a hard feelings evening...

N

Nostalgia37

New member
Hey, so I've been struggling a bit recently with how much easier polyamory seems to be for my partner than for me. He's recently gone on a trip to visit someone he had been considering as a partner (they have a history together, but it was long distance until now), and so far it seems to have been going really, really well. I'm very happy for him. They have a lot in common, and there are some life aspects this person can connect with him on that I just can't provide for him.

However, I'm frustrated by the amount of inner work I have had to do over the past few months as this has become a developing conversation over the months.

I was very adamant at the beginning that we not open our relationship any further than ENM, but I reconsidered that after seeing how much the relationship meant to him, and decided to start doing more proper research into polyamory. However, it just seems at the moment that this comes naturally and easily to him. He gets to enjoy the comfort of both relationships, and I'm on my own, reading and researching and journaling and trying as hard as I can to process my feelings. I think I've been doing pretty okay, and I know lots of the feelings I'm having are normal for people entering into polyamory for the first time, I'm just frustrated that he doesn't seem to be having any of these internal feelings of loneliness or jealousy or upset.

Because I am lonely, I had to convince him to call and talk with me on this trip, because he basically wanted to not contact me completely, outside of texting occasionally, while he went on this trip.

I'm just grappling with what it's going to mean to become secondary to this other person in his life. It's hard to deal with and I feel really lonely. I went out with some friends this evening. They're a lovely couple, and I just saw them together, and some of my other friends who are together, and it made me feel a lot of really hard things that I'm not really sure how to process. He texted me tonight that he really does have feelings for this other person, and it's really confusing to be so happy for someone and feeling all this at the same time.

Our relationship had hit a weird spot before this trip and we didn't really get to see each other in person after it in order to repair it. So I don't know. I'm having a hard time with the rejection mostly, with this person not being available to me all the time anymore, with him actively seeking to spend time with another person over me, and feeling like I have to beg or compromise for a phone call.

I wanted to be his first priority and I don't think our relationship can work like that anymore, even if he has said to me that he wants to and believes it will. I do trust him and I do love him a lot, this is just very new and very strange to me and I'm having to reorient a lot of what I thought my future was going to look like. I think it'll be for the best, and the happiest way I can live my life. I'm just having to let go of a lot of things right now, and that's really sad, even if it is necessary.

The loss of control is really hard, the loss of knowing what goes on between him and other people. The knowledge they have something secret that I don't really get to be a part of, at least not right now-- that's really hard. I've been crying about it for a bit. But it doesn't feel like the end of the whole world, which is good. I keep telling myself the crying is necessary because I don't usually let myself cry over many things, and I always take it as a bad sign when I do cry, so I'm hoping processing now will keep me from heartache later and such. I'm trying really hard to trust love and just process as things come.

I'm just trying to push through right now and hope it'll get easier once this initial phase is over. I'm just processing and feeling a lot of hard things right now, and I'm looking for some kind of support or encouragement.
 
Gosh that sounds like such a hard place to be and one that resonates deeply for me. I am sorry this is hard for you and I can't offer much other than to say that I have heard you and you are not alone in these feelings.
 
Why do you think you're going to become secondary in his life to this other person?

Are you feeling like you're in poly hell? Have you ever talked about poly hell with him before so he can become aware of how he can help mitigate it?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com
 
navigatingnewwaters said:
Gosh that sounds like such a hard place to be and one that resonates deeply for me. I am sorry this is hard for you and I can't offer much other than to say that I have heard you and you are not alone in these feelings.
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I’m glad to know I’m not alone. :) Sending you love if you need some.

I’m doing better after this night, which is always how it seems to be. (No major life decisions past 8:00pm has saved me many times).

Something that’s been helping me is imagining the parts of our future with this person involved that I am really looking forwards to! Like all of us cuddling, or going to see a movie, or just hanging out. And then I talked about those thoughts with my partner because I know he is very excited for these things and he is excited for me to join him in that new future.

