I'm new. And in a huge huge mess. I'm not even sure what I'm really looking for here. Mainly just...I don't know, a place to talk about it?
I've been lurking here for a month. I've been reading everything. Let me just say, this place has helped me A LOT. I've would've lost my mind a long time ago had it not been for the Master Thread and other people's posts on the forum.
I'm scared to post this, because I know I've done stupid things. I know this isn't the best way to get involved with Poly (and I also realize that some may not consider this poly at all, but cheating..yes, the C word..). But I really just want to to get this off my chest and hear what others have to say, despite the fact that not all of it will be easy to hear...
In the beginning of the year, my hubby and I split up. It was a 10 year marriage that just didn't work. Throughout our relationship, I allowed him to sleep with other women. It wasn't a relationship thing (at least, I didn't think it was), more of a swinging type thing, but I myself didn't have a relationship outside the marriage.
I grew up with parents who ALWAYS fought and who were always jealous. One simply could not fulfill the wishes of the others, so I never understood why they didn't seek fulfillment elsewhere and instead insisted on things that just didn't work. It never bothered me that my husband slept with other women (he had four - not at the same time), it took the pressure off me. I myself had a sexual need that he couldn't fulfill. I have never dated or had relations with anyone else before, so I honestly didn't realize that my own needs weren't being met on a conscious level. It was driving a wedge between my husband and I. He really felt put off that I didn't seem attracted to him. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to him, just the stress of life plus my own sexual desires didn't...match, so yeah..
Anyway, I found out one of the women he slept with he actually did fall in love with. They had been talking to each other and sharing things with each other for over a year. I was so at my wits end with the whole thing, I ended it with him. I was angry over A LOT of things in our relationship, but that was just the straw the broke the camel's back. It wasn't the fact that he loved her. It was the fact he treated me like absolute garbage during this time, blaming me for so many things, yet in the end, he was the one that was being dishonest. I always told him he could tell me if he wanted to keep another relationship in his life if he just told me the truth. Apparently, he couldn't do that because he couldn't accept that he had a "wandering eye."
Realizing after 5 years of this constant marital problems that we simply couldn't reach any kind of a balance, I ended things with him. Unfortunately, we still live together in separate rooms. I allowed his new woman to move in with us. I don't mind it. She and I are actually quite close friends and I have no anger toward her. He lied to her, several times, and its NOT her fault that he's...well a prick for misleading her.
Well at work, I met this guy. We will call him L. L and I hit it off quickly. The sparks were absolutely amazing. He told me right away he was married, and he would not leave his wife. The fetish I had been suppressing for several years was one he was very much into. He told me straight up his wife had rules about relationships, that that was 1. no falling in love, 2. no leaving her 3. no breaking up other relationships (as in I couldn't be married and he date a cheater..etc), and 4. no pregnancies. 11 days after we realized our feelings for each other, he told his wife. She had a stroke about it.
He called me up and ended it. It was..devastating.
We stayed away from each other, but yes, we did stay in contact and we did work with each other. She constantly berated him, made threats to him, just did a lot of things that drove him further away from her. I continued my contact with him and yes, we did start seeing each other again.
Finally, I transferred to a different department. We didn't break contact. Finally, I told L I didn't want to continue with the deception. Just tell her the truth because I was tired of being the third person and I was having a tough time seeing him so depressed. He told me he didn't know what to do, he wanted both of us. I said I was perfectly open to sharing and he said his wife always said she was too until it actually happened, then she would revoke it and this mess would happen again. At one point, he did end the relationship with her, but broke down 2 days later.
I started to believe he was lying to me, until I met her myself.
Things were getting bad. He was ultra depressed and so was I. We would try to end contact and not continue, but always ended up seeing each other again. Finally, his wife called me, saying that her husband was listless and in bad shape, that she needed to meet me and we could all work something out. I agreed.
