A little advice would be appreciated.

[masterchiefandcortana]

Hey, everybody. I'm sure some of you read my post over on the Introductions forum but I thought I might post here to get some advice and insight.

You can call me Cortana. I've been married to my husband, Chief, for 3 years now. Our relationship was really rocky at first but we've smoothed over a lot of the bumps in the road and have been getting so much closer. I feel like our relationship is very stable. We trust each other completely and can be open and honest about absolutely anything. Chief has had a lot of problems expressing himself and his feelings over the years but has come a long way and grown a lot. I've been able to be more understanding and empathetic. Our marriage has blossomed.

However... I recently came to the realization that I'm deeply in love with one of our mutual friends. At first, Chief was very hurt by it. He has a very mono mindset and felt that our relationship was threatened and that we would never be the same again. Over the past couple of weeks, we've been doing a lot of talking and reading. He started reading The Ethical Slut and I started reading More Than Two. I think these books have really opened both of our eyes to a lot of problems but also a lot of solutions in our relationship. Chief has (very surprisingly) come around quite quickly to the thought of opening up our marriage and being comfortable enough for me to have another relationship. He is being as supportive as he can, and I in turn am doing my best to reassure him of the stability of our own relationship.

The problem I'm having is no longer with Chief. We have come a long way in a short amount of time. The problem I have now is with... well, I guess we can just call him Locke. Chief and Locke have been friends for over 10 years. Locke and I have known each other as long as I've known Chief, but we've only gotten close over the past two years or so. We were strictly friends until the conversation with my husband happened to begin opening up our relationship. And then, well... we remained friends.

Locke is not very experienced with relationships. He's the same age as my husband (26, going on 27) but has only had two brief relationships that both ended with his heart being broken and his trust being violated quite horribly. He's chosen to focus instead on his military career rather than pursue relationships.

I've been completely open and honest with both Chief and Locke about how I feel about both of them. Locke knows that I love him and want to pursue a relationship with him, but he isn't quite familiar with polyamory either or how it works. He expressed concerns, like the fact that he would always feel like "the third wheel," like someone that was "tacked on" to mine and Chief's marriage. I don't know how to ease those feelings of his, and my fear is that I never will. He is open to learning and looking at the situation with an open mind, but his final thought as of now on the subject is that he can't promise me anything more than friendship.

To be honest, I think I'm okay with that for now. I feel like there's a huge weight that's been lifted off my shoulders now that I've finally been able to be honest with everyone about my feelings.

Locke has agreed to read More Than Two. He said that while he's not sure it will change his mind, it might give him more insight into the situation and give him some things to think about.

But I guess my question in the meantime is... What do I do? What can I do? I'm not pressuring Locke at all and have made it clear I'm okay with staying friends. I'm just holding onto hope because he seems interested in the prospect of a relationship but has some major reservations like the fact he will "never be able to have a family or a marriage" with me. But I think we know that's a whole other can of worms... I'm not quite sure how to approach that yet.

Locke and I haven't seen each other in over a year. Last time we saw each other, we were just friends. (Edit: He is coming to stay with us in October for two weekends.) Now, there's definitely sexual tension and a longing to see each other and spend time together. I'm just... I dunno. I don't know where the path I'm on will take me and I'm nervous.

Edit: I should probably add that Locke doesn't live near us right now. This is his home and where he's from, but he lives out of state currently and only visits occasionally on leave. October will be predeployment leave for him. I'm sure you understand this implies that we would be long distance for the most part and that we would only see each other once or twice a year. Yeesh. More complications, I know.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Cortana,

I am thinking that you and Locke will probably be limited on how much of a relationship you can develop, not so much because of poly, but rather because as a military man he will probably (at least almost) always be long distance. I would suggest maintaining a friendship with him, while perhaps he could continue to learn more about poly. In time, perhaps years down the line, you may be able to develop a poly relationship with him.

Another book you might want to consider is "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. Good luck to you in general, and I hope you'll keep us posted.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[masterchiefandcortana]

Thanks for your reply, kdt26417! I don't really have a problem with the long distance part of it. Most of our friendship has been over long distance and has still been able to remain strong. I have no doubt a romantic relationship could be the same. I don't mind seeing him sparingly since I know we still have a strong bond while he's away. Thanks though. I will definitely check out that book you mentioned as well! I'm open to any other sources of information that I can educate myself with.

