A 20yr relationship turning towards a 3rd person into the relationship

Cat.!

New member
Hi I am new to polyamory if that is what my marriage is heading towards.

I live in the UK and have not found a forum with fellow UK residents .

I absolutely love my husband, the only man I have slept with but we are facing some issues.

My sexdrive for the last 6 years has been very low due to medications I need to take. My husband I will call BB for this thread. Well he has Been very patient with me.

I have a best friend who at one point was in a relationship with my brother and produced a Niece for me. That relationship didn't work and ended 8 years ago.
I will call her KH for this. Well she continued to visit me with my niece and we became very close. Closer than a best friend but not a lover if that makes sense.

Previously we had a three some and was enjoyed by all involved. Although it didn't happen again. Our friendship just grew stronger.

Recently BB expressed he was struggling with the lack of a healthy sex life. He brought up my friendship with KH and maybe we could arrange for her to help with this. Initially I was apprehensive as I didn't want to risk losing her as my closest friend I have ever had. I absolutely adore KH and I want my BB to be happy and content.

I never knew there was a name for this polyamory?

I have read a lot online about jealousy and dosand donts.
I am conflicted I want BB to be happy because he says he loves me and doesn't want our marriage to end.
We have discussed how this will work. Will he have sex with KH and enjoy it more than me? Will that lead to something else.

I am confused because yesterday we had very passionate sex. The best it has ever been.

I guess I'm on here to understand things better with help from people in a similar situation..
 

TXretired

Active member
Welcome. It sounds like you two are solid. All marriages have struggles and many don’t survive. Hopefully, the two of you can do some reading and lots of talking. Then if both are good with it, fine. Small steps.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Would it be easier if he didn't pursue your best friend KH? Like you are up for open marriage / poly, but not with him dating your best friend, parents, boss, etc? People where if things went wrong, could get really messy.

Who would be the "messy people" on your list? Or on his list?

Galagirl
 

Evie

Mod
It might help to realise that sex with KH (or someone else) would be different to sex with you, and eventually more frequent than sex with you, but that doesn't diminish the quality or uniqueness of the sex he has with you. I understand that because you've had him as a sole partner, you've got nothing to compare with, but take it from someone who has had multiple sexual partners, there really is a lot of differences in the way it happens and there's very little point in thinking of it as better or worse. You know you and BB have great sex. He may have great sex with a new partner, too, but it will be different.

As for you wondering if it will lead to something else... probably. We're rather programmed to develop affection for people we have intercourse with. He could become twitterpated with her and be a little distant during that time (although you can mitigate that by educating yourselves on how to deliberately connect during that time), but those rose tinted glasses always come off eventually and if you can remember that it's really just a part of your journey, not the end to it, then a lovely balance can settle in.

Poly after mono is a learning curve and can be hard emotional work at times, but it can also become a lovely new normal.

All the best for whatever you decide.
 

Token2

Member
I come from a swinging background. Lots of experience of the London scene although I am not based there.

I feel a bit uncomfortable about your husband looking at someone who in many ways is your sister-in-law. Maybe because you all went there before it feels like an easier ask?

Reading your post, I don't think he's specifically asking or looking for poly. It reads to me like he wants to open the relationship for additional sexual possibilities. The emotional rollercoaster ride of adjustment feels similar either way - but sex is just sex, and becoming non-exclusive together is easily done by checking out clubs or private parties, joining sites together.

I'm no poly expert, but reading these forums it seems poly relationships fall into being a little more individual.

Swinging was perfect for my primary relationship for many years, it brought us together, liberated me in so many ways, gave my partner the opportunity to explore the sex life he never had in his youth etc.

Poly is right for us now as we're focused on deeply connecting, having relationships and finding mutual love. My primary partner is straight, we are not unicorn hunters - as in finding a female friend to love us both is not a focus. I have a straight boyfriend, my primary will one day have a girlfriend. If she's bi and we like eachother AMAZING, but there's no expectation of the people/relationships we will find.

KH is an individual with freewill, she might be an easy start for a concept to play with but she's on her own journey.

Be honest about which concept scares you less - sex/swinging or real relationships that happen to have sex involved. Then explore concepts through conversations, then online explorations of sites/stories/forums then dip your toes in before diving.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Cat.!,
You can find more UK people in the following threads:
Also, here are some resources to help you get more familiar with open/poly:
Look into whatever calls to you in the above list; post here with any questions that may arise for you. Hopefully the posts so far (in this thread) have helped.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Tinwen

Active member
IMHO your thoughts are running ahead of events trying to figure out an outcome where you can't predict it.

