A Beating?

M

MrMatou

New member
In my previous thread, I alluded to a woman I was seeing besides my life partner. It was my relationship with her that finally precipitated my journey towards an open relationship with my life partner.

My outside friend is in an LDR with her boyfriend. Recently he was visiting her and when she was at work, he broke into her FaceBook account and messaged me. In the message he said "I can accommodate a beating without emotion" . Its turned out to be an empty threat, so far.

So besides the fact I don't like being threatened. What do you folks think about this? Is it a romantic gesture to his GF? Or an devolved primate response?

I have my own opinions I will share after I hear what you think.
 
Sounds to me like he is not at all on board with the idea of an open relationship. Did he even know before he came to visit? Or is he somebody who agreed to it somewhat reluctantly and is finding himself not at all happy with the reality of it?

Sounds like some tough conversations to have with your new interest - if you continue to see her.
 
MrMatou said:
So besides the fact I don't like being threatened. What do you folks think about this? Is it a romantic gesture to his GF? Or an devolved primate response?
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My feeling? Never mind which one, it's messy, run from him (her).
 
InfinitePossibility said:
Sounds to me like he is not at all on board with the idea of an open relationship. Did he even know before he came to visit? Or is he somebody who agreed to it somewhat reluctantly and is finding himself not at all happy with the reality of it?

Sounds like some tough conversations to have with your new interest - if you continue to see her.
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Apparently he is not on board. I didn't inquire much into their relationship and what agreements they had about seeing other/FWB when apart. I really didn't want to know (my bad). But I believe women should be free to make their own choices.

I am more curious what people think of this idea of threatening physical violence when you find out your SO was cheating.
 
My reading of his phrasing would be that he is somewhat passively telling you that you have inflicted some kind of beating upon *him* but that he can take it on the chin, emotionally speaking. I don't see a threat of violence there, but then again, American English is sufficiently different to British English to lead to miscommunication across the pond (e.g. "I couldn't care less" vs. "I could care less") that you might want to give the interpretation of other US posters more weight than me. But either way, it's clear that he wasn't expecting her to have had any kind of relationship with you, and so I would probably back off even more than you already have until they have sorted things out between themselves.
 
Are you sure it is you and not her he is threatening?

Leetah
 
tenK said:
My reading of his phrasing would be that he is somewhat passively telling you that you have inflicted some kind of beating upon *him* but that he can take it on the chin, emotionally speaking.
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TenK, that is an interpretation I hadn't even considered. But from what she has told me about him, I think its a threat. I also think he is an abusive and manipulative creep from how he treats her. But that's their dynamic. Right now, we are on a platonic level. We'll see if that changes.
 
Leetah said:
Are you sure it is you and not her he is threatening?

Leetah
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Leetah, I am pretty sure the threat was directed at me. From what she told me a week ago, he has since "offered her an open relationship". But it sounded more like swinging together, than a FWB with me or anyone else. I think they are both pretty clueless what an open relationship really means. Perhaps I will know more when he leaves.
 
I think that threats of violence - and following through on those threats is pretty common when one person feels cheated on.

Remember that women are more at risk of being murdered by a partner or a previous partner than by anybody else in the world.

Violence in romantic relationships is fairly common place.

I don't at all agree with it but it can hardly be unexpected that this guy might react like that.

Angry spouses is one of the main reasons to make sure that all parties are on board with open relationships before new connections even begin to lean toward the romantic.

In my early 20s I once spent several hours talking to a sad and broken man who was probably in his 50s. He told me of his regrets and how he'd wasted his youth and now had few prospects. He'd just been released from prison where he'd spent 20 or so years after finding his wife in bed with another man and killing the other man in his rage.

A friend of mine once held a man in her arms while he died - he'd been stabbed in a falling out over both of them seeing the same woman.

Open relationships are outside the norm of society. Reacting violently to jealousy, sadly, is not. So care needs to be taken when embarking on open or poly relationships to choose partners carefully.
 
I am more curious what people think of this idea of threatening physical violence when you find out your SO was cheating.
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FWIW? I think these things....

1) It is not ok to break into other people's FB, or to threaten people.

2) The acting out? Not uncommon. I think most women are used to that possibility.... there's a reason why women get hurt/killed by partners so much. It is not ok, but it is there.

On his part? I think it may be part of that whole shock/denial stage that is in the first stages of grief. With some of the anger stage thrown in. And a lack of self control and/or experience with shocks. One could wait after the initial wave from emotional brain and try to avoid any behavior until rational brain gets a chance to kick in again. That's why some people "feel numb" at first. It protects them from hurting too bad at first.

