A Couple Questions for Fetlife Users

phoenix

New member
This is not strictly a poly inquiry, but Fetlife has been mentioned a few times on this site and I hope some people familiar with the site can help me.

Since you cannot browse Fetlife without joining, I decided to join using minimal information so I could just explore. I added a photo (in retrospect, not sure if I should have at this point) to show some limited participation. I chose what I thought was a cool photo of me, very tame compared to many on the site. I was contacted by a younger man who saw the photo and sent me a full nude of himself with his semi-erect cock in his hand! 😳 He wanted to please a cougar/daddy. So, welcome to Fetlife! Perhaps the profile pic I chose suggested more dominance than I thought (I suppose that’s what I’m putting out there holding a feathered crop and wearing a Venetian mask, although this is only one aspect of myself). I realized I had completely missed the privacy options page and readjusted my settings. I added exploring and just curious to my bio. Kevin will be happy to know I told the inquiring man that I wasn’t looking for any contact at this time, just exploring & missed setting my privacy page.The man was very apologetic.

So, this falling-into-the-deep-end experience has led me back here to ask for a bit of help. I have 2 questions for people more experienced with Fetlife:

(1) Is it considered good etiquette to display your age and gender/preferences in a label form? I find labels quite limiting to both the user and recipient but I could see why Fetlife would want to display that info. It’s not that I mind others knowing my preferences/age but I would not normally introduce myself immediately in a chat as ‘I’m Phoenix, a 53 yo bisexual (probably pan) female, how are you?’ Is this the expected/preferred intro? Will this info (including my age which led to the first contact) display every time I post something? Are there ways to limit the display of info other than my location?

(2) Does anyone have any recommendations on interesting Fetlife groups/pages to check out? I really like the art of Shibari and would like to learn to tie/rig but want to check out the entire BDSM community to see what else I like. My partner and i enjoy some light bedroom activities (we switch) at home and are considering building a sex room, so I would like to explore the BDSM world more thoroughly.
 
On rereading this I realized I should clarify something. The man was not at fault for contacting me in his preferred way, even though he apologized. I mistakenly left myself completely open to be contacted , so lesson learned. Entirely my fault. Limitations and boundaries always stated up front.
 
Lots of people just put their age as 99 and their location as Antarctica, when they are just into posting pix for attention and flirting and not looking to date or make friends in their local area. I have my city/state on my page but I put my age as 99 and update it back down to 99 every couple of years. (I've been on Fetlife for about 15 years, I guess.)

You can just post a profile pic of the back of your head and get hit on by dozens/hundreds of men lol
 
Hi phoenix,

I think it is okay to display whatever you are comfortable with, if you want your age and gender/preferences to be widely known, go ahead and enter them, if not, don't enter them. I'm not sure if FetLife requires you to enter certain things, lots of people do enter Antarctica and 99 years old as a way around that. I do not think you need to say, "I'm Phoenix, a 53-year-old bisexual, how are you?" Just "I'm Phoenix, how are you?" suffices. As I said it all depends on what makes you comfortable, if there is some information that you'd rather not throw out there, go ahead and keep it to yourself.

FetLife has some polyamory groups, and you might want to check those out. I have not checked them out personally, but I think they'd be interesting to have a look at. Just a thought. There's a wide range of interesting topics (BDSM) on FetLife, do a search and you'll see lots of groups come up.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Phoenix!
It is totally up to you, as long as you are honest and polite, any introduction is welcome. I usually would say something like: hi, I came across your profile on my feed, and really enjoyed reading your profile....
As far as your interests, try searching the 'groups', 'events' tabs at the top of the page. You can narrow your search by interest or area. Hope this helps.
 
Thanks so much for the info. I will try to adjust my profile since I just want to look around for now. Love the 99yo from Antarctica 😂……think I might use this for now.
 
If you are 99 from Antarctica you tend to get left alone unless you post something raunchy in a group, then it's RIP your inbox all over again for a few days. It dies down once the newer posts push yours to page two though.
 
