A 20yr relationship turning towards a 3rd person into the relationship

[Cat.!]

Wow it's been a while. I apologise .
So it happened they had sex!

I don't know what's wrong with me because I keep picturing them together.
He didn't respond to 1 txt I sent after they had been intimate.
I feel uneasy and my stomach is in knots.
Is this normal?

If I ask anything he changes the subject.

 

[GalaGirl]

He didn't respond to 1 txt I sent after they had been intimate.

Depending on what the text was, that might be intruding on their date.

If I ask anything he changes the subject.

What are you asking? Because every dyad needs privacy.

So you could ask basics like "Were safer sex practices used?" because you need to look out for your own sex health since you are also his lover even if less often.

But could not ask personal questions like "How was it? Is she better than me? Did you have oral?" Because TMI details are NOT your business.

I imagine you would not want husband blabbing TMI details about you to KH.

If this JUST happened, he also may need some time and space to process. It may not have been what he imagined.

For both of you? It sounds not like "first time with KH" but that AND "first time without ANYONE outside the marriage" so it like double load.

You don't have benefit of past experiences to go "Oh, he always gets like ____ with new partners. I always get ____. What helps is ____ and by ___ weeks/months in, it all calms down again."

And then of course the new partner (KH in this case) will have similar.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

Wow it's been a while. I apologise .
So it happened they had sex!

I don't know what's wrong with me because I keep picturing them together.
He didn't respond to 1 txt I sent after they had been intimate.
I feel uneasy and my stomach is in knots.
Is this normal?

If I ask anything he changes the subject.

You sound anxious.
Could be normal, why not. You may ask him to help with particular uncertainties if he's willing. If he's not willing right now, you could process on your own or with someone else.
You two will likely need time to reconnect, but it could take some time for the individual feelings to settle enough to make it even possible. And, as much as that sucks, your individual timelines may not match.

 

[Magdlyn]

Wow, you have given me a lot to consider. I didn't see it like that, but it's helpful. Thank you.

I have already said I don't wanna know what they do. That's between them. I am hoping she gets the bad side of him too, because me dealing with bad things and KH only getting the good times together would drive me mad I think.

This might be your main worry. You don't want to be the boring, everyday, chores and child care place, and his time spent with KH is a sexy fun times romp. Maybe you're aware now that many, if not most relationships, start with a honeymoon phase. This is a biological hormonal state that our bodies and thereby our minds go through. It's part of NRE.

Eventually the shine of a new person starts to wear off and time spent together starts to feel more normal. KH might ask BB to take out the trash, to fix something in the house, to help her deal with or be patient with a health issue, or something her kid is going through, and then maybe it would be "the bad side, dealing with bad things" of which you speak. A real relationship is based on a "for better or worse" mentality. It's the hard times that test a relationship. If a couple survives trials together, true love is there.

KH has been single for a long time, so this is very beneficial to her needs as Well as his.

I trust them both to make the right decisions for all of us. I already feel love for KH so to me Love is Love.

This is opening my eyes to a lot of things I never thought to consider. He has said it is just sex in his mind. But I think he's lying to himself because there is a lot that could go wrong if it was just sex (which I hope it's not).

For me, poly is a way of life that we can all enjoy eventually.

 

[Magdlyn]

Wow it's been a while.

So it happened, they had sex! I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep picturing them together. He didn't respond to a txt I sent after they had been intimate. I feel uneasy and my stomach is in knots. Is this normal?

If I ask anything, he changes the subject.

It's been like 7 months since your last post. Have BB and KH only just now had sex?

Do you mean you sent him a text when he was still on his date with her, their first sex date? Lots of people don't like receiving texts from their SOs when they are with their OSO, unless it's an emergency. After all, on a date, the couple should be focused on each other. But if it's a long date, like a whole weekend or longer, you could set up ahead of time a time to have a good morning or good night text session, just lasting a short time.

What exactly are you asking him that he refuses to answer? Are you also talking to KH? Is she sharing anything (enough, not enough, too much)?

It is normal for you to picture them having sex, and to feel anxiety (stomach in knots). Even though you wanted this, it is new, you don't know specifically what to expect to happen, and you do fear this will change your relationship with BB. You have hopes it will be a change for the better, since he would be happier if he got the sexual release he needs (more often than you do). But maybe you're afraid it will actually change things for the worse, or BB will neglect his household or childcare duties, etc.

I'm not sure if you read Opening Up in the months since your last post. It covers every eventuality of a new poly relationship, what to expect, how to handle them.