She then continued to explain to me what she thought had happened. She was afraid that he was going to leave her for me (which he had already done, even if it was for 2 days...), but then told me everything L had told me in the beginning. That she told him he could look for a girlfriend, that he could see one, and that our relationship was technically in the rules, but she was just upset that we had admitted our feelings and saw each other before she gave the green light. We talked for 8 hours. Apparently, the last 4 women they both tried all "became to obsessed with her husband" and SHE ended things and told the women to go away.
She also asked if I could move in with them (yes, she really did do this) and I agreed because I was desperate for a solution. She wanted to make sure he came home at night and she could know what was going on.
Well that lasted about 12 hours.
She then freaked out again, threw me out of the house, and demanded her husband stop seeing me. L said no, after all this time, he was tired of her doing this to him.
This all took place over the span of 8 months.
I know I left a lot of details out, but thats the general story. They both have since sought therapy and she's back to "allowing him" to see me again. But she INSISTS on maintaining constant control over what we do and how often he sees me.
Its been painfully slow. I'm trying to accept that we need to accommodate her needs and he needs to rebuild trust with his wife - but a part of me just doesn't believe that is fair. You can't tell your husband that hey, its ok to go find a woman, and then freak out and veto every time he does.
I have no intentions of ending the relationship with him. He doesn't with me either. We are both at the point where we are like "Well ok, you keep telling us its ok and then changing your mind 10 hours later, thats just not going to fly anymore." On the other hand, he doesn't want to lose her and quite frankly, I have nothing to gain from her leaving him. I don't want a full time monogamous relationship.
I have no desire to seek another partner either. I love him. I do want to see him more often, but she constantly gets in the way. I am also very insecure myself over other issues.
I know in the end all I can do is control myself. Meanwhile, my home situation doesn't help. It breaks my heart that I've basically given up my home and my exhusband is causing all kinds of drama between him and I. We have two kids in the house, trying to adjust to all of this. My son has NOT met L. But since we all live together (As in my husband, his new woman, and I), naturally the kids are exposed to some of this.
Like I said, a HUGE mess.
I've made a lot of progress with a lot of things. I'm so torn and confused though, but I know by choosing to stay in this relationship, I'm asking for a lot of drama and confusion. Please be gentle on me, heh.
I've been lurking here for a month. I've been reading everything. Let me just say, this place has helped me A LOT. I've would've lost my mind a long time ago had it not been for the Master Thread and other people's posts on the forum.
I'm scared to post this, because I know I've done stupid things. I know this isn't the best way to get involved with Poly (and I also realize that some may not consider this poly at all, but cheating..yes, the C word..). But I really just want to to get this off my chest and hear what others have to say, despite the fact that not all of it will be easy to hear...
In the beginning of the year, my hubby and I split up. It was a 10 year marriage that just didn't work. Throughout our relationship, I allowed him to sleep with other women. It wasn't a relationship thing (at least, I didn't think it was), more of a swinging type thing, but I myself didn't have a relationship outside the marriage.
I grew up with parents who ALWAYS fought and who were always jealous. One simply could not fulfill the wishes of the others, so I never understood why they didn't seek fulfillment elsewhere and instead insisted on things that just didn't work. It never bothered me that my husband slept with other women (he had four - not at the same time), it took the pressure off me. I myself had a sexual need that he couldn't fulfill. I have never dated or had relations with anyone else before, so I honestly didn't realize that my own needs weren't being met on a conscious level. It was driving a wedge between my husband and I. He really felt put off that I didn't seem attracted to him. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to him, just the stress of life plus my own sexual desires didn't...match, so yeah..
Anyway, I found out one of the women he slept with he actually did fall in love with. They had been talking to each other and sharing things with each other for over a year. I was so at my wits end with the whole thing, I ended it with him. I was angry over A LOT of things in our relationship, but that was just the straw the broke the camel's back. It wasn't the fact that he loved her. It was the fact he treated me like absolute garbage during this time, blaming me for so many things, yet in the end, he was the one that was being dishonest. I always told him he could tell me if he wanted to keep another relationship in his life if he just told me the truth. Apparently, he couldn't do that because he couldn't accept that he had a "wandering eye."
