In desperate need of metamour advice

Pimvanloen

New member
Hi! I'm very happy to stumble across this forum as I'm currently in a situation which eats me alive.

I'll try to shortly explain. Some months ago, I met a couple and started dating with both of them. However, after some time, I didn't develop feelings for one of them and therefore I explained to her that I'm willing to continue as friends, but as I didn't develop feelings for her, that I wasn't open to do more than that. She was obviously hurt, as was her right to feel.

Since then, I continued to develop my relationship with the other person, and we've grown quite close and spend a lot of time together. Meanwhile, I've been trying to keep friendly to this other person, but it turns out that her expectations were just completely different from mine (in what a friendship/friendly contact between us requires). I've congratulated her on her birthday, but it wasn't enough for her (to build trust). Etc. Other than that, I never said anything bad to her or wasn't ever outwardly mean. I asked (asked, not forced, both yes and no would be fine for me) my partner if he could go to a flat viewing for me (since I don't live there), on her birthday, and he agreed to it because she was busy during this time with another appointment. But now she is blaming me for it. She also compares me to her other partner and that this partner DOES respect her partner, and that I'm so bad for not doing it. I need your honest opinion: was it wrong of me? Furthermore, she blames me for a lot of things that I didn't do or wasn't my idea (but our partner's), but I cannot convince her of this. Such as ordering a package on their house, she feels it's completely disrespectful as she lives there too. Or flirting with her partner in front of her when I first met them (I had no idea about their rules or anything at this time; was it my responsibility or hers? I didn't even know she was interested in me at the time)

She calls the relationship with my partner unhealthy because we are in so much contact with each other. She feels that I'm stealing her time with her partner. However, I never expressed to my partner that he cannot spend time with her. Yes, as it was my first experience with polyamory, and sometimes I felt insecure or jealous (because I have some traumatic relationship history, (haven't we all?)) I needed some reassurance from my partner. But it was never my rule that he cannot spend time with her. But her idea of ethical-nonmonogamy is that I should check in with her if she's okay with everything about the time I'm spending with my partner (she feels that I'm stealing all of the time from her and her partner, that I'm not respectful of her, for example by paying him for his train tickets to visit me (we are on long distance). She calls my relationship unconsentual, that I'm not empathetic in how much space I'm taking in. I'm new to polyamory (this is my first experience) and I desperately need some advice about how it should or shouldn't work. She says that this is not how their relationship works, that it's not anarchist, and that I should've respected her more.

I don't know what to do. I feel extremely bad, guilty and lost. I feel like I cannot do anything right.

In her opinion he abused her and by (me) having a relationship with him, she feels that I'm allowing/supporting this behavior and that it's completely unethical. However, he never showed abusive behavior to me and if he does, I would bring it up with him. So am I wrong?

Sorry if this story isn't very well written, I'm just completely, completely confused.
 
Last edited:

SlowPoly

Member
Where are you hearing so much about what metamour thinks about you?

If it’s from metamour directly, you might consider communicating less with metamour. It doesn’t sound like friendship is happening between you, and that’s okay!

If it’s from your mutual partner (called the “hinge” of the V formed by you, mutual partner, and metamour), could ask partner to not share what’s happening on that side. If partner decides to spend less time with you, or cancel a date, or renegotiate an agreement, it doesn’t matter if the request came from metamour or not. Partner can own his choices and offer what he has available without blaming anyone else.

Let partner own the negotiations around his other relationship, and you focus on what’s between you and partner. That’s where you have first hand information, and the ability to act. The other stuff is hearsay and blame and people trying to get you to do their work for them. Psssh.
 

Pimvanloen

New member
Where are you hearing so much about what metamour thinks about you?

If it’s from metamour directly, you might consider communicating less with metamour. It doesn’t sound like friendship is happening between you, and that’s okay!

If it’s from your mutual partner (called the “hinge” of the V formed by you, mutual partner, and metamour), could ask partner to not share what’s happening on that side. If partner decides to spend less time with you, or cancel a date, or renegotiate an agreement, it doesn’t matter if the request came from metamour or not. Partner can own his choices and offer what he has available without blaming anyone else.

Let partner own the negotiations around his other relationship, and you focus on what’s between you and partner. That’s where you have first hand information, and the ability to act. The other stuff is hearsay and blame and people trying to get you to do their work for them. Psssh.
Thank you for your reply! I really value it.
To answer your question: I do hear from my partner what shitty things she says about me, but all the information in this post is what she texted personally to me. So both, kind of.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I'm new to polyamory (this is my first experience) and I desperately need some advice about how it should or shouldn't work.