I know he knows I have it a little harder from my end, but I love him very very much and I know I am excited for this new future. I just have to make sure not to blow it up before we get there.

I know a lot of what I’m feeling are just fears that are based on stories I’ve been told about how the world “should” work and the consequences when you stray from that. I’ve let that fear control lots of my life and almost destroy very wonderful things before, so I am determined not to do so here.

I hope this can be a bit helpful to you in your own journey. Good luck and much happiness in your future. :)
 
Evie said:
Why do you think you're going to become secondary in his life to this other person?

Are you feeling like you're in poly hell? Have you ever talked about poly hell with him before so he can become aware of how he can help mitigate it?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com
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Hi! Thanks for your reply and the link :) I have read through poly hell before, and I don’t think it applies to our situation currently. However, lots of the emotions the article discussed are some of the things I have been feeling. I’ll be sure to bring it up with him, albeit later when he’s back from his trip.

My fear of being “secondary” I think is more of an abstract fear that I’m trying not to feed with speculation or catastrophizing, but actually I just realized a good portion of the fear is coming from certain abandonment traumas, so I guess I’ll go ahead and try and sit with that for a bit. But either way, there’s definitely a part of it that is from like, “I’m worried he will love this person more than me”, which is unfounded. But the real “secondary” sadness is something more like “I am no longer the only romantic relationship in his life and I felt that position gave/entitled me to certain privileges between us, and to others, even if I remain as the ‘primary’ romantic partner”. That’s not quite what it feels like, but I think it’s just stemming from the adjustment to the change.

He’s been a part of my daily schedule for almost two years now, and sometimes I don’t think I’m that attached to routines, but it is a little disorienting that this person, who is the first person I say good morning to and the last person I say good night to before I go to sleep-- that some nights they may not want to talk to me because they’re with someone else. That’s kind of a lonely thought that makes me feel very sad in some ways.

I’ll do my best to communicate this with him so we can make sure we don’t end up in poly hell.
 
Hello Nost,

It sounds like you have been trying really hard to be supportive of your partner in his new relationship. Naturally you are going to have some growing pains. It is okay to be honest with your partner, about that you are struggling, but that you want to support him. It is hard to watch your partner go through such an easy time for him, while you are going through such a hard time for you. Maybe you feel a little jealous towards him for that reason.

You seem to be worried that you are going to become secondary in his life, while this new partner is going to become primary. Have you expressed this fear to him? Has he told you that this is (probably) going to be what is going to happen, or are you just developing an outlook based on your fear? It sounds like your partner is deep in his NRE for his other partner. Sometimes NRE tricks us into neglecting our original partner. And maybe that is one of the reasons why you are feeling secondary. Maybe when you say secondary, you just mean that you are no longer his one and only.

Perhaps you are feeling a worry that you will not be able to get through this time of transition. I want to let you know that you can get through this, you got this. Just keep writing on this forum as your situation evolves, and get moral support from the people on this forum. We are here to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Nost,

It sounds like you have been trying really hard to be supportive of your partner in his new relationship. Naturally you are going to have some growing pains. It is okay to be honest with your partner, about that you are struggling, but that you want to support him. It is hard to watch your partner go through such an easy time for him, while you are going through such a hard time for you. Maybe you feel a little jealous towards him for that reason.

You seem to be worried that you are going to become secondary in his life, while this new partner is going to become primary. Have you expressed this fear to him? Has he told you that this is (probably) going to be what is going to happen, or are you just developing an outlook based on your fear? It sounds like your partner is deep in his NRE for his other partner. Sometimes NRE tricks us into neglecting our original partner. And maybe that is one of the reasons why you are feeling secondary. Maybe when you say secondary, you just mean that you are no longer his one and only.

