Pimvanloen
New member
First of all: thank you for visiting this thread. It already means a bunch to me.
I want to talk about something that, in this specific context I'm finding myself in (yes, this website), might look a bit controversial: monogamy.
As I've been somewhat educated on polyamory myself and had a brief experience with dating a couple, I visited this thread before and wanted to ask a quite vulnerable question - because so far I really enjoy the general views people that have experiences with polyamory have. However, if this is in any way disrespectful, uncomfortable or inappropriate, please feel free to stop reading, or comment, or anything else.
I want to introduce myself: hi, I'm anxiously attached. I had two very hurtful experiences plus a specific childhood that taught me the deep embedded belief that people who I am close to cannot be trusted (no worries, I am in therapy). One of these experiences happened last year: my partner left me out of the blue and disappeared, and this shocked and hurt my so deep to my core that I had the worst heartbreak in my life. Right now I don't need to talk about this specific situation, as I know that yes, that is a specific person and I shouldn't generalise.
After this experience, I had my first polyamorous experience, which (after reflecting on it for a while) stems at least for some part from a deep rooted fear of commitment and intimacy. I have a weird combination of being overly dependent OR being overly independent, rollercoaster-ing from one to the other (or maybe, they're in some way the same thing). However, when I met someone and fell in love, I deeply sensed that polyamory was just not the thing I was able to do at the time. My rational explanation for it is that polyamory just seemed like (please don't judge me here, I'm only just trying) the easier option for me. Because it scared me less. No, I'm not trying to say that polyamorists don't commit - I know this is a common misconception. But yes, in my "polyamory" I used it as a way to commit less. I wasn't able to have feelings for both people at the same time.
But boy, does love scare me. I thought I had everything figured out (the common mistake), that I had three long-term relationships ("long" at the time I perceived as two years). But now when I think about it, I realised I sabotaged every of my relationship. I want the chase, I want the hurt.
Could you say that I know what love is? Absolutely not. Do I love my partner? It feels like. Counterintuitive, yes?
However, my partner has a specific history. He's growing out of his own toxic ideas (which were; trying to find the "right person", projecting a lot on his partner, etc). Right now he said: I know there's not a right person, but I understand now that love is a choice and that I want to "act" as if you are the right person (makes sense?).
But in his previous relationship, he couldn't even be monogamous for a month. He wasn't ready to stop having new experiences, and his mind set was very different (more ego-driven, more wanting to fuck around). However, in this relationship he was also actually quite unhappy and dissatisfied, and was looking for a warmer connection since he was lacking it. He found me. He wanted to be monogamous. And me too.
Maybe it's just that our relationship is healthy, and healthy relationships scare me to death - maybe I'm trying to find reasons in my head for why it's dangerous. But I'm jealous. I'm really scared. That I wouldn't be enough, interesting enough, that what happened to his previous partner would happen to me: that he would be bored, want to open the relationship, run behind his horniness, but just fall in love with someone else. So, very recently, we developed some fantasies that both turn me on and hurt me at the same time (?!). We talk about secret situations in which we're having a threesome, and even more recently we talked about him making love with someone else, and I helped this fantasy (meaning, I talked about it with him, turning him on).
The healthy part of my brain (I guess it's maybe somewhere, though very hard to feel) says that fantasies are harmless. And that my fantasies are me trying to sabotage the relationship again, which in turn, turns me on. I know that it's completely normal to have fantasies that don't involve your partner. But why, why does it feel so dangerous? Dangerous that he has them? Because it feels like he is just really a monogamist, and that at some point, he would fall out of love with me, and not want me anymore. And that this is the beginning. First he wanted me, only me, and now he's getting bored. Finding a new focus. Because I know he doesn't like casual sex at all. He doesn't even understand it. So where do these fantasies come from?
Or, that's my fear.
So, I would say that I don't know what I need right now. I feel that I want to build a safe, working relationship but I have a deep conviction that long term relationships just simply, do not work. That love doesn't really exist. And I want to run. So, I'm very interested about your ideas about love, attachment, non-attachment, etc. I hope this isn't too vague of a question, and I really hope I didn't offend anyone with my very un-polyamorous anxieties. I think I just really need some help.
(Yes, I will be going to therapy soon but I cannot afford more sessions at the moment yadi yadi yada. Also I think that listening to more perspectives than just the one from my therapist, would be helpful).