A controlling metamour is quite a thing to live through, so I'm sorry you get to have that experience your first go at polyamory.

It sounds like they have a pretty traditional hierarchy set up in their association, with the two of them at the top, and everyone else is below them and follows orders. This is common, and a lot of people insist on setting up this kind of scenario.

I personally find it unacceptably toxic, and I won't have any part in it. For you though, that's something you'll need to wrap your head around and then decide how you want to handle it.

If it is helpful, I'll give you a brief breakdown of my stance:

I have relationships with individuals, not couples or groups. I can have *dynamic* with a group or couple, but my actual association with each person is independent of all others. I don't trust or love a gorup, but trust or love individuals in that group. My not having a good relationship with someone in the group may impact how I affiliate with the group, but it in no way dictates how I interact with the individuals in it.

So for me, Wife having a problem with how I interact with Hubby doesn't mean anything to me. I, of course, want to take a look at my actions and make sure I am not being inadvertently clumsy with how I am treating Wife, but her getting her panties in a twist doesn't have anyting to do with me. I don't have a significant relationship with Wife so her feelings and preferences are not my primary concern. If she has an issue with how is Hubby is behaving... I guess she should be an adult and talk to him about that?

I decide how I am treated, and who I allow in my orbit. It is always tricky when I have an association with someone who brings along some poison pill with them. However, that poison pill is *their* problem, not *my* problem. If their baggage can't seem to treat me well, then I dictate the level of their involvement in my life. If Wife can't be nice, then Wife gets blocked on my phone and doesn't come over to my home. If Wife decides she can get herself in order, we can talk about opening up her access to me, but not a moment before.

If Wife has a problem with the fact that I won't follow her rules or let her smack me around... tough shit. There are many people blocked on my phone and who are not allowed in my home. People are crazy, and they aren't allowed to be around me until they can demonstrate that they can control themselves.

If Hubby insists on regaling me with what horrid thing Wife is saying about me, I set a hard boundary "you've got issues with Wife, I get that and I don't want to get in the way of that, however you stress me out when you bring this stuff to me, so stop bringing it to me. It isn't my cross to bare, and it's really distracting from my ability to enjoy my time with you".

Don't get sucked into the need to be involved in that drama. Splash some cold water on your face and recognize the reality that if you allow a poison pill in your life, all you're going to get is a tummy ache.

My identity is not linked to other people; I am a fully functional adult. Setting boundaries means that we are willing to do the hard work of adjusting associations that refuse to (or cannot) respect them. If I set a boundary for Hubby that I don't want to hear about his spousal drama but he keeps bringing it to me anyway, I'm going to have to make the adjustment for him. Boundaries can end relationships, which is why I strongly encourage you to introspect on what you want out of your life, and what you won't allow in it.

Relationships need to get adjusted, and sometimes they need to be dissolved. It is an unfortunate reality that comes with some hurt feelings and requirement to grow through change. However, if we accept what we get because we aren't willing to set and enforce healthy boundaries... then get what we get and don't have the right to complain about it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel a bit better for airing out. I'm sorry you are struggling.

FWIW?

You cannot "steal" the time HE gives you. He manages his time. Not her.

If she wants some kind of "Queen Bee" thing, and that's not your kink? Don't do it.

Thank you for your reply! I really value it.
To answer your question: I do hear from my partner what shitty things she says about me, but all the information in this post is what she texted personally to me. So both, kind of.
Sounds straight forward enough to solve on your end.

Disconnect all her stuff from your phone, email, social media etc . Then she cannot contact you anymore to tell you her problems. You no longer pick her out to date. You no longer pick her out to be your friend. You just stop all contact. You don't have to be listening to her weird if she cannot even text you.

Then you tell the hinge boyfriend to stop bringing things from that side of the V over on to you on this side. He's the one picking her out to date. Not you. He can either keep on dating her and deal with her on that side of the V. Or he can stop picking her out and not deal with her any more.

If he keeps bringing you drama? After you set your limit? The problem is not his other girlfriend. The problem is that HE brings you drama over here even when you asked him to stop.

At that point? You can stop picking him out to date if you don't want to put up with that.

Keep things simpler on you.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Pimvanloen,

It sounds like the other partner (the one you're just friends with) was more hurt than she let on when you discontinued the romantic part with her ... so much so that now she is looking for things to blame you for, sort of like you hurt her and now she is going to hurt you.

