Photosynthesis
New member
I disappeared for quite a bit there, here's my original thread https://polyamory.com/threads/serio...rt-the-conversation.116169/page-2#post-422053
So long that I had to split into two parts. the TLDR is at the bottom of part 2.
So yeah, things are pretty great. It was pretty hard to get here, but now I'm here, and it's awesome.
For those who followed along with the original thread:
Yes, we did go on the trip.
Nothing ever happened with Boston.
I am still very much with Jake and we’re very close. Quite awesomely actually.
A … couple … of other things have happened.
So, winding back a long time now, around May 2019, things were pretty dire. My mental state was crap. My feelings for Boston were strong, but I was aware that ideas of a relationship were unrealistic. There may have been a chance he did like me. But, not having that context of poly, looking at my close relationship with Jake, he wouldn't have wanted to be a 'homewrecker' and would never do anything underhanded, so everything was left entirely unsaid. Or, maybe there was nothing there. I'll never know.
Whatever the case, I knew if I wanted to tell Boston how I felt, I absolutely had to talk to Jake first. I was extremely stressed about it. And I was leaving it too late.
Boston met someone.
She (lets call her Lauren) was interested in him, and he was trying to work out if he was interested in her. It was a sort of a now or never situation if I was going to tell him how I felt.
So I talked to Jake. About poly. We talked for a long time about it. He was interested, thought about it, but was wary. That is to say, he wasn't super keen.
So the next day, I let it sink in for myself and let myself accept that nothing would ever happen with Boston. I'd already figured that although I knew I wanted poly, I wanted Jake more. So at work, I sent him a message saying as much. I asked for two things - a clear answer that he didn't want to do poly, ever, so that I could get that out of my head, and for support to help me through feelings. (In the end he couldn't really give me either.) But the message made him think - help me through what?
A day or so later, on a Friday, he asked if I already liked someone and I said yes and it was Boston and he freaked. He was really distressed. I gave him all the reassurance I could. Nothing had ever happened, nothing was even said, it was only private feelings. The context of having previously described poly made it easier for him to understand that my feelings for him were not diminished in any way and I still wanted all the same things with him, and he did understand and believe that. Nevertheless he was very shaken up.
We were both very emotionally drained and it was a tense and strange weekend. We talked a lot, and gradually got better. I only had some weeks before I changed to my new job and wouldn't be seeing Boston on that regular basis. It was a strange time, and hard, but we ended up stronger for it.
But it was hard for me. For a long, long time I carried around this acute sadness and all these negative emotions, and I didn't have anyone to really talk to about them. Add to that the fact that before I started the new job, I was still seeing Boston regularly, and at this point he was talking to me about Lauren, and here I was being a supportive friend and helping him get over his insecurities to pursue a relationship with her, saying all the right things, but dying on the inside. It was fucking hard.
After starting the new job, I deliberately trailed off our friendship. It wasn't that difficult to do in practicality; all friendships require two-way participation, so I just slowly reduced my interaction, and the context of switching job made it seem pretty natural. But I felt absolutely crap about myself. I was really low. I did everything right, I had a routine and spent my time doing healthy things, ate healthy, meditated, I fostered positive thought patterns and acknowledged and was kind to myself about my negative feelings, I did every fucking thing by the fucking book, and I still had this permanent cloud of sad. It didn't even seem to be about feelings for Boston anymore, just this feeling of worthlessness. But I told myself to be patient, eventually it will pass. And slowly, slowly, I reassembled my self-esteem. It wasn't smooth, there were ups and downs. Fairly early on, about three months after that Friday, Jake and I went on a holiday, which was an up. But then his sister got some upsetting medical news, and I messaged Boston about it for advice as it was exactly his area of expertise (and at this point I was still in occasional contact), but Jake had bad feelings about this, and this was a (relatively brief) down. It was a bit up and down but in general it was getting better. My feelings for Boston were gone, my self-esteem was up. My work involved travel and was pretty cool and exciting and made me feel good about myself. About ten months after that Friday, I was good. Jake and I were good. I went on a work trip, and that's when I met Lucy.
Now, back when Jake and I had had our lengthy discussions about poly, I'd made it clear that regardless of what he felt about the idea of me having other relationships, I knew I had no problem with the idea of him having them, and didn't want to hold that back from him like some sort of bargaining chip, because that would be a dick move. I didn’t want there to be anything transactional in that sort of thing, because that seems like a recipe for disaster, and in honesty I just don’t have jealousy feelings. And after That Friday, I reiterated as much, and also that I would be telling him if I had feelings for people *as soon as I had them*.
