BuckDharma
New member
Hello! I have found myself at a crossroads, and I have come as far as I can without some outside input. I am in the younger part of my 20's and I am currently living with a girlfriend of 2 1/2 years who is older than me by a few years.
We are both individuals who I would call emotionally scarred. She had a rough childhood complicated by parental deaths in addition to multiple severe lifelong health conditions. I on the other hand had a relatively quiet childhood marked by an increasing disregard for society and culture. It got to the point to where after high school I plunged myself into a world of violence and drugs for several years until I hit that line past rock bottom. I managed to pull myself together and recover from major addiction issues without rehab. Most of her problems are by fate and all of mine are by choice.
Needless to say, we have serious communication issues. She has a hard time trusting anyone due to abandonment issues caused by death, and I have an incredibly hard time opening up to anyone about my dark side, the side that ruled me through many of my formative years.
We met through work and and have been as thick as thieves ever since. We have always been able to push through issues and we rarely fight. She has taught me alot and has helped guide me through alot of the obstacles I have made for myself. I have tried to put her needs above mine at all times out of a sense of guilt over my history and a sense of sorrow and shame over her situation and how much better off i was during her hard times. This has led to me breaking into occasional bouts of depression over time.
I realized about a year into our relationship that these depressive spells were stemming from a lack of 'venting' so to speak of my past and that it would only get worse. I felt then and I still feel now that opening up to her about myself would only do more harm than good; she is still in such a precarious state that i fear it would push her into ruin knowing what i used to be. I begin to think that I need someone else I can open up to, someone close emotionally, but immune to the disgust I feel i raise among people
Fast forward a half a year and through another job I meet a woman. A woman that shares many of the same interests that I do and struggles with a lot of the same emotional problems that I have. We develop a platonic friendship. (At this point I feel it is very important to clarify that both my girlfriend and I are VERY sexual people, although my tastes tend towards a much kinkier side) Our relationship existed primarily through text and ultimately began to include sexting once we discussed our mutual tastes. We eventually become very close, opening up about many secrets.
My girlfriend asks me point blank about this relationship and I am honest with her. This is on the eve of a week long out of state business trip of hers. We talk about a lot of things before she goes and I feel we have the most honest discussion we have had about our emotions in a long time. She leaves, still furious and I am left at home, feeling ashamed again. She ultimately softens over the week, starts telling me she loves me again, and acts like she wants to work things out.
I am at a crossroads. I personally don't feel like I could live without either of these women. I love them both and I feel that they both love me. My question is: could polyamory exist in this situation? And, if so, what is the best way of initiating it?
Thank you for reading this far, and thank you even more for any advice, comments, and (constructive) criticism you can offer!
We are both individuals who I would call emotionally scarred. She had a rough childhood complicated by parental deaths in addition to multiple severe lifelong health conditions. I on the other hand had a relatively quiet childhood marked by an increasing disregard for society and culture. It got to the point to where after high school I plunged myself into a world of violence and drugs for several years until I hit that line past rock bottom. I managed to pull myself together and recover from major addiction issues without rehab. Most of her problems are by fate and all of mine are by choice.
Needless to say, we have serious communication issues. She has a hard time trusting anyone due to abandonment issues caused by death, and I have an incredibly hard time opening up to anyone about my dark side, the side that ruled me through many of my formative years.
We met through work and and have been as thick as thieves ever since. We have always been able to push through issues and we rarely fight. She has taught me alot and has helped guide me through alot of the obstacles I have made for myself. I have tried to put her needs above mine at all times out of a sense of guilt over my history and a sense of sorrow and shame over her situation and how much better off i was during her hard times. This has led to me breaking into occasional bouts of depression over time.
I realized about a year into our relationship that these depressive spells were stemming from a lack of 'venting' so to speak of my past and that it would only get worse. I felt then and I still feel now that opening up to her about myself would only do more harm than good; she is still in such a precarious state that i fear it would push her into ruin knowing what i used to be. I begin to think that I need someone else I can open up to, someone close emotionally, but immune to the disgust I feel i raise among people
Fast forward a half a year and through another job I meet a woman. A woman that shares many of the same interests that I do and struggles with a lot of the same emotional problems that I have. We develop a platonic friendship. (At this point I feel it is very important to clarify that both my girlfriend and I are VERY sexual people, although my tastes tend towards a much kinkier side) Our relationship existed primarily through text and ultimately began to include sexting once we discussed our mutual tastes. We eventually become very close, opening up about many secrets.
My girlfriend asks me point blank about this relationship and I am honest with her. This is on the eve of a week long out of state business trip of hers. We talk about a lot of things before she goes and I feel we have the most honest discussion we have had about our emotions in a long time. She leaves, still furious and I am left at home, feeling ashamed again. She ultimately softens over the week, starts telling me she loves me again, and acts like she wants to work things out.
I am at a crossroads. I personally don't feel like I could live without either of these women. I love them both and I feel that they both love me. My question is: could polyamory exist in this situation? And, if so, what is the best way of initiating it?
Thank you for reading this far, and thank you even more for any advice, comments, and (constructive) criticism you can offer!
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