A newbie and an already established relationship-- please help

T

ToriLou

New member
Hi All!

I am brand new to this forum, as well as polyamory, and I am running into some difficult emotions regarding my new relationship. For context, this is the first healthy relationship I've been in in many, many years. Lex and I have been together for three months, and already feel so in love. Lex is also the first gender-queer person I've dated, which is feeling so validating and safe. I will be using they/them pronouns to refer to them, and I've changed their name to "Lex" for the sake of privacy.

The problem I am running into is that my partner is married. Lex and their partner (we will call her Em) got married before exploring polyamory together. Lex and Em began practicing polyamory a year or so after getting married. They live together and have separate rooms, but stay together if no other partners are over.

When Lex and I started dating, they were transparent about it all and let me know that they and Em agreed to try do what they can to not be hierarchal with their relationships, and that there shouldn't be a limit to what Lex and I can do together in OUR relationship, even though they are married to and live with Em.

As our relationship has progressed, I've begun having a harder time with this, though. Because Lex and Em are married, I feel that their relationship is more solidified than ours ever can be, and I'm sad that there are experiences my partner gets to have with Em that I may never have with them.

The biggest thing coming up for me right now though is about potential living situations down the line. Lex and Em have another bedroom in the basement of their house, and have said that they would love to have me move in later on if I felt comfortable, but I'm afraid the feeling of being secondary will be even more intense if the three of us were all sharing a space together.

I'm also concerned about logistics of who would be sleeping where and when, and how it would feel to not sleep next to Lex sometimes. We have also discussed me getting my own place nearby, and it kind of being a second home for Lex, as well as a space to bring my other potential future partners over.

All of these solutions just feel scary and a little painful, because Lex is the first person I've seen myself potentially being with for a very long time. I have never experienced living with a partner, making a home with someone, sharing pets and responsibilities. Those are things I find myself wanting with my new love. I am really sad that there actually does seem to be a limit to what we can do together, despite what they said when we started dating.

I have been considering polyamory for something like six years and this is my first venture into practicing it. I don't have any other partners right now, and it's honestly still weird to think about dating more people right now, maybe because it's all so new and I'm soooo deep in new relationship energy. I'm also having a hard time feeling the possibility of having multiple other partnerships as loving as my current one. I have never experienced it before, so I wonder if I just have some scarcity-mindset around that?

Anyway, this is soooo long, so I appreciate all who take the time to read this. I would love to hear advice and how others have navigated similar situations. I'm new to all of this, so there may be solutions I am not aware of yet that could ease some of the uncomfortable feelings.
 
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Hi, welcome to the board.

Mod note: would you please go back and add nicknames for your partner and their spouse? It really helps with clarity and ease of reading, and even moreso when using the pronouns they/them, to use actual names for the people you are involved with. Thanks!
 
Option 3...

You all buy a new house together, rather than you moving into theirs, or buying a nearby house that Lex does the 50/50 thing at. This way you get a lot of input into the interior design and you don't end up feeling like you're moving *in to* but rather moving *together with*.

But it sounds like it's so new that you're getting ahead of yourself slightly here. Are you borrowing trouble from the future? Why?

I'm also having a hard time feeling the possibility of having multiple other partnerships as loving as my current one.
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Dare I say this is a symptom of youth/inexperience? It's part of having being fed an endless diet of monogamous rhetoric growing up. Fall in and out of love a few times and you'll know there is always the possibility of finding yet another soulmate... There are many for everyone, not one.

Lastly, the appeal of not sleeping together every night grows with time. I know it's hard to imagine until you're living it, but having your own space to yourself is invaluable.
 
I agree with Evie. You've only been dating Lex for three months. You're deep in NRE. Everyone is on their best behavior for the first few months to a year. NRE fizzles over time, depending on one's personality and how often one sees one's new partner. Usually it's gone by two years in, unless you are very long distance.

How long distance are you from Lex? Do you visit often? Do they come to your place? Has this couple moved one of their partners into their basement room before?

If I were going to move into my partner's home, which they already shared with someone, I think I'd want my own suite or flat, with my own bathroom, a nice-sized living space and my own kitchen. I like to be free to walk around naked, and if I am not dating someone, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.

I've had my time of living with platonic roommates and I don't need to do that again.

Anyway, it's highly recommended you don't move in with a partner until you've been dating AT LEAST a year, preferably two. If you do move to their area in a year or so, yes, get your own place. Lex can come visit, but I don't think they get to automatically assume your place is also their place. And consider well if you want to pull up stakes, leave your job, friends, family just to be near your partner.

As for dating someone already in a long-term relationship, if they don't practice hierarchy, you can still build quite a solid important relationship with them, under defined circumstances. Them being out as poly to their families and friends helps a lot.
 
