RecentlyPolybombed
New member
My wife (<35f) and I (>35m) have been a couple for 9 years; married for 5—entirely monogamously. We now have 2 children under 4 years old. We have always been a super "vanilla" couple, and "serial-monogamists" before that (only dating one person at a time, keeping longer-lasting relationships than most of our peers since highschool). Of the two of us, I thought I was the more adventurous one. My wife was never comfortable talking about sex. She had never read a fanfic. But, to both our surprise, four months ago, my wife became obsessed with reading Stranger Things "Byler" (M/M) fanfics, then two months ago started WRITING her own "Byler" fanfic (and it's actually pretty good lol). Shortly after, she revealed feeling attracted to a woman, and then less than a month ago, "polybombed" me—perhaps manipulatively—with a specific person "waiting in the wings." I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need some help parsing the many layers and emotions I'm experiencing. There aren't many people in my life that can be a good sounding board for this, so I'm curious what stands out to you. I'd appreciate any insight you have. (Details below. So many details.)
I said "manipulated" because around the time she came out to me, my wife (who is a Pisces but has never cared much for astrology) told me how often the other people she vibes with are also Pisces (such as her romantic interest). She shared a bunch of Pisces qaulities, including being so spiritually/emotionally in tune with the universe that they can often intuit how others are feeling—and how to make them feel different ways. She went on to (correctly) say that she is really good at "spinning" things. She suspects she has often unintentionally manipulated people by "spinning" information to suit her end purpose—"but not you, of course."
Whether she intentionally tricked me or not, I misunderstood a lot. Even if it was out of fear, each time we talked, the meaning of her words seemed to stretch. The female attraction she felt wasn't just a passing flicker of attraction to someone she passed on the street. It was a crush on an acquaintance. I should have asked more questions (like who) but I didn't. I thought I was being respectful and supportive of her new identity. I don't think I was avoiding it. After all, we're married. How could it possibly affect me? When I finally didask (GUESS who it is on the first try) I got the answer to that question. She upgraded the feeling to an infatuation, and it's with a neighbor / friend we both knew and see multiple times a week. She's actually been crushing on her for 6 months, and wishes she could experiement.
Feeling her excitement and energy, and wanting to support her growth & self-actualization ...and, yes, thinking like an adolescent boy ("...that's kinda hot"), I came out of nowhere and, unprompted, offered her a "hall pass" to go figure it out. She had a huge mix of emotions and started to hyperventilate. As she said, she was anticipating needing to coax me toward that over the course a weeks or months, and I just went there. I seriously thought I had driven to the heart of the matter and skipped a lot of drama. Instead, mouse/cookie. Slippery slope. She felt she needed more than just a day. I laughed and asked how much sex she needed to figure it out. I offered her 3 days. She said she needed to get to know her better. Incredulous, I told her that's not how to manage a booty call / friends with benefits situation. You're supposed to avoid catching feelings—not seek them out! Just ask her! What would she say? "I don't know." My wife would only answer for herself and said she wanted her experiment to be longer term. "Weeks?" I asked? "MONTHS?" Over the next day or so, I kept asking for a ballpark estimate on the duration of this experiment, and she kept avoiding answering directly. She then swapped the word "experiment" for "experience." I expressed discomfort for an indefinite hall pass / extra relationship. She backpedaled and said we can take it one day at a time. I pushed again for her to give a ballpark estimate, and her answer sounded to me like it wasn't quite years, but maybe seasons? Like Spring. I guess can handle a season...
That night, we drafted up an agreement to help us grasp what this "experience" would be and set boundaries. In it, she listed the duration as a "season of life." (I didn't notice this for over a week.) I also didn't realize that the terms she was using like "open marriage" and "NEM" and even the concept of the agreement itself were language and tools from the poly community. (Terms, by the way, which I've since had to learn myself. Apologies if I'm misusing any of them).