 

[Evie]

Maybe don't call it a relationship, then there won't be unspoken expectations that we attach to that word. You could enjoy each other without a label, or have a conversation that clearly defines what you want (such as him saying he wants friendship first and foremost). Discuss sexual and emotional intimacy/love as nice-to-include in friendship but as not making this an escalating relationship where you eventually need to be making retirement plans together.

 

[masterchiefandcortana]

Oh, Evie, I love your name! I've always wished that was my name in real life.

Hmm. An interesting way to look at it. I might have to consider that then. I know it's not what I want but if it's what makes Locke happy, maybe it will have to do. Thank you for your response. I will put some thought into it.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

He's chosen to focus instead on his military career rather than pursue relationships

He is open to learning and looking at the situation with an open mind, but his final thought as of now on the subject is that he can't promise me anything more than friendship.

Could let this one go before it starts then. Respect that he wants to focus on career rather than relationships. Just be friends and nothing more.

has some major reservations like the fact he will "never be able to have a family or a marriage" with me. But I think we know that's a whole other can of worms... I'm not quite sure how to approach that yet.

He wants stuff you cannot provide. So rather than get all the people emotionally vested and then be wrangling heartache later? Could skip it. Could decline to pursue a romance with him and then you don't even have to approach it. It becomes a non-issue.

Locke and I haven't seen each other in over a year. Last time we saw each other, we were just friends. (Edit: He is coming to stay with us in October for two weekends.) Now, there's definitely sexual tension and a longing to see each other and spend time together.

Could ask him to stay elsewhere like a hotel or with family/friends since this is his hometown. Not in your house. So there's not "accidental making out/sex" stuff happening nor the temptation. Get together for lunch or dinner with Chief but nothing that could be interpreted as "romantic."

Just because you have a crush on someone doesn't mean you HAVE to do anything about it or pursue it. It's ok to enjoy a crush on a friend and leave it as friendship.

Galagirl

 

[masterchiefandcortana]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, GalaGirl.

While I appreciate your thoughts, I don't have a simple crush on Locke. Please forgive me if I come off as defensive but I hate to think I haven't given very good explanations for everything. You have given very sound advice, and you are absolutely right: the smart thing to do would be to just play it safe and call it quits, remaining friends instead. I'm honestly not sure I could live with the "what if's" of this kind of situation though. I love him deeply, as much as I do Chief. I don't need to have sex with him to know that.

As far as him focusing on his military career, he has passively dated women but stopped pursuing them seriously (like using Tinder or going out looking to hook up). If they show interest in him, he reciprocates but hasn't had much luck there. Women aren't entirely out of the question, as if he's sworn them off. Before I even came to the realization that I was in love with him, I was coaching him through his encounters with women and trying to set him up for success with the women he was seeing because I wanted him to be happy. Those potential relationships fell through because of incompatibility (religious beliefs, etc) or dishonesty on the women's part. He's stopped talking to other women since I've revealed my feelings to him (of his own volition, not by my request. I could never ask him to do that).

I've read of successful relationships between polyamorous people that have children from multiple partners. Lord knows it doesn't work for everyone but I don't want to rule that out completely. I like the idea of it but that would come later if at all... much later down the road.

Locke does have other places to stay. You're right about that. However, Locke is the one that asked to stay with us in October specifically to see me and to spend time with me. To "date" and see what happens between us, romantically or otherwise. Chief gave his permission for this to happen. That's why I said I was hanging onto hope - because he seems interested in a relationship but has those reservations...

I wish this whole thing wasn't so complicated, but I won't just sit back and not let it happen. I love him and want to give it a shot. If it doesn't work, I can live with that. But to pass it off entirely... I don't want to make that choice. I understand that might make me selfish and I'm willing to admit to that.

On a side note... he's not my only close male friend. I have multiple men that I have known very well for a long time and haven't felt this way about them in the slightest.

 

[Tinwen]

Locke does have other places to stay. You're right about that. However, Locke is the one that asked to stay with us in October specifically to see me and to spend time with me. To "date" and see what happens between us, romantically or otherwise. Chief gave his permission for this to happen. That's why I said I was hanging onto hope - because he seems interested in a relationship but has those reservations...

