Only thing I think JOA needs to realize is that your husband isn't telling you no because of his religion. He's saying that because it's hard to argue against. He's not saying no because he believes in monogamy like it's the perfect relationship type. He's relying on the contract to keep you his. Essentially monogamy meets some need of his.
Lovely sarcasm, really. Unfortunately I haven't talked to the guy. I'll be honest. I read "Nonviolent Communication". I was trying to listen to the needs in the arguments the guy reportedly made. Maybe I missed? I think I was pretty close. People typically turn away from things that don't meet their needs. They rebel against these things. I can't prove this, but I promise you I don't fully believe anyone is monogamous or nonmonagamous solely due to religion. I believe that may be the reason they give, but I don't think it's THE reason. The religious excuse is what it is. Arguable. I think people choose their lifestyle based on how well it meets certain needs. Ask a few monogamous couples why they would never swing or consider polyamory and you'll hear the fear in their responses. I have actually done this on a small sample... Not scientifically...but I digress...
I don't think the guy is lying. I think he thinks the thoughts that led to his statements. His problem is that he believes his negative thoughts and he missed the needs of his wife in whatever she said to him. Bringing up religion, the contract of marriage, accusation of bait and switch: not feelings. These are evaluations of her behavior, which typically bring about EXACTLY the response she's given: resentment, discontent, etc. The 60 years thing: a threat. Reminds me of a 2 year old screaming for a passy. If you don't give me, I'll scream. Etc.
Maybe tthe guy would never choose poly, but maybe 1 conversation isn't enough.
My point was and remains: you are deciding, based on JOA's reporting, what he really means, what he really thinks, why he's really acting as he does, in what seems to be a rather judgmental way, while accusing Max of being judgmental.
Did she ever report, for instance, that he said, "No, we can't be polyamorous
only because our religion says no?" with the subtext being, "I'd love to be poly with you, I think it would be great, but religion says no?"
I will say again:
Most people, of any faith or political bent, are not going to agree to their spouse sleeping with others. MOST people are going to find it incredibly painful to find that their spouse is absolutely determined to sleep with others. MOST people are going to find it incredibly painful to finally see that their marriage and family are going to be torn apart over this.
People speak in pain. All of us. To reduce this man's very real pain--over his marriage, over his family being torn apart, over his wife wanting to sleep with other men, over realizing his children are going to face divorce and a broken family and reduced time with each parent, and possibly having a string of their mother's boyfriends in and out of their lives over the coming years--to reduce that to character judgments that he's resentful, discontent, making threats, and nothing more than a screaming child is to reduce the seriousness of what JOA is contemplating.
I do not believe it does
JOA any good to disparage her husband and assault his character.
