A little help if you can

T

tooschoolforcool

Member
Hi,

New to this site. I'm looking for some advice, personal experience from others on navigating conflicting feelings around compersion and jealousy.
I'm dating a guy. A great guy. Open, honest and all 'round kind. His wife and I are very similar (in personality, not looks, where we couldn't be more different). I adore her and she me, though our relationship never has been and never will be "romantic."

The dynamic in our little relationship is healthy, and for the first time in my life, compersion feels natural, unforced by ethics and generally wonderful.

Over the last 8ish months, however, I have started to notice concerning feelings of resentment, not towards her, not at all, but in some noticing pattens that are beginning to impact upon my relationship with my partner.

We share a great many ideals concerning how we practice poly. We don't believe non-hierarchical poly is something either of us can really get on board with, in so much as we feel each relationship is always very much based on its own merits, not length of time, or any other arbitrary factor.

My partner has frequently however made comments about his wife being his priority, and prior to us becoming as close as we have, I accepted that as going without saying.

That being said, every time I reach out for connection that priority is highlighted in statements or considerations; e.g., I'll suggest an activity/time together, and without fail receive, "I will check with x in case there's anything she'd rather have me do with her first. But that should be fine," or, "I'll ask x and see if she wants to do that with us."

Initially I viewed this obvious consideration for her comfort, needs, and wants as a huge green flag. However, more recently I've noticed it's so frequently the main consideration I find myself feeling like mine and our relationship are a secondary consideration all the time.

I have never been the sort to assume anyone's time or attention, but how do I navigate the hurt that comes from our relationship always appearing to be secondary in his eyes? For clarity we've been dating for years and this has only started bothering me fairly recently, by comparison.

Am I being unfair to want to be prioritised sometimes? I didn't think so. I think that's a fairly natural human need in a relationship. But with how great everything is, it has me feeling nuts.

Help!
 
To clarify when I say non-hierarchical poly isn't something we can get on board with, I mean we feel that sometimes you're just closer with one person than others, and that not every partner can always be equally important regardless. So we accept that sometimes you will just enjoy one partner's company over another's, and that not every relationship is equally important or invested in. In fact, we feel that to deny that is a little impractical (just as we feel denying jealousy as a valid emotion is impractical). We do not however fall under the impression that having a "primary partner" is necessary to healthy poly (good God, no! I'm solo poly for life!), which may be the deeper reasoning behind my own discomfort surrounding "prioritisation." So, non-hierarchical, but respecting the differences in commitment being fluid, I suppose.

Sheesh, that's hard to articulate!
 
Every time I reach out for connection, that priority is highlighted in statements or considerations; e.g., I'll suggest an activity/time together, and without fail receive, "I will check with x in case there's anything she'd rather have me do with her first. But that should be fine," or, "I'll ask x and see if she wants to do that with us."
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Personally, I'd find that tedious AF.

For clarity we've been dating for years and this has only started bothering me fairly recently by comparison.
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It sounds like you're outgrowing this relationship dynamic. Perhaps it's time to deescalate with him. Shift to a model that's going to serve your new needs better.

Am I being unfair to want to be prioritised sometimes?
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Definitely not. But he doesn't sound like someone who can do this.
 
Of course, you could bring this up with him, see if he (and she) are willing to cut his metaphorical apron strings enough that he doesn't feel like he has to take her into that level of consideration every time you ask him to do things with you. But if this is the ways they've been doing poly for years, they may be utterly content with their dynamic.

How has this been sustainable for so long? Do you have a regular date day/night where he doesn't feel beholden to checking with her?
 
Hello tooschoolforcool,
Here's some jealousy links that might help:
Sometimes we get jealous because we're not being treated right, or our needs are being neglected. The guy you're dating shouldn't put his wife above you; yes he has been with her longer, but you and he have gotten very close and he should consider that. You shouldn't have to have him check with his wife every time you ask to do something with him. It's not up to his wife, it's up to him. Does she know he's using her as a gatekeeper?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Evie said:
Of course, you could bring this up with him, see if he (and she) are willing to cut his metaphorical apron strings enough that he doesn't feel like he has to take her into that level of consideration every time you ask him to do things with you. But if this is the ways they've been doing poly for years, they may be utterly content with their dynamic.

