A couple of questions

[jantjen91]

I have some general questions related to an earlier post of mine.

Why is it so important to pursue polyamory? I understand there are people that can have multiple healthy relationships, but does a person have the right to pursue another relationship because their libidos are higher than their partner's? Or do people just use that as an excuse to sleep around? Does the primary relationship have ANY say in the other partner's behavior? And if a person truly values their marriage/relationship, will they sacrifice it to become poly, or do they respect their partner's feelings, or try to compromise?

 

[LaminarFlow]

Why is it so important to pursue polyamory?

People practise polyamory for different reasons, but mostly because it's their identity and they have a lot of love to give, and want to be loyal and committed to more than one person. It's up to the people in the structure what the commitment will look like.

I understand there are people that can have multiple healthy relationships, but does a person have the right to pursue another relationship because their libidos are higher than their partner's?

If agreements are not suitable for said wants and needs not being met, a person is free to find it elsewhere with a happy consent. People can bow out of any structure if certain things don't align.

Or do people just use that as an excuse to sleep around?

Polyamory is about love, loyalty and commitment. But there are people out there misidentifying themselves and probably looking more in the line of ENM.

Does the primary relationship partner have ANY say in the other partner's behavior?

Yes. Communication is key. All people in the dynamic need to be comfortable and joyfully consenting.

And if a person truly values their marriage/relationship, will they sacrifice it to become poly, or do they respect their partner's feelings, or try to compromise?

Sacrifice is different for everyone.

Personally, I would not sacrifice my whole and true being for someone else. That's unhealthy. I'll try to compromise on things where I can, but if someone has different values, goals, wants and needs than me, it will be hard, and I'm not compatible with them.

 

[Inaniel]

Why is it so important to pursue polyamory?

This is subjective. It comes down to an individual’s perception of importance and sacrifice.

I understand there are people that can have multiple healthy relationships, but does a person have the right to pursue another relationship because their libidos are higher than their partner's?

Assuming a monogamous arrangement. No.
Assuming a polyamorous relationship. Yes.

Or do people just use that as an excuse to sleep around?

There are a million reasons “people” justify behavior.

Does the primary relationship partner have ANY say in the other partner's behavior?

It depends on the relationship.

And if a person truly values their marriage/relationship, will they sacrifice it to become poly, or do they respect their partner's feelings, or try to compromise?

It depends on the person and the relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi jantjen91,

I think it's important to keep in mind that poly is not for everyone. Poly is not even healthy for everyone, as time, energy, and resources are limited, many people find that they can't do multiple relationships justice, and many people are not able to be fair and responsible about how they distribute their limited means. Sure poly has some benefits for those it is right for, but the benefits don't always outweigh the costs. In your situation I question whether your husband is mature enough to handle polyamory in an appropriate manner. He is willing to fudge the fundamental matter of querying about consent. What other fundamental matters is he willing to fudge on? Polyamory demands a high level of smarts, especially emotional intelligence, and he seems a little clueless in that regard.

Polyamory can be one theoretical way of addressing a mismatched libidos situation, however the presence of mismatched libidos does not always make poly a good idea. Each individual couple really has to discuss the poly idea in depth, to see if it is really right for them. In your case you are going to talk to a relationship therapist, and that's what you should do. The poly question is extremely problematic for you, and you need an outside party to help you discuss it in a fair and responsible manner.

I will add that poly is extra harmful if one loves one's new partner more than one's spouse. This can happen with NRE, and is one of the particular dangers that polyamory poses. Again if one can be responsible, and love one's spouse as much as ever and demonstrate that love in a palpable way, then (and only then) poly can be a good thing. So again I ask, does your husband love his proposed new partner more than he loves you? If he does, then he is not a good candidate for polyamory. It's also not hard to see that poly would be a bad thing for you.

In healthy poly, one's primary partner definitely gets a say in one's behavior. Poly should not be carte blanche to just do whatever one wants. One has an original partner to answer to, and if NRE blurs that fact, then one is a poor candidate for poly. Some people definitely use polyamory as an excuse to sleep around.

