New relationship discussions about poly

Hi folks!
Just looking for guidance on how to navigate polyamory as a new couple.

My partner (we'll call him Phil -26m) and I (26 nb) are very new, we've been together almost two months and things are going splendidly. It's a very "when you know, you know" kind of thing.
I have been in only one polyamorous dynamic before and it was not a great situation. I felt incredibly secondary in a partnership who claimed to not have heirarchies in their relationships. I was repeatedly not considered when major decisions were made about our relationship or in my partners relationships and it was very painful.
After that relationship, I decided I wanted my next partner to be someone who was open to non-traditional relationship styles but be able to offer what I needed to feel safe and prioritized.
I wasnt actively looking for a partner when I found Phil and we have fallen head over heels for each other and he is open to exploring non-traditional relationship structures. However, he has only ever been in monogamous relationships. He is totally new to this world.
I have spent the last year, after my last relationship, deconstructing my longheld beliefs and habitual behaviors regarding relationships and have found that my nervous system may not be ready for full on multiple committed relationships, but that my sense of autonomy is vital to me feeling complete in any dynamic. I have developed a relationship with a friend that teeters between romantic and platonic - we kiss and cuddle but aren't dating, have talked about intimacy with each other, and care for each other in a more romantic way - basically something like a QPP (Queer platonic partnership) and Phil has said he is okay with that as long as we dont have sex.
That's the part I get hung up on. I dont necessarily have strong feelings about having or not having sex with my friend, but it is important to me to feel like my romantic connections dont dictate what can happen in other connections. I want it to be a collaborative agreement and exploration rather than rules and limits.

So anyways, this is not a criticism of my partner. Just a snapshot of where we are right now. I would love any tips on how to begin having open and proactive conversations with him about it without creating a power dynamic since I am a little more experienced in polyamory than he is. What are the most important topics to cover? What are common pitfalls for new couples exploring polyamory together? What advice do you have on protecting the safety of an already established relationship while exploring non-monogamy? And anything else that feels pertinent. Thank you!

Hello temmilou1234,

It seems to me that your biggest sticking point is that Phil is trying to dictate whom you can have sex with, and maybe he is saying that you can only have sex with him. I don't mean to paint him as a bad person, I know he is new to poly but I just wonder if poly is a good fit for him. It is okay to be monogamous, and it is also okay to be polyamorous, and sometimes it's just a question of compatibility. Right now I think you need to sit down with him and explain how important your autonomy is to you, and that that includes your right to dictate your own sex life. If he can't live with that, that is okay, it just means you and he are not a perfect match. Hopefully he will just understand that poly is about sexual as well as romantic freedom.

Just some initial thoughts,
Kevin T.

temmilou1234 said:

he is open to exploring non-traditional relationship structures

Click to expand...

Well, what does that phrase mean to him? Did you already explore that?

Hi and welcome.

You said:

I would love any tips on how to begin having open and proactive conversations with him about it... What are the most important topics to cover? What are common pitfalls for new couples exploring polyamory together? What advice do you have on protecting the safety of an already established relationship while exploring non-monogamy? And anything else that feels pertinent. Thank you!

Click to expand...

Rather than reinventing the wheel, I'd recommend you get your feet wet by heading over to our Golden Nuggets section. There you will find a list of reading resources for beginners, intermediate and seasoned polyamorists, as well as a podcast recommendation and even fictional movies with polyamory themes.


After reading articles on topics you are curious about, then move on to books. One book (a basic handbook, based on interviews with poly people) that will address best the questions you pose in your thread is called Opening Up, but there are many others with lots of helpful tips.

Also in Golden Nuggets is a list of previous consolidated threads from this board, going back to 2009, on just about any poly topic you could imagine. I would recommend looking up "couple privilege," "primary/secondary," "foundations," "lessons learned," etc.

Finally, to be specific, put your foot down about your sexual autonomy. Do not cave to this man's desire to control you. You've only known him two months. You do you, and he can take it or leave it.

You're two months into this new relationship. I think the biggest exclamation mark is now NRE idealisation. Everything is going splendidly, and that's great! Except after two months you can't really know

So IMHO just be careful. Don't jump to conclusions. Don't assume you know what he meant and that he knows what you meant by certain brief conversations or phrases (like "yeah, I'm open to exploring non-traditional relationship structures"). It's so tempting to assume compatibility in NRE! Instead, expect things to take time. Especially the poly negotiations. If you're both exploring what you two could be together as well as a new relationship structure at the same time? Everything is flux and fluid. You people can and will change their minds. A lot.

Regarding poly education, it's usually recommended to get two copies of "Opening up" or another intro to non-monogamy book, do the reading chapter by chapter and discuss each.

Phil has said he is okay with that as long as we dont have sex.

That's the part I get hung up on. I dont necessarily have strong feelings about having or not having sex with my friend, but it is important to me to feel like my romantic connections dont dictate what can happen in other connections.

Click to expand...

IS he dictating, though? Or just stating his own limitations?

Like, you are free to develop this friend thing into a full-blown relationship if you want to, but if that's the case, Phil prefers to bow out, because he's only been dating you for 2 mos, and is only at the start of learning about all the forms of non-monogamy. He's only ever been in monogamous relationships. He is totally new to this world, so he's not ready to just jump into a poly V.

You could check in and ask Phil if that is what he means, rather than just assuming he's being like your exes -- dictating or controlling or whatever.

I want it to be a collaborative agreement and exploration rather than rules and limits.

Click to expand...

If that's what you want to build, that's how you approach it. You approach it with curiosity and you ask Phil what he means.

• Is this like, "Whoa, I'm willing to learn and eventually get there, but becoming part of a poly V right now is just too fast for me, so I'd rather bow out"? Phil has his own nervous system to think about.
• Is this a soft limit that could change over time? Once he finishes reading his books/listening to podcasts, finds a counselor, he'd be more prepared to try polyamory?
• Is this a hard limit that will never change? He never wants polyamory, ever? Was he thinking more like visiting sex clubs, or something else non-monogamous, just not polyamory?

Galagirl