I want to talk about something that, in this specific context I'm finding myself in (yes, this website), might look a bit controversial: monogamy.
As I've been somewhat educated on polyamory myself and had a brief experience with dating a couple, I visited this thread before and wanted to ask a quite vulnerable question - because so far I really enjoy the general views people that have experiences with polyamory have. However, if this is in any way disrespectful, uncomfortable or inappropriate, please feel free to stop reading, or comment, or anything else.
I want to introduce myself: hi, I'm anxiously attached. I had two very hurtful experiences plus a specific childhood that taught me the deep embedded belief that people who I am close to cannot be trusted (no worries, I am in therapy). One of these experiences happened last year: my partner left me out of the blue and disappeared, and this shocked and hurt my so deep to my core that I had the worst heartbreak in my life. Right now I don't need to talk about this specific situation, as I know that yes, that is a specific person and I shouldn't generalise.
After this experience, I had my first polyamorous experience, which (after reflecting on it for a while) stems at least for some part from a deep rooted fear of commitment and intimacy. I have a weird combination of being overly dependent OR being overly independent, rollercoaster-ing from one to the other (or maybe, they're in some way the same thing). However, when I met someone and fell in love, I deeply sensed that polyamory was just not the thing I was able to do at the time. My rational explanation for it is that polyamory just seemed like (please don't judge me here, I'm only just trying) the easier option for me. Because it scared me less. No, I'm not trying to say that polyamorists don't commit - I know this is a common misconception. But yes, in my "polyamory" I used it as a way to commit less. I wasn't able to have feelings for both people at the same time.
But boy, does love scare me. I thought I had everything figured out (the common mistake), that I had three long-term relationships ("long" at the time I perceived as two years). But now when I think about it, I realised I sabotaged every of my relationship. I want the chase, I want the hurt.
Could you say that I know what love is? Absolutely not. Do I love my partner? It feels like. Counterintuitive, yes?
However, my partner has a specific history. He's growing out of his own toxic ideas (which were; trying to find the "right person", projecting a lot on his partner, etc). Right now he said: I know there's not a right person, but I understand now that love is a choice and that I want to "act" as if you are the right person (makes sense?).
But in his previous relationship, he couldn't even be monogamous for a month. He wasn't ready to stop having new experiences, and his mind set was very different (more ego-driven, more wanting to fuck around). However, in this relationship he was also actually quite unhappy and dissatisfied, and was looking for a warmer connection since he was lacking it. He found me. He wanted to be monogamous. And me too.
Maybe it's just that our relationship is healthy, and healthy relationships scare me to death - maybe I'm trying to find reasons in my head for why it's dangerous. But I'm jealous. I'm really scared. That I wouldn't be enough, interesting enough, that what happened to his previous partner would happen to me: that he would be bored, want to open the relationship, run behind his horniness, but just fall in love with someone else. So, very recently, we developed some fantasies that both turn me on and hurt me at the same time (?!). We talk about secret situations in which we're having a threesome, and even more recently we talked about him making love with someone else, and I helped this fantasy (meaning, I talked about it with him, turning him on).
The healthy part of my brain (I guess it's maybe somewhere, though very hard to feel) says that fantasies are harmless. And that my fantasies are me trying to sabotage the relationship again, which in turn, turns me on. I know that it's completely normal to have fantasies that don't involve your partner. But why, why does it feel so dangerous? Dangerous that he has them? Because it feels like he is just really a monogamist, and that at some point, he would fall out of love with me, and not want me anymore. And that this is the beginning. First he wanted me, only me, and now he's getting bored. Finding a new focus. Because I know he doesn't like casual sex at all. He doesn't even understand it. So where do these fantasies come from?
Or, that's my fear.
So, I would say that I don't know what I need right now. I feel that I want to build a safe, working relationship but I have a deep conviction that long term relationships just simply, do not work. That love doesn't really exist. And I want to run. So, I'm very interested about your ideas about love, attachment, non-attachment, etc. I hope this isn't too vague of a question, and I really hope I didn't offend anyone with my very un-polyamorous anxieties. I think I just really need some help.
(Yes, I will be going to therapy soon but I cannot afford more sessions at the moment yadi yadi yada. Also I think that listening to more perspectives than just the one from my therapist, would be helpful).
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