The question for the struggling mono spouse/partner is, whether they can stand to have their spouse/partner be poly, and more than that, can they actually be happy when their spouse/partner is poly. Sacrifice is all well and good in a marriage, but it goes two ways. The would-be poly spouse should be willing to sacrifice their polyness if necessary to salvage the struggling mono spouse's happiness and peace of mind. A compromise is all well and good, but only if it facilitates the happiness of both spouses.

Sorry, I don't mean to cast poly in such a negative light, but I have real issues with the notion that it's important for everyone to pursue poly, and I guess it's that notion that I am reading into this, and that I am trying to address. Maybe you and your husband can both be happy in poly (or mono/poly), but that is something that only you can decide.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[jantjen91]

Hi jantjen91,

I think it's important to keep in mind that poly is not for everyone. Poly is not even healthy for everyone, as time, energy, and resources are limited, many people find that they can't do multiple relationships justice, and many people are not able to be fair and responsible about how they distribute their limited means. Sure poly has some benefits for those it is right for, but the benefits don't always outweigh the costs. In your situation I question whether your husband is mature enough to handle polyamory in an appropriate manner. He is willing to fudge the fundamental matter of querying about consent. What other fundamental matters is he willing to fudge on? Polyamory demands a high level of smarts, especially emotional intelligence, and he seems a little clueless in that regard.

Polyamory can be one theoretical way of addressing a mismatched libidos situation, however the presence of mismatched libidos does not always make poly a good idea. Each individual couple really has to discuss the poly idea in depth, to see if it is really right for them. In your case you are going to talk to a relationship therapist, and that's what you should do. The poly question is extremely problematic for you, and you need an outside party to help you discuss it in a fair and responsible manner.

I will add that poly is extra harmful if one loves one's new partner more than one's spouse. This can happen with NRE, and is one of the particular dangers that polyamory poses. Again if one can be responsible, and love one's spouse as much as ever and demonstrate that love in a palpable way, then (and only then) poly can be a good thing. So again I ask, does your husband love his proposed new partner more than he loves you? If he does, then he is not a good candidate for polyamory. It's also not hard to see that poly would be a bad thing for you.

In healthy poly, one's primary partner definitely gets a say in one's behavior. Poly should not be carte blanche to just do whatever one wants. One has an original partner to answer to, and if NRE blurs that fact, then one is a poor candidate for poly. Some people definitely use polyamory as an excuse to sleep around.

The question for the struggling mono spouse/partner is, whether they can stand to have their spouse/partner be poly, and more than that, can they actually be happy when their spouse/partner is poly. Sacrifice is all well and good in a marriage, but it goes two ways. The would-be poly spouse should be willing to sacrifice their polyness if necessary to salvage the struggling mono spouse's happiness and peace of mind. A compromise is all well and good, but only if it facilitates the happiness of both spouses.

Sorry, I don't mean to cast poly in such a negative light, but I have real issues with the notion that it's important for everyone to pursue poly, and I guess it's that notion that I am reading into this, and that I am trying to address. Maybe you and your husband can both be happy in poly (or mono/poly), but that is something that only you can decide.

Regards,
Kevin T.

I guess as a monogamous person, and I think I'm also demisexual, it is very difficult to understand how a person can have primary romantic relationship and a second relationship and be able to compartmentalize the two and still have the same love for the first person while in a relationship with a second. I would think that the level of commitment, love, desire for the first would be diminished.

 

[Magdlyn]

I guess as a monogamous person, and I think I'm also demisexual, it is very difficult to understand how a person can have primary romantic relationship and a second relationship and be able to compartmentalize the two and still have the same love for the first person while in a relationship with a second. I would think that the level of commitment, love, desire for the first would be diminished.

I can of course see how this is hard to imagine, given your circumstances. As a polyamorous person, having been in a poly relationship for 15 years with my female partner, Pixi, I have had many other lovers come and go. Not one of them did I love or desire more than her, and I have remained highly committed to her. She is unique. She brings unique things into my life. Her looks, her personality, her support, her intellectual abilities, her spirituality, hobbies, loyalty, nurturing, life skills, even her (tiny) faults... no one is just like her, and I appreciate her for who she is.

Now I have finally found another long-term partner (going on three years together). Aries can not replace Pixi in my heart. He is also unique and I value him for who he is. Since I am bi/pansexual, he has other physical attributes that I desire, that balance my love life.