The dates started. For about a week, I enjoyed the injection of NRE into our marriage. My wife, (who previously had a super low sex drive, never masterbated, and hardly enjoyed kissing) was suddenly slapping my ass around the house, making out with me—well, initiating sex, was way more interested in discussing fantasies, getting on top, trying different positions, etc. Given that sex-drive mismatch has been the only significant trouble-maker in our marriage, I liked this change. Unfortunately, I think I green-lit too many visits. I started to feel jealous. Whereever you think I am on the spectrum of "clumsily stumbling into poly" and "being kidnapped into poly," it was too much, too fast. My wife and her metamore have been seeing each other about 3 times a week—they nearly missed only one day out of an 8-day streak. (And despite the fact that they had their kids with them for half of those visits, letting them play together at one house or the other, it made me feel like I didn't have enough time between visits to process what was happening between them. I was trying to write down my feelings on a notepad app on my phone but between taking care of our children and house, etc., and I couldn't finish one before the next day's load of emotional processing work would get dumped on me.
The last week was very dark for me. Visceral, chest-gripping pain of jealousy, confusion, and fear of loss. My wife showed very little emotional reaction to this was probably as a coping mechanism, but it came across as indiffernce which made me feel like my fear of losing my wife was coming true. All three of us met, but I was too fragile, she was too intense (scared?) and we overcooked the conversation. I felt more distant, slept on the couch. I'm not sure if the relationship will continue or if I ruined it by getting upset, or if I care. I still don't know if I can handle it. I want to try, because it means so much to my wife. BUT, I've read that's a bad reason to do it. Does that make it consent under duress, instead of enthusiastic consent? (Huh! Come to think of it, it wasn't until this past week, just before the depressive episode, that my wife finally called it what I now recognize it has been the whole time: Polyamory. Huh.)
I want to make it work for her/us, but some things still feel unfair:
I said "manipulated" because around the time she came out to me, my wife (who is a Pisces but has never cared much for astrology) told me how often the other people she vibes with are also Pisces (such as her romantic interest). She shared a bunch of Pisces qaulities, including being so spiritually/emotionally in tune with the universe that they can often intuit how others are feeling—and how to make them feel different ways. She went on to (correctly) say that she is really good at "spinning" things. She suspects she has often unintentionally manipulated people by "spinning" information to suit her end purpose—"but not you, of course."
Whether she intentionally tricked me or not, I misunderstood a lot. Even if it was out of fear, each time we talked, the meaning of her words seemed to stretch. The female attraction she felt wasn't just a passing flicker of attraction to someone she passed on the street. It was a crush on an acquaintance. I should have asked more questions (like who) but I didn't. I thought I was being respectful and supportive of her new identity. I don't think I was avoiding it. After all, we're married. How could it possibly affect me? When I finally did
Feeling her excitement and energy, and wanting to support her growth & self-actualization ...and, yes, thinking like an adolescent boy ("...that's kinda hot"), I came out of nowhere and, unprompted, offered her a "hall pass" to go figure it out. She had a huge mix of emotions and started to hyperventilate. As she said, she was anticipating needing to coax me toward that over the course a weeks or months, and I just went there. I seriously thought I had driven to the heart of the matter and skipped a lot of drama. Instead, mouse/cookie. Slippery slope. She felt she needed more than just a day. I laughed and asked how much sex she needed to figure it out. I offered her 3 days. She said she needed to get to know her better. Incredulous, I told her that's not how to manage a booty call / friends with benefits situation. You're supposed to avoid catching feelings—not seek them out! Just ask her! What would she say? "I don't know." My wife would only answer for herself and said she wanted her experiment to be longer term. "Weeks?" I asked? "MONTHS?" Over the next day or so, I kept asking for a ballpark estimate on the duration of this experiment, and she kept avoiding answering directly. She then swapped the word "experiment" for "experience." I expressed discomfort for an indefinite hall pass / extra relationship. She backpedaled and said we can take it one day at a time. I pushed again for her to give a ballpark estimate, and her answer sounded to me like it wasn't quite years, but maybe seasons? Like Spring. I guess can handle a season...
