2 months after infadelity...

I think that married people often turn to a forum like Polyamory.com when their marriage is in trouble. Sometimes that's because the marriage isn't worth saving, but who wants to jump to that conclusion. Admittedly it is easier to give up on a marriage when you are not in the marriage. Does that make sense?

This is what I'm thinking.

I know that if Cat or I had come in here during our last rough spot everyone would have told one of us to dump the other. The thing is we love each other and chose to work it out.

What really got me was when someone said they would divorce a guy because he said another woman had nice boobs. Really?
 
LOL, good point. Boobs are, like, nice by definition.
 
Well, the situation was a bit more than just, "Hey, that chick has a nice rack!"

More like completely ignoring his wife's insecurities and instead feeding them ("Hey, I know you're feeling really upended right now, and maybe like I'm not attracted to you, but look at this chick's tits!"). Maybe not divorce-worthy by itself, but FFS, he could show some friggin' compassion to the woman he's married to, especially if she's feeling down.

Granted, all we have to go by is what we've read, so maybe there's more to it... Still, though. Ecch.
 
Well, the situation was a bit more than just, "Hey, that chick has a nice rack!"

More like completely ignoring his wife's insecurities and instead feeding them ("Hey, I know you're feeling really upended right now, and maybe like I'm not attracted to you, but look at this chick's tits!"). Maybe not divorce-worthy by itself, but FFS, he could show some friggin' compassion to the woman he's married to, especially if she's feeling down.

Granted, all we have to go by is what we've read, so maybe there's more to it... Still, though. Ecch.

Assuming he knew he doing that, right. we men rarely know what is going through a woman's mind. I kid you not :rolleyes:
 
This is what I'm thinking.

I know that if Cat or I had come in here during our last rough spot everyone would have told one of us to dump the other. The thing is we love each other and chose to work it out.

What really got me was when someone said they would divorce a guy because he said another woman had nice boobs. Really?

My husband is always pointing out nice butts. I could care less. That in and of itself is obviously not divorce worthy. But...

For two days he just kept talking about how great her breasts are! and being not among the well endowed myself my heart just ached as if mine have just never been enough. He even went as far as showing me a picture she had sent

We're not talking about occasionally pointing out a nice rack on the street. We're talking about repeatedly demeaning his own wife, for two days straight, going on and on about some other woman's tits, all while being completely oblivious to the hell he was putting his own wife through. Shitty shitty shitty. Then he forgot to feed their kid not once, not twice, but three times. Because he was playing video games. That's bad enough if you're a 12 year old left to babysit your little sister when you'd rather be out with your friends. But this is supposed to be a grown man with grown-up responsibilities. Forgetting. To. Feed. His. Child.

More than anything, though, it was the obviousness with which her husband just makes her feel like crap, pretty much all the time. That's not just a question of "communication" or "learning to express your love." That's characteristic of just being a dick, and you can't fix a dick who doesn't admit he's a dick.

Bottom line is that you can save pretty much any marriage, even abusive ones, if both people honestly recognize there's a problem, genuinely want to fix it, and commit to the massively difficult process of repairing what's broken. But when one person is being a total ass hat and the other is being their punching bag, there are only two choices: resign yourself to a life of shit, or leave. You can't change other people, and you really can't change people who think they're perfectly fine and it's you who has the problem.
 
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What he does from here could make or break it...

I guess when I ended it with H.R. because "I wanted my marriage to work" (that was the reason I gave him)... I hoped hubs would do the same with his gf... I didn't want to pressure him or force the choice on him in any way. I wanted it to be his choice. I wanted US to be his choice. But, to the contrary, he came to me last night informing me that he has been offered an invitation to visit her in real life, taking their romance to the physical level.

Her plan is to leave her husband after the holidays (he has no idea about their relationship, a fact that I only hate all the more because he is in the military) and then, have my hubs come out to visit her in February.

I don't think I can handle this. :(

My initial response was that this is a topic we can revisit in Jan if and when she actually leaves but that Feb seemed awful fast for having just walked out of her marriage. However, I have been contemplating divorce so frequently of late... I'm afraid if he does this it will be the final nail in the coffin.

I told him as much at 4am when I was coming to bed and he was waking up. It was a brief exchange where he said he was worried I would feel that way and he was also aware that I had hoped he would end it when I ended my thing. Then after his shower I was awakened to him being rather pissed... I have a feeling things are about to get ugly.

I don't know how understanding I am supposed to be. It seems like in an open marriage physical intimacy would be part of the package. I know a certain amount of jealousy is normal and certainly that has been exacerbated by some of his behaviors. But I keep feeling like for her the goal is to get her hooks in my husband. A concern I have voiced to him more than once which he always responds to with "She respects you too much for that" and I respond with "You expect me to believe she respects me more than her own husband?" ... Not to mention, How exactly is a woman luring my husband to cheat respecting me in the first place?...

