a VERY overdue update

Photosynthesis

New member
I disappeared for quite a bit there, here's my original thread https://polyamory.com/threads/serio...rt-the-conversation.116169/page-2#post-422053

So long that I had to split into two parts. the TLDR is at the bottom of part 2.

So yeah, things are pretty great. It was pretty hard to get here, but now I'm here, and it's awesome.

For those who followed along with the original thread:
Yes, we did go on the trip.
Nothing ever happened with Boston.
I am still very much with Jake and we’re very close. Quite awesomely actually.
A … couple … of other things have happened.

So, winding back a long time now, around May 2019, things were pretty dire. My mental state was crap. My feelings for Boston were strong, but I was aware that ideas of a relationship were unrealistic. There may have been a chance he did like me. But, not having that context of poly, looking at my close relationship with Jake, he wouldn't have wanted to be a 'homewrecker' and would never do anything underhanded, so everything was left entirely unsaid. Or, maybe there was nothing there. I'll never know.

Whatever the case, I knew if I wanted to tell Boston how I felt, I absolutely had to talk to Jake first. I was extremely stressed about it. And I was leaving it too late.

Boston met someone.

She (lets call her Lauren) was interested in him, and he was trying to work out if he was interested in her. It was a sort of a now or never situation if I was going to tell him how I felt.

So I talked to Jake. About poly. We talked for a long time about it. He was interested, thought about it, but was wary. That is to say, he wasn't super keen.

So the next day, I let it sink in for myself and let myself accept that nothing would ever happen with Boston. I'd already figured that although I knew I wanted poly, I wanted Jake more. So at work, I sent him a message saying as much. I asked for two things - a clear answer that he didn't want to do poly, ever, so that I could get that out of my head, and for support to help me through feelings. (In the end he couldn't really give me either.) But the message made him think - help me through what?

A day or so later, on a Friday, he asked if I already liked someone and I said yes and it was Boston and he freaked. He was really distressed. I gave him all the reassurance I could. Nothing had ever happened, nothing was even said, it was only private feelings. The context of having previously described poly made it easier for him to understand that my feelings for him were not diminished in any way and I still wanted all the same things with him, and he did understand and believe that. Nevertheless he was very shaken up.

We were both very emotionally drained and it was a tense and strange weekend. We talked a lot, and gradually got better. I only had some weeks before I changed to my new job and wouldn't be seeing Boston on that regular basis. It was a strange time, and hard, but we ended up stronger for it.

But it was hard for me. For a long, long time I carried around this acute sadness and all these negative emotions, and I didn't have anyone to really talk to about them. Add to that the fact that before I started the new job, I was still seeing Boston regularly, and at this point he was talking to me about Lauren, and here I was being a supportive friend and helping him get over his insecurities to pursue a relationship with her, saying all the right things, but dying on the inside. It was fucking hard.

After starting the new job, I deliberately trailed off our friendship. It wasn't that difficult to do in practicality; all friendships require two-way participation, so I just slowly reduced my interaction, and the context of switching job made it seem pretty natural. But I felt absolutely crap about myself. I was really low. I did everything right, I had a routine and spent my time doing healthy things, ate healthy, meditated, I fostered positive thought patterns and acknowledged and was kind to myself about my negative feelings, I did every fucking thing by the fucking book, and I still had this permanent cloud of sad. It didn't even seem to be about feelings for Boston anymore, just this feeling of worthlessness. But I told myself to be patient, eventually it will pass. And slowly, slowly, I reassembled my self-esteem. It wasn't smooth, there were ups and downs. Fairly early on, about three months after that Friday, Jake and I went on a holiday, which was an up. But then his sister got some upsetting medical news, and I messaged Boston about it for advice as it was exactly his area of expertise (and at this point I was still in occasional contact), but Jake had bad feelings about this, and this was a (relatively brief) down. It was a bit up and down but in general it was getting better. My feelings for Boston were gone, my self-esteem was up. My work involved travel and was pretty cool and exciting and made me feel good about myself. About ten months after that Friday, I was good. Jake and I were good. I went on a work trip, and that's when I met Lucy.