I do not feel that you are at fault here.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I concur with the others. Being poly does not mean dating couples. Being poly does not require you to be friends with the metamour, or even ever talk to them or see them at all. It sounds like this couple has issues and discomforts around being poly themselves. It's not your role to "help" them learn how to do poly better. And you can see you've tried to "help" and it's just thrown back in your face.

It's nice if one can be friends with a meta, if everyone wants kitchen table poly, but this couple does not seem ready for that.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: Bun

Bun

New member
Hi there,
I totally understand your frustration about this situation.
I think your partner does not handle this whole situation well. I think it should be HIS responsibility to manage and discuss things at home, not yours.
I would also go with the others' advice to ask your partner to stop bringing the drama into your relationship.
I would sit down with your meta and discuss the situation clearly with her (if possible). THEN I would ask her to stop this, if she has issues with your shared partner, she should discuss with him, and keep her drama for him.
I also feel that they have issues with the poly relationship, and / or issues with each other. She probably feels that she looses something against you and her place is not safe and stable anymore in the relationship.
I also think based on what you have said that she wants control over everything. This is why she was ok to have both of them, but not only one of them (because now she is unable to control what happens). In my experience this happens when someone has low self-esteem or self-confidence or when the relationship is not stable, e.g. there are communication issues, trust issues etc.
However it is, this is not your problem.
Being polyamore does not mean that you should be friends with her, if that does not work.

I think I am very lucky, because for us the chemistry works and we are becoming good friends with my meta. We also do not have romantic relationship. Our relationship works well with our shared partner for me for almost 3 years and now I with them for 2 months now. I think key elements were clear communication with both of us, good timing of when and how we meet with her (also paying attention that both of us were in a stable and happy mood in general when it happened - e.g. not happened until I closed down everything with my divorce and stuff especially in myself psychologically), trust between them - very important, respect for both of us, and also that he was paying attention that none of us feel that our place is not secure anymore due to the other person. There is no jealousy because we both feel that our place is secure, no need to be afraid of what he is doing with one or the other. Also it was important that he has set very clear rules. I think it does not matter what the rule is (I mean it can be either or other for certain things as appropriate for everyone considering everyone's feelings and dignity). What matters is there are a set of rules clearly communicated.

Sorry, maybe I was repeating others, but your issue so much touched my heart I had to write it out.
 

Pimvanloen

New member
Dear everyone, I'm very sorry for replying so late - this was (and is) taking a lot of power away from my mental health. Anyhow; I appreciated your responses so much, and it helped me a lot to keep a clear head. I communicated to my metamour that I think it's best if we are not in contact, and slowly negotiating the no-contact at the moment.
x
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Dear everyone, I'm very sorry for replying so late - this was (and is) taking a lot of power away from my mental health. Anyhow; I appreciated your responses so much, and it helped me a lot to keep a clear head. I communicated to my metamour that I think it's best if we are not in contact, and slowly negotiating the no-contact at the moment.
x
I'm glad you're going no contact. I am not sure what needs to be "negotiated slowly" about it. You just stop talking to her, block or delete her on social media and your phone. It's your choice. You don't need her permission or consent. If she doesn't like it, that's her problem.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Dear everyone, I'm very sorry for replying so late - this was (and is) taking a lot of power away from my mental health.
I'm sorry it's been taxing. I am glad you took a break.

You know it is ok to just plain stop with your meta, right?

Anyhow; I appreciated your responses so much, and it helped me a lot to keep a clear head. I communicated to my metamour that I think it's best if we are not in contact, and slowly negotiating the no-contact at the moment.

When you set a personal boundary for yourself like

"I don't talk to or hang out with people who take a toll on my mental health."

you are setting that personal boundary for YOU to obey to help keep YOU safe. Once you set it? Then you just do it.

If you feel like it you could send one last message. "This is taking a toll on my mental health. I need to go no contact. Pease respect my limit." And then you turn all the things off and disconnect the things. They actually don't have to respect your limit. You have gone ahead and made yourself "undingable" by disconnecting.

But you don't have to say anything to them at all. You could simply decide you are done, say nothing, and then just disconnect all the things. You simply stop engaging with them and go rest. So your mental health can catch a break and heal. It's ok to just be DONE with something.

No need to JADE -- justify, argue, defend, or explain -- to the other person.

You setting personal boundaries does not require ANY negotiation with the other party. They don't have to agree. They don't have to like it.

If YOU decide to set stronger personal boundaries with someone who bothers you?

The only one who has to like/obey/enforce that personal boundary is YOU.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Top