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I have been focusing on books that just encourage opening up communication and abstaining from judgements. "nonviolent communication" and "I need your love, is that true?". I tried going over books like "the ethical slut" with her and it more turned in to arguments with her accusing me of...

Yes! Absolutely with the self identity being at stake. I think when she tells me the lifestyle is something she does sometimes, but not what she "is" inlies the heart of at least one of the bigger issues. If she doesn't identify with it at all, I would think she'd be compartmentalized and...

You guys seem really locked into this whole ultimatum scenario where I pretty much say "This is how it is...or I leave." While, your logic is spot on, and maybe I'm being a bit gullible and optimistic, I really think I'm going to continue focusing on communication and hoping that at some...

I agree, you may be right... But there's other evidence. She, for instance, did allow us to try separate rooms (simultaneously, in the same house) earlier this year. She acted like she didn't like it, but small conversation and that was over with. She had no leg to stand on. Whatever...

I wouldn't say she "tears me down", like with name calling and what not. I mean, sometimes, but not like all the time. Typically it's either stonewalling or angry judgements. Maybe that's the same thing? And to clarify - the whole giving permission and taking it away...she was never...

You are correct. I should have been more clear. "By design" was meant to imply "By her design". To clarify, I'm fine with my thoughts, in general. But when being forward and open about them, I get lost in the insults and the "But you told me..." conversations that come about.

I don't even ask for poly. I've asked to just be able to play separately with some of our mutual friends who also do that. Thus far she's given me permission, but taken it away...twice. I didn't act on it...trying to give it time to sink in. Kinda glad I didn't...since she obviously was freaking...

I do want to be married to her. My life with her is fine. It's a "slice" of my life that's off...missing...whatever. Or at least that's the best way I know to describe it. We do the whole LS thing and end up with real friends...which is the way I like it. She has sooo many more boundaries...

I'm curious if you have any interest in being poly yourself at all? I'm fairly new to this, so don't take me for some expert or anything...but the way I would look at this if I were you is like this: What exactly makes you feel inadequate? I don't think it's his interest in other women. His...

So, I'm currently in a semi-open marriage. Wife is okay with swinging when it's on her terms, but I'm more poly at heart. At least I feel that way. At this point, I wish I could meet others who are in the same or similar situation as I am... I have no desire to leave my wife what-so-ever. I'm...

You've met her husband? He's told you that he really means X when he tells her Y? Wow, why in the world is he telling you the truth and telling JOA a lie? Or are you claiming to actually know this man better than he knows himself? Or claiming that without ever having met him, you are somehow...

Amazing book. Couldn't get my wife to read it though. I really recommend "I Need Your Love, Is That True?" by Byron Katie. It's inspired several really progressive conversations with my wife and I.

I like the wording you used much better here. I think "bait" refers to a purposeful attempt at attracting or obtaining something. I can see your logic there though. The husband might feel baited... But I don't believe that's the reality of it. I think the trap of monogamy is to blame the...

I don't understand why Judgmental-max is so intent on placing blame on JOA. What need of yours does your predisposition serve? You aren't helping anyone. I think your opinion on contracted relationships is a valid one... It's just... No one cares. I see a lot of good responses, many positive...

Oh...and just my opinion...if you haven't fucked your other dude yet. I'd just not ever mention it. Like ever. What your husband doesn't know, he can't make judgements about. :eek:

I read up through about page 8, and then skipped to the last. It seems to me you might possibly be a bit too focused on the excuse he gave you (religion). He didn't give you a need of his you weren't meeting or which wouldn't be met by polyamory - he gave you an evaluation of a belief system...

This one I have put a great deal of thought into. I have thought, "What if I just tell her this is how I'm going to be, deal with it?" - The answer I get doesn't help. That is how she treats me. Ultimatums. "You are forbidden to ____ with_____!" Like the way we're "supposed" to be is all...

Could you share the link? PM me?

This has been my most recent strategy. I tried getting her to read "the ethical slut" as a "please do this for me, I want to talk abou the content of this - it's been an eye opener for me and even has activities we can do together that might help us walk through this". She has used every excuse...

inefed was Thank you for this advice! I do question whether or not I deserve what I want constantly. Even though I know I shouldn't. I try to just be open about how I feel - but the condescending response seems to taylor me away from being straight forward. I keep thinking that if I dealt with...