That night, we drafted up an agreement to help us grasp what this "experience" would be and set boundaries. In it, she listed the duration as a "season of life." (I didn't notice this for over a week.) I also didn't realize that the terms she was using like "open marriage" and "NEM" and even the concept of the agreement itself were language and tools from the poly community. (Terms, by the way, which I've since had to learn myself. Apologies if I'm misusing any of them).
The dates started. For about a week, I enjoyed the injection of NRE into our marriage. My wife, (who previously had a super low sex drive, never masterbated, and hardly enjoyed kissing) was suddenly slapping my ass around the house, making out with me—well, initiating sex, was way more interested in discussing fantasies, getting on top, trying different positions, etc. Given that sex-drive mismatch has been the only significant trouble-maker in our marriage, I liked this change. Unfortunately, I think I green-lit too many visits. I started to feel jealous. Whereever you think I am on the spectrum of "clumsily stumbling into poly" and "being kidnapped into poly," it was too much, too fast. My wife and her metamore have been seeing each other about 3 times a week—they nearly missed only one day out of an 8-day streak. (And despite the fact that they had their kids with them for half of those visits, letting them play together at one house or the other, it made me feel like I didn't have enough time between visits to process what was happening between them. I was trying to write down my feelings on a notepad app on my phone but between taking care of our children and house, etc., and I couldn't finish one before the next day's load of emotional processing work would get dumped on me.
The last week was very dark for me. Visceral, chest-gripping pain of jealousy, confusion, and fear of loss. My wife showed very little emotional reaction to this was probably as a coping mechanism, but it came across as indiffernce which made me feel like my fear of losing my wife was coming true. All three of us met, but I was too fragile, she was too intense (scared?) and we overcooked the conversation. I felt more distant, slept on the couch. I'm not sure if the relationship will continue or if I ruined it by getting upset, or if I care. I still don't know if I can handle it. I want to try, because it means so much to my wife. BUT, I've read that's a bad reason to do it. Does that make it consent under duress, instead of enthusiastic consent? (Huh! Come to think of it, it wasn't until this past week, just before the depressive episode, that my wife finally called it what I now recognize it has been the whole time: Polyamory. Huh.)
I want to make it work for her/us, but some things still feel unfair:
- How it started (feeling tricked, slippery slope)
- The relationship agreement (write again with new insight and clarity)
- Fair polyamory? (No allowance has been clarified for me to enjoy a second relationship. Would I like spending time with another woman? Maybe! But I haven't been given the time to figure that out, much less time to find our how to look for a date. After all, my wife's relationship had already begun (emotionally) before I even knew about it. Their sexual tension started before their sexual interest was declared. Even if we had started on even ground, my wife isn't going to be ok with me sleeping with another woman. She has already said it is fair because she is doing same-sex exploration. I'm welcome to do that... Admittedly, I wouldn't want her to sleep with another man either.)
- Time of life (We have 2 toddlers. For most of our marriage, they have caused my sexual advances to be turned down or sex interrupted. My wife would calmly remind me, "it's just not out time," or "it's not our turn." After all, for the past 3.5 years, she has been breastfeeding and feeling feeling consumed by motherhood. She doesn't have time for me. Worse, our kids don't sleep well, blah blah blah I hadn't slept in my own bed for 6 months. In fact, we still hadn't had sex in our own bed since moving to this house over a year ago! Well, happy days, we are finally starting to come out of that cave. In the past few weeks, the youngest has stopped breastfeeding, I moved her crib OUT of our bedroom, and I've finally started sleeping in my own bed alongside my wife again. This should have been our glorious re-emergence from early parenthood, but it's getting overshadowed by a perfectly timed venture into Poly. As happy as I am to enjoy their NRE, I also feel like they're stealing my return-to-normalcy energy. I'm stoked that my wife is now free to go on dates past 7pm now. I'm not stoken that someone else has swooped in ahead of me and started doing just that.
It's unfair to everyone to treat it on par with a sexual orientation just because you suddenly discovered that being in a relationship and experiencing a crush (or "true love") with a new person. 
