A Struggling Mono Reflection

navigatingnewwaters said:
I think it is maybe more that I am jealous that he can have this wonderful stress free, deep relationship with someone else but has not had the capacity to have that with me due to life stress, lack of sex etc. I guess I was content to accept that was all he could offer, but I am discovering maybe that is all he can offer to me only, and so I am a bit hurt, maybe.

He has explained that is not what this is. And of course, new exciting relationships will look shiny and wonderful. And the whole idea of compersion is to be joyous and happy for this experience. So it may be just a case of me dealing with my jealousy, as I would not actually be losing anything.

Perhaps if we can work out the parental support a bit more, and he continues with his exploration, he might be able to be more 'present' here, as he will be happier and have more capacity to give to me because of it?
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Is that a trade-off you're willing to make? He gets to spend time with new partners while you get more help parenting? And you get more alone time?

Realistically, even with whatever extra help you bargain out of hubby, I'd be surprised if you have the energy, bandwidth or desire to date others anytime soon. Dating can feel like work, too, & you have a lot on your plate & you sound drained. At least you'd get some time for rest, self-care, maybe some friends or a hobby if you have them?

Maybe your partner will be more "present" with you if he's all happy from sex with other women. I find it more likely he'll be more distracted & energetically divided toggling between partners. NRE is a hell of a drug, & now he gets to go be with women who aren't mired down in childcare. What is he going to do when the other women start making demands on him, & he's got a wife with (his) sick child & a girlfriend(s) who needs emotional or physical support, too?

I have never, personally, felt the mythical compersion during any kind of parallel poly, only when I really cared a lot about BOTH the people involved & trusted them both implicitly. Compersion isn't likely when your own needs aren't getting met & you're watching your partner off in NRE over shiny new partner. Give yourself a break.
 
So it may be just a case of me dealing with my jealousy, as I would not actually be losing anything.
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You are losing monogamy and peace of mind. Compersion is not a requirement in polyamory. And yes, NRE is a thing, but if he's not also putting energy into the established relationship with you, he's being a poor hinge.


Perhaps if we can work out the parental support a bit more, and he continues with his exploration, he might be able to be more 'present' here, as he will be happier and have more capacity to give to me because of it?
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I think you could work all that out with the counselor.

Galagirl
 
I don't think you're jealous, so much as envious. You want those nice quiet, child-free dates. You want to feel less stressed out, burnt-out, and maybe have your libido come back so you can enjoy a happy sex life!

My ex-husband began dating another woman when our younger daughter was in her late teens and struggling with borderline personality disorder very badly. She was self-harming, was using substances to excess, was bulimic. I did end up asking him to slow down on the dating, and go to "just friends" with his gf, since she was getting all the fun wining and dining, and sex. They were reading poetry to each other in bookstores while I was stuck at home with a houseful of pets and kids.

Our daughter didn't get her shit at all together until she was 25. But in the meantime, my ex and I went back to monogamy, and we did start regularly consciously dating each other, taking little trips, going to concerts, having adventures, having more sex. We ended up splitting up in the end, however (for various reasons), and then he began a full relationship with his gf. He wasn't actually poly. He fell out of love with me when he fell in love with her. This wasn't obvious at first.

I however, am poly, and went on to enjoy that lovestyle very much.
 
You are losing monogamy and peace of mind. Compersion is not a requirement in polyamory. And yes, NRE is a thing, but if he's not also putting energy into the established relationship with yo, he's being a poor hinge.

He is new to this so I think it is fair and compassionate to give him space to figure things out and work out his role as a hinge. He has really tried to put energy into us but for a really long time the energy has been put into trying to improve the sex and me trying and failing (that is how it felt at the time) to do so. We both explored the idea of responsive desire and we just needed to try to have more sex and I would get into it but I just wasn't finding it enjoyable some of which was perceived pressure (which I think was me not him). After lots of discussions I think is kind of getting that we might need to rebuild more slowly but we have a bit of a 'for me I need connection to have sex' and 'for him he needs sex to have connection' dynamic.

