A little help if you can

Well, it looks like you had a bit of a eureka moment, but I want to ask more about him "prioritizing" you.

(I'm going to call your partner and his wife Tom and Sally, just for ease of writing.)

I've been in one of my relationships for 16 years and the other for 4. (See my sig line.) We are non-hierarchical, despite my longer association with Pixi. That has nothing to do with "checking in" with either partner before making plans with the other one.

We do have a loose structure/schedule, but it varies a lot, depending on events, so we have to get the calendars out and rejigger things a lot. I check with both my partners, Pixi checks with Malachi, Aries checks with Sadie. No one feels more or less "prioritized" by us doing this. It's just a matter of not wanting to double-book anyone, or make anyone feel like they aren't getting enough time with either partner. It's just common sense, even in egalitarian poly, to run a tight ship, calendar-wise.

But is that your only problem? The checking of the calendar, so to speak?

A red flag I saw was when you said you'd suggest an activity for you and "Tom" to do, and he'd respond with, "I'll ask 'Sally' if she wants to join us." Umm... what?? You, tooschool, want a one-on-one date with Tom, but you bow down to him asking Sally to join you too? Why would you do that?

Is this one way you feel like your needs are not being met?

Are there other ways you dislike feeling like a secondary, like you're "less than," after so many years?

Is Tom your only partner, despite you being "solo poly"? Do you wish you had another partner who put your needs first, or at least higher?
 
Magdlyn said:
Well, it looks like you had a bit of a eureka moment, but I want to ask more about him "prioritizing" you.

(I'm going to call your partner and his wife Tom and Sally, just for ease of writing.)

I've been in one of my relationships for 16 years and the other for 4. (See my sig line.) We are non-hierarchical, despite my longer association with Pixi. That has nothing to do with "checking in" with either partner before making plans with the other one.

We do have a loose structure/schedule, but it varies a lot, depending on events, so we have to get the calendars out and rejigger things a lot. I check with both my partners, Pixi checks with Malachi, Aries checks with Sadie. No one feels more or less "prioritized" by us doing this. It's just a matter of not wanting to double-book anyone, or make anyone feel like they aren't getting enough time with either partner. It's just common sense, even in egalitarian poly, to run a tight ship, calendar-wise.

But is that your only problem? The checking of the calendar, so to speak?

A red flag I saw was when you said you'd suggest an activity for you and "Tom" to do, and he'd respond with, "I'll ask 'Sally' if she wants to join us." Umm... what?? You, tooschool, want a one-on-one date with Tom, but you bow down to him asking Sally to join you too? Why would you do that?

Is this one way you feel like your needs are not being met?

Are there other ways you dislike feeling like a secondary, like you're "less than," after so many years?

Is Tom your only partner, despite you being "solo poly"? Do you wish you had another partner who put your needs first, or at least higher?
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So, to clarify, it's not a checking the calendar thing. It's a "I will check if she needs me first, is okay with me spending time with you, before I answer" thing. This is becoming painful to hear EVERY time I suggest some quality time for us and our relationship.

I've no issue with spending time with both of them. I adore her and we have the best time when we do. But I do take issue when he assumes that when I ask him to spend time with me, that it's absolutely cool if she joins in. Not only does that necessitate reducing our time together (because she won't stay over anyway and needs driven home), I do not like being put in the position of having to clarify that that was never the offer. It makes me feel horrifically cruel. Selfish.

I have 2 other partners (those relationships have their own issues that mean I am drawing them to an end), but it's not like I feel I could just replace the lack of prioritisation by having a relationship with someone who can prioritise me and that relationship. The issues would still be present in this one.

One other thing that makes me feel secondary is in his using his wife's discomfort about coming out as poly as the reasoning behind keeping me a secret from his family. For context, I am close enough to his wife to know she has not felt bothered at all about coming out to his family for some time now.

He also has family who are openly poly, and has always been accepted by them. So I feel a little like a dirty secret... which is perhaps dramatic, but it niggles. I don't like the implication that he could be ashamed of me or of us, though he maintains this is for his wife's comfort... not his. Regardless of whether it's for her comfort, or his. Knowing however that I feel uncomfortable to be hidden, and continuing to do this, merely reiterates to me that my needs, and the health of our relationship, are indeed, secondary to him.

I hope this makes sense. I should also probably say that whilst this all probably seems terribly unfair of him, in every other aspect he really puts in the work. He is always present, always loving, kind, patient, honest and really great fun.
 
Okay. I am going to set aside the specific issue of "coming out." This has to be addressed by every single poly, queer, swinger, kinky person on the planet. It has probably been talked over 100s of times here. We all have our reasons for coming out, to this or that person, or not.

You can search "coming out" in our search bar for more ways to approach this problem.

Your main issue is not wanting to be or feel like a secondary. To have my partner tell me, when I ask him on a date, that he will make sure his OSO gets first dibs on his time, would make me livid!

Fuck that shit.

It makes me too angry to even talk about it, so I'll just recommend this, The Secondary's Bill of Rights.


Check that out and see if helps to clarify and give you some ideas on how to communicate your feelings and desires without feeling "horrifically cruel and selfish."
 
I'll take a look. I think at the end of the day, I need to be a bit more blunt about how I feel, and less worried that I'm being overly sensitive or not understanding enough. I feel how I feel, and he can either address that, or he can't, and if he can't, then I have a decision to make.
 
