WatchTheFireworks
New member
Hello all! I've been practicing polyamory for going on seven years, and something that happened a couple of years ago recently came back up with a partner. It's been a source of some insecurity for several years and I've done an enormous amount of processing around it, but have never 100% recovered from it.
Basically, my partner of several years had one date and a few phones calls with someone, and in the midst of NRE, asked on the way to our anniversary dinner to de-escalate how often we saw each other, from twice per week to once per week, to make space for this new relationship. (When we first started dating, a mutual desire for a high level of frequency was a big draw for both of us.) She said that it would be against her poly philosophy to treat our relationship as a higher priority than another relationship, regardless of how long that relationship had been going. This came as quite a shock, but she was a lot more experienced with polyamory than me at that point in time, so I looked up to her and her judgment, and figured this must be a part of polyamory--getting sidelined for the new and exciting, as I thought might one day happen. Well, that new relationship quickly fizzled, and I spent a lot of that month supporting her through what was a difficult breakup with that new person. Months later, it hit me how much that sudden request to de-escalate and treatment of our deeply established relationship hurt me and impacted how secure I felt in the relationship. We discussed things a lot, she regrets pretty much everything about what she did and said, but the fact that she asked to de-escalate a multi-year relationship for someone she just met has left a bit of a mark. I think about it now and then, especially when our anniversary rolls around.
We've discussed this topic inside and out, and I feel that I've worked through what I can and have accepted that some hurts in life can take a long time to heal. She ended up bringing the topic up recently while discussing another matter and I let her know that, yes, I do still think of it sometimes and it still sometimes impacts how secure I feel, which was of course upsetting to her. (This is not a topic that I ever bring up myself as I feel it has been discussed to death already.) She said that she really questions whether I have worked through things as much as I say if it still hurts me to think back about it, but I don't think that's a reasonable expectation to put on myself. It just stings to remember how our relationship was treated in that moment in time, which I think is reasonable, as our relationship is very important to me.
In my mind, the matter is settled, it's something that makes me feel a bit sad and insecure sometimes but I don't feel any resentment toward my partner over it. But while she has now said she will not bring it up again, I can only imagine that one day, she very well may. It always results in me needing to console her due to how badly she feels about it being something that still impacts me, even if it is at this point fairly minor. At this point, I feel worse about her feeling bad about it than I feel about what originally happened. Has anyone effectively dealt with longstanding things like this, and how did you (or do you) approach it?
Basically, my partner of several years had one date and a few phones calls with someone, and in the midst of NRE, asked on the way to our anniversary dinner to de-escalate how often we saw each other, from twice per week to once per week, to make space for this new relationship. (When we first started dating, a mutual desire for a high level of frequency was a big draw for both of us.) She said that it would be against her poly philosophy to treat our relationship as a higher priority than another relationship, regardless of how long that relationship had been going. This came as quite a shock, but she was a lot more experienced with polyamory than me at that point in time, so I looked up to her and her judgment, and figured this must be a part of polyamory--getting sidelined for the new and exciting, as I thought might one day happen. Well, that new relationship quickly fizzled, and I spent a lot of that month supporting her through what was a difficult breakup with that new person. Months later, it hit me how much that sudden request to de-escalate and treatment of our deeply established relationship hurt me and impacted how secure I felt in the relationship. We discussed things a lot, she regrets pretty much everything about what she did and said, but the fact that she asked to de-escalate a multi-year relationship for someone she just met has left a bit of a mark. I think about it now and then, especially when our anniversary rolls around.
We've discussed this topic inside and out, and I feel that I've worked through what I can and have accepted that some hurts in life can take a long time to heal. She ended up bringing the topic up recently while discussing another matter and I let her know that, yes, I do still think of it sometimes and it still sometimes impacts how secure I feel, which was of course upsetting to her. (This is not a topic that I ever bring up myself as I feel it has been discussed to death already.) She said that she really questions whether I have worked through things as much as I say if it still hurts me to think back about it, but I don't think that's a reasonable expectation to put on myself. It just stings to remember how our relationship was treated in that moment in time, which I think is reasonable, as our relationship is very important to me.
In my mind, the matter is settled, it's something that makes me feel a bit sad and insecure sometimes but I don't feel any resentment toward my partner over it. But while she has now said she will not bring it up again, I can only imagine that one day, she very well may. It always results in me needing to console her due to how badly she feels about it being something that still impacts me, even if it is at this point fairly minor. At this point, I feel worse about her feeling bad about it than I feel about what originally happened. Has anyone effectively dealt with longstanding things like this, and how did you (or do you) approach it?