IME, people who don't like to sit with yucky feelings are quick to "get them away" as fast as possible. It is sometimes easier to blame "the new person" than the cheating partner and think that new person "made them" do whatever. Because one is experiencing internal conflict. Still wanting to love/trust the cheater, but struggling with betrayal, so it's easier to "outsource" all the garbage feelings on "the bad stranger."

Rather than to sort through those feelings and look closer to home and ask why the cheating partner cheated/misled them, etc. Or how one may have contributed to the situation making (neglect, ignoring, always having a cow, etc)

3) I would walk away from her. Not even try to be platonic friends. Because she didn't clear that up first before dating you and you don't deserve to be treated that way. You don't need to be with a dishonest person. To me she would have messed up trust too much for me to trust again.

I didn't inquire much into their relationship and what agreements they had about seeing other/FWB when apart. I really didn't want to know (my bad).
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4) I would change your vetting practices to ask rather than ignore in future. That behavior does not serve you well. The last thing you need is some jealous person with a gun. FB threats is bad enough.

But I believe women should be free to make their own choices.
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I think everyone is free to make their own choices. But they are not free FROM the consequences of those choices.

On your end? You did not ask. So she didn't have to directly mislead you. I don't know if it was lies of omission or what... but in the end you became an unwitting cheating accomplice. She did not obtain your consent for that. You got used.

Your next behavior could be to dump the cheater completely and move on.

That she also misled him too and he's having a cow now? Well, you are out of the picture. Let her clean up her other behavior messes WITHOUT you in it.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks GalaGirl & InfinitePossibility for your comments. I think your analysis of why he acted out is probably pretty accurate without me being in someone else's head.

What really pisses me off about being threatened is this stupid story we grow up with about how a "real man" defends his possession, i.e. his woman. That these poor little weak women are defenseless against men seducing them. i.e. woman have no sexual agency of their own.

Your advice to "dump the cheater and move on" is pretty sound advice. Unfortunately in this rural, small town, redneck hell hole I live in (can't move) the dating pool is fractions of an inch deep. My friend is posted here in a professional position for 9-12 months. So there was a expiration date on our relationship. That seemed safer for me who wants a FWB, but not a committed LTR. Finding a "single" intelligent, adventurous, sexual lady around here is pretty slim picking.

Isn't life interesting.
 
We can only guess what that guy is thinking. But I am glad it brings you some ideas/comfort. It stinks to be in this situation.

What really pisses me off about being threatened is this stupid story we grow up with about how a "real man" defends his possession, i.e. his woman.
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That is pervasive in society sometimes.

Though I would suggest that what he's "defending" is his "pride," his "position" or his "masculinity" and not so much "the woman." Because we are taught that a man who cannot keep "his woman in line" is a wuss or something. Those teachings are more about him and his self perception than the actual well being of the lady.

Taking it as an attack on his personhood rather than viewing that relationship with X as simply not a match for whatever reason or behaviors.

There are also people who view relationships as "possessive" rather than "participatory." Treating people or relationships as static objects or static possessions.

Like a relationship is a book you can put on a shelf and it should just be there whenever you want it with no further doing needed. Not even dusting, because even a dusty book can still be read. Like once obtained doesn't really change and no maintenance really required.

Rather than viewing the care and keeping of a relationship more like a plant. Which still needs active care and tending after purchase -- otherwise all you have is dead plant. It's in the word "relationship" -- some kind of back and forth relating action happening. Not just... nothing.

I think people who understand that relationships are "participatory" might do better.

Galagirl
 
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OP, did you tell her this happened? That he broke into her FB and sent that message? If you haven't, do so now. She needs to know this pronto.
 
Re (from OP):
"I can accommodate a beating without emotion."
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I'm still not sure whether this is a threat. I can see how it could mean, "I can take an emotional beating as long as you two just had sex without emotion." I don't mean you shouldn't be concerned, but I don't think this other guy is a very good communicator.

You should definitely tell your outside friend what happened. She has more of an ability to figure out what he was really trying to say.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from OP):


I'm still not sure whether this is a threat. I can see how it could mean, "I can take an emotional beating as long as you two just had sex without emotion." I don't mean you shouldn't be concerned, but I don't think this other guy is a very good communicator.

You should definitely tell your outside friend what happened. She has more of an ability to figure out what he was really trying to say.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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No, he isn't a good communicator. Frankly, he is pretty weird and for the life of me I can't see what she sees in this guy.

I told her as soon as I could that day, but I don't think she got the message before he blind sided her when she got home. I guess they worked it out. Don't know.
 
Sounds pretty dysfunctional.
 
I guess I'd want to know what he thinks he meant by "a beating." Heck, I'm a Dom, & I've done demos where I let myself get bruised up rather nicely. :) That would move us into another Can O' Worms entirely as to whether BDSM is "violent" & therefore automatically bad...
 
I consider it to be fine as long as it is based on mutual consent.
 
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