Now, back when Jake and I had had our lengthy discussions about poly, I'd made it clear that regardless of what he felt about the idea of me having other relationships, I knew I had no problem with the idea of him having them, and didn't want to hold that back from him like some sort of bargaining chip, because that would be a dick move. I didn’t want there to be anything transactional in that sort of thing, because that seems like a recipe for disaster, and in honesty I just don’t have jealousy feelings. And after That Friday, I reiterated as much, and also that I would be telling him if I had feelings for people *as soon as I had them*.

So the night I met Lucy, I told Jake immediately (possibly still tipsy) just how awesome I thought she was. And ... it was fine? As soon as he was sure I wasn't about the disappear off into the sunset with her, he got his head around it no problem. Part of this may have been because I'd told him right at the start, but part was probably that she's female. Jake had already said in our early poly discussions that his instinctual jealously feelings likely much more triggered by a man than a woman, (as well as acknowledging that this shouldn't rationally be the case, but instinctively emotionally likely was. Like an honest description of his feelings, even though he doesn't seem proud of them?), but I didn't really think anything of it then because I thought I was 99% straight.

Meeting Lucy made me aware I was 100% bi. Now, nothing has happened with Lucy and I'm completely fine with that. There is no dark cloud like with Boston, there is only light; this is a *fun* crush, and one I can speak freely to Jake about. She's from a different company, and another country. We worked together for two weeks, and it was awesome. We just clicked. we'd work all day then go out together at night. We went to the beach, we climbed a hill to watch distant lightning, we saw a film together (a gay film festival film no less). There was zero chance either of us would make anything resembling a move though, because we have to work together and I've learned my lesson on that, and Lucy is pretty thoughtful and if she did feel anything, she'd also keep it professional for similar reasons. But whatever the case, we had a great time. Then a couple weeks after, we started work together again in my home city. Then ... covid hit. It was sudden, it was scary, and Lucy had to desperately find a flight home as airlines were just cancelling everything, and boarders were uncertain. We still had ongoing contact after that, my crush feelings were sort of frozen in that early-stage happy but not serious point. We're friends.

So, covid lockdown. What a strange time. It was so scary as things were heating up. Not knowing what the full scale of this was going to be or how we would be affected, what the effect on the economy would be, so much uncertainty. Jake and I were pulled even closer together. Restrictions were brought in, but case numbers were not high and we were able to go away camping - Me, Jake, Don, and our friend Georgie. Georgie's a very outdoors person. Some months in, a wave hit our city, and the rapidity of the growth in case numbers combined with the rapidly increasing strength and enforcement of the lockdown was intense. Don lives alone in an apartment, and Georgie had a room in a sharehouse but her lease was ending. We'd invited Don to move in with us, as we live in a house in a nice nature-filled area, a much nicer place to spend lockdown than a small apartment, but he ultimately decided to stay where he was. We offered the same to Georgie as she was having trouble finding a new place to move. She moved somewhere else instead, but then took us up on our offer because of problems there.

-end part one of two. See part 2 below.
 

Photosynthesis

New member
The lockdown in our city got really, really intense. But inside our cosy little home in the forest, we were having a great time. During the day, some days I'd be at home, some days I wasn't (essential work), likewise with Jake. Georgie was entirely work from home. In the day time, if home, we'd go for walks together on our lunch break around the neighbourhood. There's a little waterfall a shortish walk from our house, and I really appreciated living where we do during that time. At night, on weekends, we'd have little parties just the three of us. It was really fun and we would have deep conversations and we got along well. It was just great having her live with us. One of these little parties, there was something going on between Jake and Georgie. We were all three under the influence so it was a little hard to process, but I was aware of a few things. We were all having a great time, and there was a closeness there, Jake liked Georgie, and, true to what I'd thought, I genuinely had zero jealousy. I was mostly just scared that the feelings were one-way and could make Georgie uncomfortable and hurt Jake. But if it was reciprocated, I was excited for Jake. I was super happy to discover for sure that I really wasn't jealous. I'd thought I wouldn't be, but you really don't know for sure unless you're in that situation.