I don't think you're jealous, so much as envious. You want those nice quiet, child-free dates. You want to feel less stressed out, burnt-out, and maybe have your libido come back so you can enjoy a happy sex life!

I think you are right. I think that before we had kids, the time he needed away was fine, as I could get on and do things for myself, and enjoy the same level of freedom. When we had the kids, his freedom continued, and it was hard at times, but I valued the time with the kids and the time as a family, and accepted that it was simply a life change, and the level of freedom I had was changed. I think as the kids were growing up, I had a sense of 'my time will come,' and then I had a tiny taste when our youngest turned 14 and I felt that I could actually leave the house without arranging back-up. But then she got sick and I was plunged back into the caregiver role, just as my husband was discovering polyamory.
 
Realistically, even with whatever extra help you bargain out of hubby, I'd be surprised if you have the energy, bandwidth or desire to date others anytime soon. Dating can feel like work, too, & you have a lot on your plate & you sound drained. At least you'd get some time for rest, self-care, maybe some friends or a hobby if you have them?

I don't have any desire to date anyone other than Gee, and dating him can be logistically tricky. Even if I wanted to, or had capacity to, I don't think throwing this into the mix would be a good plan. I don't think we can ever be equal in the amount of 'time off' we get, and I don't think that is what I need-- just maybe him here a little more, helping out, even if I don't actually go anywhere and do anything.
 
Hmm... a new development to negotiate. Gee has been a bit distant and moody over the last couple of days. I assumed it was the turmoil between us, and was feeling compassion and empathy, as I was almost certainly displaying my emotions with my behavior, as well.

This morning he revealed that a new relationship he has been pursuing hit a snag. I knew about this relationship and I also knew that she (I will call her Hannah for the sake of ease) had clearly said to Gee that she was not wanting a sexual relationship.

He had talked to her wanting to pursue the friendship, and was still holding out hope that it would become sexual. It seems he made a move on her on Saturday that she wasn't comfortable with, and she told him that she had felt icky about it. He is now nursing his wounds of rejection and that is why he has been distant and moody.

I feel like he is now taking this out on me. I kind of feel like I have enough to deal with. Part of me is annoyed that I feel he didn't respect her boundaries, or at least didn't respect/accept that overstepping them was on him, and that her reaction was expected and acceptable. Another part is a bit annoyed that I now have a somewhat hurt, sulky man that would like support and compassion from me while we also navigate our own pathway. A third part of me recognises that he is feeling hurt and rejected, and will be super-sensitive to this due to our situation, and I do have some compassion and empathy...

How do you navigate supporting a partner with fallout from other relationships, as well as your own?
 
FWIW, I think this:

I feel like he is now taking this out on me. I kind of feel like I have enough to deal with.
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Yup, you do.

Part of me is annoyed that I feel he didn't respect her boundaries, or at least didn't respect/accept that overstepping them was on him, and that her reaction was expected and acceptable,
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Yup. She was clear about her boundary. He overstepped. She rebuffed. Who is surprised?

Another part is a bit annoyed that I now have a somewhat hurt, sulky man that would like support and compassion from me while we also navigate our own pathway.
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You could DECLINE. Just because he wants you to comfort him, doesn't mean you have to. I think he could deal with it on his own and NOT be looking at you to be his comfort person.

If she only wanted friends, and he wanted dating/sex, he could have broken up nicely with her, instead of being fresh and trying to get sex out of her, DESPITE her stating her limit clearly.


A third part of me recognises he is feeling hurt and rejected, and will be super-sensitive to this due to our situation and I do have some compassion and empathy.
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I wouldn't. I think you are TOO nice to him, sometimes.

None of this would have happened if he didn't get fresh with people trying to push past their boundaries.

