Pimvanloen
New member
Hi! I'm very happy to stumble across this forum as I'm currently in a situation which eats me alive.
I'll try to shortly explain. Some months ago, I met a couple and started dating with both of them. However, after some time, I didn't develop feelings for one of them and therefore I explained to her that I'm willing to continue as friends, but as I didn't develop feelings for her, that I wasn't open to do more than that. She was obviously hurt, as was her right to feel.
Since then, I continued to develop my relationship with the other person, and we've grown quite close and spend a lot of time together. Meanwhile, I've been trying to keep friendly to this other person, but it turns out that her expectations were just completely different from mine (in what a friendship/friendly contact between us requires). I've congratulated her on her birthday, but it wasn't enough for her (to build trust). Etc. Other than that, I never said anything bad to her or wasn't ever outwardly mean. I asked (asked, not forced, both yes and no would be fine for me) my partner if he could go to a flat viewing for me (since I don't live there), on her birthday, and he agreed to it because she was busy during this time with another appointment. But now she is blaming me for it. She also compares me to her other partner and that this partner DOES respect her partner, and that I'm so bad for not doing it. I need your honest opinion: was it wrong of me? Furthermore, she blames me for a lot of things that I didn't do or wasn't my idea (but our partner's), but I cannot convince her of this. Such as ordering a package on their house, she feels it's completely disrespectful as she lives there too. Or flirting with her partner in front of her when I first met them (I had no idea about their rules or anything at this time; was it my responsibility or hers? I didn't even know she was interested in me at the time)
She calls the relationship with my partner unhealthy because we are in so much contact with each other. She feels that I'm stealing her time with her partner. However, I never expressed to my partner that he cannot spend time with her. Yes, as it was my first experience with polyamory, and sometimes I felt insecure or jealous (because I have some traumatic relationship history, (haven't we all?)) I needed some reassurance from my partner. But it was never my rule that he cannot spend time with her. But her idea of ethical-nonmonogamy is that I should check in with her if she's okay with everything about the time I'm spending with my partner (she feels that I'm stealing all of the time from her and her partner, that I'm not respectful of her, for example by paying him for his train tickets to visit me (we are on long distance). She calls my relationship unconsentual, that I'm not empathetic in how much space I'm taking in. I'm new to polyamory (this is my first experience) and I desperately need some advice about how it should or shouldn't work. She says that this is not how their relationship works, that it's not anarchist, and that I should've respected her more.
I don't know what to do. I feel extremely bad, guilty and lost. I feel like I cannot do anything right.
In her opinion he abused her and by (me) having a relationship with him, she feels that I'm allowing/supporting this behavior and that it's completely unethical. However, he never showed abusive behavior to me and if he does, I would bring it up with him. So am I wrong?
Sorry if this story isn't very well written, I'm just completely, completely confused.
I'll try to shortly explain. Some months ago, I met a couple and started dating with both of them. However, after some time, I didn't develop feelings for one of them and therefore I explained to her that I'm willing to continue as friends, but as I didn't develop feelings for her, that I wasn't open to do more than that. She was obviously hurt, as was her right to feel.
Since then, I continued to develop my relationship with the other person, and we've grown quite close and spend a lot of time together. Meanwhile, I've been trying to keep friendly to this other person, but it turns out that her expectations were just completely different from mine (in what a friendship/friendly contact between us requires). I've congratulated her on her birthday, but it wasn't enough for her (to build trust). Etc. Other than that, I never said anything bad to her or wasn't ever outwardly mean. I asked (asked, not forced, both yes and no would be fine for me) my partner if he could go to a flat viewing for me (since I don't live there), on her birthday, and he agreed to it because she was busy during this time with another appointment. But now she is blaming me for it. She also compares me to her other partner and that this partner DOES respect her partner, and that I'm so bad for not doing it. I need your honest opinion: was it wrong of me? Furthermore, she blames me for a lot of things that I didn't do or wasn't my idea (but our partner's), but I cannot convince her of this. Such as ordering a package on their house, she feels it's completely disrespectful as she lives there too. Or flirting with her partner in front of her when I first met them (I had no idea about their rules or anything at this time; was it my responsibility or hers? I didn't even know she was interested in me at the time)
She calls the relationship with my partner unhealthy because we are in so much contact with each other. She feels that I'm stealing her time with her partner. However, I never expressed to my partner that he cannot spend time with her. Yes, as it was my first experience with polyamory, and sometimes I felt insecure or jealous (because I have some traumatic relationship history, (haven't we all?)) I needed some reassurance from my partner. But it was never my rule that he cannot spend time with her. But her idea of ethical-nonmonogamy is that I should check in with her if she's okay with everything about the time I'm spending with my partner (she feels that I'm stealing all of the time from her and her partner, that I'm not respectful of her, for example by paying him for his train tickets to visit me (we are on long distance). She calls my relationship unconsentual, that I'm not empathetic in how much space I'm taking in. I'm new to polyamory (this is my first experience) and I desperately need some advice about how it should or shouldn't work. She says that this is not how their relationship works, that it's not anarchist, and that I should've respected her more.
I don't know what to do. I feel extremely bad, guilty and lost. I feel like I cannot do anything right.
In her opinion he abused her and by (me) having a relationship with him, she feels that I'm allowing/supporting this behavior and that it's completely unethical. However, he never showed abusive behavior to me and if he does, I would bring it up with him. So am I wrong?
Sorry if this story isn't very well written, I'm just completely, completely confused.
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