Perhaps you are feeling a worry that you will not be able to get through this time of transition. I want to let you know that you can get through this, you got this. Just keep writing on this forum as your situation evolves, and get moral support from the people on this forum. We are here to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Hi Kevin, thank you very much for your support and kind words :)

I responded above you to someone else about my replacement fears and such, and I’m not quite sure how to link that in my reply as I’ve seen others do. But I do agree that my feelings right now have less to do with becoming “secondary” and more to do with no longer being the “one and only”.

I’m waiting until my partner comes back from his trip to talk to him about my feelings, but I’m honestly very worried that it’ll be too much of a burden for him or just an unnecessary worry for me to talk to him about how I’ve been feeling, especially as I don’t really have any solutions or suggestions for how we could change things or what I could need for help. I don’t really want to have a conversation where I just like cry in front of him or something.

I think I’ve figured out that the rejection, or perceived rejection, is the hardest part... feeling like I miss him every day and that he really isn’t even thinking about me unless I text or call. Like I’ve gone back through our texts over the past week and I do feel like if I hadn’t insisted on us calling, if I hadn’t been the one texting first every day, basically every time, he literally would not have contacted me for the entire week. And I know it’s on me to communicate my needs, I just really resent feeling like whatever this is making me feel like. Unwanted and rejected, mainly. Like I’m the only one who’s putting in effort. And that he didn’t just understand that, maybe saying, “I don’t really want to call you for a week while I go see this new person” might make me feel like... bad.

And I know I’m not being overly clingy either. We’ve called maybe twice while he’s been away, and we text maybe 3-4 short conversations every day, so I know I’m not being like overly needy, nor do I want to be. I want him to have a good time, but I also just feel like he’s not considering me at all unless I say something, and I feel kind of invisible.

Unfortunately, today I thought I’d been doing better, but I seem to have spent the last several hours sleeping away some of the more heavy feelings I’ve been dealing with, and I’d appreciate any advice you have in dealing with that, as well. They seem to be dragging me down and making it hard to get through my day-to-day.
 
Hi Nost,

I don't think you need to have any solutions to this problem, for you to talk to your partner about it, maybe all you need for starters is for your partner to be understanding about it, and to be aware that you are having these struggles. Just let him know that you don't need him to solve the problem, maybe you just need a hug from him, and some reassurance that you are still important to him, and that he doesn't love you any less. You might also express to him that you know he is having some NRE with his new partner, and that NRE makes it harder for him to remember that you still need him.

NRE is such a powerful brew of chemicals, your partner is going to need you to remind him sometimes, "Hey, I love you and I want you to have a good time, but I'm still here, don't forget about me." You and your partner probably had NRE with each other when you first got together, so you might be able to remember how that was, and have some patience with him now, he probably doesn't even realize how strong of an effect the NRE is having over him. Don't lose hope, NRE doesn't last forever, in time his relationship with his new partner will calm down, and you will be on equal footing with him again.

Other than that, I don't have any tips or tricks for how to get through what you're going through, I guess it comes down to good old-fashioned endurance. You are going to feel jealous, you are going to feel resentful, you are going to feel afraid. In a way, this situation is unfair to you, and your place in your partner's life isn't 100% secure. Love is always a risk. You have to have faith in yourself that no matter what happens, you will get through this. You are stronger than you feel right now. The one thing you should always be able to count on, is that you will always love yourself.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Nost,

I don't think you need to have any solutions to this problem, for you to talk to your partner about it, maybe all you need for starters is for your partner to be understanding about it, and to be aware that you are having these struggles. Just let him know that you don't need him to solve the problem, maybe you just need a hug from him, and some reassurance that you are still important to him, and that he doesn't love you any less. You might also express to him that you know he is having some NRE with his new partner, and that NRE makes it harder for him to remember that you still need him.

NRE is such a powerful brew of chemicals, your partner is going to need you to remind him sometimes, "Hey, I love you and I want you to have a good time, but I'm still here, don't forget about me." You and your partner probably had NRE with each other when you first got together, so you might be able to remember how that was, and have some patience with him now, he probably doesn't even realize how strong of an effect the NRE is having over him. Don't lose hope, NRE doesn't last forever, in time his relationship with his new partner will calm down, and you will be on equal footing with him again.