Jake and I talked heaps after that night trying to work out how Georgie felt. We knew Georgie had been in an open relationship one time before. Everything that night could be chalked up to being inebriated, and nothing that major had happened, though there did feel like quite a strong atmosphere that both of us had felt. I can't quite remember the order of events, but there were a few little parties like this, including a home karaoke night that was hands down the most fun Jake and I had had in a long time. The evenings would end with us lying on beanbags together having pretty deep conversations about life the universe and everything and falling asleep. It wasn't just the evenings; they would walk together in the daytime and one time they made little stick boats to float down the creek; I wasn't there but I saw the photos and it was very cute. I was convinced at this point that the attraction at least at some level went both ways as Georgie would reciprocate physically arms around each other. They held hands at some point, but again that could have been put down to inebriation. One time, though I can't remember where this fit in chronologically, I had managed to communicate to Georgie that I have no problem with the idea of Jake having another relationship. We got onto the topic via discussing Lucy actually. When Georgie saw me happily discussing a crush in front of Jake, she point blank asked if we were in an open relationship. So we had got that clear.

But it turns out Georgie wasn't in an open relationship. A mutual friend had told me some time ago that Georgie was poly, but it turned out he was mistaken. She had told him about a former boyfriend of hers that was an open relationship. But at present, while staying with us over lock down, the relationship she had with her current boyfriend wasn't open. More than that, it wasn't good. She wanted to end it, but not in the middle of a hard lockdown. So there we were. The boyfriend actually came over some weekends (which was allowed by our location’s covid rules), which was kind of awkward. I think Georgie was really torn. She started pulling back. Jake was pretty sad. We didn't have any more crazy fun nights but we did eventually settle back into something normal. Eventually the lockdown ended, she moved out, and she broke up with her boyfriend.

Our friendship got good again, and we did many fun things together as friends, usually with Don and sometimes with other friends too. Don and Georgie coming to our house on the weekend is a pretty typical thing. We’re living in a post-covid world and the future looks bright. Jake and I decided to start trying for a baby. Now we're up to April this year. Don and Georgie came over on a Friday, as normal. We went out for dinner (it was totally safe to do so where we are at that time), then back to our place where we ended up on the beanbags in front of a fire in the fireplace. It was super cosy. Don fell asleep on the couch, and Jake and Georgie were on the beanbags by the fire. I saw he had his head on her thigh, and I start because I thought that was all very over and I worried about Jake getting hurt. I leave to get bedding for Don and come back; they've repositioned and settle down by the fire on the other side of jake, and georgie has her arm around him! So I'm relieved it's not one way but I'm also really surprised and excited. We sleep for a bit by the fire. Eventually we get up to go to bed, and I'm thinking it would be nice for us all to continue as we were but in our bed. Jake and I in our bedroom, while Georgie is brushing her teeth or something, Jake says what I'm thinking and I agree, and asks me to ask her, but I say I'm too scared and he should ask. So I get in bed and he goes and tells her she's welcome to join us, and she comes to our door obviously excited and wanting to join us but she makes sure it's okay, I make it clear it's fine by me, and then the three of us slept in the bed. It was just cuddles, clothes stayed on, but it was more than regular friend hugs too.

So it was all rather unexpected but exciting and happy, but unclear what this all meant. Maybe like a week later, Georgie tells us about some other friends of hers and how she shares beds with people after parties etc platonically and that it doesn’t mean anything to her. Okay. So that’s that then.

Jake is sort of sad about it but accepting, and we’re all good. Life goes on. Things are really good and we’re happy. We’re happily looking to the future. Except for occasional super short lockdowns, covid is completely under control and all is well.

Then Delta strain comes along. We have another lockdown. But this one isn’t short, and the numbers are going in the wrong direction. We extend the same invitation to Don and Georgie as before, and Georgie moves back into our spare room. It’s all good and normal.

Then we have a Friday Night three-people party, dress up and do fun make up and play music, and Jake and Georgie are drinking. I don’t, because … I’m seven months pregnant! Turns out it was super easy and we were successful literally first go. Anywho, it’s a super fun night, Georgie and I do some theatrical makeup on Jake, we sing along to youtube, and generally have great night. We all go to bed in the same bed and fall asleep.