How has this been sustainable for so long? Do you have a regular date day/night where he doesn't feel beholden to checking with her?
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It has been sustainable, I think, because I genuinely do not feel insecure that he adores his wife, and that she and I are sooooo close, and because it's been the healthiest poly I've ever had the good fortune to wind up in, with almost identical values shared between the three of us. Where it doesn't (or is starting not to) is in becoming increasingly aware that our relationship is very rarely prioritised.

She's not making him prioritise their relationship, just for context. Its very much HIS default. Nor do I begrudge her being a priority to him at all. Just, it'd be nice if it wasn't ALL the time. I've practiced poly forevvvver (not always well, or healthily, but am now finally in a place where I know what I will and will not tolerate). My partner and meta by comparison are fairly new to it (5 years or so).

We don't have date days/nights set in stone (life very much gets in the way for us both, myself particularly) but we do spend time with one another regularly.

Everything but this small recent niggle is brilliant and I'm very very happy. I would normally talk to him about things he is doing /not doing which leave me uncomfortable, but this? I dunno. I have a real aversion to bringing up my partner's other relationships in any way that might influence them (unless, you know, they are abusive, or whatnot, or I need space from a meta I cannot get along with, etc.).

I hope I'm making sense, as I'm finding articulating this all so difficult.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello tooschoolforcool,
Here's some jealousy links that might help:
Sometimes we get jealous because we're not being treated right, or our needs are being neglected. The guy you're dating shouldn't put his wife above you; yes he has been with her longer, but you and he have gotten very close and he should consider that. You shouldn't have to have him check with his wife every time you ask to do something with him. It's not up to his wife, it's up to him. Does she know he's using her as a gatekeeper?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
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She does not, I don't think. This is genuinely a him thing. His default. Not something she's ever expressed she needs or wants. I think he would be surprised to learn how deep the conversations we have get at times. It's like he's wanting to be seen to be doing the "right thing," but for no audience. 😕 it's all a bit confusing.
 
I don't blame you for being confused. She does not need him to do this, yet he does it anyway. I think maybe he doesn't realize that this is hurtful behavior towards you. You need him to prioritize you too sometimes.
 
Yeah. It's just working out how to best communicate that. I can't know for sure, but I think if I mention it, he might get stuck on all the things he does that prove he does think our relationship is important (and he does so much that shows me he does), and therefore almost invalidate my feelings without meaning to. The thing is, I'm not worried the relationship isn't important to him. I know it is. I'm worried it'll never be a priority, and I don't know if he will be able to see the difference in that mindset.
 
I suppose the thing to do is to explain to him that this is how you feel, and that you need him to validate your feelings. Sure you are important to him; you know that; but are you a priority? Will you ever be a priority? This is the question you need him to address.
 
Hmmm. A thought just popped into my head. Can I ask? What is your opinion on "coming out" as poly to family? Mine was honesty is the best policy, and honestly, that's made my life so much easier and less stressful. Besides, if I hadn't, my mother would have brained me by now for being a cheater. lol

How would you approach things knowing your partner sees no value or need (frightened?) to tell their family that they are poly, but are quite happy to be very open about it with friends and work colleagues, etc.?
 
I am in favor of coming out to family; however, one must respect one's partners' feelings on the matter and in my case, Brother-Husband and Snowbunny are both afraid that their families would disown them if they knew. So for now, we remain in the closet. The same goes for friends and coworkers. We do have one friend and one relative who knows. They are very accepting about it, and know how to keep a secret.
 
I get that. It's never an easy conversation to have. Even if you have other members of your family openly poly and accepted, it's different when it's you coming out. I do struggle with feeling like a secret, though. But that is my emotion to manage. Just thought I'd ask, given I don't have a network of like-minded support, so it's always nice to hear it from someone that "gets" it.
 
My husband, Adam, isn't out to his family. He is pretty sure his mother would be very judgemental and make life extremely difficult. I'm out to my parents, though, and they've met my other partner, Puck, this year.

So I'm in favour of being out, unless there's a real risk of being disowned. So I also am careful with my social media. Adam has other places where he isn't out, and we're going to have to navigate that when we are all living in the same city.
 
In concept, I am in favor of being 'out' with a sensitivity to certain individuals. For example, I have an aging parent in poor health who would not understand easily, and I cannot see a real benefit. I also take a defensive stance where the knowledge could be dangerous in particular hands. With these exceptions in mind, I am using opportunities that arise in casual conversation to normalize my ideas and directions in terms of poly and other less-than common aspects of who I am. These conversations are reserved for those that are important enough to me and/or strong enough to hear them.