Other than that, I don't have any tips or tricks for how to get through what you're going through, I guess it comes down to good old-fashioned endurance. You are going to feel jealous, you are going to feel resentful, you are going to feel afraid. In a way, this situation is unfair to you, and your place in your partner's life isn't 100% secure. Love is always a risk. You have to have faith in yourself that no matter what happens, you will get through this. You are stronger than you feel right now. The one thing you should always be able to count on, is that you will always love yourself.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
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It definitely does feel like he’s getting carried away with the NRE in some aspects, so I’ll make sure to keep that in mind when we talk.

And thank you for the encouragement. I knew that this path was far from the easy one when we started down it, but I’m doing my best to trust myself to take care of myself and my partner to keep his end of the relationship. Thanks very much for helping me feel less alone in this :]
 
No problem, I hope you and your partner are able to work things out.
 
Hey, you shared an insight about keeping yourself occupied while your partner was away visiting his OSO. You hung out with partnered friends, and it just made you feel worse. That makes sense, but I never really thought about that, seeing other happy couples while you're feeling lonely doesn't really help the situation!

I am not sure how much research you both did into polyamory before he started becoming serious with his long-distance lover... It sounds like it's first time for you both.

It's good you're not blowing up his phone with jealous texts, and waiting until he gets back to work through some of the unexpected issues that came up. How long is he gone for, 2 weeks? That's the first time they've met? Most couples usually start out with local dating, and just a regular evening date, then gradually working up to one overnight, then a weekend. So you're having a trial by fire!

Of course poly is easier/more fun for him. He's the one with 2 partners. You've only got him! Are you considering dating others yourself?

We have more resources listed at the top of this section of the board. If you haven't read Opening Up, I highly recommend it.

You have every right to ask for reassurance, hugs, dates, romance, sex, quality time, when he does get back. I am sorry he seems to not think about you at all, to the point of initiating the good morning and good night texts while he's away.
 
Magdlyn said:
Hey, you shared an insight about keeping yourself occupied while your partner was away visiting his OSO. You hung out with partnered friends, and it just made you feel worse. That makes sense, but I never really thought about that, seeing other happy couples while you're feeling lonely doesn't really help the situation!

I am not sure how much research you both did into polyamory before he started becoming serious with his long-distance lover... It sounds like it's first time for you both.

It's good you're not blowing up his phone with jealous texts, and waiting until he gets back to work through some of the unexpected issues that came up. How long is he gone for, 2 weeks? That's the first time they've met? Most couples usually start out with local dating, and just a regular evening date, then gradually working up to one overnight, then a weekend. So you're having a trial by fire!

Of course poly is easier/more fun for him. He's the one with 2 partners. You've only got him! Are you considering dating others yourself?

We have more resources listed at the top of this section of the board. If you haven't read Opening Up, I highly recommend it.

You have every right to ask for reassurance, hugs, dates, romance, sex, quality time, when he does get back. I am sorry he seems to not think about you at all, to the point of initiating the good morning and good night texts while he's away.
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Thanks for your kind words, Magdlyn.

He’s away for a week. They’ve been friends online (at some point they were in a situationship) for about 4 years. To make things more complicated, we’ve both been what I call “medium distance” (about a 2 hour drive) from each other for the whole of our relationship. We had talked about this trip beforehand and he gave me lots of reassurance that he was just going to see if they were compatible for anything more than “just friends," even though he’d had a crush on this person previously.

Trial by fire is right. I do kind of feel like I’m being slow roasted over an open flame, emotionally.

I’ve sent him a text as of now saying I really need to talk with him about this. I did something a little stupid, instead of talking immediately to him, and pulled back from texting today to see if he’d message me at all without me prompting, and he did so twice, once to mention what he ate for dinner, without much follow up, and about an hour ago to tell me about the (what sounds to be) amazing sex they’re having. At this point I just feel like, absolutely awful. Just horrible.