Sometimes poly people compare it to having more than one child. You don't stop loving your firstborn when the next one comes along. I have three children, so I have experience in this. When my second was born, I started to appreciate my older girl in a whole new way. My capacity for love grew as they did.

But you can also compare it to having multiple friends. What are lovers, after all, but friends, with the added spice of sex and romance? You don't necessarily stop loving Friend 1 when a new friend comes into your life.

Now, mono people are different. My ex-husband and I opened our relationship in 1999 and when he fell for a new woman, he did fall out of love with me. I wouldn't say he stopped loving me... But he began to prefer her. This could have happened anyway. We'd been together since our very early 20s, and had spent 20 years growing up together. We actually ended up diverging in many of our tastes and preferences. I admit I was ready to move on to new people who appreciated who I'd become as a middle-aged person. My ex was always trying to keep me in some sort of box.

However, my middle-aged self fell for Pixi and we are not growing apart. We've just grown closer over the years.

I hope that helps.

 

[Bobbi]

I guess as a monogamous person, and I think I'm also demisexual, it is very difficult to understand how a person can have primary romantic relationship and a second relationship and be able to compartmentalize the two and still have the same love for the first person while in a relationship with a second. I would think that the level of commitment, love, desire for the first would be diminished.

That's what we are told, and the programming is strong there. I knew in my mind that people could love more than one, but there was still this spot in my mind that couldn't give up the programming... until I experienced actually having a close romantic relationship with another and actually experienced there being ZERO negative effect on my feelings for my primary partner. In fact, the support I got from my primary partner about seeing and having sex with another made me love him more. (In my poly beginnings) without his love and support I could have never experienced the joy of another person. Each partner gives me something the others can't, even if it's just personality. My partners feel joy knowing that I'm happy.

 

[Kynde]

I guess as a monogamous person, and I think I'm also demisexual, it is very difficult to understand how a person can have primary romantic relationship and a second relationship and be able to compartmentalize the two and still have the same love for the first person while in a relationship with a second. I would think that the level of commitment, love, desire for the first would be diminished.

I am also demisexual. For me it's about emotional connection. The sex is an extension of the emotional connection.
I specifically seek different experiences and people. I think it adds richness to my life.
I am currently in a family (you can see my sig) where I am emotionally bonded and love a husband and wife. My love for them is equally deep, but Sir is also my sexual partner. Meow is not. Meow is my best girlfriend and sister. She helps me to understand Sir since she's been with him longer. We all provide something we need to the others.

 

[Kynde]

. Each partner gives me something the others can't, even if it's just personality. My partners feel joy knowing that I'm happy.

Exactly

 

[MoPoly]

Why is it so important to pursue polyamory?

It not necessarily important. If you are monogamous it is definitely not important to pursue polyamory. If you are polyamorous then it may well be important. Only you decide if it is important to you or not.

I understand there are people that can have multiple healthy relationships,

Yes there are

but does a person have the right to pursue another relationship because their libidos are higher than their partner's?

It depends. If they have vowed to be monogamous they don’t have a ‘right’. They can ask to be released from their vow, or leave, or not - and their partner can choose to release them or not, or leave or not. If they are in a polyamorous relationship and have mutually agreed to be sexually open then they do have the ‘right’ but I would call it ‘consent’ not a ‘right’!

If someone is telling you this they are gaslighting you!

Or do people just use that as an excuse to sleep around?

Some people might use that as an excuse to cheat / sleep around.

Does the primary relationship have ANY say in the other partner's behavior?

Of course. All partners can say, negotiate and agree on how they wish to be treated in the relationship, what their boundaries, needs and desires are. If this can’t be agreed on the relationship usually ends or becomes toxic. If the behaviour of one makes the other desperately unhappy, and they won’t respect the framework they agreed, then it’s usually time to go.

And if a person truly values their marriage/relationship, will they sacrifice it to become poly, or do they respect their partner's feelings, or try to compromise?

It depends.

They might - in being open to read, inform themselves, explore - find a new way of loving their partner. This usually takes at least a year or two of couples exploring and discussing their relationship BEFORE opening it up.

Also they might not. They might decide that monogamy is not for them and the sacrifice will make them miserable and unhappy for years to come. To sacrifice your happiness on the altar of someone else’s desires? Not healthy!

 

[MoPoly]

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