10 year marriage with possibilities to open up?

P

polypanda

New member
Hi Everybody,

First and foremost, thank you to everybody who is reading this. I am a little confused right now and I would like to ask you for guidance and insights.

I am a 30 yo male who is married for 10 years. We have two kids together. I love my wife a lot and I really don't want to hurt her. I love our marriage.

Our marriage has had some ups and downs, of course. Everyday life, education, career and kids... We've had our lows, but with open discussion of new roles, expectations and needs, we've managed to get better and now are at a very healthy and stable point in our relationship.

Last year, my wife brought up the topic of ethical non-monogamy, not with this term, more like, 'Would you be okay with it if I were to hook up with other guys during a long-distance relationship-phase due to international jobs etc.?' I was always poly-curious and responded positively to the idea, started to outline some rules and fears (she could find someone else who she wants to be exclusive with and leave me) I had when I envisioned this kind of open marriage.

Over the following weeks, we discussed this topic on and off. I researched a lot on the internet and gave new input to explore our sexuality, our preferences and our relationship goals from a new perspective again. In this process we found out that my wife is demisexual, doesn't care about the gender of her partner and is principally open to poly. I found out that I am at least bi-curious and open to poly too.

However, my wife also stated that she could only envision a partner that she fell in love with, which is difficult because at the same time she doesn't want to date in our social environment because she wouldn't want anyone to know.

At the same time, she reinforced that she feels strongly jealous and fears that she couldn't stand me being with another partner.

As we both had no urge to develop this thought further at that moment, we agreed to let it rest for now and see what the future brings.

Why I'm here:
Two weeks ago, I chatted with a neighbour. I complimented her hair and she offered me to cut my hair, too. I liked the idea and said I'd think about it. A few moments later I happily go inside and tell my wife about the encounter. Her reaction somehow hit me hard. 'Hell no. Body-contact.'

I played it down a little and said, 'Hey, its just hair cutting. What's the matter?' However, I've felt unbalanced ever since.

I thought a lot the last two weeks about my feelings, why I am upset and what I want vs what I say and how I act. And I feel like I haven't been honest with myself.

When I have been asked whether I liked this or that person, I used to play it down and also convince myself. How could I like them that much? I barely know them. They are like strangers to me, etc.

However the truth I discovered is: I do like her. I find her interesting and want to develop *at least* a friendship with her and see where it goes.
I also feel that I want to be more intimate with her and people around me in general. Its not even mainly a sex thing ... I just want to be nice to people I like, and feel warmth. I want to hug, I want to cuddle, to pet and maybe to kiss. And maybe maybe maybe there could be sex.
And I want this with my wife, but also with other people I like.

I feel like I am grieving because of this relationships I cannot have.

And then I think back about other encounters in our ten years and I found yes, there where times where I liked someone and would deny it in fear of hurting or losing my dear wife.

I am so sad and also afraid. I don't know what to do.

On the one hand I want to talk to her, straight away and say, 'Honey, you remember we talked about poly? I want to try it.'

On the other hand, I have doubts about how moral I am and act, and whether I would do her injustice by pushing a topic that she expressed fears about already.

I read some discussions on reddit about a few cases, where people would say something like 'You are a horrible person for even wanting this. Divorce now, your wife deserves better.'

I get there are selfish people outside there, who want to manipulate their mono partners into 'allowing them to cheat,' mostly while denying them the same freedom. I don't want to be this person. I want equal rights for both of us, but I feel that I could be more myself in a poly than in a mono marriage.

Thank you for reading this and any tips you may have.
 
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Would it be accurate to say your wife wants to have sex with other people when she travels, but does not want your neighbour to even touch you in a non-sexual way?

Because that seems rather... unfair.
 
Hello polypanda,

It sounds like you have a perfect marriage, other than this one little thing. Which is not so little. Namely, that you want open/poly, and that your wife does not want you to have that. She wants it for herself, maybe, but not for you. She is insanely jealous.

I think you are going to have to decide whether you can go the rest of your life without any open/poly -- not even getting a haircut. Because your wife seems to be pretty adamant on this topic, I'm not sure there is any way to convince her. Of course I don't think you're wrong or immoral to want open/poly, but you also can't go against your wife's wishes. What will you do? Will you get a divorce?

I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Next door neighbor might be a little too close to home. Especially if you're just starting out with poly.

Sounds like your wife was more interested in having sex with people who won't actually be in your "real life." She was thinking more like people you'll meet travelling (do you travel, though? Or just her?) I think she's being rather unrealistic, thinking she can find someone she "loves" but who won't actually want to be a part of her life in any significant way.

I get where she's coming from. There's a difference between your husband hooking up on occasion with a woman who lives far away & isn't around your community, vs your husband doing the next door neighbor you both have to see daily & interact with within the community.

But if she can't handle you getting a haircut by someone you're attracted to, I doubt poly will flow smoothly.

You guys need to really discuss why you feel you want to do this and how far your willing to go. It will change your marriage. A LOT. Where your energy flows, the things you talk about, the amount of things you keep from each other, the amount of time you spend together.....it will change everything. Good luck.
 
I'm glad you came here to discuss this with people actually familiar with polyamory. So, welcome.

Randomly researching poly on "the internet" (reddit... sigh) isn't always so productive.

Try the thread at the top of this section, which lists very good practical articles, books, and a podcast, which will give you a great overview of how to go about practicing polyamory and how to be successful, with the least amount of unhelpful expectations, mistakes and pain.

 
Reading this resonated for me, in terms of my experience on a few levels. Firstly, I was the demisexual partner in the relationship. Our relationship evolved through swinging, once we had both accepted attraction to others was no longer a taboo subject. My partner found my need for intimacy and connection wonderful for her, but a challenge to share with others, as she didn't require to the same level and preferred degrees of separation with partners. I think when we let go of a need for the boundaries to be identical and began appreciating our differences in the same light as our similarities the relationship took a much more positive direction.

The tip I can offer is that for us it condensed to whether we could have the difficult conversations. The ones, which allow both to feel safe to openly express their feelings, needs and desires. If this can happen then in my experience jealousy gives way to compersion. I recognise your dilemma, the feeling of holding back on your feelings, as you don't wish to hurt or pressure your partner into something she isn't comfortable with? Whilst also wanting to be authentic with yourself and your partner.

There's a lot at stake, I can fully appreciate the apprehension and yet my greatest learning is that in itself signifies that it is too important to hold back on communicating. Actions, even desires, I know a partner may be hurt by are something I can't keep to myself, they eat me from inside and poison the intimacy well. It looks to me that you are both on the cusp of that conversation. I hope it can be a positive one for both of you.
 
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