Doesn’t help that I both look and act like this person. My partner always said he has a type, but tbh right now it’s making me feel like a layover to his final destination.

I guess I’m officially in poly hell. I’d say it could be worse, but tbh, it’s pretty awful. lmao

I really haven’t considered dating anyone else. We’re doing something that I should also have regarded with way more care which is, “opening up for a specific person." Well, like Kevin said, love is always a risk. There’s some part of me that really wants this to work out somehow, but there’s another part of me that’s been crying for three days and is *really* exhausted.
 
I feel pretty stupid now, writing all this out. We’ve broken pretty much every rule in the damn book of “what not to do”. I don’t know how I let it get to this point, I feel really stupid. But I think we’re done. At least I know that.
 
I wouldn't go there right now. Are you in a tough space? Hell yes! But that's what it is. This is your first experience, and it's a week long?! Most people starting out only have to deal with a date of a few hours of their mind taking over and convincing them of horrible things, before being in their partner's arms again getting reassurance. You are not only LD from him but he's gone with this other person for a week! Your brain and emotions are in overdrive.

It sounds like he's sharing TMI about his trip. You don't need to hear about what a great time he's having or about the sex. His time spent with you should be about connecting with you and giving you reassurance. All you needed to know before he saw you next is if he's going to keep seeing the other person, and that the relationship is sexual, and the new risk profiles, so you can choose if you are comfortable or not.

If you are asking for details, stop. If he is freely giving them, then tell him to stop.

The reason he is having an easy time is because it's easy to see others. The person doing the work is the partner who is seeing their partner date others. This is why both people should date. It creates a situation where both partners need to do work.

Polyamory is not about being comfortable seeing others, it's about being comfortable with your partner seeing others.

It takes work to get to an okay place, and is best done slowly, so your brain and body can get small doses, then see that the relationship was not harmed by it. Repeated doses calm the mind and body so you don't enter fight or flight and it becomes easier.

Talk to him. Once he is home, see if he can slow down... Or you start dating someone locally to give you "occasional date" experience. You should try dating too. You don't have to jump in with feelings and sex, just date. If someone hits all your tingles, then go from there, but you don't have to try from there.

Read a ton, do it together, and talk about what you read. Listen to podcasts like Multiamory. Start at the beginning, as those are the foundation episodes where you'll learn excellent skills on how to do poly.

I know you are gloom and doom right now... Don't let it take you down. This is poly in hard mode. Give yourself a chance to recover before throwing in the towel. Poly may not be for you, but this experience isn't how you decide that. Give yourself grace. What you are feeling is normal, given your situation.
 
Bobbi said:
I wouldn't go there right now. Are you in a tough space? Hell yes! But that's what it is. This is your first experience and it's a week long?! Most people starting out only have to heal with a date of a few hours of their mind taking over and convincing them of horrible things before being in their partners arms again getting reassurance. You are not only LD from him but he's gone with this other person for a week! Your brain and emotions are on overdrive.

It sounds like he's sharing TMI about his trip...you don't need to hear about what a great time he's having or about the sex. His time spent with you should be Bout connecting with you and giving you reassurance. All you needed to know before he saw you next is if he's going to keep seeing him and that the relationship is sexual and the new risk profiles so you can choose if you are comfortable or not.

If you are asking for details, stop. If he is freely giving them then tell him to stop.

The reason he is having an easy time is because it's easy to see others. The person doing the work is the partner who is seeing their partner date others. This is why both people should date...it creates a situation where both partners need to do work.

Polyamory is not about being comfortable seeing others, it's about being comfortable with your partner seeing others.

It takes work to get to an okay place and is best done slowly so your brain and body can get small doses then see that the relationship was not harmed by it. Repeated doses calms the mind and body to you don't enter fight or flight and it becomes easier.