In the morning, I have a zoom event to attend, so I get up, go to the living room, pop my headphones on and listen to the event. The others are still in bed. Eventually my event finishes, I’m in the kitchen, and Jake comes out and tells me – Georgie and he have just been physically intimate! Holy moly, it’s a surprise. It wasn’t full on ‘all the way’, but *definitely* not platonic, and very much something they were both into. Jake tells Georgie that he’s told me, so we all know that we all know, and we just sort of go about our day. The next day we sit down and have a chat about it. Georgie is highly intelligent and articulate, which is obviously a big plus for this sort of thing. So we all make it clear to each other that everyone is totally cool with everything that’s happened, we’re each checking in with how each of us is feeling about it, and communicating well. Georgie explains it’s not something she was predicting and while it’s not something she regrets, she doesn’t think she wants things to change because of it and she’d like things to stay as they were.

But then almost immediately it’s clear she’s changed her mind. Thursday night we finish the night on the beanbags again and I go to bed before the others. I wake up at 2:30 am and realise I’m alone. I have a minor panic – I don’t know what’s going on. Are they talking, did they fall asleep on the beanbags, or are they doing stuff? Then I get anxious about feeling anxious – have I been kidding myself and I’m actually not ready for any of this? I try to calm myself and get back to sleep but it’s not really working. Then Jake comes to bed, and he tells me they did almost everything. And … instantly all the anxiety goes away. So it was just the waking-up-alone-and-not-sure-what-was-happening that was the source of the anxiety, not worry about what was happening. I share in Jake’s excitement and it’s kind of mind blowing. Georgie sleeps in her own bed that night (or what was left of it!), which I later learn is because she wasn’t sure how I would feel.

It’s basically escalated very quickly from here. Georgie is super conscious of how I’m feeling and she’s really careful to make sure I’m okay, which I completely am. We’ve had some check in chats, which has been good. It’s actually surprisingly easy and natural. Jake and Georgie are super cute together. Jake and I have been communicating super well this entire time. We’re so close. He’s … very … happy. haha

So this is my life now. It’s pretty awesome. No idea where it’ll go next.

And not too long from now, we’ll be having a baby! I know you guys are all going to think this is terrible timing and will end badly, and it’s definitely not something I would have planned to happen so close together in time, but honestly I think it’ll be fine. All three of us are communicating super well, we’re all super considerate of each other and making sure we’re all fine, which we are, and we’re all accepting of how things may change. This may be a short term thing with Georgie or not, but either way we will definitely stay friends, and we're going in with our eyes open.

So that's where I'm at! I'm locked down in a cosy house in a beautiful part of the world with two lovely people who I care about deeply and who care about me, and we have a little baby on way.
 

Photosynthesis

New member
TLDR: Nothing happened with Boston, Jake and I are awesome, we're having a baby in just under two months' time, we have a close friend as a housemate who has just started something with Jake, compersion is real and everything is awesome.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Photosynthesis,

Congrats on so many good things happening in your life right now. I actually have a picture in my mind, of Georgie being like a second mother (or an auntie) to this baby-to-be, if things work out that way. I don't mean for you to get your hopes up, the future is always uncertain. But so far, so good!

Thanks for updating us on your situation. You obviously have worked hard to get to where you are today, it wasn't easy to let Boston go, but you realized that that was the thing to do, and as hard as it was, you got through it. Kudos for all that you have accomplished since your last thread.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Photosynthesis

New member
Thanks Kevin and GalaGirl!

Yeah it is pretty great. Honestly it's for the best nothing happened with Boston, on reflection he would have been a terrible candidate for poly, as he had his own issues. I'm very much over it now. Really, the best thing that came from all that is this extra free easy communication with Jake and that in the future, if I ever start to get even a hint of feelings for someone, I can discuss it with Jake immediately, knowing it is fine. I'm not looking for anything like that now though, as I'm very happily focused on what we have here and on our soon to arrive little baby. Georgie and I have talked about going to this lovely friendly queer club she's been to, at some point in the future when things open up again, so who knows! But yeah, it's really not something I'm concerned with at all, I'm just happy living in this cosy happy bubble.
Yeah I think Georgie will be a lovely Aunty Georgie, no matter what happens. We were already talking about 'uncle Don' and 'aunty Georgie' before all this. Don and I have been friends for years, he was always going to be Uncle Don even before we were expecting.

Life is good.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
That's awesome.
 
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