How do you navigate supporting a partner with fallout from other relationships, as well as your own?
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You learn that you do NOT have to support everything. You expect him to deal with his other relationships himself, especially this kind of thing, which is just the natural consequence of his own actions. He got fresh, she rebuffed. If he's sitting around feeling bad about it, and if he doesn't want to feel bad like that again, he could learn to not to be fresh to people in the first place, and exercise some self control. That's not something you can do FOR him. He has to learn it himself.

Galagirl
 
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Glad it helps you some.

On thinking over this some, I started wondering this: If he's being fresh to her, is that his usual way of going, not listening and not respecting people's limits?

We both explored the idea of responsive desire, and we just needed to try to have more sex, and I would get into it. But I just wasn't finding it enjoyable, some of which was from perceived pressure (which I think was me, not him).
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I wonder about the sexual pressure. You wrote like maybe it was you, but in light of this behavior, I wonder if he WAS pressuring you for more than you wanted to give?

If he goes around acting like people are just supposed to give him sex when he wants, regardless of how they themselves feel about it, that's a huge problem. It's not okay to behave like that to people. :(

GG
 
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Um... my session with my counsellor yesterday has me whirling about some of this, as I am now wondering the same thing. Maybe it was not perceived pressure.

But I am still unpacking it all, and freaking out a little, to be honest.
 
Understandable. You might be seeing him in a whole other light. Someone you love treating you in less than loving ways and being fresh to other people... that's going to take a bit to digest.

I'm glad you have a counselor to help you though.

GG
 
Yep, that's largely why we often say the old relationship dies and a new one gets constructed.
 
I'm struggling to reconcile what I thought the relationship was and what it might be. It is like a family member dying and then discovering they may not have been who you thought they were at all. It doesn't take away the love, care, or shared experiences, but maybe puts them into a new light. I am even less sure about what will be constructed, as a result.
 
Remember, that reconstruction can be a slow process, there's no actual urgency to make the new normal come about asap. Take time to get to know each other again. Maybe fall in love all over again. Maybe fall in love with yourself, too.
 
That is good advice. I am trying to grapple with whether some of what happened was actually harmful, and if so, how harmful, and is it something we can recover from?

Harm comes in different degrees. To some extent, we are human, so we will harm ourselves and those we love in little and big ways over time. I guess the crux comes in recognising our role in harm and actively owning it, learning from it and growing new ways of being. Maybe and hopefully, if we can both do that growth, we can indeed fall in love again.

What I wonder is: can we do it with polyamory in the mix? I think and hope so, because I have discovered that while I might have wobbles of insecurity about other partners, it is actually the dynamics between us that is giving me the real wobbles, as I am starting to see them through a new (not necessarily more accurate) lens.
 
So, he wasn't a great partner to you when you were monogamous, and he definitely wasn't a good partner to the woman who broke it off with him. What makes you think he's going to be good at polyamory, moving forward?
 
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LoveBunny said:
So, he wasn't a great partner to you when you were monogamous, and he definitely wasn't a good partner to the woman who broke it off with him. What makes you think he's going to be good at polyamory, moving forward?
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Food for thought. I think we are in a stage of self-discovery for us both. I think we both had roles to play in our existing relationship that I am really just starting to understand. I am not sure polyamory is the best way forward right now, as I think there is a lot of personal growth to be done on both sides before we can truly offer what we need to to each other. (Or not. Perhaps parting is still the best way forward.)

I guess in a lot of ways I have learnt that it is not just adjusting from a monogamous relationship to polyamory that is my biggest challenge.

For him, I think he still believes and identifies with loving and being sexually attracted to more than one person. I think that I can grow to accept and perhaps embrace that, over time, while still believing and identifying with monogamy for myself. No matter what relationship structure we are both ultimately after, we need to put the work into ourselves. I need to figure out if I can do that with him by my side, or if I need to do it on my own.

I don't think he can see the full picture of his role in things, but I am not sure I can say that yet of myself either. I am considering if the healthiest option while I take time to examine my shit is to not be in a relationship at all, and only come back to it (this relationship or another) when I have a clearer understanding of how and who I am.
 
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