Realizing after 5 years of this constant marital problems that we simply couldn't reach any kind of a balance, I ended things with him. Unfortunately, we still live together in separate rooms. I allowed his new woman to move in with us. I don't mind it. She and I are actually quite close friends and I have no anger toward her. He lied to her, several times, and its NOT her fault that he's...well a prick for misleading her.
Well at work, I met this guy. We will call him L. L and I hit it off quickly. The sparks were absolutely amazing. He told me right away he was married, and he would not leave his wife. The fetish I had been suppressing for several years was one he was very much into. He told me straight up his wife had rules about relationships, that that was 1. no falling in love, 2. no leaving her 3. no breaking up other relationships (as in I couldn't be married and he date a cheater..etc), and 4. no pregnancies. 11 days after we realized our feelings for each other, he told his wife. She had a stroke about it.
He called me up and ended it. It was..devastating.
We stayed away from each other, but yes, we did stay in contact and we did work with each other. She constantly berated him, made threats to him, just did a lot of things that drove him further away from her. I continued my contact with him and yes, we did start seeing each other again.
Finally, I transferred to a different department. We didn't break contact. Finally, I told L I didn't want to continue with the deception. Just tell her the truth because I was tired of being the third person and I was having a tough time seeing him so depressed. He told me he didn't know what to do, he wanted both of us. I said I was perfectly open to sharing and he said his wife always said she was too until it actually happened, then she would revoke it and this mess would happen again. At one point, he did end the relationship with her, but broke down 2 days later.
I started to believe he was lying to me, until I met her myself.
Things were getting bad. He was ultra depressed and so was I. We would try to end contact and not continue, but always ended up seeing each other again. Finally, his wife called me, saying that her husband was listless and in bad shape, that she needed to meet me and we could all work something out. I agreed.
She then continued to explain to me what she thought had happened. She was afraid that he was going to leave her for me (which he had already done, even if it was for 2 days...), but then told me everything L had told me in the beginning. That she told him he could look for a girlfriend, that he could see one, and that our relationship was technically in the rules, but she was just upset that we had admitted our feelings and saw each other before she gave the green light. We talked for 8 hours. Apparently, the last 4 women they both tried all "became to obsessed with her husband" and SHE ended things and told the women to go away.
She also asked if I could move in with them (yes, she really did do this) and I agreed because I was desperate for a solution. She wanted to make sure he came home at night and she could know what was going on.
Well that lasted about 12 hours.
She then freaked out again, threw me out of the house, and demanded her husband stop seeing me. L said no, after all this time, he was tired of her doing this to him.
This all took place over the span of 8 months.
I know I left a lot of details out, but thats the general story. They both have since sought therapy and she's back to "allowing him" to see me again. But she INSISTS on maintaining constant control over what we do and how often he sees me.
Its been painfully slow. I'm trying to accept that we need to accommodate her needs and he needs to rebuild trust with his wife - but a part of me just doesn't believe that is fair. You can't tell your husband that hey, its ok to go find a woman, and then freak out and veto every time he does.
I have no intentions of ending the relationship with him. He doesn't with me either. We are both at the point where we are like "Well ok, you keep telling us its ok and then changing your mind 10 hours later, thats just not going to fly anymore." On the other hand, he doesn't want to lose her and quite frankly, I have nothing to gain from her leaving him. I don't want a full time monogamous relationship.
I have no desire to seek another partner either. I love him. I do want to see him more often, but she constantly gets in the way. I am also very insecure myself over other issues.
I know in the end all I can do is control myself. Meanwhile, my home situation doesn't help. It breaks my heart that I've basically given up my home and my exhusband is causing all kinds of drama between him and I. We have two kids in the house, trying to adjust to all of this. My son has NOT met L. But since we all live together (As in my husband, his new woman, and I), naturally the kids are exposed to some of this.
Like I said, a HUGE mess.
I've made a lot of progress with a lot of things. I'm so torn and confused though, but I know by choosing to stay in this relationship, I'm asking for a lot of drama and confusion. Please be gentle on me, heh.