Magdlyn said:
I agree with Evie. You've only been dating Lex for three months. You're deep in NRE. Everyone is on their best behavior for the first few months to a year. NRE fizzles over time, depending on one's personality and how often one sees one's new partner. Usually it's gone by two years in, unless you are very long distance.

How long distance are you from Lex? Do you visit often? Do they come to your place? Has this couple moved one of their partners into their basement room before?

If I were going to move into my partner's home, which they already shared with someone, I think I'd want my own suite or flat, with my own bathroom, a nice-sized living space and my own kitchen. I like to be free to walk around naked, and if I am not dating someone, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.

I've had my time of living with platonic roommates and I don't need to do that again.

Anyway, it's highly recommended you don't move in with a partner until you've been dating AT LEAST a year, preferably two. If you do move to their area in a year or so, yes, get your own place. Lex can come visit, but I don't think they get to automatically assume your place is also their place. And consider well if you want to pull up stakes, leave your job, friends, family just to be near your partner.

As for dating someone already in a long-term relationship, if they don't practice hierarchy, you can still build quite a solid important relationship with them, under defined circumstances. Them being out as poly to their families and friends helps a lot.
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Thank you so much for your perspectives. Lex and their partner only live about 1.5 hours away, so we are able to see each other at least once a week, and I have stayed the night at their place several times (which has ultimately gone very well, but can be challenging sometimes).

Lex and Em currently have a roommate in the basement room that will be moving out in May, so we are looking at it as a possibility rather than a plan, at the moment. They expressed that if I move in and it doesn't feel like the right fit, I can move back out. (I currently live with my parents and would have a secure place to come back to without much disruption.) We can figure something else out.

I think I am looking at living situations as a possible way to manage some of the feelings that have been coming up for me. I struggle when there are times when I am sick or just otherwise need support, but Lex is not able to be here for me physically due to logistics. But they are able to be there for Em in those situations, because they live together. There have been moments where I've felt pretty isolated and sad about that. Perhaps there's more I need to process about that instead of trying to be closer to mitigate those feelings right away?

I appreciate what you said about time and recognizing that I am deep in NRE. I don't think giving things more time is ever a bad thing 😅especially for relationships that are so new in so many ways.

Thank you again. It's nice to know I am not alone.
 
Evie said:
Option 3...

You all buy a new house together, rather than you moving into theirs, or buying a nearby house that Lex does the 50/50 thing at. This way you get a lot of input into the interior design and you don't end up feeling like you're moving *in to* but rather moving *together with*.

But it sounds like it's so new that you're getting ahead of yourself slightly here. Are you borrowing trouble from the future? Why?


Dare I say this is a symptom of youth/inexperience? It's part of having being fed an endless diet of monogamous rhetoric growing up. Fall in and out of love a few times and you'll know there is always the possibility of finding yet another soulmate... There are many for everyone, not one.

Lastly, the appeal of not sleeping together every night grows with time. I know it's hard to imagine until you're living it, but having your own space to yourself is invaluable.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for your reply. I am feeling a lottt of ease just from reading your words. I love the potential third living option too. I think I will eventually bring it up and put the feelers out for how that would feel to everyone. Lex and Em have even talked about moving soon anyway, once Lex graduates college at the end of the semester.

Thank you so much for your reflection and pointing out how monogamous rhetoric could be playing a role. I feel like this is helping me find some more clarity.
 
Hello ToriLou,

I am sorry that you are experiencing some FOMO, I don't blame you for feeling sad about Lex and Em being married. I'm sure you would like to be married to Lex, but that dream is off the table. I would not advise you to break up with Lex, because you and Lex are perfect for each other in every way, other than this one little thing. But I'm sorry that Em is in the picture. I don't mean that Em is a bad person in any way, just that it hurts you to have Lex be married to someone else instead of you.

You do not have to live at Em's and Lex's house. That is totally up to you. You seem to be concerned that living with them might train a spotlight on the contrast between you and Lex versus Em and Lex. That is a perfectly valid concern. Also, you have only been dating Lex for three months, so it is probably too soon to start thinking about things like living together. People can get on each other's nerves when they live together, and what if you and Lex don't last? Then you'd be stuck without a place to live, a place you can call your own.

You are still new to poly, and need to give yourself some time to get used to it. I encourage you to keep reading and posting on this forum. You can learn a lot about poly here. Also, read books and listen to podcasts on poly. Opening Up (by Tristan Taormino) and Multiamory (the podcast) are good first choices. Learning more about poly will help you be more comfortable with it, and with the idea of dating more than one partner. Right now you just have Lex, and it feels right to you, because in monogamy you wouldn't have a second partner.

Give yourself some time to figure things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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