It seems like you're getting some mixed signals then. What is his intend? Have sex because it's possible? Have a relationship but try to keep it low commitment, until he happens to find someone else? Try dating for a bit and see? Whatever it is, are you ok with that approach? It would be worth clearing that up, before the stay. So go have a skype talk or something.

It seems to me you're doing all you can do to enable the relationship and have the necessary theory background, by reading and asking your partners tor read books etc. and having discussions along the way. So I don't think giving dating a try despite doubts is necessarily a road to hell.

The one thing you can do now is getting ok with all the outcomes, so that you don't lay unrealistic expectations on Locke or your husband. Your "trial" period could end in a week, a month or a year by either of them finding out that this is not for them ... with the worst case scenarios where either Locke breaks your heart by finding someone else after you're already deeply involved, or even worse, your husband finding out he can't handle the situation after you're deeply involved with both and you having to choose. There's no real way of preventing these outcomes, except for not getting involved in the first place.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

However... I recently came to the realization that I'm deeply in love with one of our mutual friends. At first, Chief was very hurt by it. He has a very mono mindset and felt that our relationship was threatened and that we would never be the same again. Over the past couple of weeks, we've been doing a lot of talking and reading. He started reading The Ethical Slut and I started reading More Than Two. I think these books have really opened both of our eyes to a lot of problems but also a lot of solutions in our relationship. Chief has (very surprisingly) come around quite quickly to the thought of opening up our marriage and being comfortable enough for me to have another relationship. He is being as supportive as he can, and I in turn am doing my best to reassure him of the stability of our own relationship.

While Chief may seem to be ok with this IN THEORY, reality is a whole other picture. If you have spent any time researching these boards, you will see that a partner who seems to be "ok" with the idea of poly is in no way "ok" with what actually winds up happening.

Having Locke stay with you two while pursuing the beginning of a romantic relationship is a horrible idea. Chief has nowhere safe to go when he's dealing with his insecurities. Even is he IS ok with poly, rubbing it in his face right out of the gate is not kind.

You say this isn't a crush, and you may be right. However, you have completely idealized your potential relationship with Locke, which is natural. To say you are just as in love with his as you are with your husband is disingenuous at best. This is a whole lot of NRE (new relationship energy) talking.

You have a bit of time before October to tweak your plan a bit. I suggest you do so.

 

[Tinwen]

Having Locke stay with you two while pursuing the beginning of a romantic relationship is a horrible idea. Chief has nowhere safe to go when he's dealing with his insecurities. Even is he IS ok with poly, rubbing it in his face right out of the gate is not kind.

Ah, important point I missed. Very true (well unless you have a huge house... but even then...).

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

I wish this whole thing wasn't so complicated, but I won't just sit back and not let it happen. I love him and want to give it a shot. If it doesn't work, I can live with that. But to pass it off entirely... I don't want to make that choice.

Still doesn't have to be pursued AT THIS TIME. It could be a "regular visit time" rather than a "date experiment time" and let the experiment happen later. Going slower means you all have more time to read and think things out.

Or you could pursue at this time, but not with HOSTING. If you are sure you want to start the date experiment in October, then at least change part of the plan.

Could ask Locke to stay elsewhere like a hotel. You and Chief stay home. You get together when planned but you all have separate living spaces. Then if you, Locke, or Chief need some space apart or alone it can happen. When you are all in the living same space, it's harder. For instance...

• What if Chief feels weird even though he says it is ok? He has nowhere to go. It's all unfolding in his home.
  
• What if Locke feels weird, esp with that "the third wheel" thing or the "tacked on to you and Chief's marriage" thing? He will be watching you and Chief interact in the home and even if his third wheel thing gets triggered he might be stuck with "guest face" since you two are hosting him. Seeing you/dating you in a hotel environment may allow less pressure/stress so the actual dates can be relaxed and not "on edge."
  
• What if YOU feel weird? Unable to get to know Locke in a new context because Chief is around and you feel inhibited or "disloyal?"
  
• What if it becomes a mess? And all get grumpy? But you still have "hosting duties" on the clock because he's not due to leave yet? Then you are stuck with "host face."

If you are going to pursue at this time, could consider changing that part of the plan.

Galagirl