Is privacy too much to ask for cohabitation?

Some information; I enjoy hypotheticals with partners. It helps get to know them better and offers some insight to how they would respond in x, y, z situations, as well as some funny, friendly debates. My partner and I were discussing cohabitation and privacy, as I didn't get any when I was young and value my personal area very highly.

In this train of thought, I brought up that it is a common courtesy to knock when entering the other's (not shared) room, and they were of a different mindset. More of a "I shouldn't need permission to enter a room in MY house."

While I can agree to an extent, and we did agree that neither of us wants to be walked in on while in the bathroom, for example, I truly believe there should be a place for both of us where we can go to relax without worrying about interruptions. To say, "In MY house" strikes me the same way as it would a parent to say the same to a kid and deny autonomy.

I am not saying the room is off limits, or that I'd want to hole up away from my partners, only that a boundary should be asked, not assumed to be open just because we are partners.

What do you think?
Should a person be allowed a place where they can relax and be able to not be on edge or expecting visitors?
Is it an unhealthy boundary to want a place uninterrupted, if asked?
Is it silly to have to knock on someone's hobby or bedroom if you are together?

I'd love your thoughts.

I'm not sure how this relates to polyamory? I mean, if you're sharing an apartment or house with one other person, the same courtesies could apply to a monogamous couple. I thought your question was going to be about trying to share a house with your partner and metamour, or two of your partners, in a V-type configuration.

If it's a V trying to cohabite, the metas would need to show more respect for the privacy of each other than they would for that of their shared intimate partner, ya know?

To say, "In MY house" strikes me the same way as it would a parent to say the same to a kid and deny autonomy.

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My father acted like that and would shout that it was HIS house and we were HIS kids so we had to do what HE said. Some parents do not support their children's actual grown and independence.

My question is what do you think?

Over here? It is my house. I raised my kids to knock on bedroom doors even if the door is open. They don't cross the "line" unless the bedroom owner says they can come in. I also knock on theirs even as kids and I wait to be invited in.

It's a basic respect thing.


Should a person be allowed a place where they can relax and be able to not be on edge or expecting visitors?

Yes.

Is it an unhealthy boundary, to want a place uninterrupted if asked?

No. If the kids have people here? They know to keep their guests to common areas or their bedroom. They can't be wandering into MY room.


Is it silly to have to knock on someone's hobby or bedroom if you are together?

Not silly. Someone's hobby room or bedroom is private space. It is not "common rooms" like the living room or kitchen.

That kind of thing is a "are we compatible roomies?" issue that people need to sort out. If not compatible for roomies? Don't be roomies.

Galagirl

It's just one of the many, many things people can disagree on.
I'm more of the mindset "shared flat, shared space, shared decision". I imagine both partners should have some say in how every room looks and is used (e.g. I want my partner to keep room for me to sit down on the sofa in "his" room where he works).
He's more of the mindset "my room, your room", wants to do whatever in his room and leaves me a free hand in the bedroom (which is more my space during the day).
Very unfortunately both of the rooms (and the kitchen too) in our flat are walkthrough, I have to pass through "his" to the kitchen and he has to pass through "mine" to the bathroom, so it's been tough sometimes.

In my experience, in a poly context then privacy can be even more important. For example, you may be in a conversation with one partner, even on the phone, and the other partner shouldn't just be able to barge into that room and interrupt that conversation, it may be intimate!

Adam and I have our own bedrooms. It's great. If either of our doors are closed, we give each other privacy. It may be for a call, a nap, or some decompression time (I teach high school so in any given day, I talk with a LOT of people so be able to come home and relax in silence for a while is one of my self care actions).

So a private space is a healthy boundary for me. I expect some people don't need it. I do.

Hello For3mber,

I'm with you, knocking before entering should be the least I should be able to expect, as a human being. Sure it may be "my house," but I am entrusting it to you as "your room." Barging in without knocking is being disrespectful.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

For3mber said:

Should a person be allowed a place where they can relax and be able to not be on edge or expecting visitors?
Is it an unhealthy boundary, to want a place uninterrupted if asked?
Is it silly to have to knock on someone's hobby or bedroom if you are together?

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I think it's a great idea for each person to have a room or, assuming two people share a bedroom then one take a separate room. It's a healthy practice and can help you guys maintain peace in the long run. We all need space to ourselves once in a while. Asking someone for it should not be a big deal, it should be expected. Didn't Alanis Morissette have a line about this in "You Owe Me Nothing In Return"?

My partner & I ended up in a 2BR. She was originally renting a room then we took over. She has the main BR and I turned the other into a studio. She doesn't come in when I have the door closed. It was never even discussed. She just doesn't as she does not want to interrupt me if I'm busy or whatever and assumes the door is shut for a reason.

OTOH, if she's in "her room", she usually doesn't close the door unless she's sleeping. I usually let her be and we each do our own thing for a few hours then one of us goes and bugs the other. lol

Should a person be allowed a place where they can relax and be able to not be on edge or expecting visitors?

Absolutely. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you shouldn't have privacy. Some people are introverted and need alone time to recharge, without the pressure of being perceived. Some people just don't want to share everything with a partner.

I've noticed this is actually a common relationship myth that society pushes: namely, that when you're in a relationship, maintaining any privacy is unhealthy and is the same as keeping secrets. It's not. I believe the opposite is true, that it's unhealthy to feel like you have to share everything with your partner. If you suffered abuse as a child, you don't have to share the details with your partner. If something weird is going on with your bowel movements, you don't have to share the details with your partner. If you find one of their body parts unattractive, you don't have to (and shouldn't) share that with your partner. The same goes for personal space.

Is it an unhealthy boundary to want a place uninterrupted, if asked?

Not at all.

Is it silly to have to knock on someone's hobby or bedroom if you are together?

Not at all.

You deserve to have your own space within your home. Even when you're a kid living with your family, your parent should still knock on the door before entering.