So the night I met Lucy, I told Jake immediately (possibly still tipsy) just how awesome I thought she was. And ... it was fine? As soon as he was sure I wasn't about the disappear off into the sunset with her, he got his head around it no problem. Part of this may have been because I'd told him right at the start, but part was probably that she's female. Jake had already said in our early poly discussions that his instinctual jealously feelings likely much more triggered by a man than a woman, (as well as acknowledging that this shouldn't rationally be the case, but instinctively emotionally likely was. Like an honest description of his feelings, even though he doesn't seem proud of them?), but I didn't really think anything of it then because I thought I was 99% straight.
Meeting Lucy made me aware I was 100% bi. Now, nothing has happened with Lucy and I'm completely fine with that. There is no dark cloud like with Boston, there is only light; this is a *fun* crush, and one I can speak freely to Jake about. She's from a different company, and another country. We worked together for two weeks, and it was awesome. We just clicked. we'd work all day then go out together at night. We went to the beach, we climbed a hill to watch distant lightning, we saw a film together (a gay film festival film no less). There was zero chance either of us would make anything resembling a move though, because we have to work together and I've learned my lesson on that, and Lucy is pretty thoughtful and if she did feel anything, she'd also keep it professional for similar reasons. But whatever the case, we had a great time. Then a couple weeks after, we started work together again in my home city. Then ... covid hit. It was sudden, it was scary, and Lucy had to desperately find a flight home as airlines were just cancelling everything, and boarders were uncertain. We still had ongoing contact after that, my crush feelings were sort of frozen in that early-stage happy but not serious point. We're friends.
So, covid lockdown. What a strange time. It was so scary as things were heating up. Not knowing what the full scale of this was going to be or how we would be affected, what the effect on the economy would be, so much uncertainty. Jake and I were pulled even closer together. Restrictions were brought in, but case numbers were not high and we were able to go away camping - Me, Jake, Don, and our friend Georgie. Georgie's a very outdoors person. Some months in, a wave hit our city, and the rapidity of the growth in case numbers combined with the rapidly increasing strength and enforcement of the lockdown was intense. Don lives alone in an apartment, and Georgie had a room in a sharehouse but her lease was ending. We'd invited Don to move in with us, as we live in a house in a nice nature-filled area, a much nicer place to spend lockdown than a small apartment, but he ultimately decided to stay where he was. We offered the same to Georgie as she was having trouble finding a new place to move. She moved somewhere else instead, but then took us up on our offer because of problems there.
-end part one of two. See part 2 below.
So long that I had to split into two parts. the TLDR is at the bottom of part 2.
So yeah, things are pretty great. It was pretty hard to get here, but now I'm here, and it's awesome.
For those who followed along with the original thread:
Yes, we did go on the trip.
Nothing ever happened with Boston.
I am still very much with Jake and we’re very close. Quite awesomely actually.
A … couple … of other things have happened.
So, winding back a long time now, around May 2019, things were pretty dire. My mental state was crap. My feelings for Boston were strong, but I was aware that ideas of a relationship were unrealistic. There may have been a chance he did like me. But, not having that context of poly, looking at my close relationship with Jake, he wouldn't have wanted to be a 'homewrecker' and would never do anything underhanded, so everything was left entirely unsaid. Or, maybe there was nothing there. I'll never know.
Whatever the case, I knew if I wanted to tell Boston how I felt, I absolutely had to talk to Jake first. I was extremely stressed about it. And I was leaving it too late.
Boston met someone.
She (lets call her Lauren) was interested in him, and he was trying to work out if he was interested in her. It was a sort of a now or never situation if I was going to tell him how I felt.
So I talked to Jake. About poly. We talked for a long time about it. He was interested, thought about it, but was wary. That is to say, he wasn't super keen.
So the next day, I let it sink in for myself and let myself accept that nothing would ever happen with Boston. I'd already figured that although I knew I wanted poly, I wanted Jake more. So at work, I sent him a message saying as much. I asked for two things - a clear answer that he didn't want to do poly, ever, so that I could get that out of my head, and for support to help me through feelings. (In the end he couldn't really give me either.) But the message made him think - help me through what?
A day or so later, on a Friday, he asked if I already liked someone and I said yes and it was Boston and he freaked. He was really distressed. I gave him all the reassurance I could. Nothing had ever happened, nothing was even said, it was only private feelings. The context of having previously described poly made it easier for him to understand that my feelings for him were not diminished in any way and I still wanted all the same things with him, and he did understand and believe that. Nevertheless he was very shaken up.
We were both very emotionally drained and it was a tense and strange weekend. We talked a lot, and gradually got better. I only had some weeks before I changed to my new job and wouldn't be seeing Boston on that regular basis. It was a strange time, and hard, but we ended up stronger for it.