You have a good thing going with your husband and your friend. You're open to intimacy. You've had a threesome and it went well.
Do you want to repeat it, or not?
Your husband wants to sleep with your friend. Are you ok with it, or not?
Are you two committed, or not?

Yeah, sex produces bonding, so their relationship could deepen. Don't sleep with someone unless you feel ok deepening. (That's for KH to consider too.) But would that take any of your love and commitment?

If you're willing to keep open to intimacy and committed to each other regardless of other relationships, go with the joy.
If it's not bringing you joy, pause. He's your husband, she's your best friend, so hopefully they have your best interest in mind too - you can work it out.
 

Cat.!

New member
Thankyou for the advice. It is greatly appreciated.

Maybe I'm an overthinker. I absolutely adore my husband and we have raised three amazing children together. He works very hard to provide for us.

My thinking is that by us entering a poly which is what we are doing . He is able to get a release not always possible with me. He has assured me that what we have together is his priority. But in the same sense he deserves some thing extra.

I'm good with that with the hope it will strengthen us and I think as long as we open with each other we can make it.

KH is more than happy to do this the three of us have a special connection which we can't explain.
I hope KH can enjoy it as much as BB .

Maybe it can broaden our horizons. Open us up to other things. If BB is happy I'm happy .

My only worry is that I loose him to KH . Like sex with her is better?
No stress from a wife n 3 kids
Can feelings grow between them?

Thankyou for the information it has helped.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Can feelings grow between them?
Yup, they totally can.
But what does it mean "feelings"?
Does falling in love mean wanting no other for him? for you? for her? Think about THAT carefully. Talk about that. For some people it does. But for most, it doesn't have to.
Another question is, how much TIME do you need from your husband. Is there space-time to let another relationship grow?
She's your best friend, so you'll enjoy time together. But they'll need alone time too, and you'll need alone time with your husband, AND with her.

But mostly, you can't know the outcome. You could have an occasional fwb thing going on for the next ten years. Or they could fight and stop seeing each other two weeks in. They could fall in love madly. He could leave you, or you could become a committed triad extended houshold and you could be there to raise your niece. Or she might find someone else after a year and stop the sex part, back to friends. This is the part you can't control.

What you can do is check if your wishes and expectations align, and if you decide to go in, go with curiosity to learn and a commitment to personal growth, honesty and courage to resolve conflicts, and trust and goodwill overall.
 

tdh

Active member
Reading your post, I don't think he's specifically asking or looking for poly. It reads to me like he wants to open the relationship for additional sexual possibilities. The emotional rollercoaster ride of adjustment feels similar either way - but sex is just sex, and becoming non-exclusive together is easily done by checking out clubs or private parties, joining sites together.
I read it this way too. Beyond this, if an option, consider a legal sex worker(s). It would be a clearer boundary IMO and avoid, in theory, some of the stress of losing a KH as a friend/family member.

Just to caution too you can not judge today by the one time 3some. So using that as your gauge is can create a false sense of understanding or trust. Focus on making your needs are maintained in the opening up process and make sure you understand today. Poly might be more about opening your heart and creating lasting bond a potential V or triad (closed or open?) between you, BB, and KH, where as something like swinging might be more of just friends with benefits/purely casual with being more in the moment and not longer term emotional bonds .
 

Cat.!

New member
We have has numerous conversations about our sex lives. I respect the fact that he came to me and told me that what he was getting was not enough. He could have very easily had extra marital affairs to clench his need for satisfaction. He didn't so for that I respect him.

We have had an amazing life together and I couldn't imagine my life without him.
I have brought the subject up a few times about him getting something extra. I am okay with it.

I don't want him going to an outsider I think by KH being the 3rd I can trust that they will both respect me enough to be open with me which is what I've asked.

Boundaries need to be dealt with I know that but in what way can this be achieved is my question?
The 1st time they do this where?
How much is ok ?
There are certain things sexually I feel should remain between us two. But is that fair?
The longer this goes on for i know feelings are going to change and I accept that.

I am looking forward to a happier husband and that is my hope.

All 3 of us have an amazing bond and we respect each other immensely.
 

tdh

Active member
Thanks for that extra detail Cat.! about desire and goal.

So you trust KH which was not how I read things before. That is a good start. Do you trust him?