Talk to him. Once he is home see if he can slow down...or start dating someone locally to give you "occasional date" experience. You should try dating too. You don't have to jump in with feelings and sex, just date....if someone hits all your tingles then go from there but you don't have to try from there.

Read a ton, do it together and talk about what you read. Listen to podcasts like Multiamory. Start at the beginning as those are the foundation episodes where you'll learn excellent skills on how to do poly.

I know you are gloom and doom right now....don't let it take you down. This is poly in hard mode. Give yourself a chance to recover before throwing in the towel. Poly may not be for you but this experience isn't how you decide that. Give yourself grace. What you are feeling is normal given your situation.
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Thank you very much for your support. Today I did talk to him and unfortunately I was really really angry and upset and genuinely thought the relationship was over. But I can see now I’d just gotten way too overwhelmed, like you said can happen, and kind of completely melted down. We talked for a long time and I’m starting to see a way forward. I’ve scheduled a therapy appointment soon and I’ve invited my partner to be a part of that.

Luckily for me, after talking to him, it turns out that a lot of the fears and anxieties I was having was just me projecting onto his lack of communication, and that lack he has understood as a very improper choice for this situation. I’m recognizing now that I will have inner work to do on this, so that’s something I’ll make sure to keep on. I just got completely overwhelmed by the whole situation and I just couldn’t handle it properly, and both he and I agree we did too much too quickly.

I’ll definitely have us check out those resources you mentioned. Thank you again. :]
 
Sounds like you are in the right track.

The worst thing you can do is let your mind create the story that gets your emotions worked up. The mind thrives on negative and has a hard time holding onto the positive.

Share with your partner the story in your head and ask him what the true story is. And frame it that way...

Don't say, "When you don't call me, I think you don't love me." Instead say, "When you don't call me, the story that my head tells me is that you don't love me." This leaves accusations and blame out of it.

We all know our brain can catastrophise any event from a missed call, late for dinner or a new smell on them you've never smelled before. You can believe the story in your head, which is usually the worst case scenario, or you can find out the truth of a situation.
 
Further update for the moment-- from our discussion, it actually turned out that he's no longer considering dating this person at all, and had decided that pretty quickly into the trip. It also turns out this person no longer wants to pursue romantic relationships with anyone for the moment and hasn't for a while.

However, my partner just made a huge mistake, in that he was so excited to bring home information to share with me in sort of a presentation style, when we saw each other in person, that he did not update me as things went and instead left me completely in the dark about this, with my only understanding being the one we started out with, about how he was excited to see if this person would be compatible for him to date long term. So I just felt like he was going away and frolicking in a field somewhere, with no idea what was going on or how he was actually feeling, for almost a week.

I'm bringing him into my therapy session this week and we're definitely going to talk about that, because I have laid out very very completely how absolutely not okay that was, and how insanely dangerous and harmful it was for him to do. From there, he was able to pretty quickly dispel a lot of my other anxieties. He listened and was very receptive to feedback and was properly apologetic and understanding of all my various feelings.

We're not breaking up, but I do think we have a lot of work to do. It's definitely going to take some hard work on his part to repair the hurt that he has done. But, all in all, I haven't lost someone I love very much, and I've learned a lot about myself and standing up for my feelings and boundaries, and what I can take, and what I can't. And I've learned how quickly I need to call things out when I see them, or share my feelings when I feel them, regardless of my fears. A very painful way to learn these things, but that's life, I guess.
 
I hope you can get to a place of healing and that one day you view it from a different lens.

FYI, in my practice of polyamory, he didn't do anything wrong. It's different strokes for different folks.
 
Again, it doesn't have to be a trial by fire and making big mistakes on both sides, and suffering and days of tears. You are learning from us, and you can learn much more from the books, etc. in the resource list at the top of this forum section. You'll be able to correct mistakes more quickly, before they snowball, and avoid making others.

Good luck!

It was shitty of him to boast to you about his amazing sex. But I am kind of intrigued that neither of them want to continue to pursue a real dating relationship, despite good physical chemistry.
 
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