But it was hard for me. For a long, long time I carried around this acute sadness and all these negative emotions, and I didn't have anyone to really talk to about them. Add to that the fact that before I started the new job, I was still seeing Boston regularly, and at this point he was talking to me about Lauren, and here I was being a supportive friend and helping him get over his insecurities to pursue a relationship with her, saying all the right things, but dying on the inside. It was fucking hard.
After starting the new job, I deliberately trailed off our friendship. It wasn't that difficult to do in practicality; all friendships require two-way participation, so I just slowly reduced my interaction, and the context of switching job made it seem pretty natural. But I felt absolutely crap about myself. I was really low. I did everything right, I had a routine and spent my time doing healthy things, ate healthy, meditated, I fostered positive thought patterns and acknowledged and was kind to myself about my negative feelings, I did every fucking thing by the fucking book, and I still had this permanent cloud of sad. It didn't even seem to be about feelings for Boston anymore, just this feeling of worthlessness. But I told myself to be patient, eventually it will pass. And slowly, slowly, I reassembled my self-esteem. It wasn't smooth, there were ups and downs. Fairly early on, about three months after that Friday, Jake and I went on a holiday, which was an up. But then his sister got some upsetting medical news, and I messaged Boston about it for advice as it was exactly his area of expertise (and at this point I was still in occasional contact), but Jake had bad feelings about this, and this was a (relatively brief) down. It was a bit up and down but in general it was getting better. My feelings for Boston were gone, my self-esteem was up. My work involved travel and was pretty cool and exciting and made me feel good about myself. About ten months after that Friday, I was good. Jake and I were good. I went on a work trip, and that's when I met Lucy.
Now, back when Jake and I had had our lengthy discussions about poly, I'd made it clear that regardless of what he felt about the idea of me having other relationships, I knew I had no problem with the idea of him having them, and didn't want to hold that back from him like some sort of bargaining chip, because that would be a dick move. I didn’t want there to be anything transactional in that sort of thing, because that seems like a recipe for disaster, and in honesty I just don’t have jealousy feelings. And after That Friday, I reiterated as much, and also that I would be telling him if I had feelings for people *as soon as I had them*.
So the night I met Lucy, I told Jake immediately (possibly still tipsy) just how awesome I thought she was. And ... it was fine? As soon as he was sure I wasn't about the disappear off into the sunset with her, he got his head around it no problem. Part of this may have been because I'd told him right at the start, but part was probably that she's female. Jake had already said in our early poly discussions that his instinctual jealously feelings likely much more triggered by a man than a woman, (as well as acknowledging that this shouldn't rationally be the case, but instinctively emotionally likely was. Like an honest description of his feelings, even though he doesn't seem proud of them?), but I didn't really think anything of it then because I thought I was 99% straight.
Meeting Lucy made me aware I was 100% bi. Now, nothing has happened with Lucy and I'm completely fine with that. There is no dark cloud like with Boston, there is only light; this is a *fun* crush, and one I can speak freely to Jake about. She's from a different company, and another country. We worked together for two weeks, and it was awesome. We just clicked. we'd work all day then go out together at night. We went to the beach, we climbed a hill to watch distant lightning, we saw a film together (a gay film festival film no less). There was zero chance either of us would make anything resembling a move though, because we have to work together and I've learned my lesson on that, and Lucy is pretty thoughtful and if she did feel anything, she'd also keep it professional for similar reasons. But whatever the case, we had a great time. Then a couple weeks after, we started work together again in my home city. Then ... covid hit. It was sudden, it was scary, and Lucy had to desperately find a flight home as airlines were just cancelling everything, and boarders were uncertain. We still had ongoing contact after that, my crush feelings were sort of frozen in that early-stage happy but not serious point. We're friends.
So, covid lockdown. What a strange time. It was so scary as things were heating up. Not knowing what the full scale of this was going to be or how we would be affected, what the effect on the economy would be, so much uncertainty. Jake and I were pulled even closer together. Restrictions were brought in, but case numbers were not high and we were able to go away camping - Me, Jake, Don, and our friend Georgie. Georgie's a very outdoors person. Some months in, a wave hit our city, and the rapidity of the growth in case numbers combined with the rapidly increasing strength and enforcement of the lockdown was intense. Don lives alone in an apartment, and Georgie had a room in a sharehouse but her lease was ending. We'd invited Don to move in with us, as we live in a house in a nice nature-filled area, a much nicer place to spend lockdown than a small apartment, but he ultimately decided to stay where he was. We offered the same to Georgie as she was having trouble finding a new place to move. She moved somewhere else instead, but then took us up on our offer because of problems there.
-end part one of two. See part 2 below.