Magdlyn said:
It makes me too angry to even talk about it, so I'll just recommend this, The Secondary's Bill of Right
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Also, I apologise. I did not mean to put anyone in a place where they might feel angry about any of this subject, and I am sorry that I have. I've read the attached file and it has been immeasurably helpful to my understanding of my own underlying hurt, as well as providing me with the distance needed to approach it all far more objectively. Thank you for taking the time to help me out.
 
tooschoolforcool said:
Also, I apologise. I did not mean to put anyone in a place where they might feel angry about any of this subject, and I am sorry that I have. I've read the attached file and it has been immeasurably helpful to my understanding of my own underlying hurt, as well as providing me with the distance needed to approach it all far more objectively. Thank you for taking the time to help me out.
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Oh, there's no need to apologize at all. I was angry for you, the disrespect he shows you in putting you so very low on the totem pole. You can see what I mean in the article. I am very glad you read it and got something out of it.

My feelings are mine to deal with. This is an important point for relationships. We have every right to assert ourselves and state our needs and desires. Maybe as children, if we had difficult authority people, we learned to "pre-manage" their feelings, just to keep ourselves safe. This fawning is not necessary as an adult. It leads to unhappiness and not living an authentic life. Allow people to have their own feelings and learn to manage them in healthy ways, themselves.
 
Well. We sat. We talked. And my worries about things were taken on board. He understands the miscommunication, and that his "need to check in with my wife in case she needs me first" constantly was hurtful, and actually, just habitual for him, a spill over from days of their earlier agreements. So in summary, we spoke, we confirmed we're on the same poly path (which was really my main concern, tbf, that we had incompatible ideals around hierarchy/consideration).

He also agreed that involving his wife and me in any shared date-esque time should be something he suggests specifically, rather than just railroading a self-labeled antisocial swamp witch when she's looking for him.

Just want to thank you all for your support and understanding, and helping me wrap my head around exactly what was bothering me and why. :)You guys are awesome.
 
"Antisocial swamp witch" hahahahaha. I love that she embraces that.

I'm glad the conversation was productive and you're going to be more on the same page in the future.
 
Evie said:
"Antisocial swamp witch" hahahahaha. I love that she embraces that.

I'm glad the conversation was productive and you're going to be more on the same page in the future.
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Oh haha, no. That's me, just how I identify, which I can recognise is odd, given... you know... being poly. lol
 
If he's got a wife, he's married, and that right there is a hierarchy. It might feel better to you if he owned and acknowledged that.

Some long-term couples do "we" talk, like they are some kind of CoupleBlob.

When you say:

I'll suggest an activity/time together, and without fail receive, "I will check with x in case there's anything she'd rather have me do with her first. But that should be fine," or, "I'll ask x and see if she wants to do that with us."
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... you are asking him on a date, not her.

And him talking like that? While it may be true he has to check logistics so he's not just dumping chores on her from the sky -- home chores, kid care, eldercare, pet care, etc., how he talk is annoying.

He could say, "Sounds fun! Can I get back to you on that on Friday?" That wording might hit different for you than, "I will check with x in case there's anything she'd rather have me do with her first. But that should be fine."

If she likes being his secretary? Great. Schedule his dental cleanings, his car oil change, his haircuts, whatever. But he is in charge of his dating calendar and he could "own it," in his language.

I think that's what might be bothering you. Could that be true?

For clarity, we've been dating for years, and this has only started bothering me fairly recently by comparison.
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It sounds like you want something more "co-primary" and less "primary-secondary," even though you may not have used that language to describe your relationship.

And definitely, less "CoupleBlob"/"we" talk.

I'll take a look. I think at the end of the day, I need to be a bit more blunt about how I feel, and less worried that I'm being overly sensitive or not understanding enough. I feel how I feel, and he can either address that, or he can't, and if he can't, then I have a decision to make.
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Or you could skip leading with feelings and just ask for specific behavior changes.

I mean, I know you have feelings — that’s not in question — but sometimes focusing on them can send the conversation off into side quests.

If you don’t like how he talks to you, ask him to change that.

You could say something like:

"Partner, when I ask you out on a date, I know you need time to check your schedule. But would you please change how you respond? Maybe say something like, 'Great! Let me check and get back to you. Would Friday work?' instead of, 'Great! Let me ask my wife if I can, or if she wanted us to do something first.' That phrasing makes it sound like I’m low on your priority list."

How he talks is not great for you, and honestly, it’s not great for her either — it kind of puts her in a mom role. I could see being annoyed by all that.

Galagirl
 
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Well. We sat. We talked and my worries about things were taken on board. He understands the miscommunication and that his "need to check in with my wife in case she needs me first" constantly was hurtful and actually just habitual for him, a spill over from days of their earlier agreements. So in summary we spoke, we confirmed we're on the same poly path (which was really my main concern tbf- that we had incompatibe ideals around hierarchy/ consideration).
Hes also agreed that involving his wife and I in any shared date-esque time, should be something he suggests specifically
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GOOD.

Glad you had the talk and the outcome was good.

Galagirl
 
tooschoolforcool said:
Oh haha, no. That's me lol just how I identify. Which i can recognise is odd given...you know... being poly lol
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Ahhh, upon the rereading I understood.

Absolutely love the expression though! And sometimes I think I'm poly because I don't like groups. I really enjoy individuals. Poly lets me collect individuals hahaha.
 
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