining an open marriage, and that girls will be disinterested. He doesn't really deal well with rejection sometimes, especially if really likes someone.

GS, that's sort of the route I took. I apologized for ruining their happiness and explained that I now understand that Eric could love me and another, and be happy as can be. I also told Ariel that when he did have both her and me, he was happier than I had seen him in a long time, until I found out. :(

I didn't outright ask Ariel to join us, but presented it more as a conversation about something that Eric and I were chewing on. She is not happy. She texted him today and told him, "We've been friends for quite a while now; I really enjoy our friendship and care about you, but I cannot stand by and support your decisions lately, especially when you know they are wrong."

Except, we know that they're not wrong.

I don't know.

I think I covered everything. If not, just ask. There's actually another girl, Tiana, that would love to be Eric's girlfriend. But she wants it to just be her and Eric, as far as we understand right now. He hasn't talked to her about polyamory yet, because we've just decided to move that direction. He would really rather have Ariel though. He does truly love her. Only time will tell, I guess.
 
Sorry, little bit more about the girl that wants to be his girlfriend, Tiana. Even if we did bring her in, it would likely be just a short-term thing. She is going off to college and is quite a bit younger than us. The only connection is that she and Eric enjoy talking and are really attracted to one another. That's it. It's mostly a physical thing, at this point.

Maybe it would be a good first try at being poly?

I know poly is about love, and being united in that, but with all of my jealousy issues that I'm working on overcoming, maybe a surface-level relationship would be good for the first time? Eric doesn't really expect her to be interested much longer. He really feels that she'll get to college, around others her own age, and grow bored with him.

If we move within OK for that job, we'll only be about an hour away from her, which is still a distance, and he doesn't think she'll really be up to traveling it much. He'll be super busy with the new job, on the road a lot, so there won't be much time for any amount of distance in a relationship. If we move to NM for that job, it won't last. We both already know that. She does know about both of the job offers.

He's really worried about inviting her in, though. He says she's actually a very conservative person, and like I said earlier, he's scared of explaining. So, for the time being, I have given him permission to see her without being "brought in" completely, and just let them ride this wave. But we have talked and agreed that if things do get deeper and go further, then she is to be told before there are real emotional attachments, and invite her in, if that is what she is open to. If she's not, then it ends there.

He really doesn't see it going deeper, though. He is kind of her rebound crush right now, and there are too many other variables that will lead to them being drawn apart.

He did invite her to be friends on FB, and she accepted. That happened today. Eric and I play around and flirt A LOT on there (our friends have told us to get a room on more than one occasion lol), so she will see that. I think that's his subtle way of breaking the ice for future discussions with her, if it goes there, and a way for her to "meet" me without actually meeting me.
 
Ariel and I are talking! She said she was pissed at Eric for causing me to think this way because of his affairs. (Je had others in the past, but he only truly loved her.) I told her it's not his fault that he loves someone other than just me.

A: He loves everyone else.
Me: He lusts for others, yes. But he's only truly loved one other person.
A: I don't know about that.
Me: I do. I held him and comforted him as he cried for her. It's real.
A: So who is this is other person?
Me: Do you really want to know?
A: Do I know her?
Me: Yes, very well.

I know that she has tried to fight it, but she loved him too, and I'm guessing, still does. And it's okay. That is the only kind of person that I would want to be in a full relationship with my husband. A person that loves him, is concerned for him, pushing him to be successful in all aspects of his life; someone who loves me, and that we are together, as well; someone that can work with me for the soul goal of love and happiness; that can be a family with our family.

Polyamory isn't about sex. It's about the love and happiness that everyone brings to each other. It's about being a family. The girl that loves my husband would be my best friend through all of life's ups and downs.

She hasn't responded and has logged off. I'm sure there are a lot of emotions going through her right now. She had convinced herself that what they had meant nothing, and has been fighting her feelings for him. I know this, because she told him when they were trying to break things off. It was extremely difficult for both of them and has left a huge void in both of their lives.
 
Very exciting!

Stay focused on the love and acceptance, and take every step with proper caution and forethought. I'm glad to hear your story taking such a positive turn.
 
Quick update: Neither Eric nor I have heard from Ariel at all today. :( But she also hasn't deleted me as a friend on FB. I hope it's just because she's sorting through her emotions and searching her heart.
 
Okay, I did talk to her tonight, but not about any of this. I don't want to overwhelm her. We just talked friendly-like, and joked about some stuff, had a good time. I'm trying to just let her to chew on some stuff.

She did admit tonight that she was really upset with Eric because of this other girl, Tiana. He had told Ariel about her, and so she's really pissed. Probably not his best move, but at least it was honesty. But he had originally lied to me about flirting around with Tiana, and Ariel knows that. So that seems to be her biggest frustration right now, that he had lied to me.
 
I'm pretty sure. But I do plan to spell it out later after she's had some time to cool and chew. I had planned on telling her that it was her last night when we were talking like that, but she never responded back and logged off.
 
openbj said:
She is not happy. She texted him today and told him, "We've been friends for quite a while now. I really enjoy our friendship and care about you, but I cannot stand by and support your decisions lately, especially when you know they are wrong." Except, we know that they're not wrong. I don't know.
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Hey BJ,

Okay, maybe I haven't had enough coffee yet, but, what are these decisions she's making reference to? Opening your marriage? Ethical non-monogamy?

Where is the 'wrong' that everyone supposedly knows/agrees to coming from? Or, in this case I should say 'disagrees.' Is this something caught up in some religious context?

GS
 
GroundedSpirit said:
What are these 'decisions' she's making reference to? Opening your marriage? Ethical non-monogamy?

Where is the 'wrong' that everyone supposedly knows/agrees to coming from, or, I should say, 'disagrees'? Is this something caught up in some religious context?
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Yes, she is having a difficult time overcoming the teachings of the Church, which are inaccurate to the teachings of Scripture. She believes that we are making a moral and ethical mistake. She asked me for proof from the Bible that God is not anti-poly, and I gave her a couple, but she has refused to really take them in, so far.
 
Well, it got spelled out to Ariel tonight. Her opinion is, because Eric is poly, and I'm okay with that, and am now ready to let him be who he is, he doesn't love me like a husband should. She stands very strongly that a marriage is one man, one woman, and that if you marry the right person, it will work out to be just that way. Now she's trying to talk me into leaving him, because, in her mind, I shouldn't have to deal with this.

Yeah, she's not going to work as a poly. So, I guess we just try to mend the friendship, or just let her walk away, at this point.
 
Her hypocrisy is actually kind of stunning. Cheating/"fornication" is okay. Poly is wrong. Get a grip!
 
Just to update: Ariel unfriended me on FB. She was only friends with me, not Eric. She has not made any contact with Eric or me since everything yesterday. I guess the friendship was lost over wanting to bring her in. :(

We're not going to let this get us down, though. Eric still has Tiana to flirt around with and have fun with for now. It won't actually turn into a relationship. We're both sure of that. But it allows him to have some fun, for the time being.
 
openbj said:
Hubby still has the other girl to flirt around with and have fun with for now. It won't actually turn in to a relationship, we're both sure of that. But it allows him to have some fun, for the time being.
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Having someone to practice your flirting with and have fun with is a good thing. Plus, after working on improving his flirty technique, he can try the new moves on you and see how they work. ;)
 
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