I had been planning to meeting the last guy in March. When it ended I figured my time would be better spent taking my sister on a cruise. Hubs actually told me yesterday that I could hook up on the cruise if I wanted to but to use a condom and not tell him about it... and... Wow! He is the only man I have been physical with for 11 years... and the man I was with before him was my ex husband... and now he thinks I want or could even find it in myself to have meaningless sex with a complete stranger?

I had started to doubt I could bring myself to be with another person physically in any capacity regardless of being married, single or poly and that was a factor I considered when I stopped dating the last guy as well... I don't want to be leading people on... I am much older than I was the last time I was on the market and all the confidence that comes with the body of a 23 year old is long gone.

I am considering as a first next step... not sharing a bedroom with him anymore. My daughter and I can share the master and he can have her room... I know a lot of you think I should just leave on account of everything else but... I have to do this in steps if I do it at all...Would moving him into a separate room be appropriate do you think?

I would also need to set myself up to be financially independent, which may involve going back to school but will def require I find a better job as the two part time ones I have just won't cut it.

Please advise.
 
.. I am much older than I was the last time I was on the market and all the confidence that comes with the body of a 23 year old is long gone.....

You're 34. Many people would say that you're just beginning. The confidence you feel or don't feel about your body has nothing to do with you age and everything to do with your self perception. 34!!!
 
I guess when I ended it with H.R. because "I wanted my marriage to work" (that was the reason I gave him)... I hoped hubs would do the same with his gf...

This is a completely unreasonable expectation. Assume NOTHING! If you haven't actually said "I need you to end it with her, if I have to end it with HR", then you have no right to expect the same. He has every right to be pissed that you expected this without stating it out loud.

COUNSELING, COUNSELING, COUNSELING!!!

Go see a marriage counselor before doing anything drastic, like kicking him out of the master bedroom, moving the kids around and disrupting their lives. However, it is never a bad idea to start figuring out how to make yourself financially independent. Having a goal and working towards that goal can make you feel better about you.
 
I am sorry you deal in this. :(

I think your husband giving you the green light to hook up on the cruise is not about you.

I think it is about him assuaging his guilt that he chooses to be in a cheating affair knowing that the Other Husband is in the dark and that you don't like it to the point of considering divorce. Giving you that "freedom" doesn't "whitewash" his behavior.

But I don't know what he is actually thinking with that. It's just me guessing. I could guess wrong.

The more important thing is that YOU don't sound happy there. You could choose to get out. If you have to remain quiet and change jobs first and THEN get out -- could do that.
I think the best thing you can do is to go see a counselor to talk and make a plan of attack and ask them their input for how to best approach this. A step by step approach to leaving (which you seem willing to do) --- but WHAT steps in what order? Have them help you.

If you cannot stand sleeping with him in the master bedroom right now? Don't. Ask him to swap or you go sleep on the couch. However it is you solve that.

Don't have sex with him. I don't think you should trust him to use protection with other partners. He cannot keep agreements.

To me you do not sound up for being in polyship with this cheating woman and your hubby. Because they began by cheating on her hubby and keeping secrets from you.

You seem to vote "no confidence" on her or your hubby respecting any agreements with you when you observe them both continuing to cheat on her agreements with her husband. And treating you poorly.

She is cheating, and he is helping her to cheat.

There's no sugar coating that. :(

Galagirl
 
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This is a completely unreasonable expectation. Assume NOTHING! If you haven't actually said "I need you to end it with her, if I have to end it with HR", then you have no right to expect the same. He has every right to be pissed that you expected this without stating it out loud.

COUNSELING, COUNSELING, COUNSELING!!!

Go see a marriage counselor before doing anything drastic, like kicking him out of the master bedroom, moving the kids around and disrupting their lives. However, it is never a bad idea to start figuring out how to make yourself financially independent. Having a goal and working towards that goal can make you feel better about you.


I didn't expect him to I hoped he would make a choice that reflected a concern for the health of our marriage.

It is one thing to say you want it to work and your spouse means more to you than anything... It is another thing to mean it.

He went outside our marriage, he got a gf and hid it from me for two months. I don't expect I should have to give him a list of do's and don'ts if that is what he wants let him have it. But... I deserve better... I deserved better than being neglected for two years I deserved better than being cheated on. And I deserve better than a husband who continues to put his personal gratification above our marriage.

I don't feel like I even know him anymore. I used to think he was a man if strong moral conviction certainly if I were doing to him what his gf is doing to her husband he would be destroyed... Yet some how he is rationalizing all this sneeking around behind his back in his own mind like some how it is okay because it's not him who is getting cheated on.

Also, he isn't pissed that I didn't tell him that I hoped he would break it off. He is pissed that if he does go through with screwing his gf I intend to leave him. He wants to have his cake and eat it too... It's that simple.
 
You do deserve better.

Let him be pissed he cannot have cake and eat it too.

You do what is right for YOU.

Stay safe, ok? See a counselor and sort out your approach. While there assess your risk for domestic violence with the counselor. I hope it doesn't turn out that way but sometimes the leaving time can get crazy. :(

Galagirl
 
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