As for negotiations, focus on your core needs and emotions without judgement. Sometimes I recommend using a feelings lists (e.g. https://wasatchfamilytherapy.com/archives/27325) to help someone do that. Give yourself the boundary, suggestions, or scenero and then pick the words, without commentary or judgement, that you feel.

After you work through knowing exactly how you feel, then you can figure out what you need or what you need to talk about to feel comfortable moving forward if moving forward is the only option.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
It sounds like you are looking for an open relationship where he and KH can share sex. And you prefer KH to some stranger.

But are concerned that them sharing sex will lead to feelings. In polyamory? Sharing feelings/love is the point. "Polyamory" means "many loves."

So while you are still negotiating agreements, safer sex practices, labs, accidental pregnancy, etc... be sure you are all on the same page.

And if feelings DID happen... then what?

Or they break up. Or you and BB do. Then what? You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness. Hopefully the emergency plan is never needed, and all goes fine. But if it does go wahoonie? That's not the time to start thinking about emergency preparedness. YKWIM?

Consider reading "Opening Up." The free worksheets that used to be on the website are wonky since the website is wonky, but they are in the book.


Galagirl
 
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Evie

Mod
The 1st time they do this where?
Might be easier to put a boundary on where not rather than solve one "where". Maybe you want to say, not your marital bed, please use a spare bedroom. Or maybe not your house, please use KH's house or a motel.

How much is ok ?
Honestly, everything. Trying to police their sex life with rules about how much they can do at any given time is setting everyone up for failure.

There are certain things sexually I feel should remain between us two. But is that fair?
No, it's not fair, it's called couple's privilege and it's deliberately exclusionary and diminishes the autonomy of the other person. It would be a bit mean to do that to KH.

However, this is something to talk with BB about and perhaps he'll agree with you that he also wants to keep some specific thing unique to you, in which case he needs to think about how he'll manage it if KH asks for that thing (because, "no, I only do that with Cat" would likely be a hurtful way to say that, always better to have a plan how to act rather than react).

So there is room for nuance within your question but I'd recommend not taking whole genres of sex acts (e.g. "oral sex") off the table. Be specific, and be prepared for it to go both ways.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Most of your concerns are being addressed, but you mentioned that you want them to not do certain sexual practices. You want those reserved just for you. I think in the very beginning, many newbies would like their partner's sexual explorations to happen in stages. Some resources do recommend very gradual steps. First date, no touching. Second date, maybe a good night kiss. Third date, fondling. Maybe actual intercourse on the 4th date.

The thing is, some adults, especially one with a strong sex drive like your husband, would find it very hard (ahem) to move so gradually. And so they can slip up, and feel guilt afterwards and maybe lie or tell half truths about what they did. Generally it's better to just let what they do together be between the two of them. It's not really respectful to be giving them guidelines on what they may or may not do. You may be seen as too controlling if you tell them that X sex act is off limits.

You don't ask what he did with her. And he doesn't describe anything they did in great detail to you. It's not really your business. Each couple deserves their privacy. You probably don't want your husband telling her what he does with you, right?

Besides, no matter which sex act it is, the style, the way they do it, will differ because there will be a different sexual energy since your friend is not you. That does not mean their sex will be better or worse, just that it will definitely be different.

Edit:
Oops, I didn't see Evie's reply before I wrote mine.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
How will you feel when you best friend and your husband get consumed by NRE?

When she will be new and fun for your husband and his focus will be on her?
 

Cat.!

New member
Wow you have given me a lot to consider. I didn't see it like that but it's helpful. Thankyou.

I have already said I don't wanna know what they do that's between them. I am hoping she gets the bad side of him too because me dealing with bad things and KH only getting the good times together would drive me mad I think.

KH has been single for a long time so this is very beneficial to her needs as Well as his.

I trust them both to make the right decisions for all of us. I already feel love for KH so to me Love is Love.

This is opening my eyes to a lot of things I never thought to consider. He has said it is just sex in his mind. But I think he's lying to himself because there is a lot that could go wrong if it was just sex. Which I hope it's not.

For me poly is a way of life that we can all enjoy eventually.

Thankyou so much for your help and understanding. It's refreshing not to be judged.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Keep in mind, NRE causes people to wear rose-colored glasses, as well as to put their best foot forward. So it is unlikely that KH will "get the bad side of BB" at first. The good news is that NRE doesn't last forever, so KH will have to deal with the bad eventually. You must try to be patient with that process.

I think you are actually handling the situation really well, open/poly is always really hard at first. Hang in there.
 
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