Thanks Evie,

On more exploration I noticed most people left their ages etc. on their profiles, so I decided to leave my age/sexuality out there too. I didn’t fill out my ‘about me’ profile since I’m just educating myself reading discussions/stickies for now. I thought I had a reasonable idea of the breadth of BDSM, but I definitely need time to figure myself and the community out more completely. It seems so specific what people are looking for…..is this like a professional job posting (haha) where you should ‘apply’ if you fulfill several of the requirements but not all? Trust seems like a delicate thing in this space…..I am new and therefore treading carefully and many people who practice BDSM want to keep this a private part of their lives and therefore need trust earned over time. So, is it better to meet people face-to-face at munches or workshops etc. at first and build a network of like-minded friends from there rather than sift through on-line ads to meet people?
 
I tend to think face-to-face (at munches, workshops, etc.) is best, but sometimes you need online ads to work up to it. Try googling "BDSM" with the name of your state or nearest major city, and hopefully some local groups will come up for you. You can search for local groups on FetLife too.
 
This is not strictly a poly inquiry, but Fetlife has been mentioned a few times on this site and I hope some people familiar with the site can help me.

Since you cannot browse Fetlife without joining, I decided to join using minimal information so I could just explore. I added a photo (in retrospect, not sure if I should have at this point) to show some limited participation. I chose what I thought was a cool photo of me, very tame compared to many on the site. I was contacted by a younger man who saw the photo and sent me a full nude of himself with his semi-erect cock in his hand! 😳 He wanted to please a cougar/daddy. So, welcome to Fetlife! Perhaps the profile pic I chose suggested more dominance than I thought (I suppose that’s what I’m putting out there holding a feathered crop and wearing a Venetian mask, although this is only one aspect of myself). I realized I had completely missed the privacy options page and readjusted my settings. I added exploring and just curious to my bio. Kevin will be happy to know I told the inquiring man that I wasn’t looking for any contact at this time, just exploring & missed setting my privacy page.The man was very apologetic.

So, this falling-into-the-deep-end experience has led me back here to ask for a bit of help. I have 2 questions for people more experienced with Fetlife:

(1) Is it considered good etiquette to display your age and gender/preferences in a label form? I find labels quite limiting to both the user and recipient but I could see why Fetlife would want to display that info. It’s not that I mind others knowing my preferences/age but I would not normally introduce myself immediately in a chat as ‘I’m Phoenix, a 53 yo bisexual (probably pan) female, how are you?’ Is this the expected/preferred intro? Will this info (including my age which led to the first contact) display every time I post something? Are there ways to limit the display of info other than my location?

(2) Does anyone have any recommendations on interesting Fetlife groups/pages to check out? I really like the art of Shibari and would like to learn to tie/rig but want to check out the entire BDSM community to see what else I like. My partner and i enjoy some light bedroom activities (we switch) at home and are considering building a sex room, so I would like to explore the BDSM world more thoroughly.
Hey Phoenix, good to meet you. Yes, I am on Fetlife. I came onto the kink scene about 7 years ago. You can portray yourself as whatever you would like on that site, just as you can on any dating site. I am Senior straight female in a poly relationship. Fetlife can introduce you to just about everything. One thing I would suggest is not to look at your profile as anything other than what your are expecting and preferring to find there. Yes, you can limit your intro to whatever YOU WANT! I too am interested in Shabari and being tied and learning "the ropes" so to speak. Funny also, I am considering building a home with a sex room. I suggest seek out Events in your area where you can meet up others in the lifestyle. They will come from various groups with varied interests but have been very accepting. I have only posted one picture of myself which is just my back in white lace but have received many compliments. Prepare for an onslaught of contact from ALL AGES because KINK knows no age!! but I find most of my contacts have been somewhat local to where I live. I do have my county listed. Hope this helps and good luck. Let me know what you discover!
 
I highly recommend going to a munch/workshop. If your area is lucky enough to have different groups/styles of munch, try 'em all out and see which group you gel with most. You may not end up staying doing community based kink in the long run, but it can be great for learning about stuff at the beginning. Many people are delighted to skill share and it can be so refreshing just being in a room of like-minded people.
 
Thank you all for the encouraging comments. And it is wonderful to virtually meet you too SkeetScamp. From what you’ve all told me, the community sounds quite welcoming and meeting people face-to-face does seem best to me at this point. So, I think I’m ready to jump in and try it. Apparently Toronto has a pretty large rope scene so I think I’ll start with an Intro class. I noticed the owner of the studio I want to attend is on FetLife (of course) and I expect many of the others practicing the art are there too. Seems like the right place to start. Thank you all again for your guidance.
 
I'm glad we have been able to help.
 
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