As far as social media and public information, I hold most of that as close to the vest as possible anyway. That's not a poly or a lifestyle choice. It is a privacy choice.

Over the next little while, I plan to have all of these nuances settled in my life considering that the reward of being oneself is quite deep. Plus, being honest is a great filter for those you might not want around anyways.
 
I would normally talk to him about things he is doing /not doing which leave me uncomfortable, but this? I dunno. I have a real aversion to bringing up my partners other relationships in any way that might influence them (unless, you know, they are abusive or whatnot, or I need space from a meta I cannot get along with, etc.).
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It certainly doesn't sound like you have any issue with their relationship, so bringing it up would not be about that. You could approach it as exactly what it is - his default behaviour - which after 5 years I would have thought he would have outgrown. If you're worried he's going to deflect into all the things he DOES do, then you have the ability to have a response prepared, like, "I agree, but that's not what this conversation is about. It is about your default response when we are making plans. I know she doesn't need that from you, so can you work on just saying yes or no to me without the qualifiers?"

Is it possible he's scapegoating her when he is simply out of energy for a date?

You said you know she doesn't want or need to be consulted, so I'm guessing they don't have childcare to plan around. Perhaps they made an agreement when they first opened up to check in with each other, for comfort, and if they haven't explicitly updated the agreement he's sticking to it like glue. Is this a conversation for the three of you to have together?
 
KND said:
In concept, I am in favor of being 'out' with a sensitivity to certain individuals. For example, I have an aging parent in poor health who would not understand easily, and I cannot see a real benefit. I also take a defensive stance where the knowledge could be dangerous in particular hands. With these exceptions in mind, I am using opportunities that arise in casual conversation to normalize my ideas and directions in terms of poly and other less-than common aspects of who I am. These conversations are reserved for those that are important enough to me and/or strong enough to hear them.

As far as social media and public information, I hold most of that as close to the vest as possible anyway. That's not a poly or a lifestyle choice. It is a privacy choice.

Over the next little while, I plan to have all of these nuances settled in my life considering that the reward of being oneself is quite deep. Plus, being honest is a great filter for those you might not want around anyways.
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I think that's kind of where I'm at. "Those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter" sorta deal...
 
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Evie said:
It certainly doesn't sound like you have any issue with their relationship, so bringing it up would not be about that. You could approach it as exactly what it is - his default behaviour - which after 5 years I would have thought he would have outgrown. If you're worried he's going to deflect into all the things he DOES do, then you have the ability to have a response prepared, like, "I agree, but that's not what this conversation is about. It is about your default response when we are making plans. I know she doesn't need that from you, so can you work on just saying yes or no to me without the qualifiers?"

Is it possible he's scapegoating her when he is simply out of energy for a date?

You said you know she doesn't want or need to be consulted, so I'm guessing they don't have childcare to plan around. Perhaps they made an agreement when they first opened up to check in with each other, for comfort, and if they haven't explicitly updated the agreement he's sticking to it like glue. Is this a conversation for the three of you to have together?
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I think that's where it gets confusing for me. I would say he's maybe scapegoating because he doesn't have energy for a "date," if it happened sometimes, not all the time, or if he wasn't far more likely to just say, "Sorry, I just don't have the energy right now," which he is. He is very much a person who doesn't do something he doesn't want to do without feeling the need for excuses, which is great.

I know when they first opened their marriage, it came after many years of discussion and trial and error around agreements. (At one point, don't-ask-don't-tell one-night stands was a genuine way forward, or so they naively thought.) Oddly, it was through my oblivious education around poly as nothing more than a friend (I genuinely was not interested in him that way for yeeeears) that resulted in them reaching a far healthier place with it. It IS possible he is so worried about her deciding she's uncomfortable and trying to close things off again, that he is sticking to an original agreement, that I know nothing about, and she has forgotten about, like glue.

Unfortunately, it's not a conversation we can all have together. His wife feels comfortable talking about some stuff with me, but not him, and he is the same. Predominantly though, they both get understandably twitchy if it comes across even slightly as though I'm having opinions on their relationship and how it works, even if that's not my intent.
 
Sounds like you are looking for a way to phrase this conversation with regards to how *your* relationship works rather than how *their* relationship works, but in this issue, it's directly related to how their relationship works.

Could you start with inquiring of him why he always checks with her before making plans with you? Aim to develop an understanding of his motivation (and perhaps he'll say it is an old agreement) and then express how it is coming across to you and consequently how you feel about this rather excessive nod to hierarchy.
 
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